This one was written by me (Rebecca).

The Chainsaw

"Envy! Come back here!" Ed shouted, running after Envy, his red coat billowing out behind him.

"No way!" Envy shouted back, turning his head to look back at the blond haired chibi. He never stopped running from the crazed chainsaw wielding alchemist.

Envy turned his head back around, his long green hair following across his face and streaming behind him.

He was running across the path at H-F High School. One second, he was running towards North Building, the next, he was staring up at the clouds. He knew that he didn't just decide to stare at the clouds like Shikamaru; he wasn't that lazy.

A giant shadow fell over Envy. He propped himself up on his elbows and stared up at the large, metal Al.

"That hurt, Al," Envy said standing up. He shielded his eyes from the sun as he looked at Al.

"Sorry, Envy."

"RAAAH!" Ed screamed, rushing at Envy, chainsaw raised over his head ready to bring down and strike.

Envy knew that he wouldn't have time to leap out of the way before the chainsaw hit, so he shifted into Greed in his armor form.

The chainsaw bounced painlessly off his head, rebounded, causing Ed to lose what little control he had over the heavy metal thing, and started to chop up the tiny Elric.

"Ahhh!" Ed screamed in pain. "Help me, you bastards!"

Al stood with his mouth gaping and eyes wide—figuratively, of course, since, he's just armor. Envy was bent over, clenching his stomach, laughing.

"Hahahahaha, chibi-chan."

Ed was still running in terror and he ran downhill towards the Bio Pond, causing the chainsaw to fly into the pond.

Ed slumped back onto the path and collapsed: blood pooled around him.

"Brother?" Al asked.

Envy shifted the armor off and picked up a stick from the ground. He walked over to Ed and poked him in the side.

Al took out a piece of chalk and drew a very complex transmutation circle around Ed. He went through five pieces of chalk before he was done. It was a wonder that Ed was still alive.

Al bent down inside the circle and rested his hands on the edge of the circle, activating it with himself, Ed, and Envy inside.

~~ In Konoha ~~ The Village Hidden in the Leaves ~~

Tsunade stared at the bright blue light that showed up in the center of Konoha three days ago. It made all of the shinobi tense.

The blue light started to fade and three figures were there who weren't before: a giant metal…thing, a green haired girl, and a blond haired boy in a pool of blood.

"Hey, tin can, what was the big idea?" the girl yelled, standing up. Her green hair reached mid thigh and contrasted with her purple clothes and pale skin.

"I'm sorry, Envy. You weren't supposed to get stuck in the transmutation," the metal thing said.

Envy shrugged. "Whatever. Isn't Fullmetal shorty dying or something?"

The metal thing gasped. "Brother!"

Tsunade snapped out of her reverie and barked orders at the nins to get the blond kid to the hospital.

~~ Elsewhere in Konoha ~~

Jiraiya was walking towards the bathhouses to do more "research" when he was passed by a slender green haired girl. She didn't look like she could hold herself in a fight. She looked delicate and sweet, except for the angry scowl on her face.

Jiraiya stared at her lithe form walked away when he smiled perversely and ran ahead of the girl and leaned against the wall of a building.

"Why are you so angry, hime?" Jiraiya said.

The girl stared at him with a livid expression on her face. Her eyes lit up with recognition and Jiraiya thought he was going to be beaten to a pulp again, but instead, the girl walked up to him, swaying her hips. Jiraiya stared greedily. He never saw the smirk on the girls' face.

"My, my, my," she said. "I never thought I would run into the famous Toad-sannin, Jiraiya." She rested both her hands gently on his chest, pushing him closer to the wall. "I'm Envy," she said, one finger trailed down his chest.

"H-hi," he managed to choke out.

Envy giggled. She had such a beautiful laugh. "It's so cute when you stutter."


"Mm-hmm." Envy nodded. "Although, you should know one thing."

"W-what?" Envy's finger kept trailing lower on his chest.

Envy slowly leaned over to Jiraiya's ear. "I'm a boy," Envy whispered seductively. Jiraiya just stared—shocked—at the retreating form of Envy.

~~ Back in the real world far away from Konoha ~~ My backyard to be precise ~~

A week later when the chainsaw was finally fished out of the Bio Pond, people were gathered around a freshly dug grave with a garbage bag sitting in it.

Patty was crying crocodile tears while Liz comforted her and Kid rolled his eyes. Near was sitting on the floor with his toys, Mello was eating chocolate, Matt was playing video games, Kankuro was messing with Shigure and Rewind, while Ian and Laszlo were talking about the upcoming war with Casimir. None of the guests were paying attention, except Patty and Liz.

Frankie and myself were standing next to each other, trying to hold back tears as we stared down the open grave.

I turned to look at the guests. "Do any of you want to say something?" I asked. A few of them jumped at my voice and looked confused, not really sure why me and Frankie dragged them all out here.

Frankie took a deep breath in and out. "I will," she said. She walked over to the other side of the grave and faced us. "It was a good chainsaw. It was always there if I needed it. I've had it since I stole it from Lord Rebecca-Sama four months ago."

"You did what now?" I shouted.

"I'll miss that chainsaw. I had so many fond memories with it. I remember this one time, I once cut off Envy's—well we think it was Envy—arm at lunch one day. I just…I just wish…" She took off crying. Rewind ran after to comfort her.

No one else said anything and we buried the chainsaw in the ground in the backyard next to my old pet cat.

For some reason, Jack Fenton was watching the service through the bushes and thought that the dead and broken chainsaw would make an excellent ghost hunter tool called the Fenton-Ecochainsaw (patent pending).

So, with that in mind, Jack climbed over the bushes and fence that appeared around my backyard when he went towards it and dug up the chainsaw. He left the backyard with the garbage bag over his shoulder and a giant pile of dirt next to a hole. The fence disappeared when he walked away.

~~At Fenton Works, Amity Park~~

Lightening flashed in the sky and drilling sounds came from the Fenton's basement.

Jack was in the basement of his house replacing half of the chainsaw DNA with ghost DNA…somehow.

He screwed in the final screw and pulled the chord on the chainsaw, bringing it to life.

It vibrated off of the table and started to attack Jack. He ran towards the ghost portal, screaming. The chainsaw flew in the open portal.

~~At H-F High School on G Path (the one that goes to G Building, stupid)~~

All of us from the funeral, except for Mello, Near, and Matt were on the path walking towards North for Anime Club. Mello, Matt, and Near were working on the Kira case.

"Does anyone else feel like something bad is going to happen?" I asked. Everyone froze and looked at me.

"Rebecca, ye worry too much," Ian said. I stared at him like he was crazy. He was in the middle of a war and he's telling me not to worry.

"Don't fret, Lord Rebecca-Sama, I'm sure you're just imagining things," Frankie said, throwing her arm over my shoulders.

"I feel it, too," Death the Kid said.


"SHUT UP, LEE!" we shouted back. He fell down from his nice guy pose and rolled into the Bio Pond.

"How does he just pop out of nowhere?" Kankuro asked.

"He's a ninja," Shigure said.

"I'm a ninja, too, and I can't do that."

"That just means he's better than you." Shigure smirked.

Kankuro shook his fist angrily. "Why you little—"

The rest of his sentence was drowned out by a green ball of lightening that appeared in the sky. Nobody moved.

The green ball expanded to the size of a small box from U-Haul. The sound of a motor got louder and louder.

The chainsaw flew out of the ball that immediately disappeared when the chainsaw was free.

It floated in mid-air for a few seconds before it stated chasing us. We high-tailed it back to South Building.

"I told you something would happen!" I shouted.

"Shut up, Rebecca," Kankuro said. "Just shut up!"

"Screw you, Kankuro!"

We finally got in the building, but the chainsaw flew through the window, shattering glass everywhere.

"Run, run, run," Shigure shouted. "Argue later."

We ran into the cafeteria and barricaded the doors with the lunch tables. The windows were chainsaw proof.

"I knew those windows would come in handy," Emily said. "I'm glad I installed them."

"Hi, Emily!" I shouted. Me and Frankie glomped our panda loving friend.

"Can't…breath…death…is…clo…………" Emily stuttered out. We let go and let her fall to the floor.

"Oh dear, I think we killed her," I said.

Frankie shrugged. "Oh, well." I "hmm"ed in agreement.

We sat down with the rest of the group at one of the lunch tables we didn't use for the blockade.

I spotted an empty closet off to the side of the caf and an idea popped into my head.

"Hey, Frankie," I said.

"What?" she asked, turning towards me with a stick of chocolate Pocky sticking out of her mouth.

I laughed at the image she created. "Guess who's in that closet over there?"

"Who?" She ate another stick of Pocky.


She froze and the box of Pocky and the one lone stick in her mouth fell onto the ground. She stood up and ran into the closet, closing the door behind her.

"I think she's going to need more than seven minutes," Shigure said.

I banged my head onto the table. "Why are you such a pervert?" I asked, my voice muffled by the table.

"Because high school girls are so innocent and beautiful.

"Shigure," Mello said. He came in though the kitchens. "Do I have to kill you for talking about Frankie that way?"

Shigure tilted his head to the side in confusion. "I thought she was a walking penis."

Mello pulled out a gun and pointed it at his head. He turned towards me. "Where is she?"

I pointed to the closet.

Mello turned back towards Shigure. "You are not allowed anywhere near that door." Shigure nodded and Mello put his gun away. He turned back towards me. "Why is she in the closet?

"I told her that you were in there," I said.

"Why would you tell her that? You know how she gets." I shrugged and Mello sighed. "She hasn't come out in a while. Who's really in there?"

I glanced over at the dead Emily out of the corner of my eye. "The Joker."

Emily's eyes snapped open and she sat straight up. We were just staring at zombie Emily. Okay, she wasn't really a zombie, but she was dead a minute ago.

She jumped up and grabbed my shoulders in a vey tight grip. "Are you serious?" I nodded.

"ZOMG!" she shouted and ran into the closet as well.

The second the door fully shut, we could hear the loud screams from Emily, Frankie, and a few unknowns.

Five minutes later, the screaming stopped and Frankie walked out of the closet covered in red jelly from her head to her toes. Beyond Birthday walked out after her in the same condition.

They sat down a table and started to make jelly sandwiches.

I stared at them with a stunned expression on my face. "I don't ever want to know."

"No one does. No one ever does," Mello said.

"And that children in why you don't ask friends to let you borrow their chainsaw…"


Hahaha got it out on a tuesday like I did wen I updated regularly. XD it literally came from Ham asking me to borrow my chainsaw. I actually don't think I own a chainsaw, but o well. *shrugs* here's the C/O list:

Envy: homunculi (Fullmetal Alchemist)
Edward Elric (Ed): main character (FMA)
H-F High School: my school
North/South Building: we have two buildings…North is where Anime Club was
Shikamaru: lazy ass ninja (Naruto)
Alphonse Elric (Al): brother of Ed (FMA)
Greed: homunculi (FMA)
Bio Pond: theres a pond between the buildings.
Konoha: main village (Naruto)
Tsunade: medic-nin, 4th hokage (Naruto)
shinobi: another word for ninja
Jiraiya: Toad Sage aka Toad-sannin aka Ero-sannin aka Pervy Sage XD (Naruto)
hime: means princess
Patty: gun (Soul Eater)
Liz: Patty's sister…gun (Soul Eater)
Death the Kid/Kid: Patty and Liz's meister (Soul Eater)
Near: detective (Death Note) my hubby #1
Mello: detective. (Death Note) Frankie hubby #1
Matt: helps Mello. (Death Note)
Kankuro: ninja of Suna (Naruto) Frankie hubby #2
Shigure: Fruits Basket
Rewind: he lives in Frankie's bra/backpack/pocket
Ian: Love at Stake series (my hubby #2)
Laszlo: Love at Stake series (Frankie hubby #3)
Casimir: bad guy in Love at Stake series
Lord Rebecca-Sama: me…Frankie gave me the name a while ago XD
Jack Fenton: Danny Phantom
Rock Lee: aka the Green Beast of Konoha…I think, unless that's Gai. (Naruto)
Emily: Emily Kuc, she's our friend and absolutely adores pandas and The Joker
Pocky: you just fail if you don't know what this is
Joker: Batman
Beyond Birthday: bad guy from Death Note: Another Note

Well, I hoped you liked this crack filled story. Please review!!

Til next chap
Rebecca aka Lord Rebecca-Sama