--Okay, so this is a oneshot series I started just for giggles and Castiel Fangirls like myself. Ratings will vary from chapter to chapter. So, thank you for reading and please review!--
Summary: Castiel has a secret, one that could cost him his grace.
I stared out the window, realizing how cliché it was to be looking sadly out the window while it was raining. I was scared.
He was fighting tonight. He might get hurt. Someone had been killing angels why wouldn't they kill him? I told him it was dangerous to try and do this alone, but he told me he wasn't. He told me that there was someone there to help him. He wasn't overly pleased with the person at this particular moment in time, but at least he would help.
He told me he would come see me when it was all over, but that was three days ago. After the second angel was killed. God I was scared. What if he didn't come back? What if I never saw him again? What if I never found out if he really..? No, can't think like that, can we?
The rain made me sadder. It made it look like there was no hope for anything. It blotted out the stars and hid the moon behind ink black clouds. No hope. If he didn't come tonight, then I had to assume the worst. I had to assume he was gone, and I would never see him again.
The tears were there and on my face before I could stop them. My heart twisted tighter into the knot it had become. I looked out into the bleak rain streaked night, thinking about his face, his eyes, his voice. All something painful right now. I could never keep him for long; he always had to leave me. Always. I cried every time he did, angering myself further. I didn't even know if he cared. If he cared like I did.
I began to sob, coming to the conclusion that I wouldn't see him again and should just face it. Just face it, you stupid bitch! Face it! He's gone! Even if he survived, why the hell would he come back for a stupid little girl like you?!
I nodded in agreement with myself. It was true. He didn't care about me. If he did he would have been here already. If he wasn't…No, can't think like that, can we? Nevertheless, I buried my face in my hands and cried. I was stupid for thinking that there was a chance. Stupid for wanting something so much. Stupid for the hope I had with nothing to show it was possible. Stupid little girl!
"Melissa?" I spun around. There he was. Right in front of me, like I had only dreamed would happen only a few days ago. "Melissa, are you alright?" I ran to him, wrapping my arms around him, crying into his chest.
"I thought I lost you." I cried. He caressed my hair, wrapping his other arm around me. .
"I'm here. I'm alright," I looked up at him, seeing the cut on his head moments later. I reached up instinctively and touched it. "It's nothing." He said. I bit my lip.
"What happened?" I didn't want to know. Maybe at some point I did want to know what happened when he was away from me, but lately, lately there was nothing but bad news. Terrible news that made me want to scream at the heavens and ask why.
"Alastair wasn't killing angels, no demon was," He said. "It was Uriel." I shook my head.
"No," I said quietly. "No, Uriel's an angel he can't do something like that to his brothers and sisters!" I exclaimed.
"He's dead." I saw the hurt of the betrayal in his eyes. He looked away from me, tears in the blue eyes I had come to love so much. I touched his cheek, turning him to face me.
"And Dean?" I asked. He scoffed and turned, walking away.
"I knew, I knew when Uriel said what we were going to make him do that something was wrong. Why would God want a human to torture someone, whether it's a demon or not? Why would our Father want Dean to feel that again? To relive that pain and remember those faces again? Because Uriel was a liar!" I chewed my lip. "And Alastair escaped the Devil's Trap and beat Dean. He beat him to the point where he had to be admitted to a hospital. I might as well have let him. I didn't come to his aid until the damage was already done. I let my charge come to serious injury, because I was deceived! If I would have seen sooner…"
"Castiel, it's not your fault." I said. He shook his head.
"You want to know the worst of it?" I said nothing. "He told Dean about the seal," I shut my eyes. "What it's done to him. He feels that he's a monster. An evil person that should be thrown back into perdition for his actions. I confirmed it. I told him at the hospital that he was the only one who could stop Lucifer from rising, and he told me he couldn't do it," He looked up at me, tears in his eyes once more. "I didn't get there fast enough. If I would have fought a little harder to reach him, none of this would have come to pass. Dean would not feel that he has no right to live!" He fell to his knees, his face in his hands. I knelt down in front of him, coaxing his face up to look at mine. "I don't know what to do, Melissa. I don't know what to say to him."
"Do you know someone that might?" I asked.
"Zachariah, possibly," He said, standing. "I'm sorry I yelled." He was detached again. One moment I would crack the surface and then he would close up on me again. Men were tiring, angel or not.
"It's alright," I said quietly. "You were upset. It's okay to be upset."
"Emotions create doubt. I cannot afford to doubt right now." He said. His words hit me harder than if he had slapped me. I turned, fighting the stinging tears in my eyes.
"Is that why you're here then?" I asked bitterly. "To tell me that you have no room for emotions and you can't see me anymore?"
"No," He said. "I came because…I wanted to see you." I turned to face him.
"Castiel, do you love me?" I asked. I had to know.
"Yes." He said plainly. I couldn't tell.
"Not the way you love everyone else," I restated. "Do you really love me? The way I love you."
"Yes." I sighed and turned away again.
"I can't tell if you do or don't!" I spat. "You certainly don't show it. How am I supposed to-" I turned, and he was directly in front of me. "Know." He was looking directly into my eyes, as if he was looking into my soul itself. His hand touched my neck gingerly, cautiously almost, before he pulled me toward him, closing his eyes. His kiss was chaste and gentle, and filled with something I didn't think the angel possessed, passion. I kissed him back, deepening it. He seemed a little taken aback by the actions but he soon caught on. His fingers braided themselves in my hair. My arms wrapped around his neck, wanting him to be as close to me as possible. When we broke apart he looked into my eyes again.
"I love you, more than you'll ever know." He whispered. I caressed his cheek.
"How long can you stay with me?" I asked.
"Until tomorrow morning." He said. My heart sank.
"Only tonight?" I asked. He nodded sadly. "Wake me up before you leave this time." I sat down on the bed. He shrugged off the trench coat and suit jacket before taking me in his arms and laying my head against his chest. This was a first as well.
"You know this is forbidden." I whispered.
"They could take away your grace for this." I said. He looked down at me.
"Let them." He said. He touched my face, my neck, looking at me in a way I had never seen him do before.
"Why are you acting this way all of a sudden?" I asked. I had to ask. He brushed a blonde curl from my face.
"Because I realized that life is short, whether you're an angel or not, and I don't want something to happen to one of us without me telling you how I feel." He whispered.
"For awhile I didn't think you could feel." I admitted.
"Yes, I've been told that many times before." He said. I chuckled lightly. We were silent for awhile. I listened to his heart, nuzzled my face deeper into his chest, wanting to feel his warmth.
"What if they take you away from me?" I said softly. He flexed his jaw.
"Then I will do all in my power to get back to you. I've been to Hell and back, there's nowhere I won't go." He said defiantly.
"Why me?" Why would he want such a stupid girl like me? All my life I was told I was creepy, and weird, and wore too much black, and spoke my mind too much for a girl to do. And now, now I'm being held by and angel, my angel. Why would he want me?
"Why did God make grass to go on a hill? Why is there night and day? Why would an angel fall in love with a human? Because they simply go together. I belong with you, no matter what the rules say."
"And what if your orders are to stay away from me?"
"Then I will break them. There is no possible way for me to stay away from you now. I couldn't if I wanted to. It would hurt too badly." My heart skipped a beat. God, I was glad angels couldn't lie.
We were quiet again for a long time.
"Can…" Castiel hesitated. "Can I, kiss you?" I smiled in spite of myself.
"Yes." It was still gentle, still passionate. He deepened it before I did. I touched his face, tangled my fingers in his hair.
We broke apart too soon, again.
"You should sleep." He said. I shook my head.
"I don't want to." I said. He stroked my cheek with the back of his hand.
"I swear to you I will be here when you awaken," He said. I bit my lip. I still didn't want to sleep. "Please?" He said. Ugh, cheater.
"Alright," I snuggled deeper into his arms, hanging onto his shirt like he would fly away if I let him go. He rubbed my forehead slowly. I felt my eyes get heavier and heavier. "Please don't leave me." I whispered.
"I have to," He said softly. "But God knows I don't want to."
Before anything else was said, I was asleep.
I woke up at dawn. He was looking down at me when my eyes opened.
"Angels don't sleep do they?" I asked.
"Sometimes," He said. "But I didn't last night."
"Because I wanted to make sure I remembered your face." I blushed. He looked out the window, then back to me.
"I must go." He said.
"Even if I tell you it was the nightingale and not the lark you heard?" I asked. I saw the echo of a smile on his lips as he shook his head.
"As much as I admire Shakespeare, no." He stood. My heart fell.
"Promise you'll be back soon." I said. He leaned down and pressed his lips to mine.
"I will always come back to you," He whispered. "Goodbye Melissa." And he was gone. I looked at the space in the bed where he was moments ago, laid down, and cried for my angel.