Written by me (Rebecca).
It was a nice and sunny day at Pigboils Academy for Magic and Magicians. It was sort of like Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry, only it wasn't. It was also located on the peak of Mount Everest. Many students die every year on the trip up to the school because they have to hike their way up and they are not allowed to use any magic, even if they are of age.
Now, the subjects taught at this school are a quite unorthodox compared to Hogwarts, but useful and things they will need to know when doing shows. Did I say shows? I meant work.
Now, up at Pigboils is where we find myself, Rebecca, Frankie, Gluttony, Ed, and Al.
"Why didn't you include any of my husbands?" Frankie asked from offstage.
"Kankuro is still in that void and Mello is at his tea party," I told her.
"What about Rewind…or Laszlo!?" she asked frantically.
"Rewind just won't fit into this fic and I quote 'it was a nice and sunny day'. Laszlo would die and be in his death sleep. Why do you think Ian isn't up here? Besides neither is Near or Envy. Now can I please get back to my story?" I asked.
"Yes, writer director person."
Now, as I was saying, we are all at Pigboils. We find myself and everyone else in Conjuring Class.
"Get the crap on stage," I hissed to the group. They rushed into the classroom and took their places at their desks.
The teacher walked in. The teacher was young, only in his early twenties and had short brown hair. He was wearing a black and white pinstripe vest over a white long sleeve shirt and black pants and shoes. He had a black top hat on with a red ribbon wrapped around right over the brim. His cape had different playing cards and two groups of flowers on the inside of it and tied with a string at his neck. He had a black plastic magicians' wand in his hand.
I should also mention that the students and teachers are not called wizards, witches, students, or professors, but instead, magicianents, magicianets, magicians in training, and magician. It's very confusing and takes a lot more to say.
"Then why even bother writing it?" Frankie asked.
"Are you going to criticize everything I write?" I asked, my hands on my hips.
"I'm still not over the fact that you put Mello in a dress and Kankuro into therapy."
"Oh, get over it!" I said.
"Ok, I'm over it," she said. Ah, the power of being the writer.
Now where was I? Oh yeah, the teacher walking in.
"Hello, magicians-in-training, to Conjuring Class!" the teacher said. "I am your magician, Magician Diet Coke."
I leaned back from my computer and covered my eyes with my hand, laughing. Oh, god, what the hell is wrong with me?
Back to the story, Magician Diet Coke, MDC for short, walked to the front of the room and wrote his name on the board.
"Now, today we are going to be learning how to pull a rabbit out of a hat."
Frankie raised her hand.
"Yes, uhh person in the front with short hair who I can't tell the gender on," MDC said.
"It's Frankie, and I'm a girl," Frankie said.
"Okay, Frankie, what do you want?"
"How will pulling a rabbit out of a hat help us later in life?"
"It just will, now," he pulled two boxes out from under his desk. "Come and get a hat and a rabbit."
Everyone went up and collected their hat and rabbit and went back to their seats.
"Now locate the false bottom in the hat," MDC said.
"My hat doesn't have one!" Ed said.
"Transmute one, then, you idiot," MDC said.
"You can't insult the students!" I yelled from my post.
"You wrote it not me. Now, place your rabbit in the hat." Everyone did just that. "Line up." Everyone was pushing and shoving trying to form a line. Five minutes later everyone was silent and standing still.
MDC facepalmed. They were in a circle.
"I said line you dipshits, not circle."
"I didn't know you could make a circle out of four people," Ed said.
"You can't, nii-san, that's a square," Al said.
"Isn't Rebecca supposed to be here at Pigboils?" Frankie asked.
"I am at Pigboils," I said. "I'm just not in your class."
"Then where are you?" Frankie asked.
"Computer class," I said matter-of-factly.
"Gluttony hungry," Gluttony said, a finger in his mouth.
"Not, right now, tub of lard," MDC said. "Face me, guys, good. Now, when I tell you, take your hat, show it to the invisible people in front of you, make sure the false bottom isn't falling out, turn the hat back towards you, wave your hands over the opening and say 'Abra Kadabra' and pull out the rabbit." He pulled out a fluffy white bunny.
"Abra Kadabra sounds like Avada Kedavra," Frankie said.
"Shut up, you," MDC said. "Okay, Frankie, because you seem to like to make fun of Pigboils, you can go first."
She waved her hand over the opening. "Abra Kadabra," she said and pulled out the bunny.
"Good, good. Now, Al," MDC said.
"Abra Kadabra," he said and pulled out a brown tabby kitten that looked strangely like Professor McGonagall.
"Al, how did your rabbit turn into a cat?" MDC asked.
"I didn't have a rabbit, I had a cat," Al said.
Al was scratching the cat behind the ears before it jumped off his lap and transformed into none other than Professor Minerva McGonagall of Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry.
"Magician Diet Coke, I need for you to stop summoning me to this school," she said. "It is a disgrace to the wizarding world as a whole, now good day." She apparated away.
MDC rubbed his temples. "Okay, Gluttony, your turn."
"Abra Kadabra," he said and pulled out nothing but air. He stuck his head into the hat and looked for his rabbit. "Bunny gone," Gluttony said.
"Where did it go, tub of lard?"
MDC growled. "Ed, go," he said.
"Abra Kadabra," he said and pulled out a write rabbit that was stained with bright red blood and its guts were falling to the floor.
"What did you do?" MDC asked.
"Uh well you see, it was the Killer White Rabbit and it tried to kill me, so I killed it," Ed explained.
"We need the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch!" Frankie shouted. "…where is it?"
"God damn it, Gluttony," Frankie muttered, facepalming.
"It's already, dead, Frankie," I shouted over to her.
"How would you know?" she shouted back.
"I wrote it, now, MDC, continue with the lesson, please."
"Umm, yeah, that was it, class dismissed," he said and threw a smoke bomb down. The smoke cleared and he was still standing in the same place. "Opps, I forgot I suck ate dramatic exits."
"Why am I even here?" Ed asks. "Magic doesn't exist, yet here I am 'learning' magic."
"Why did you put learning in quotes, nii-san?" Al asked.
"Do you call this crap learning, Al?"
"NI!" a knight who says 'ni' yelled.
"AHHHH!" MDC yelled. He then melted into a pile of goo like the Wicked Witch of the West.
Who by chance is a very nice lady. Elphaba just knows how to make that blueberry pie just right, or was that the witch that lived in the gingerbread house in Hansel and Gretel?
You know, I don't care much for blueberry pie. Or any pie for that matter. I like oreo cookie pie though. That pie is really good. *drool*
"Ewwww, Rebecca!" Frankie yelled. "You're getting drool on the keyboard!"
I wiped my mouth. "Shut up, you," I said.
Suddenly, a black and white cow came running though the set.
"Okay, that's it," Frankie said, stomping off of the Pigboils set.
Nobody was even sure it was a set or not since there were no cameras and there were four walls and it was freezing cold in the room since it was in the middle of Mount Everest, and yet when you step outside the room, you aren't cold anymore.
Frankie stomped up to Rebecca and unplugged the computer from the wall.
"Hey!" I shouted.
"You need help," she said and proceeded to tie a blindfold and a gag on me. She tied my arms together and my legs.
Frankie threw me over her shoulder and brought me to an unknown location.
"Why is Rebecca bound and gagged over your shoulder?" Rewind asked. Are we somehow inside her backpack?
"She needs mental help," Frankie said.
"What did she do?"
"Have you read her oneshots recently? They are just plain insane!"
"Are you sure you aren't the one typing them, then, Frankie?"
"Of course not, Rewind, I would know if I was. Wouldn't I?"
"Not necessarily," Rewind said.
"Help me!" I yelled, but it sounded more like, "Mff mee!"
Frankie dropped me on the ground and took off my blindfold. I was in a puffy white room in the depths of Frankie's secret base/clubhouse thing behind that tree.
"Now," Frankie said. "You're going to sit here until you feel better."
"I feel fine," I insisted.
Frankie pulled some papers out in front of her and showed them to me. "These were the last couple of stories you wrote. You are not okay." She walked out of the room and locked the door.
I pulled out my cell phone and called Ian.
"Can you teleport to me?" I asked.
"Where are ye?" he asked. The phone was plucked form my hand.
"Nuh uh uh," Frankie said, shaking her finger in a disapproving way. "The room has silver in all the walls by the way, so he wouldn't have been able to get in anyway."
I slumped in defeat and Frankie walked out of the room.
"How long are you going to leave her in there?" Rewind asked Frankie outside the room.
"Until she's normal again."
"Normal? Define normal?"
"I don't know. Just so her stories aren't so freaking random!" The duo walked away to play Brawl with Laszlo.
I still had my top hat from Pigboils on my head. I took it off and studied it for a second. I made sure the false bottom was still intact and waved my hand over the opening.
"Abra Kadabra!" I said and reached into the hat. I pulled out Magician Diet Coke who was in his bathrobe.
"I was about to take a bath, if you don't mind," he said.
"I do mind actually," I said. "I'm locked in this room, can you get me out?" I asked.
"Of course," he said. "Now hold on to my arm." I held onto the arm and he reached into a pocket of his robe and threw down a smoke bomb.
When the smoke cleared MDC wasn't wearing his robe anymore and all of his props were on the ground.
"God damn it. I hate when that happens."
"How often does that happen?" I asked.
"Too often," he said, still in his birthday suit. He picked up another smoke bomb and threw it, causing a big explosion.
Frankie walked up to the crater where the room used to be.
"You think she's alive?" Frankie asked, poking me with a stick.
"Not sure," Rewind answered, walking up. "Let's just leave her there and see if she wakes up later."
"Good idea," Frankie replied and walked away, leaving me in the giant crater.
MDC was never seen again and Rewind and Frankie both lost at Brawl to the computer who was playing as Kirby, while they were playing as Sheik and Pikachu.
Yeah, I think is what happens when I finish school and the stress gets to me. *sweatdrops* C/O list:
Pigboils: it's a parody of Hogwarts
Hogwarts: Harry Potter, the main school (if you didn't know that, where have you been)
Frankie: my friend
Gluttony: Full Metal Alchemist. Homunculi, eats everything
Ed: Full Metal Alchemist. Main person
Al: Full Metal Alchemist. Ed's younger brother
Mello: Death Note (Frankie hubby #1)
Kankuro: Naruto (Frankie hubby #2)
Rewind: guy who lives in Frankie's backpack
Laszlo: Love at Stake series (Frankie hubby #3)
Near: Death Note (my hubby #1)
Envy: Full Metal Alchemist (my hubby #2)
Avada Kadavra: Harry Potter. Killing curse
Professor Minerva McGonagall: Harry Potter. Transfiguration teacher
Killer White Rabbit: Monty Python and the Holy Grail. It is what it says it is, a killer white rabbit.
Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch: Holy Grail. It kills the Killer White Rabbit
NI/ Knights who say 'Ni': Holy Grail. Can't really explain this one without seeming crazy
Wicked Witch of The West/Elphaba: Wizard of Oz/Wicked. Elphaba is the witch's name in Wicked
Witch in Hansel and Gretel: Hansel and Gretel duh. She lives in a gingerbread house and tries to eat the kids
Frankie's clubhouse thing: read her oneshot…Al's Secret Part Two
Ian: Love at Stake series (my hubby #3)
Brawl: Super Mario Smash Brothers Brawl. Video game for Wii
Kirby/Sheik/Pikachu: characters in said game
This list took up half a page…that's really sad. Imagine if this oneshot was any longer. XD
Review Please and more craziness will be delivered.