Written by me (Rebecca).

Such a Fail, It's almost a Win

I yanked on Mello's leash as I led him out of my house and down the street. He ran away too much for Frankie's liking, so she put a dog collar on him and it made bringing him home that much easier.

This time he had ran to my house because of some fight he got into with Kankuro, who was threatening him with his puppets or something.

"Where are you taking me?" Mello asked. He was scratching at his collar, trying to remove it. Since he was human and had thumbs, I had no idea why he was having so much trouble.

"Home. You need to learn to stop running away. Frankie may start to put you in a cage soon or something," I said.

"But Kankuro—" I held up my hand to stop him.

"I know," I replied and pulled a thin rectangle from my pocket. "Here, knock yourself out." I really hope he wouldn't take that literally because it's much harder to move dead weight around town. It also tends to attract police attention, and that's not always a good thing, even when you say that they knocked themselves out. The police never believe you.

Mello devoured the chocolate bar before we even crossed the street from my block to Frankie's and we were only three houses down from the street.

"You have any more?" Mello asked when we were across the street.

I growled and jerked the leash forward, making Mello stumble. He took that as my answer.

"Where's Envy?" he asked. "Shouldn't you be out torturing him or something and not me?"

"I think he's at your house looking for you, except you were over at my house, so now I have to go and get him."

We turned the corner and were stopped by a throng of people a good ten feet away from her house. News reporters were at the front surrounding Frankie most likely and then neighbors and even people who didn't live around here were behind them, preventing us from going forward. What did Frankie do this time?

I tapped someone on the shoulder. They turned around and looked at me. She followed the leash to Mello who was now standing with his arms crossed.

"What happened?" I asked.

"What? Umm…look at the roof," she said, but didn't turn around.

I looked up at the roof and in the center of it there was the front end of a car sticking out. How the hell did Frankie manage to do that?

I heard the safety of a gun turn off. "Stop staring," Mello said. I turned back towards the chocolate lover and smacked him upside the head.

"Don't point your gun at innocent people!" I said. I lady took Mello's distraction and moved as far away as she could from him. "Use it to get us through the crowd and up to Frankie," I told him. "Have some common sense, really."

He started pushing his way through the crowd, pointing his gun at anyone who complained.

A police officer stopped us from getting any closer to Frankie and the reporters. The police officer drew his gun and pointed it at Mello, not seeing the leash connecting him to me. "Sir, please put the gun away," he said.

I hit Mello upside the head again. "Don't point your gun at police officers. They already want you for other things."

"Yes, Rebecca," he said and clicked the safety back on his gun and slipped it back in its holster.

"Please let us through," I said to the police officer, who was replacing his gun in its holster. "I need to return this," I set my hand on Mello's head, "to Frankie. He ran away again."

"I'm sorry," he said. "I can't allow you to pass."

"Mello!" Kankuro yelled from the other side of the police barrier.

"Shit," Mello said and tried to hide behind me.

"Oh, grow some balls, Mello. You have a gun."

"But he's a ninja with puppets that can kill you!" Mello protested.

"Good point."

"I'm not here to hurt you," Kankuro said. "At least not right now. Frankie told me to keep an eye out for you. Come on," he said and pulled Mello's wrist forward.

I followed with my hand still holding the leash.

"Mello!" Frankie shouted; glomping Mello sending him to the ground with Frankie on top of him and jerking me forward, making me fall on top of Frankie.

"Oh, hello, Rebecca," Frankie said. "Why are you on top of me?"

I held up the leash wrapped around my hand. She followed the leash down onto Mello's neck.

"Well, I'm glad that that collar and leash came in handy for more than just sex," she said in all seriousness. Disgusted I threw the leash down and hopped off my friend.

"You have weird habits, Frankie." She just smiled and unhooked the leash from Mello. "What are you doing? He'll just run away again."

"Just watch," she said and pulled a huge box of Cocoa Puffs from her back pocket. Don't ask me how she got a huge three dimensional box in her pocket, because I have no idea. She opened the box and Mello perked up immediately. Frankie waved the box in front of his face a few times. "See the chocolate, Mello? Good, Fetch!" and she threw the box to the other side of the driveway. Mello went after it on all fours and grabbed the box in his mouth, circled in place a couple times and sat down, digging into his prize with his hand, stuffing a whole handful in his mouth. I just stared at him.

"How often do you do that?" I asked Frankie, jerking my hand to Mello.

"Quite often," she said. "It keeps him in one place for a while."

"Miss Samargin, Miss Samargin!" a reporter wearing blue jean overalls, a red and white striped t-shirt, and an orange scarf that was so long that it went down to her waist, said. The girl had short brown hair in a bob and large green eyes. She held a plastic microphone in her hand with a bright red cord that led down to the plastic play recorder strapped to her waist.

"What did I tell you about saying my last name out loud?" Frankie asked. "If Kira hears it, it only takes a little searching to find my full first name."

"I'm sorry, Frankie. Everyone wants to know, how did you get that car through the roof?" she asked, speaking into the microphone. She pushed the plastic device into Frankie's face.

"I was given strict orders," Frankie said. "I was only doing what I was told to do. 'Kay... You wanna know the truth?" Frankie asked. "I was trying to get into my drive way reverse and Odd put his hands over my eyes..."

"That still doesn't answer how you got onto the roof," the reporter said.

"I see something moving in the car!" some woman shouted from the crowd.

I saw a figure moving in the car, trying to get higher up. The figure had long hair that was stuck to his head and he was trying to break the front windshield. I narrowed my eyes.

"Frankie, where's Envy?" I asked.

"I don't know," she said.

"Who was in the car with you?"

"Odd," she replied.

"Are you sure?" I asked.

"…No."

I looked back up at the car. The car seemed to be leaking water.

"How is the car filling up with water?"

"Broken gas pipe in the ceiling."

"Gas turns into water?"

"Yes."

A hand punched out of the windshield followed by a head and a sopping wet body.

"Frankie! You almost drowned Envy!" I shouted at her.

"I didn't mean to do it, I swear! Blame the underpants gnomes!"

Envy jumped off the roof and landed lightly on his feet. He walked over to us, dripping as he walked.

"You. Bitch," he growled. "I almost died!"

"You can't kill that which is already dead, Envy," she said wisely. "And last time I checked, you haven't been alive in over four hundred years."

"Couldn't you have just turned into a fish?" Kankuro asked.

"Where would his gills have come from?" Frankie asked. "Because his penis came from his feet and his hands aren't big enough to hide gills."

"Oh, not this conversation again," I groaned.

"Mello!" Near shouted.

Mello looked up from his box of Cocoa Puffs.

"What?" he asked with his mouth full.

Near stalked towards him. "You're supposed to be planning the kidnapping of Sayu Yagami with the mafia! Not eating chocolate!"

"But chocolate is my life~!" Mello whined.

"I don't care, Mello, do your job," Near scolded.

Mello jumped up and pounced on top of Near, pinning the albino under him.

"AHHHH, MELLO!!! I'm straight! Stop trying to appease the yaoi fangirls!" Near shouted, his arms failing every which way. Mello sat up, so now he was straddling Near's hips.

"I just wanted to ask you if I had any chocolate on my face," Mello said innocently.

"Mello!" Kankuro yelled.

"What?" Mello asked.

Kankuro shrugged. "I don't know. I just felt like yelling your name since everyone else was doing it."

"So, if everyone jumped off a cliff, you would do it too?" Envy asked, still dripping wet.

"Umm…well, if you put it that way—"

"Envy, stop annoying my husbands," Frankie scolded.

"Frankie, stop lecturing my husband," I said.

"Oh my god, guys, look!" Wrath said, running up to us with a rubber fish you get out of those twenty-five cent machines at restaurants.

"Shit, who brought the hyperactive munchkin in here?" Envy asked.

"I did," I said.

"How?" Envy asked, one hand on his hip.

"I'm writing this story," I said, waving on hand in the air to emphasize my point.

"What?!" Frankie yelled. "Do you know how much damage you made to my house?! I have to pay for it all and now I'm broke because that used up all my hobo money and now I can't pay to go to Acen!"

"Ummm oops," I said.

"You made Mello almost rape me!" Near shouted.

"He glomped you, big difference," I said.

"The only difference is that there are clothes involved in glomping," Mello said.

Frankie, Mello, Near, and Envy were slowly creating a circle around me.

"Actually, there are clothes involved in rape and in glomping. In rape, they come off the body and in glomping…they just sorta stay where they are," I explained.

"Unless, of course," Frankie said, "if both parties involved in the rape/glomp are naked, then no clothes are involved at all."

"Right you are, Frankie," I said.

"I would suggest you start running now," Envy said. And when Envy says run, you run, and as fast as you possibly can.

I put up a good chase around the neighborhood for about five minutes before my legs gave out. Thankfully, I wasn't in the middle of the street. The four of them surrounded me.

"Please have mercy, guys," I begged.

"You should have thought of that before you wrote what happened to us," Envy said.

"Does it help me in any way if I tell you guys that I question my sanity when I write these stories?"

"No," Near said. Why were two of my husbands after me?

"Wait," Mello said. "If Rebecca is writing this, can't she just change the ending to how she mfff?" Frankie's hand covered his mouth.

"Shut up, Mello," she hissed. "Don't give her ideas that will—"

"Would you like some more tea, L?" Mello asked. He was dressed in a knee length black dress with a purple slip underneath. He also had on black elbow length gloves and a black choker necklace. His blond hair was done up in a bun with a pretty scrunchie to hold it up and bangs framed his face.

"Yes, of course, Mello," L responded. L was wearing a blue knew length dress with a shear tutu like thing over the bottom half of the dress. He had a small princess crown atop his head and his hair was pulled back with a sparkly clip. A braid of hair adorned each side of his face along with bangs and a few clips placed here and there throughout his hair.

Mello poured some more tea into L's teacup and L piled sugar cubes into it.

"Near," Envy asked. "Are you okay?"

Near was sitting below a window that looked like it had a rock thrown through it, crying. "Optimus isn't a girl," he sobbed.

Envy looked through the window and saw L and Mello dressed in dressed with a bunch of Near's toys around dressed as girls.

"Can I join you?" Envy asked.

"Of course, Vy," Mello said.

Envy broke more of the window and climbed through. He shifted his clothes to a form fitting dark purple cocktail dress, much like Sloth's, only shorter. His hair was half up, half down and curled slightly, still a green tint. His signature headband gone and replaced with delicate diamonds in a line along his forehead.

"Oooh, your dress is just gorgeous, Vy," L said.

"Why thank you, L," Envy said.

"What's wrong, Near?" Frankie asked, walking up to the crying albino.

"Optimus not a girl," he said in a broken sob.

"What are you—oh," Frankie said, looking in the window and seeing L, Mello, and Envy in the midst of having a tea party.

She snapped a picture of the three and stored the Polaroid in her pocket and vowed to post it on every site she could find. She sat at the window and took many more pictures throughout the day, just watching and taking pictures.

"Do you know how stalkerish that sounds?" Ian asked me, looking at my computer screen. I shrugged.

"What's your point?" I asked. I swiveled to face him. "I saved myself from getting beaten to a pulp and Frankie got blackmail on L, Mello, and Envy. Everything is right in the world." I leaned back in my chair, resting my hands on my lap.

"And yet," I said. "I feel as if I forgot something."

"Guys," Kankuro said, trapped in a vast white void. "A little help, guys. Anyone? Why the hell did Rebecca leave me in the random void of nothingness? Hell, I would've liked it better as part of the tea party. It's lonely here!"

"You're never alone when you have me," Wrath said, popping out of the puppet on Kankuro's back.

"Ahhhhh!" And Kankuro was not seen for a while and when he was found, he had to be put into therapy for a few good months before he was back and making puppets that killed people. Of course, he was never fully the same.

As for Wrath, he started to work at a whore house selling drinks and got AIDS from some wealthy business man and died two weeks later.

Fin.

Well, half of this story wrote itself and the beginning half came out of an icon I found and posted on facebook. C/O list:
Mello: Death Note (Frankie hubby #1)
Kankuro: Naruto (Frankie hubby #2)
Frankie: my friend, duh
Envy: Full Metal Alchemist (my hubby #1)
Odd: Code Lyoko…love that show
Underpants gnomes: South Park…they steal underwear
Near: Death Note (my hubby #2)
Wrath: Full Metal Alchemist…he's another homunculi
L: Death Note…I own him, I think
The outfits Mello and L are wearing: its from an icon/comic thing that Frankie sent me a long time ago where Mello and L are dressed up as girls and they stole Optimus and dressed him in a little hat. Near threw a rock through the window and yelled at Mello
Optimus: one of Near's toys
Ian: Love at Stake series (my hubby #3)

Hope you liked, review please. And I really do question my sanity when I write these.

Also, it's stampede wen i post this one. Stampede is rly fun just fyi. ^_^