50 Reasons Remus Lupin/Nymphadora Tonks Are Cooler Than Edward Cullen/Isabella Swan
1. L/T died heroic deaths trying to better the world.
2. B/E become gaping black holes of misery when kept apart. L/T are just depressed, not lifeless.
3. Edward's probably gay. Not hatin', but seriously, relationships work out best when both people are attracted to each other, and spending three books trying to get your girlfriend to touch, kiss, and/or have sex with you as little as possible doesn't exactly scream 'hetero'.
4. Bella is useless without Edward. Tonks could totally kick her ass.
5. 'Remus' is a cooler name than 'Edward'.
6. 'Nymphadora' is a more embarrassing name than 'Isabella'.
7. 'Tonks' is a better nickname than 'Bella'.
8. The name 'Teddy' is 500,000,000,000,000 cooler than the name 'Renesmee'.
9. E/B can't have multicolored werewolf babies.
10. Edward's taste in music sucks (seriously, hating on Elvis and the 60's are only "bearable"?). Tonks' taste rocks. Can YOU dance like a hippogriff?
11. Lupin actually suffers from his condition. He can't get a job, people avoid him, and he has to deal with intense pain every month. Edward occasionally has bloodlust issues when he doesn't eat often enough. Seriously, he's a glorified diabetic.
12. When Lupin gets mad, he knocks over a chair. When Edward gets made, he breaks a TV. Anger management, seriously, look into it.
13. If Edward every met a dementor, he would lose. That non-existent soul is gone. If Lupin ever met the Volturri, he'd shoot bubblegum up their noses or Disarm them of their teeth or something else that is totally freaking awesome.
14. R/T can fly. So much cooler than running.
15. Bella has brown hair, which she doesn't care about (OH, but it looks RED in the SUNLIGHT, BESTILL MY HEART!). Tonks has brown hair, which she turns pink and purple and old-lady curled and et cetera.
16. Bella loses interest in books, music, shopping, movies, friends, and grades once Edward comes on the scene. Tonks is funny and cheerful, she listens to punk rock, and works two of the most difficult jobs in the (Wizarding) world. Getting the guy comes second to saving the world.
17. Did I mention L/T can do magic?
18. Tonks has the courage to yell at Mad-Eye Freaking Moody the very first time we meet her. Bella can barely talk to Rosalie for the first three books.
19. Tonks trips over amusing things, like troll's legs, and all her little mishaps make her look cute. Bella trips over her own feet, and her little mishaps nearly get her killed by her future brother-in-law.
20. Lupin gets a cool nickname.
21. Lupin has (had) actual friends, who are also awesome. Edward and his pals Big Jock Emmett and Emo Boy Jasper start to look pretty dorky once the Marauder's Map hits the scene.
22. The first joke Tonks makes is "Who d'you know who's lost a buttock?" The first joke Bella makes is "My mother's part albino." Bella, your mother is part lame-o.
23. Edward, despite being 70 years older than Lupin, is about half as mature. He's whiny, bitchy, self-absorbed, jealous, and he totally holds a grudge.
24. When Edward leaves Bella, he mopes around in Brazil. When Lupin leaves Tonks, he tries to keep his best friend's son from dying. And did I mention said best friend's son is HARRY POTTER?
25. Edward is waaaaaaaaaay too intense. It's creepy. Even in the third book, when Lupin's job is basically to keep kids from being horribly wounded by Dark Creatures, he's laid back and fun about it.
26. Godlike bodies are overrated.
27. Woman who consider their husbands/boyfriends to be gods set an extremely bad precedence. Like, abuse-bad.
28. L/T: Spent honeymoon battling Death Eaters, conceiving child, being discriminated against by just about everyone in the world. E/B: Spent honeymoon getting pregnant on a private island, gossiped about by servants whose gossip needs to be translated for Bella.
29. The achingly sweet image of Lupin being so unlucky that the birth of his son renders him "dazed by his own happiness" refuses to leave my brain. Seriously, three and a half years later.
30. Edward still lives with his mother… sort of.
31. Edward and Bella can never fall asleep in each other's arms.
32. Bella is only eighteen. Ten bucks says she wants a divorce within a year.
33. The name 'Teddy' is 500,000,000,000,000 cooler than the name 'Renesmee'. (Yeah, it's that bad.)
34. E/B can never feel their hearts beat as one.
35. Tonks has healthy external relationships (Molly Weasley ftw!) whom she can rely on in times of need. Bella keeps all of her past friends/family out of her relationship, and only really talks to Alice… whose solution is less "Here, have some tea and sympathy, come to dinner and talk to him about it if you want?" and more "Don't worry, I totally know all about Edward now let me plan this huge elaborate wedding that you really don't want because I'm awesome."
36. Lupin didn't have to read his child's mind to love it.
37. Tonks doesn't get all bitchy about someone giving her kid a nickname, instead of insisting on the dignified and totally not-stupid Theodore.
38. L/T's son grows up to be a normal guy who falls in love with a girl his age. E/B let their daughter marry a guy who was in love with her mother. Seriously, this crap is messed up.
39. Even Severus Snape, who hates Lupin, respects him enough to save his life and help him out when he needs it. Although the Volturri try to talk Edward out of getting himself killed, no one actually cares enough to do anything about it.
40. England is more romantic than Washington state. No offense, Washington, but between Pride & Prejudice and Wuthering Heights, I think even Stephenie Meyer would agree that England's got you beat in the romance department.
41. Lupin was a professor. I'm hot for teacher, I got it bad…
42. No one tries to get Edward and Bella back together until there is the threat of IMMINENT DEATH, but when Lupin leaves Tonks, she's got a veritable army fighting for her.
43. E/B are goody two-shoes, but L/T knew how to have fun at school.
44. Two words: Pig snout.
45. Wizard battles are cooler than vampire battles. They require a leetle more than wrestling skills and inherent speed.
46. Lupin brought baby pictures to a battle. How adorably dorky is that?
47. L/T managed to name their kid to honor somebody without sticking him with a name like Sirited Alasdumble Lupin. If you think a boy named Sue would have issues, wait until little Mix 'n Match Cullen grows up.
48. L/T have saved the life of the boy who saved the lives of everyone in the entire world, even E/B because Voldemort would totally come over and kill them all off because Voldy don't dig sparkles.
49. The name 'Cullen' means 'handsome' coughshallowcough. Lupin means wolf. That's right. Remus and Dora's names might as well be Mr. and Mrs. Badass, they're so wolfy and awesome.
50. The name 'Teddy' is 500,000,000,000,000 cooler than the name 'Renesmee'. (Yeah, it's that bad.)
51. Bella is so picky about ages. Despite contradictory opinions, nineteen is not the end of the world.
52. Edward is a hundred-year old virgin. All right, Lupin might not have had the most active love life for the past few years, but he was the third most popular guy at Hogwarts in his day, and I'm betting he probably got some broom-closet action.
53. The line Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business is just awesome. Seventeen years later, his teenage self manages to be funny and cool.
54. When Tonks threatens people, they get the message. (See: Stan Shunpike). Has Mike stopped stalking Bella yet, despite her many slight hints that she wants him gone?
55. Edward has never forced a bully (or a boggart-bully) to dress in drag which is just epic.
56. L/T rely on skill, which implies they have some. Besides the piano, what skills do E/B have that any other vampire couldn't have? (Note: Please remember that vampire skills evolve from human traits, therefore another human who is sensitive to other people's emotions could conceivably get the power to read minds without struggling at all).
57. L/T have to face severe disapproval from her family because their marriage makes them social outcasts, not just some mild fatherly prejudice based on Edward's own jackass behavior.
58. Have you ever tried having sex when you're living with six other people and your daughter, all with super-sensitive hearing? Awkward…
59. L/T are constantly in danger, and thus have reasons to be constantly worried. (See: Fenrir Greyback, Bellatrix Lestrange). Edward's paranoid, and Bella's accident-prone.
60. Edward dresses in designer labels, and Lupin has patched robes. Spread the wealth around. : (
61. Bella's favorite thing is to compare her boyfriend to marble. Dead, cold, unloving marble…
62. Edward is a total hypocrite. He spends all this time whining about Bella's soul and his lack thereof, and yet begs her to get an abortion. He worries that having sex before marriage will damn her to hell or whatever, and yet is unwilling to face the consequences of having sex.
63. Edward was ready and willing to abort his baby, despite the fact that he mentioned he was sad that Bella could never have children as a vampire. From the beginning, Lupin was concerned with the kind of life he could provide for his child.
64. Edward has to flat-out bribe Dartmouth to accept Bella. So she's dumb, and he's a criminal. A criminal classist, in fact, who ignores the fact that people who get into Dartmouth are ACTUALLY SMART and might ACTUALLY NEED financial aid and won't DROP OUT when they become vampires in the first semester.
65. Lupin is always calm, cool, and collected. He figures out the whole betrayal-switch thing the moment he sees the Map, and his reaction to seeing Peter come back from the dead is "Hello Peter, long time no see." Edward's reaction to Bella's reappearance is "Woah, you're totally like Juliet, am I in heaven after all, despite the fact that I don't think I have a soul and I just committed suicide and I should probably be in hell and you're so totally awesome so you could never be in hell?"
66. Lupin was the most popular professor. Everyone loved him. According to the students of Forks, Edward's just weird. That's really the only negative thing about his condition-people whom he doesn't care about don't like him.
67. The Cullens are locked in their own little vamp-world. L/T are socially conscious, and consider the effect their actions have on society as a whole.
68. L/T are trying to save the world, knowing full well what the consequences may be and knowing that, for OotP at least, the world is against them. E/B are trying to save themselves.
69. Lupin carries chocolate everywhere. Edward doesn't even like pizza.
70. Lupin can read people (Harry, Fred/George) without actually having to read their minds.
71. Tonks, as an Auror, has probably battled vampires. The Cullens would have no idea what they're getting themselves into.
72. Who needs a tank-proof car when you can Apparate?
73. Final "battle" in Breaking Dawn: Vampires/Werewolves vs. Vampires. Final battle in Deathly Hallows: Wizards/House Elves/Centaurs/Giant/Werewolf vs. Wizards/Giants/Werewolf, and apparently everyone vs. Giant Spiders who just invade the palace for fun, 'cause really, why not?
74. Bella is constantly hiding behind someone for protection. Tonks actually steps to the forefront of the battle in order to protect the ones she loves.
75. E/B reason for elopement: Sex and vampirism. L/T reason for elopement: We might die in the next year (and oh yeah, WE DO).
76. E/B compare themselves to Romeo and Juliet, who met, "fell in love," and got married within forty-eight hours. What does that say about their relationship? Hint: Shakespeare wrote Romeo and Juliet as a comedy. There's a reason everyone in that play is such an idiot.
77. The amount of looooove and devoooootion and adoraaaaation that E/B share is nauseating. Please remember that they are teenagers. If Edward is frozen forever in time, he still has some teenage emotions and feelings. We call this puppy love, and it hardly ever lasts.
78. If Edward isn't even human enough to poop out his pizza, how can he impregnate someone?
79. Edward is constantly trying to force his beliefs, opinions, and driving habits on Bella, as well as being a masochistic idiot and leaving her for her own good. Lupin is a masochistic idiot, but at least he doesn't tell Tonks that pink is not a sensible hair color.
80. Remus was the name of the son of Mars/founder of Rome. So if anyone has the right to be called godlike, it's Lupin.
81. Edward watches Bella when she sleeps even though she doesn't like him for the first few months of Twilight. Admit it: you may call it romantic, but if some guy was watching you from outside your window, you would call the police. Immediately.
82. When he was younger, Lupin could have died from a werewolf bite. When he was younger, Edward could have died from influenza. Monster attack versus a fever… hm…
83. Despite Edward's many claims that it could happen, Edward has never actually hurt someone unintentionally, unless you count a few sex bruises. Lupin has had several "near misses," and almost killed Snape. It's not paranoia if you really are out to get them.
84. Bella is constantly slow to react. When the Ministry falls, L/T are totally on top of things.
85. Lupin goes into a nest of enemy werewolves in order to spy on them and bring them over to the good side. Edward goes into a nest of enemy vampires in order to commit a huge, elaborate suicide thing that fails because he's too overly dramatic to walk into the sun four seconds earlier.
86. Bella is first attracted to Edward physically. Lupin is never described as particularly handsome, so we'll choose door number two: personality. Which one is better to base a relationship on?
87. When Bella first meets Edward, she can barely talk to him. Judging by her easy criticism in OotP (Don't fcking call me Nymphadora), Tonks is clearly unfazed.
88. Bella-if you are so madly in love with Edward, why are you making out with your best friend right after getting engaged? There's a difference between being in love with two people, and acting on your love for two people. One makes you human, the other makes you a douche.
89. Lupin has a way of making people feel comfortable. Edward claims he doesn't know that he's dazzling people, even though he exploits that against the waitress hostess, Mrs. Cope, and… everyone else.
90. L/T fight as one, back-to-back, trusting each other implicitly. Edward and Bella… don't.
91. Hogwarts is so many hundreds of times cooler than Forks High.
92. Tonks is confident, while Bella constantly second-guesses herself.
93. Lupin never loses his cool in a crisis; even after his best friend dies, he focuses on surviving. When Edward, Emmett, Alice and Bella were running with the Jeep, Edward EXPLODED.
94. Edward patronizes every non-vampire he meets. Lupin respects everyone-such as his students-as equals.
95. Edward flat-out hated Bella when he first met her, if you count Midnight Sun as canon.
96. Tonks' parents care about her deeply, and do their part to help the Order win the war. Charlie and Renee don't even bother to question why their daughter wants to run off and get married at eighteen.
97. Lupin has had awful circumstances forced upon him. All of Edward's misery is caused by himself.
98. Lupin changes and adjusts to things in life; losing all his friends, gaining them back, new jobs, losing people, etc etc etc. Besides technology, do we have even a little shred of evidence that Edward has changed at all since the early twentieth century?
99. L/T care so deeply about other people's freedoms that they end up sacrificing their lives in a war that didn't have any direct effect on them, seeing as neither of them was Muggleborn.
100. If you were to count every page on which Remus Lupin or Nymphadora Tonks were mentioned, there would not be enough material to write an entire book about them. If you were to count every page on which Edward Cullen or Isabella Swan were mentioned, you would have enough material to write four books. And yet, in that less-than-a-book of Remus and Tonks', there are one hundred reasons they are a better couple than Edward and Bella. So give your props to the multicolored werewolf couple-Albus Dumbledore always said there should be a little more love in the world.
A/N: Hi guys! So, here it is, the revised and updated version of The List. I've been overwhelmed by the number of good reviews, but people keep mentioning a few things that I wanted to fix. Sorry, Washington natives, I didn't mean to hate on your state! And for the 5 millionth time, I KNOW that Teddy was named after his grandfather.
Originally, this fic was only 50 reasons long, until someone claimed that I only used the "Teddy blah blah blah Renesmee" fact three times because I couldn't come up with a full fifty. I thought it was funny, apparently some people disagree. So I came up with fifty more. If anyone wants to take the challenge and come up with a corresponding list with why E/B is better, please PM me and let me know!