Fandom: Code Geass
Authors: yinake with Savvylovesyaoi
Word Count: ca. 5,000
Dedication: for dearchuu, who request an alternate take on Turn 17.
Summary: Because in the end, when everything else had been stripped away, there was still one thing Lelouch had to give: himself.
Author's Notes: LUL. Was an RP between me and Savvy (just like our other SuzaLulu fic).
A SuzaLulu One-Shot
Suzaku noted with anger that even like this, even on his knees, he still looked calm and composed.
Even when his words were anything but.
"Save Nunnally?" Suzaku seethed, his nails digging into his palms where they left behind crescent moons. "After all you've done, you have the audacity to come to me for help?"
Before Suzaku could think things through, and even before giving Lelouch the chance to react, he had already grabbed him by the collar and dragged him up, their noses mere inches apart. Lelouch's eyes were widened in shock, his fingers uselessly tearing at Suzaku's. An eternity ago, Suzaku had looked into those eyes and felt the warm feelings of affection dribble through him and tie his stomach into a pleasant knot - now, the tangle in his stomach was more akin to bondaged horror, and he could feel his limbs shaking with the suppressed tension. So close, so close, all he had to do was raise his fist and smash it into that altogether too pretty face. Just a little nerve reflex, just a little –
But he wasn't worth it, wasn't worth even that much. With a quick hand movement, he discarded Lelouch on the floor, noting with some satisfaction that his palms crashed against the stones on the ground, sure to leave some bloody scratches, and that his face was contorted with pain, for once devoid of all grace. The tension went up as their eyes met, green rage diving into a pool of violet submission.
It was unlike Lelouch to be so submissive, Suzaku thought - just in the same moment Lelouch thought that it was so much like Suzaku to act on his instincts like this.
"S-Suzaku, I-" He propped himself up on his elbows. He grit his teeth in rising frustration, wanting to scream. But he said nothing after that, only looking at Suzaku with the expression of a man seeing his own house burning to the ground.
No matter how much Lelouch wanted to defend himself or how much he longed to tell Suzaku the truth, he knew that he deserved every bit of this. He had earned the cold glare his best friend was giving him, along with the physical violence - and as the murderer of Euphemia, even if it had been accidental, what right had he to try and justify himself? The burden had been placed upon his shoulders the day he had so tragically underestimated his own powers, and Lelouch was not one to make feeble excuses for himself when he better than anyone knew that his sister's blood would forever stain his hands.
And even if he didn't deserve any of this, even if he could wash his crimson-stained hands clean of the massacre, he doubted that Suzaku would believe him. Once upon a time, he had trusted Suzaku so much that he would have staked everything he possessed on him. But the boy he once knew no longer existed, or perhaps he had only gone hiding in one of the corners inside Suzaku's body, where it lay huddled and crying like Lelouch had seen him do once or twice during that fated summer.
He could see glimpses of him now, but it still seemed that he was just out of Lelouch's reach, cowering just beneath his searching fingers. Drifted too far apart, in more ways than one; what had he left that he could offer him, really? It wasn't in his power to go back in time and erase what he did, or to bring Euphemia back to life. The only thing he had to offer the boy in front of him was –
Lelouch's eyes widened.
When Lelouch's slender fingers started to busy themselves with the buttons of Suzaku's pants, Suzaku's first reaction was to glare at him as if he had lost his mind. His second was after the adrenaline had kicked in - his fingers flew to Lelouch's hands, stopping him in the middle of trying to wrestle the buttons open.
"What are you doing?" he seethed. His eyes were hard as tinted glass, and his voice carried an almost panicked tone. Lelouch's fingers slacked against him and while Suzaku's body relaxed at that, the anger bubbling in his chest wouldn't cool down.
Lelouch's voice was quiet, a breeze in the treetops. "The only thing I have to offer is myself, Suzaku." He raised his eyes to meet Suzaku's. "It is the only thing I can do to convince you of how serious I am. I can't undo things I've done, can't turn back the hands of time." His voice was now barely above a whisper. "This is all."
Suzaku opened his mouth to say something, realized he had nothing to say, and shut it again.
He narrowed his eyes at Lelouch, almost flinching as he met the full weight of Lelouch's gaze. Lelouch, usually so haughty and so high up on his horse he was closer to the sky than to normal humans like himself, looked so...
So vulnerable like this, on his knees, with worry laced with desperation clearly mirrored on his face, his fingers slack against his. As submissive as his body language was, though, determination shone through those eyes. There was no misunderstanding what Lelouch had offered, and Suzaku felt a cold shower burn down his spine as the full realization finally unwrapped itself before his eyes.
The hand he had wrapped around Lelouch's fingers shook. "You think you can drag me on your side by offering yourself to me like a cheap whore? Just who do you take me for?" He gripped harder, seeing Lelouch flinch at the sheer pressure he was providing to the slender bones in his hands. Suzaku leaned down, wrinkling his nose at the familiar scent of Lelouch's cologne. His voice was hard as diamonds when he pressed out, "Get out of my sight. Haven't you done enough?"
It was one of the few times Suzaku had ever heard Lelouch stutter. "I-I never said I could bring her-bring her back. If only I could..." Unstable emotions swirled beneath the solid exterior of his eyes, tumultuous enough for Suzaku to have to muster all his courage for him not to look away.
Without another word or glance, Lelouch wrenched his fingers from Suzaku's grip and raised his hands back to the front of Suzaku's pants, using the momentum he had gained from startling Suzaku with his blatant refusal to unzip them and press his hands against him through the fabric of his boxers. He looked up at his friend from beneath his thick fringe of lashes, portraying sorrow, regret, and pure sacrifice through his eyes. There was something else, there too; something that Suzaku couldn't quite place and was in the midst of a struggle to come up with a right word for when Lelouch's voice cut through the haze that had settled over Suzaku's mind at the sight of his eyes.
"J-Just... just let me do this. Just let me make you feel good." He accentuated the 'good' by softly grinding his hands into Suzaku's crotch, his eyes never leaving the ones above him.
And for one moment, and one moment only, Suzaku didn't know what to do.
Zero on his knees. Zero, the person responsible for killing tens of thousands - and Euphy, he told himself with a grit of his teeth - was willing to effectively sell his pride for a chance at gaining his support. Suzaku knew that Lelouch was going to do this - he was really going to do this, this... unspeakably degrading thing - and inside Suzaku, a war waged.
Part of him, the sane, reasonable part, wanted to just step back, leave Lelouch groveling at his feet and spit on him for good measure. How worthless he was, how pathetic - he had always thought Lelouch a proud man - yes, had admired him for that very reason ever since when they had first met that balmy summer's day at the very place they were standing in now. Here, where their entanglement had started, where their lives had first gotten intertwined like two mismatched strings of yarn in a knitting project that neither of them could object to, and until very recently, hadn't even wanted to.
Suzaku bit his lower lip and continued to glare at Lelouch, who was looking up at him with sincerity shining through his eyes, his shoulders sloped and his legs folded beneath him. Silky black hair fell over part of his eyes that flickered when he batted his eyelashes. Was he waiting for permission? Was he gloating? Did it not matter to him how pathetic he looked, as long as he got what he wanted...?
Undoubtedly, the willingness to go to such lows spoke of either a lack of morals or such an overwhelming desire to see Nunnally safe that he was ready to sacrifice his last bits of dignity.
Whichever it was, though, Suzaku distantly noticed that a thrill shot through him at the sight; a thrill that shot right into his stomach and started to gnaw at his intestines, making his blood sing with the rush of superiority he felt.
Superiority... that's what it was. To have Lelouch like this, vulnerable and his for the taking, his fingers trembling against his crotch - he was nervous, he could see this, perhaps he had never even done such a thing before - and his face more and more taking on a pleading expression as he continued to rub and Suzaku continued to decide what to do and – Suzaku's eyes widened as he felt himself stirring.
Hot shame shot into his cheeks, his thoughts going into overhaul. He couldn't - why did he - did he? Did he like this? But- but he couldn't. What would Euphy think if she knew he let her own brother do this to him? Was her death worth so little it could be atoned for with a sexual service?
And in the end, it was not the way his chest felt as if being ripped in two by the force of the war waging within, and it wasn't the disgust he felt at having desire pooling in his groin, but the thought of Euphemia that made him rip Lelouch's hand from him again and push him away, sending Lelouch sprawling against the stones.
Lelouch landed on his stomach, followed by the sound of the stones on the floor scattering. Though his arms had cushioned the fall, Suzaku could tell it must have hurt. Lelouch's legs moved against the ground in what bizarrely reminded Suzaku of a spider. But then, a spider was a fitting metaphor for him, wasn't it? Like a spider, he had weaved everyone around him into his net, trapped them in his silky promises, only to lie in wait in the center of it all while licking his lips and spawning ever more fantasies in that head of his.
He couldn't allow this to happen.
"Lelouch," he bit out, and he could see Lelouch jerking at the name. He went over to the boy on the floor and seized him by the collar, drawing their faces close again.
Lelouch limbs hung down his body, not even trying to protect himself.
Suzaku brought their faces together until that sea of purple threatened to swallow him. "Who do you take me for? Take Euphy for? Do you think my forgiveness can be bought with... with..." He fumbled for the words. "With this?"
Lelouch whimpered, reaching out to clench his hands in the front of Suzaku's shirt. "I don't- I don't expect you to forgive me. I know I can't ever hope for that much. But.." He bit his lower lip, forcing the words out of his words. "I-I need you." He paused, letting the words along with their double meaning sink in. "I need you to help me, for Nunnally's sake, and-and I..." He drew his eyes to the floor, feeling hot shame scissoring through his chest. "...I'll do whatever... whatever it takes."
Suzaku narrowed his eyes at Lelouch, his fists shaking with the desire to hit him. He wanted to scream and he wanted to hit him and make him beg, but –
Suzaku let go of his collar, leaving him to cough and gasp on the hard floor, and threw him a look so disgusted it would have been more befitting on a school girl looking at an earth worm writhing on the ground after the rain.
But that would make Suzaku no better than him, wouldn't it?
"Leave." His voice whistled through teeth of condemnation.
Feeling Lelouch's hands on him again, Suzaku whirled around, ready to lash out at him again, ready to tell him to get lost once and for all, but –
Before Suzaku even had time to process what was going on, Lelouch had already grabbed Suzaku though his underwear. "W-What - Lelou -." His voice was cut off as he felt Lelouch's hands directly against him, having slipped his hands into his boxers faster than Suzaku had anticipated. A distant part of Suzaku was surprised at the fact that Lelouch had managed to shuffle forward and hug his legs so fast, but an even bigger part of him was stunned at the fact that the boy still hadn't given up, and, as a look into his face confirmed to Suzaku, had no intention of doing so.
Determination smoldered in Lelouch's eyes like purple lava, and though his lips trembled from the force of the withheld tears, there was no doubt that he'd set his mind to it. When Suzaku saw the first tear slip from beneath his eyelashes, glinted off like a crystal from the sun setting somewhere behind the temple, he felt something in his chest move.
He had seen Lelouch cry exactly once in his life. He hadn't thought the boy still capable of such a basic human emotion as honest pain.
He had exactly two options, he knew very well, laid out in front of him like two menus on a table. He could either continue to throw him off until he could no longer get up to try and keep him from leaving, or he could –
Well, he could –
Suzaku hissed sharply as he felt the warmth of Lelouch's lips against him. The adrenaline kicked in, and Suzaku jerked his hips back, his cock sliding out of Lelouch's grip. "What are you -- are you crazy? Stop this, you're male and I - I-"
His eyes widened when he felt Lelouch's lips wrap around himself again, persistent and soft and wet and oh, so good. "And I - nng."
And that was when Suzaku resigned himself to the role of a transfixed observer as he watched himself disappear between Lelouch's lips, shock drawn all across his features. "Oh, God," he breathed out, shaking his head to himself. He could feel his resolve crumbling as he watched his friends close his eyes in what was either sensual bliss or yet another display of his submission, and Suzaku's hands instinctively flew to Lelouch's hair, feeling the bangs slide through his fingers like water.
Inanely, while he was holding Lelouch's head, and felt him move his head faster and swirling his tongue around him, Suzaku reached a point where he honestly didn't know if he should just break into a fit of giggles.
Because honestly, this was just too rich - all of it, it was just so absurd it tickled the border to hilarity. Lelouch was on his knees, sucking cock - and by the looks of his closed eyes and the expression of concentration on his face, enjoying it, too - and Suzaku, who by all means should have been stepping on his head and grind it into the stones instead, was just standing there and allowing it to happen.
He ended up not laughing, but only because he got distracted by what Lelouch was doing to him.
Lelouch's skills were amateurish at best, his tongue a bit too fast, his movements a bit too sloppy; very obviously, Lelouch was a novice at this sort of thing. Soon, however, Suzaku realized that whatever he lacked in skill, he made up ten-fold with sheer enthusiasm.
Suzaku's stomach was a complicated tangle of revulsion, lingering amusement that tickled his spine and sheer horror at the situation.
With a groan, his hands on Lelouch's hair tightened and he ripped his head back, making his cock slide out of Lelouch's mouth with a wet sound. Hands closing around Lelouch's skull tightly, deeply troubled green met hazy purple as their eyes fused together.
A sensual pink stood on Lelouch's cheeks. His lips were swollen already and glistening with saliva. For a moment, time seemed to stand still.
And then, just like that, the match was struck.
Amusement drew back and revulsion spilled forth; Suzaku jerked Lelouch's head forward and buried himself to the hilt in Lelouch's mouth. He didn't know why he did it, not really - the rational part of him had retreated, his system running on something that was less guided by logic than much rather pure... instinct.
He could hear Lelouch gagging and screaming, but he muffled both sounds as he forced his cock down Lelouch's throat. He saw Lelouch's hands flying to his skull, scratching uselessly at his fists and trying to loosen the grip, but –
- but Suzaku wasn't going to let go, he wasn't going to, because in the end, if he kept letting him do it like this, Lelouch would win. Suzaku was riding high on the feeling of Lelouch's mouth now, and he thrust his hips, driving himself in as deeply as he could go, down the wet throat that closed down all around him in reflex. It felt good - of course it did, Lelouch's mouth was hot and wet and giving him more than enough friction - but even better than the feeling of his mouth, even better than the wet velvet of his tongue, even better than the tightness at the back of his throat –
Even better than that was the rush of superiority that shook through Suzaku's body.
Suzaku was focused on Lelouch's face, watching him squirm and grimace and try to accommodate. Lelouch's nails scratched along Suzaku's hips, trying to use them as a buffer, but not succeeding; Suzaku kept thrusting, his face distorted as he took in the sight below him, feelings he had long since thought either dead or buried arising inside him.
Half of Suzaku expected Lelouch to bite down any second now. He'd seen, he'd felt him almost do it; felt that jaw around him tense, as if readying itself to slam his teeth down into his cock. He'd already readied himself for the pain, because, after all, had he really thought he could get away with this? Lelouch was far too proud to let anyone do this to him, wasn't he?
The bite never came, and soon, all resistance died down completely. It was as if an internal switch had been flipped as Lelouch's body realized it would be much easier to not fight it, allowing his entire body to visibly sag. His throat opened up, relaxing around Suzaku and his face took on a more peaceful expression, except that he was –
The moment Suzaku saw the tears pearling on Lelouch's cheeks was the time the first pangs of regret scissored through him. His heart was bound in a painful fist, and he almost wanted to reach down and wipe the tears away that had started to gather in his eyelashes and drip down over the curve of Lelouch's pale cheeks. Crying, Lelouch was crying, and Suzaku had never - well, he had meant for Lelouch to cry, but –
He hadn't known it would still be painful to see it.
Suzaku was only half-aware of the fact that his grip around Lelouch's skull had loosened and that he had reached down to cup his cheeks with the other hand. Lelouch looked up in surprise, eyes impossibly wide as Suzaku caressed the cheek and gathered some of the wetness on his thumb. It looked like Lelouch wanted to say something, but considering that Suzaku was still very much down his throat, all he managed was a little strangled sob.
It had gone on long enough.
Suzaku's fingers curled around Lelouch's chin, using his thumb to draw small circles on his cheek as he focused on reaching climax. It wasn't difficult - it felt good, hot and wet, and Lelouch had been sucking him off long enough for an impending orgasm to sit curled in his loins. He thrust into Lelouch's mouth again, once, twice (oh, so good, wet and oh, tongue) and just as he felt he was beginning to come, as he reached the point of no return, he released his grip on Lelouch's skull, and the boy fell back with a wet gasp for air.
Lelouch's cheeks were as red as Suzaku had ever seen them, his eyes watery, his bangs messy and sticking to his face - but Suzaku was only half aware of this as his orgasm crashed down upon him, his world spiraling down to the pin of pleasure. While he moaned and the feeling shook through him, Suzaku watched himself spill on Lelouch's face.
Some of the white fluid got caught in Lelouch's hair, getting caught there like droplets of a silvery spider web. Most of it, though, landed on Lelouch's nose, cheeks, lips and chin, where it continued to drop down to his jaw and then down over his neck. Suzaku panted heavily and watched Lelouch raise one hand to his face.
Rather than annoyed, Lelouch seemed more shocked at the turn of events.
And once Suzaku's orgasm had subsided completely, so was he.
Suzaku chewed on his lower lip, conflict openly warring on his face. He regarded Lelouch while buttoning up his pants and ran a hand through his curls, before dropping it to his side and shifting his weight from one foot to the other.
Lelouch, quite simply, looked like a mess. White fluid was netted in his hair and had dried all over his face. A color that would have been adorable and sweet and pink on another day now managed to only look an angry red that lay sprawled all across his cheeks - or what was visible of them through the rivers of tears that were streaming down his face. Worst of all, Suzaku hadn't even really intended to do this to him; he had - well, he had run on pure instinct an realized that he hadn't ever consciously played with the idea of subjecting Lelouch to such humiliation.
"I-I'm... I'm sorry." Suzaku shook his head to himself and drew his eyes to the floor. "I didn't mean to... all over your face, I - " He bit his lower lip again, frowning at the floor. "I mean, I guess a part of me wanted to do that, but..." He raised his eyes and met Lelouch's eyes. Something in his stomach stirred at the sight of pain screaming through his eyes. Suzaku sighed. "It wasn't... very nice of me."
Silence hung itself like a curtain over the scene, muffling even their breathing and the cries of the cicadas. The smell of summer hung in the air, and the memories that summer always brought with it were clinging to it.
Suzaku's eyes latched onto the temple looming in the background and sunk into the recesses of his own mind.
Lelouch, he had - he had really done this, no matter how humiliating it must have been. He had accepted it even when Suzaku had been less than gentle with him, had allowed him to use him like a cheap whore Suzaku knew Lelouch most certainly wasn't and never had been. Suzaku grit his teeth together, but this time, whether it was out of anger at Lelouch or at himself, he couldn't quite tell.
His eyes slid back over to Lelouch, who by now had gotten to his feet and who was studying the floor with his cheeks still a burning shade of red, shifting awkwardly and trying to dry the mess on his face with the sleeves of his uniform. The pained expression along with the tears had evaporated; instead, his usual mask of apathy had rushed in to replace it, and Lelouch was studying the floor with the same kind of interest one would watch trees swish by out of a train's window. But the way he had had his arms wrapped around himself like a child trying to comfort himself during a stormy night gave away the conflict and humiliation he had to be feeling.
Suzaku felt like he couldn't breathe anymore.
When Suzaku held it out to him, it took Lelouch a while to notice that Suzaku had offered something to him. Upon noticing his hand, he raised his head; surprise, then a questioning expression and finally the first forebodings of gratitude played across his features when he realized that it had been a tissue that Suzaku had retrieved from his pocket. Suzaku didn't speak a word as Lelouch accepted the tissue with a nod of his head and began to clean his face and neck. It was only when Lelouch was as clean as he was likely going to get (he still had bits in his hair, but he'd need a shower to get rid of that, Suzaku suspected) that Suzaku finally broke the silence.
"Don't think this means I forgive you." He wasn't looking at Lelouch directly as he said it, but his voice carried the contempt. "Your actions are still unforgivable, and I still think it's audacious of you to come to ask me of all people for help." He leveled his eyes on Lelouch's. "Just to make this perfectly clear, I will never forget what you did. The wedge between us has been firmly planted into the ground and can't be torn down."
He watched Lelouch nod, defeat on his face.
"However." Suzaku's cheeks suddenly felt hot. "However, this doesn't mean that I can... that I can ignore your intentions this time. As rotten as your action may be, this time, your intentions to save Nunnally are pure." He paused and lent an air of confidence to his voice when he went on, "For this reason, there is only one option left for you. Make Euphy's death count. Make all the sacrifices count. Shirley's. Euphy's. All the nameless victims of needless bloodshed, all the faceless pawns that you used." His eyes met Lelouch's. "Change the world for the better. Make it count."
Lelouch's eyes were wide as he absorbed what Suzaku was telling him.
The silence that descended upon them was thick and heavy, punctuated only by their combined breathing. Suzaku thought that he had never really noticed before how loud breathing could sound in an empty space like here.
Suzaku's body was tense, waiting for Lelouch to react. Although he had schooled his face into a mask of palpable apathy, from the way something behind his eyes moved as they looked at each other, Suzaku could tell that he was conflicted.
The verbal reply Suzaku was waiting for never came. The hand that Lelouch stretched out, though, was answer enough.
Suzaku's stomach tightened as he looked at Lelouch's hand, at the spread fingers that were reaching toward him.
Suzaku extended his own hand almost automatically. Closer and closer until their symbolic joining, until they would be together again like they had been eight years ago, back when it had still been all about them against the world and their idea of an argument had been about Lelouch's eccentric choice of swimming trunks. Perhaps it was fate that had played it out like this, Suzaku thought. Perhaps it had all been a bored god's idea of Saturday night entertainment to have them become so intertwined and then watch them struggle uselessly against their bond. And maybe, just maybe, Suzaku had never really had a choice from the very beginning.
Fated to be with Lelouch, yet pitted against him. A continuous push and pull, an endless struggle that would ultimately prove futile, because no matter what, they were two mismatched threads of yarn that had been woven together, and that was who they were. And no being could go against its own very nature.
When the gunshot rang through the idea and drilled itself into the ground between their hands, all Suzaku thought was that fate's ways were curious indeed sometimes.