This was written by me (Rebecca).
"Save me from the horrors and boringness that is school," I said to Frankie as I sat down at the lunch table.
"At least you're not in pain!" she said. "Well physical pain at least…" She showed me a picture of Gaara (Shippuden outfit) with a blindfold on and a pointy bat in his hand. A chibi Deidara was smashed against the wall and a chibi Naruto was in the corner going "OH EM EFF GEEE!!!"
I looked at the picture and raised an eyebrow. "Uhhhh, what exactly is happening in this picture? And why are you in pain?"
She looked down "Me tummy hurts and I'm drugged up and I have a hot pad on me tummy." I nodded, unsure. "Deidara is a piñata. And Gaara is beating him up for kidnapping him."
"I'm sorry about your pain and at least you're not Deidara." I took a bite of my wrap.
"Yeah…," she said. "He losses his arms and blows up………."
"That tends to be painful…Envy thinks so too and he can grow those back," I told her.
"Yeah, amputation does hurt a little. You know that feeling right? It's debatable if he can grow them back!" she argued.
"I can't say I know the feeling, seeing that all my limbs are flesh and blood and not automail," I said, wondering why she knows how amputation feels like. "Why wouldn't he be able to grow them back?"
"Remember when Wrath got burnt by hot steam? His skin didn't regenerate."
"But Wrath is an annoying little brat," I argued. "Who by chance is hilarious," I laughed. "And Envy can shapeshift. He can make a new arm!"
"How can u shapeshift what isn't there?" she countered.
I thought for a second. "Well, he can change into a man with a penis and no boobs to a woman with boobs and no penis!"
"What does that have to do arms?" Frankie asked confused.
"Well, he didn't have boobs before he shifted."
"The question still remains," she said.
"Well, he's a guy so he naturally doesn't have boobs," I said. "So, he has to create them from nothing—unless he rips them off of some lady—and the same goes for if he loses an arm."
"Ooo using the old booby from air trick I see," she said, stroking her chin. "A worthy opponent."
I nodded at her strangeness. "Yes…umm I'm confused now, so, why don't you enlighten me," I said.
"Boobs don't come from air," Frankie said, throwing her hands up in the air. "They regenerate from the body. In other words, Envy is a chick and is in denial."
I stared at her. If Envy was a chick, I would know; he's my husband. "Where does his penis come from?" I asked.
"His feet," she said and took a bite of her sandwich.
I took a bite of my wrap. "Explain…"
"You know what they say about men with big feet?" she paused. I facepalmed, wrong body parts combined. "It has just been explained."
"No it hasn't!" I countered.
"Picky," she said.
"Yeah," I agreed. "And it's the size of the feet for the size of the penis."
She smiled. "I know. What's Envy's shoe size?"
"I knew it," she said and ate the last piece of sandwich.
"Exactly," she said.
Envy walked up to the lunch table and sat down across from me on the edge. "What are you guys talking about?" he asked.
Frankie looked at her food and blushed. I smirked. "Penis size."
Envy blinked a few times. "Uhh, alright then."
"And if you lost a limb, would it grow back," Frankie said.
"Well, that was how it started," I informed him.
"I don't even want to know how it got to Penis size."
Suddenly Frankie pulled a chain saw out from under the table and sliced off Envy's arm. Why didn't I notice the roar of the chainsaw earlier?
He jumped up, outraged. "What was that for?!" He was dripping blood onto the floor. Everyone in the cafeteria was staring at him.
He picked up his arm and stalked off, muttering about something.
I looked at Frankie. "What was the purpose of that?"
"To see if he could grow his arm back."
"And if he couldn't?"
She shrugged. "Not my problem." I sighed. "I still don't think he can. I mean if he could, he would have just made a new arm grow and stopped the flow of blood onto the floor."
A bell rang in my head. Blood. "Does Envy bleed?" I asked.
Frankie paused. "I…don't…know."
"Well, if he doesn't, then let's hope whoever's arm you cut off, doesn't sue or anything."
Frankie started humming, thus ending any conversation I could have with her.
"Psst, Rebecca," my earpiece crackled with Envy's voice.
"What?" I asked, pushing on the talk button the earpiece.
"Meet me outside in five minutes." I smiled a smile that was closer to a smirk and ate my Rice Krispy Treat.
The first part of this conversation actually happened. Well, it was actually over text messages and while I was at Temple. (I'm Jewish btw)
Envy: FullMetal Alchemist…in the anime he's Ed's older half-bro
Shippuden: It's after the two year time-skip in Naruto
Frankie: my friend