This was written by me (Rebecca).
The Canoe Trip
I was sitting in my house reading fanfiction and waiting for Envy to return from the task I told him to go do.
He walked in the front door and dropped the two squirming bags on the floor. The amount of obscenities that were coming from both bags would have made a sailor blush.
I looked up from my computer screen, down to the bags, and up to a smirking Envy. "Didn't I tell you to knock them out?"
"Well, that would have been no fun," Envy said. "I took away all their weapons and hog tied them. I thought about gagging them, but it was more fun to have the police wonder what the hell I was doing." He laughed.
"Idiot," I said. "Where are their weapons?"
"Back at Frankie's house."
"Are you sure you got all their dangerous pointy things and guns?"
"Yes. It took me ten minutes just to make sure they were both clean."
I nodded. "Alright, take them down to holding cell 1."
"There's a holding cell 1 in your house?"
"I had it built last night when Frankie told me to watch them."
Envy nodded and picked up the two bags, bringing the poor captured people to the holding area.
I followed a few minutes later.
Envy was leaning against the wall at the bottom of the stairs and proceeded to walk with me towards the holding cell.
"Why did you name it 'Holding Cell 1' if you only have one cell to begin with?"
"I was planning to have at least five, but the basement wasn't big enough, and I couldn't put the cells at ground level because then other people would see them and call the police. I don't need more restraining orders. It's hard to keep those people away from me."
"You know, it's illegal to kidnap people and lock them in your basement, right?"
"Says the person who has kidnapped Mello at least five times and locked in him the phone booth in my grandma's house. You're such a hypocrite."
"Am not. I'm an anime character as well, and a villain at that, so I have the right."
"Are too, and you have no such right."
"I kidnapped Al."
"Why do I like you again?" I asked.
"Like me?" Envy asked. "I thought you loved me. I'm hurt."
"Could the both of you shut the hell up?" Mello shouted from inside the cell.
"Seriously, you two bicker like an old married couple," Kankuro said.
"Well, Envy is old and Rebecca is—" Mello trailed off as I glared at him.
"Finish that sentence," I said. Mello was wisely silent.
I got a good look at Mello and Kankuro. Mello was held five feet off the ground by his wrists. His shoulders were about to pop out of their sockets and his hair was messier than normal. He was also wearing grey sweatpants and a loose white t-shirt. He didn't have any black on him, it was weird. Kankuro was strung upside down from the ceiling by his ankles. His arms were crossed in front of his chest and he was glaring down at me and Envy. He was wearing plaid green pants and no shirt. Instead of make-up on his face; he had a green exfoliate mask on. It looked like Envy pulled the duo from their night of relaxing.
"Why did you kidnap us and trap us in this cell?" Kankuro asked.
"I'd like to know that, too," Envy said. "Why did you have me kidnap them?"
"Frankie told me to watch you guys while she, Rewind, and Laszlo went on a canoe trip with her church group or something."
"Watch, not kidnap," Mello said.
"There's a difference?" I asked.
"YES!" Kankuro shouted.
"Voulez vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?" Mello asked me.
I spun around and bitched slapped him upside the head. "I took French, remember," I said. "I know what you said."
"I was counting on that," Mello said, smirking.
Kankuro just looked confused. "What did he say?"
"Will you sleep with me tonight," I told Kankuro.
He looked disgusted. "Um, no offence, Rebecca, but Frankie is the only one I'll have sex with."
I rolled my eyes and hit his head. "Baka! Mello said 'will you sleep with me tonight' in French."
Kankuro's mouth made an 'o' shape with understanding, but quickly turned into a frown. He turned towards Mello. "Why are you asking Rebecca that? I thought you were loyal to Frankie!"
"Hey," Mello said, "anything to try and get out of this prison cell."
"It's not a prison cell, it's a holding cell."
"Anyway," Mello said. "Will you?"
"No, you baka neko," I said.
"I'm not a stupid cat!" Mello shouted.
"Yes you are!"
"Then you're a towel!"
"You're a towel!" I shouted back.
Envy facepalmed and wondered how Rebecca passed her freshman year at high school.
"Kawarimi no Jutsu!" Kankuro yelled.
There was a poof of smoke and Mello was suddenly missing from where he was chained up. Kankuro was standing next to the holding cell—still inside, but Mello was now hanging from his ankles where Kankuro was previously.
"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Mello yelled, starting to panic.
"I knew I forgot something," I said. "I needed to put seals on Kankuro and separate his hands." I hit my forehead with the palm of my hand. "How could I be so stupid?"
Kankuro laughed and tried to grab the bars of the cell. I wasn't quite sure what he was going to do with the bar that was cemented into the floor and the ceiling and that was made one hundred percent of iron.
Kankuro yelped and yanked his hand back, rubbing it.
"What happened?" Mello asked. It was my turn to laugh.
"The bars are electrified!" Kankuro whined.
"Did you think I would just put up bars and not do something to them?" I pointed a finger accusingly at Kankuro and wagged in slowly. "I know how sneaky you ninjas can be. I always have a back-up plan."
"How would you know how sneaky ninjas are?" Kankuro asked.
I placed my hands on my hips and slowly shook my head sadly.
"Poor, poor, naïve Kankuro. I'm a ninja, silly. Of course, I know how sneaky ninjas are."
Envy leaned over and whispered in my ear. "Since when have you been a ninja?"
"Since ever," I replied.
"What village are you from?" Kankuro asked.
"The only one that's actually hidden."
"Which one is that?"
"The Hexagon Village!" I shouted throwing up my hands.
Kankuro leaned over to Mello whose face was starting to turn red from the blood that was dropping into his head. "I think she's gone bonkers."
Mello nodded. "Can you get me down?"
Kankuro nodded and climbed up the wall behind them. He pulled a senbon from somewhere on his person and undid the shackles that were holding up Mello. Mello fell and landed on a big fluffy mattress that popped out of the floor. It disappeared as soon as it appeared.
"Where did he get that senbon?" I asked Envy.
"I'm not sure; there were no weapons on either of them when I brought them here," Envy said.
"But he can't just make things appear from thin air, right?"
"Not at all, but he did pull it out of somewhere."
"Right, I don't want to know."
"Me neither," Envy said.
"My head hurts," Mello said from the ground. One hand was clenching his head in pain.
"That's what you get for landing head first onto the stone ground, Mello," Kankuro said.
"When is Frankie getting back?" Mello asked.
"Ummm," I said. I looked down at my watch. "Five minutes."
"Oh, thank Kami," Kankuro said.
"I second that," Mello replied.
"Envy," I said. "Plan Qr7T5."
"Okay," Envy said and pulled a long piece of duct tape from the roll. Kankuro and Mello's eyes widened.
"Wha-what are you going to do with that?" Kankuro asked.
"Oh," I said, "You'll see." I smirked and walked back upstairs, letting Envy do his work.
Mello and Kankuro screamed bloody murder. I shook my head; and they call themselves a ninja and L's successor. They're nothing but wimps.
Five minutes later there was a knock on the front door. "Rebecca!" Frankie yelled. "Your doorbell doesn't work!"
"Envy!" I shouted down the stairs.
"What?" Envy shouted back.
"Bring them up to the Family Room and get them to stop screaming!"
"Alright." Envy came up a few seconds later with two unconscious bodies over his shoulders. He brought them over to the couch and woke them up.
I rolled my eyes and unlocked the door, allowing Frankie, Rewind, and Laszlo in.
"I trust that they were okay?" Frankie asked right away.
"Of course," I replied.
"Oh, and Akamaru ate that piece of tape on the doorbell."
"God damn it," I mumbled. "Come in, you guys. They're in the Family Room."
"They were good, right?" Frankie asked. I nodded again and lead her and her little posse into the Family Room.
"We had such a good time didn't we, boys?" I asked.
They nodded, their mouths taped shut. They also had thick rope wrapped around their arms, pinning their arms to their chests. Their legs were also tied together with the same thick rope.
"ASKRGHARIHTAIOWhtaieouthwpituhj vpuqyqergjoiaehrgoahrgjahejrgt;jah;ghr uthquirgh;qegriehqutiuhtuih43pth93hct19ht cuhx4iubg ubruy3bgiquhgitu47y3q975y093867298798cyp2835htpu53iphtpiuqh4pqtiuher c2iugt285ghr3ytiughuiqwh4tui3hyiuqtyg873q4ihtp89qy39874yehpurahtiuq54y3q7ig4htipq34yg!" Frankie yelled.
Laszlo pushed a button on a remote control and Frankie was pushed by some unknown force into the corner.
"NOOOO!" she shouted, "I don't want to go back to the corner!"
Frankie was silenced by the press of another button on Laszlo's remote control.
"What is that thing?" I asked him, leaning over to look at it closely, when Frankie was pouting in the corner.
"It's called The Push Frankie Into The Corner And Shut Her Up Magic Button button, or TPFITCASHUMB button," Laszlo explained.
"That's very long and hard," Envy said.
"That's what she said," I said and started cracking up. Kankuro started shaking with laughter along with Rewind. Laszlo snorted a few times, trying to hold in his laughs. Mello just pretended like he didn't know us and Envy glared at me. I just smiled innocently.
When we all calmed down, and Envy's killing intent—aimed only at me, mind you—mostly disappeared, I turned to Rewind. "What exactly did Frankie say?" I asked.
"Something 'bout how she was only gone for a week in the woods and there were 'bout 3 dudes she could have easily cheated on with while gone on said trip and resisted the urge and how could her loyal hubbies betray her and that the name Frankie usually translates to a mafia member doing the whacking or being whacked and she does have serious mafia blood in her relating to Al Pacino and she will brutally hurt them if a logical answer isn't submitted.... And she does have serious family relations to Al Pacino..... So watch yourself," Rewind explained.
"Ow, that hurt my brains," I said, rubbing my head.
Laszlo pressed the button again and Frankie turned around and walked out of the corner. Rewind turned to her.
"Did you learn your lesson?" he asked. Frankie nodded silently. "Good girl." He patted her head.
"Now," Laszlo said, "we will be going." Rewind untied Kankuro and Mello, leaving the duct tape on. They strapped Mello's leash on and left my house, leaving me alone with Envy.
Envy was patting down his clothes looking for something.
"What are you looking for?" I asked.
"Kankuro took my wallet. That god damn puppet master, he's going down," Envy all but growled. He ran out of the house, towards Frankie's house.
I was left alone in the room and looked around suspiciously. "Frankie," I said, "you're going to kill me know, aren't you?"
Frankie asked me to watch them and I did my duty as a best friend. *smiles innocently* C/O list:
Envy: Fullmetal Alchemist (my hubby #1)
Frankie: my bestiest friend!!!! Who called me Lord Rebecca-Sama in her last oneshot. Me love her for that XD
Holding Cell 1: I don't really have this in my basement…but I had to tie them up somewhere XD
Mello: Death Note (Frankie hubby #1)
Al: Fullmetal Alchemist
Kankuro: Naruto (Frankie hubby #2)
"You're a towel": South Park…from the episode 'Towelie'
Kawarimi no Jutsu: Naruto. Change of Body Stance Technique. You switch yourself with something thats close to you ( you can switch wit another person). It's a basic ninja skill, so I'm assuming that the nins in Sand also know it.
The Hexagon Village: If you can find where (or what) this place is, let me know, cuz I own the headband and I have a pic of it and I cant read the small writing below it. The symbol is a hexagon.
Senbon: long needle
Laszlo: Love at Stake series (Frankie hubby #3)
Rewind: Frankie's dude that lives in her backpack
Akamaru: Naruto. Kiba's dog/friend.
What Frankie yells (her gibberish): she wrote that to me when I gave her a sneak peak of this chapter
Rewind's translation: that's what he said her gibberish meant
School starts tomorrow (yes I said tomorrow) and I get my braces off today ^_^. Updates may come slower because I won't have as much time to write as I did before. I will NOT abandon this series of oneshots, I promise you! Until the next one…