Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. Also, this idea belongs to Theresa Green.
Author's note: Contest for The Muse Bunny. Also, yeah, I wrote another Twilight fic, but hopefully you'll notice the not-so-subtle mocking of Edward Cullen. Enjoy. Oh, and it's set PRE Breaking Dawn.
EDWARD CULLEN: Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
Congratulations! You have successfully purchased your very own fully automated EDWARD CULLEN unit! With it, you will become instantly popular among all of your friends as they ogle over his hot body. To insure proper use of this dazzling vampire, please follow all of the following instructions:
Name: Edward Cullen (a.k.a Edward Anthony Masen Cullen)
Date of Manufacture: The Twentieth of June 1901
Place of Manufacture: Chicago, Illinois
Age: Physically, seventeen
Weight: Thin, yet muscular
Your EDWARD CULLEN unit comes with the following accessories:
A Grand Piano (Don't worry about carrying it; Edward will do all of the hard work for you)
A Shiny, silver Volvo (He needs this to relieve tension since he can't find a release anywhere else)
A Cell phone (To check on the BELLA SWAN unit every five to ten minutes)
Unpacking Your Unit:
We at Cullens anonymous know that you are super excited to play with your brand new EDWARD CULLEN unit immediately, but be gentle as you take him out of the box. He may be a vampire with super strength, but he is unfamiliar with a girl's touch. If you notice that he is glaring at you, don't fret; we aren't sure if smiling is even possible for him at this time.
The EDWARD CULLEN unit has a variety of different functions he is willing to perform from time to time. He is capable of doing the following:
Possessive Boyfriend: This unit is a master at getting girls less than half his age, and he is not afraid to manipulate them into falling for him using his vampire good looks and scent. Using these charms, he frequently dazzles Bella into doing his bidding regardless of her opinions on the subject.
Pianist: The EDWARD CULLEN unit is an accomplished pianist due to all the decades he has gone without a girlfriend. He plays music to lull the BELLA SWAN unit into sleep so that he can "watch" her sleep without interruptions.
Doctor: After having gone through medical school, this unit is a decent doctor. Well, as long as you don't let him near anything with blood or the flu as he will most likely react poorly. But hey, he can fix your chicken pox without problems!
Mind Reader: The EDWARD CULLEN unit has the amazing ability to read minds! No longer do you have to find out other people's thoughts the old fashioned way; now, with this unit, everyone's mind is fully open for your to explore. Make sure not to tell anyone of this invasion; they can't know he's a vampire just yet.
Racecar Driver: The EDWARD CULLEN unit is fully capable at driving at ridiculous speeds on narrow roads. Although his girlfriend's father is a cop, this does not prevent him from endangering lives to get his speed fix. He can also be used to outrun any police officers as your getaway car driver if need be.
DISCOBALL: The EDWARD CULLEN unit is the perfect accessory for your party. Simply allow the sunlight to his him, and you have yourself an extremely attractive disco ball.
Your EDWARD CULLEN unit will come with these different modes:
Sexually Repressed (passive default)
The glare that the unit is giving you is his trademark. The EDWARD CULLEN unit is always angry about something whether it's The BELLA SWAN unit's safety or anything related to JACOB BLACK. He is most likely angry due to his sexual repression, which he suffers from constantly. The EDWARD CULLEN unit still maintains his virginity and has trouble dealing with this fact frequently, especially around the BELLA SWAN unit.
The Oppressive setting automatically activates whenever the BELLA SWAN unit is within one hundred miles. He needs to be in charge of every aspect of her life. If you deny him this, anger will automatically switch back on.
Dazzling activates occasionally when the BELLA SWAN unit is winning an argument, and he wishes to shut her up quickly. Beware that he does not do this to you; results can be devastating.
Self-deprecating activates anytime he sees the BELLA SWAN unit. During this setting, he thinks of how he is truly a monster, and that he doesn't deserve the BELLA SWAN unit in his life. Just let him sulk in a corner until he's finished.
Relations With Other Units:
BELLA SWAN: This is the unit's love interest. They must be together every second of every day or else one of them will commit suicide, resulting in the death of the other as well. The EDWARD CULLEN unit must know where the BELLA SWAN unit is at all times or else he will assume she's been taken by the JACOB BLACK unit and cause a BELLA SWAN unit is not known for her gracefulness, so your unit will follow her around to protect her whenever possible, like a stalker, but without the harsh labels.
JACOB BLACK: This is the EDWARD CULLEN unit's main competition in the BELLA SWAN department. They will attack each other if given the opportunity due to the fact that the BELLA SWAN unit is incapable of making a decision. Neither of them wishes to be civil.
ALICE CULLEN: The EDWARD CULLEN unit's sister will frequently annoy the unit because he is often unwilling to accept his future. He secretly loves playing dress up with her though.
EMMETT CULLEN: This unit is in charge of any and all sex jokes at the EDWARD CULLEN unit's expense, especially regarding his everlasting virginity. Although the jokes are true, the EDWARD CULLEN will most likely rip of one of the EMMETT CULLEN unit's arms to shut him up.
CARLISE AND EMSE CULLEN: These are the EDWARD CULLEN unit's parents. This is where he first got the idea to mate a much younger female. *See possessive boyfriend
HUMANS: Humans excite the EDWARD CULLEN unit a little too much. He would like nothing more than to drain the ever-amusing MIKE NEWTON unit, but the BELLA SWAN unit would not appreciate the thought.
You may notice that the EDWARD CULLEN unit has an alluring scent about him. No, it is not cologne you can buy in a store; you'll have to become a vampire to gain it. The EDWARD CULLEN unit is fully capable of washing himself. Just direct him to your bathroom and provide the necessary toiletries.
The EDWARD CULLEN unit needs blood to replenish his system. Simply allow him to kill and drain animals to his heart's content.
Frequently Asked Questions and Troubleshooting
Q: Why won't the EDWARD CULLEN unit make the BELLA SWAN unit a vampire?
A: The EDWARD CULLEN is so self-deprecating that he doesn't wish to feel happiness any longer. Plus, he enjoys her blushes a little too much.
Q: My EDWARD CULLEN unit is a sickly green color, and he won't stop coughing and throwing up. What gives?
A: It seems you have been most fortunate as to receive the upcoming Human EDWARD CULLEN unit. Sadly, he is infected with the Spanish Influenza, and unless he comes into contact with the CARLISE CULLEN unit, he will die shortly. Enjoy his gorgeous green eyes while you can.
Q: My EDWARD CULLEN unit won't stop glaring at me, and I don't know how I've upset him. Help!
A: It seems as if you've forgotten that the EDWARD CULLEN unit is a mind reader. Were you imagining him and you in a more intimate setting? Please refrain from doing so in his presence, unless you enjoy his anger.
Q: My EDWARD CULLEN unit has red eyes, and I can't find my BELLA SWAN unit anywhere. What happened?!
A: Oh dear, it seems as if he's finally gone and murdered her for her blood. Don't worry about the eyes; soon enough, they'll turn back into the obnoxious golden color we've all come to love. As for the death of the BELLA SWAN unit, now he's single for you!
Q: Why does the EDWARD CULLEN unit watch the BELLA SWAN unit sleep?
A: No one is quite sure what excites him about watching the BELLA SWAN unit sleeps. It might have something to do with her saying his name in her sleep, which leads to his own fantasies.
Q: Why won't the EDWARD CULLEN unit toast marshmallows with me?
A: Is he also huddled in a corner, crying for his mommy? Well, it seems you've found out the EDWARD CULLEN unit's weakness. Fire is the only thing that can kill a vampire, and he's probably afraid for his life.
Q: My friends bought me the EDWARD CULLEN unit for my birthday, and I just don't see what's so hot about him. Any ideas?
A: Apparently bright red hair and even brighter yellow eyes are hot this year.
Q: How can the EDWARD CULLEN unit be attracted to someone 100 years younger than him?
A: Unfortunately, the EDWARD CULLEN unit may or may not be a pedophile (psychological results are pending). We are unsure at this time how this attraction is possible.
Q: Can the EDWARD CULLEN unit make babies?
A: Absolutely not. All of his reproduction organs have stopped producing the necessary sperm to impregnate a woman. Unless, of course, he's gone 100 years without masturbating, which is highly unlikely.
Q: Is there any way for me to make the EDWARD CULLEN unit smile?
A: Unless you suddenly become the BELLA SWAN unit, no.
Q: The EDWARD CULLEN UNIT won't stop laughing at me, and I can't find my bunny! Where did it go?
A: Unfortunately, the unit has deemed your bunny food. You may notice his already bright, golden eyes have probably gotten even brighter. Next time, hide your pets from this unit.
With proper care and maintenance, your EDWARD CULLEN unit will live for all of eternity. Do not leave him in any burning buildings with sadisitc enemy vampires, and he'll enjoy a long life with his family.
Thank you for reading. ;]