Thirteen years ago
I woke up to the sound of somebody stumbling in the front door. At first I got kind of scared that someone was breaking in, but then I remembered that Matt had gone out partying to celebrate Shane's twenty first birthday with him. I sat up and rubbed my eyes, almost laughing as I heard Matt yelling drunkenly about stubbing his toe. My poor older brother was not going to make it into bed without some serious help, which I was planning to provide for him.
"Matt?" I said as I came out of my bedroom and went into the living room. "You okay?"
Matt almost fell on his ass as he tried to walk towards me. "Jeff," he slurred out. "The room's spinning Jeff. I'd like it to stop now."
I quickly caught him before he fell down to the ground. "Jesus Matt," I muttered as I started helping him towards his bedroom. "You had way too fucking much to drink."
"Did not," he said childishly. He was dragging his feet across the floor, making it really hard for me to get him in his room. "You drank too much."
"I've never even had a beer Matt," I told him. I opened his bedroom door and tried to drag him in there. "Can you please move your feet and help me out a little here?" I begged. "You're acting like you're dead weight or something."
Matt still wouldn't move his feet though. He just started staring at me with the strangest look on his face. "I feel funny Jeff," he said quietly.
I groaned and immediately started trying turn him around to lead him to the bathroom. "Well hold on a second," I ordered. "Don't barf on me, okay?"
"No, not that," he said as he shook his head.
"Well what's wrong then?"
He just kept looking at me like he had never seen me before in his life. I was actually starting to get really creeped out by the way he was acting. Just as I was thinking that I should never let him drink again, he did something I never expected him to do in a million years: he kissed me. And I'm not talking about a brotherly peck either. This was a full fledged, passionate (although kind of sloppy because he was drunk out of his mind) and tongue filled kiss.
"Matt what the hell are you doing?" I asked as I pushed him away. Actually I yelled that question at him, but I could get away with it because Dad was spending the night at his new girlfriend's house. "You can't--"
I never got a chance to finish my sentence. Matt grabbed me and started kissing me again. I tried to push him away from me, but he was stronger than I was. And as his lips moved from my lips to my neck, I felt my resistance slipping away from me. That just added to my confusion. Why was I letting him do this to me? Why was I letting my own brother lay me down on his bed and put his hands all over me? And why the hell was I liking it so damn much?
Matt quickly discarded our shirts and his jeans, leaving us both only in our boxers. I looked into his brown eyes and I had a feeling that there was a chance that he wasn't going to remember any of this tomorrow. But at the moment, that didn't really matter. What mattered was the fact that I could feel his arousal pressing up against me as he started looking for something in one of the drawers of his nightstand table and it made me groan out loud. "Matty…"
"Fuck it," he growled before he started kissing me again. I kissed him back, trying to defend my actions to myself by thinking that I really had no other choice. His kisses were too demanding to ignore. And to be honest, they kind of were. But deep down, I was enjoying what was happening to me. I didn't know why, because it was my BROTHER of all people that was doing this to me, but that didn't change the fact that now I was so hard that I could barely stand it.
I shivered as our boxers came off. I knew what direction this was going now, and my heart was pounding so hard in my chest that I couldn't breathe right. Matt put his fingers by my mouth and I sucked on them eagerly. He let me do that for about thirty seconds before taking his fingers back and using them to probe my entrance. I hissed and groaned as he started to stretch me. I had never done anything like this before in my life, and I was really hoping that he would be gentle with me. "Matt be careful," I whispered as he added a third finger.
Matt grinned at me as he continued to stretch me. "It's okay little brother," he assured me. "I'll take care of you." He took his fingers out of me, spit on his hand and then rubbed his dick, which was the best he could do because it didn't seem like he had any other kind of lube.
I relaxed my body as best I could as he entered me, but it still fucking hurt like hell. "Matt stop for a second," I begged quickly. I dug my nails into his back to indicate that I wasn't playing around with him. I really needed him to stop for a second.
He stopped, although the kisses he began placing on my neck and collar bone told me that he wasn't the same patient older brother he normally was when he was sober. I had to take a minute though to adjust to his size, or I knew damn well the experience was not going to be a pleasant one for me. "Okay," I finally said. "You can move."
He grunted at me and began thrusting into me, pinning my wrists down to the bed and roughly kissing me. It wasn't exactly the way I had imagined my first sexual experience gong down (and it definitely wasn't with someone who I thought it was going to be with) but I didn't exactly care. I needed Matt so badly that all thoughts of it being wrong were driven out of my head. "Matt…touch me," I begged.
His hand grabbed my forgotten dick and he stroked it as hard as he could, making me whimper underneath him. I moaned as I came all over his stomach, once again thankful that Dad was out of the house. Matt came just a second later, and he collapsed on top of me, finally passed out from both his drunkness and exhaustion. I let him lay on me for awhile before I pushed him off of me and slowly got up to my feet. My back and my ass hurt, but I managed to limp into the bathroom and wet a rag with warm water before going back to Matt's room. I cleaned both myself and Matt up and then I went back to my own room. I laid down on my bed and stared up at the ceiling, the events from just a few moments ago replaying themselves over and over again in my head…
I sighed as I woke up in a state of sexual frustration. I had dreamt about my one night with Matt again. It was amazing how one night when I was just eighteen years old could change me forever. Matt had woken up the next morning with no memory of what had happened between us. He hadn't even remembered how he had gotten home. I had kept my mouth shut, terrified of what he would do if he found out. I was supposed to be his little brother, nothing more, nothing less.
For thirteen years, I had kept the secret buried deep inside of me. For the first few years, I even tried to deny to myself that it had even happened. But my heart knew better, and it made me obsess about it every chance I got. I dreamt about it every night and it affected every romantic relationship I had tried to maintain since then. No other man could touch me like Matt; nobody could make me feel the way Matt did, nobody could fuck me like he did…
But because of the way I had buried my feelings for years, Matt was free from the burden of our one night together. He was now set to get married to Evan Bourne, and I was so jealous that I could barely stand it. I had liked Evan once, but that was before he started dating Matt. Now I hated the sight of him. But what I hated even more was the fact that I knew Matt truly loved him back. I had never seen him so happy, and it absolutely killed me because I wasn't the one he was happy with. He would never be mine, because even if he did know what we had done all those years ago, I doubted that he would ever let himself be with me. It would be "wrong" for us to be together because we were brothers. God I hated thinking that, but I knew that would be what he would say if I ever came clean to him about how I felt.
I punched my bed as hard as I could. To make everything worse, Matt was basically expecting me to be his best man at the wedding. He hadn't even asked me if I wanted to; he just automatically assumed I would do it. Now I had to find a way to get out of doing it, because I would break down if I had to be at the fucking wedding. I would break down completely and probably strangle Evan while I was at it. And that would be bad. That would get me arrested and sent to jail and I would probably be made into someone's bitch.
On the bright side, I would escape the whole Matt situation…oh God, what was I saying? I needed help. I needed serious, psychological help. Maybe I would just go to Mark for help. He was good at helping people. I could ask him to help me not strangle Evan for being with my brother. He's always liked me, so there was no reason he wouldn't. I just hope he's in a helpful mood today, I thought as I got out of bed. Or I'm so screwed.