A/N: This is a poem I wrote a long, long, long time ago after I read Silver Is For Secrets. Black is For Beginnings is coming out soon. Anyone esle excited?

Disclaimer: I do not own the Blue is For Nightmares series, the plot, or any of the characters, although I woudn't consider it a burden if she decided to give me Jacob. . . The song is Do What You Have To Do by Sarah McLachlan. This Song def. reminds me of what Stacey felt when she lost Jacob.


A glowing ember
burning hot and burning slow,
Deep within I'm shaken by the violence of exisiting for only you.

I know I can't be with you,
I do what I have to do,
I know I can't be with you,
I do what I have to do.

And I have the sense to recognize
that I don't know how to let you go,
I don't know how to let you go,
I don't know hoe to let you go . . .

In a way I want to thank you for showing me something I could have never imagined.

A taste of love; a taste of hope. A taste that still lingers in my mouth now that you have gone.

I flip through the somber pages of your journal, each crinkle of the thin paper slowly driving me insane.

Hear the rolling of the waves- a tear streaking down my cheek- they don't hold the same meaning as they used to. The sand of the beach hurts my feet as I walk along the shoreline.

I want to tell you goodbye-

I want to tell you a lot of things…

But the words get stuck in my throat. Just thinking them makes me want to scream. You couldn't be gone. We were one with each other. Soul mates. A heartbeat.

When you said you loved me, I wanted so desperately to speak those words to you,

To tell you everything I could never tell anyone else: my fear, my longing.

All for you…

I find it hard to do the things I used to. Just breathing has become a chore.

I can't sleep; I always picture your face behind the lids of my eyes. You're smiling at me as though none of this has happened…

As though you are still here…

The ticking of the analog clock beside my bed, the wind howling through the trees, the rain pounding against my window: these things still go on even though you do not.

It wasn't time,

I wasn't ready- to watch you disappear, for the world we made to crumble.

I needed you-

I still need you.

Time passes so slowly and I am so scared I might forget you- your face, your voice, your smile. What if I do? The moments we spent in each other's arms seem to be years away. Was it only yesterday you kissed me? It seems longer, so much longer…

Guys look at me…

Not the way you did, but they smile and look. It just makes the hole in my soul burn and twists my insides. They look and I feel like I am betraying you. You, who has been the very air I breathe. I wish they wouldn't look at me. They don't know how I am hurting. They wouldn't understand.

Sometimes I am so furious with you! I curse you and your secrets. Some days I swear I hate you for leaving me when I need you, but it isn't true. It could never be true.

In a way, I know you are with me. You watch me and I know you want me to go on living because you can't. You want me to be happy. This I know is true-

I feel it.

I feel you.

Deep within me I can feel everything we have become to each other. Lovers; friends. I breathe in the salty air of the sea that had claimed you. You are not beneath those waters, but here with me instead. Kissing my cheek and keeping me warm against the wind.

No. . .

You aren't there