I turned in the doorway to face Esme. I paused as I contemplated my choices. I could leave her here alone to handle her own problems but I knew that wouldn't be the best idea. Most men are not good with handling their emotions, and I certainly am not excluded from this. I knew I couldn't actually turn my back on her now, not when she needed me the most. I had to put my own weaknesses aside and help her through this.
"Of course I will. As long as you need me, I will be here."
She sighed with relief and laid back down. I laid next to her and held her hand in mine. We laid like this for a few day, changing positions whenever Esme got tired of laying in the same one. On the fourth day of our seclusion in her room, I decided to leave for a few minutes to shower and change my clothes.
"Esme, dear, I am going to freshen up. I'll be back in a few minutes. Maybe you should shower, too."
I returned a few minutes later and found her in the same position as I left her, with a vacant expression on her face. I picked her up in my arms and took her to the bathroom. I turned the water on and put her down, clothes and all. After a few minutes I could see her expression change. Instead of the vacant expression she previously had, it was replaced by one I had never seen before. It was such a pained expression I had never seen it before. It hurt to look at her.
After a minute, she finally spoke, "It's all my fault Zachary is dead. I am the most selfish person I know. If I hadn't been so caught up in my own grief, if I had actually asked Zachary how he was feeling, he might still be alive. But no, I was so selfish I tried to take my own life even though I still had Zachary. He had to endure losing both his daughter and his wife. How could I have put him through that, so soon after Isabella's death?"
"Esme, listen to me. I have never lost a child but I do know it is not your fault. Your carried that child in you for nine months and then had to endure the loss. There are no words to describe how you are feeling right now but you should not feel guilty. Zachary tried his best to hang in but he just wasn't able to. People handle things differently but it is not your fault. Do you understand?"
A dry sob escaped her lips. I wasn't so sure I got my point across but I tried my best. She was shaking so much I stepped in the shower with her and just held her for a while. When it was time to get out, I picked her up again and carried her to her bed. I got some clothes for her and laid them next to her, hoping I wouldn't have to dress her.
She just nodded so I left the room and closed the door, leaving it slightly ajar. She came out after a few minutes and said, "I'm so sorry if I was such a chore or if I scared you. I'm feeling a little bit better. Thank you for staying with me.
"Of course. I will always be here for you."
She gave me a small smile and said, "Thank you."
We went onto the living room where Edward was patiently waiting for us. He had a nervous look on his face.
As Esme and Carlisle entered the living room, I was a bit nervous. I didn't want to say something to upset her so I just go to the point.
"Esme, I wrote you a song. I hope this makes you feel better."
I began playing her song on the piano which I named weeping willow because of the tree she loved so much. Even if it made her happy for one minute, I wanted so badly to make it happen. When I was finished I walked over her and gave her a hug said, "I love you mom. I know you're going through a tough time right now but I know it will get better. I know it may not seem like that but it will. I hoped you liked it."
"Edward, that was so beautiful. I cannot believe you wrote me a song. I am so sorry I have been such an awful mother these past few days. I'm sure I gace you and your father quite a fright. I know I have the both of you to help me through this. I am much better now and you both helped me so much. I am so lucky to have the both of you in my life."
The following evening I was in my bedroom when I heard a knock at the door. I opened it to find a man with a work uniform.
"Yes? Can I help you?," I asked.
"Are you Mrs. Cullen?"
"Yes I am."
"Could you sign here please?"
I signed and followed him outside. There were a few workers waiting for the other man's orders. Once he gave the ok they began unloading bags of soil and fertilizer. Another truck pulled up and began unloading many different kinds of potted plants.
Carlisle joined us and said, "I thought it would be a nice family project to liven up the yard with a garden. I have wood and bricks coming so we can make a path the weeping willow and put a bench under it."
"I cannot believe you did this all for me. You are the best husband. Thank you. I love you so much," I said as I leaned in to give him a kiss.
Edward joined us on the porch at that moment and said, "Ew, can't you both control your thoughts?"
We both looked sheepishly at each other and Carlisle said, "Sorry, son."
Edward decided to help the workers, while Carlisle and I remained on the porch just holding each other.
I felt so safe in his arms. I knew I wasn't completely better and that it would take time to heal. I was glad for this project. It was a welcome distraction and I was so grateful to Carlisle. I felt like this garden could help me start a new beginning.
A saying by Abram L. Urban popped into my head:
In my garden there is a large place for sentiment.
My garden of flowers is also my garden of thoughts and dreams.
The thoughts grow as freely as the flowers, and the dreams are as beautiful.
I wanted to become whole again. To get back to the place where I once was happy. For my thoughts to be filled with dreams and what I wanted for the future. To actually believe that some of the things I wanted were actually possible. I want to be able to feel about. To not be emotionless, or worse yet, numb. I knew it would be a long time before I got to this place, but I was going to make it my goal to try.