The Bastard and the Midget

Central Military command was as busy as it could be during the week. People rushed from office to office, delivering important information, discussing news and updating paperwork and documents. There was one office that worked so hard, and did such a great job getting paperwork done that one Colonel Roy Mustang decided that he deserved a break. While his trusty Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye was out delivering some documents, he leaned back in his patent leather chair, casually chatting on the phone. Jean Havoc sat nearby with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. Heymans Breda and Vato Falman were in the middle of a fierce game of chess. The door flew open so hard the knob bounced against the wall. None of the occupants flinched as Edward Elric and his brother came into the office.

"Hey Boss," Havoc greeted, "How'd the mission go?" Ed gave him a smoldering glare.

"Better luck next time Boss," Havoc responded with a smirk. Ed stomped to the couch and sat down next to Al, listening to Mustang's conversation.

"Yes Genevea, I remembered. I'll be over at the usual time. Don't forget to wear that red dress you bought the other day….No, not that one, the one that reveals your womanly figure…of course I'll do that…" he purred. Ed shot the Colonel a look of disgust. Mustang frowned slightly at Ed, but perked up when he said, "Yes, we'll go there tonight. Ok, I need to get off the phone, there's a disgruntled midget sitting on my couch. See you tonight."


"Brother, please stop shouting," Al sighed. Mustang smirked. "I guess your last mission didn't go too well."

"Damn straight it didn't go too well! And you KNEW that I wouldn't find anything out there, you presumptuous ass!" Ed said.

The door flew open before Mustang could respond, and to everyone's relief, Kain Furey rushed toward Mustang with a manila envelope marked PRORITY ONE RANKED MISSION.

"Here Sir, this is Edward's next mission. It came directly from the Furher himself!" Furey said.

Mustang took the file and started to read. As he read the file, Mustang's expression changed into disbelief.

"What is it!?" Ed shouted in impatience.

The Colonel simply handed Ed the files. Ed skimmed the memo, then threw the paper down in anger.

"What the hell is this?!"

"Your next mission" Mustang replied with a blank face.

Al crept behind his speechless brother and read the mission out loud.

To Colonel Mustang:

Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist, is hereby assigned the mission of aiding Dolores Jane Umbridge, the Senior Undersecretary to the Minister, with apprehending, questioning, detaining and purging all rebellious characters from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. He is to go undercover as a student and help capture any person that is spreading seditious lies about a certain Dark Wizard. The Wizarding community has experienced several events that have set it on edge and damage control is needed before the peace erupts in chaos and fear. He is also to aid in helping to purge the school of unworthy teachers. The Furher also requests for the Fullmetal Alchemist to research this 'magic' and all of its components, find out more about the people and how they utilize this power, and the strength this power posses. A report is to be turned in to Colonel Mustang at the end of every month, who will then proceed to send it to the Furher. Once the mission is complete, all research notes will be turned in and the Fullmetal Alchemist is to give a demonstration of this 'magic' and its properties.

This mission supersedes any other Fullmetal may be currently assigned to and he must be ready to travel to the Ministry of Magic in London, England in five days time.

A pregnant silence followed; after several minutes, Havoc recovered first.

"So let me get this straight. The Fuher-who apparently investigated this matter himself-wants Ed to go to a magic school to learn magic and round up some snot nosed brats their own government couldn't handle?"

The room exploded into laughter.

"I guess Ed's gonna learn some stuff to add to his bag of magic tricks!" Breda roared.

"Soon Ed will be known as the Full-Magic-Alchemist!" Havoc said.

"THIS ISN'T FUNNY!" Ed said.

"Oho, we don't want Ed getting mad at us; he may curse us in our sleep!" Breda said.

"I won't do it. There is no way this magic stuff is real!" Ed said.

"You don't have much of a choice Fullmetal." Mustang replied smoothly. "To refuse a direct order from the Furher is a death sentence."

Al placed a reassuring hand on his brother's shoulder.

"Brother, we should go. I don't think this is magic, but maybe some form of alchemy. Maybe that's the reason why the Furher is taking this mission so seriously. The research can probably help us with-"

"-finding another way the make the Philosopher's Stone." Ed said. "You're right Al. This may be the break we were searching for."

"Al can't come with you on this mission," Mustang said.

Ed froze and everyone braced for the explosion.

"WHAT!? Why can't he come!? Al travels with me all the time on missions! Why does it matter now?!"

"Colonel, do I really have to stay behind?" Al asked. "You know how Brother is when I'm not around."

"This mission is not like the other missions. Fullmetal is about to go to a foreign country and work undercover. Discretion is of the utmost importance. Not that I believe you are capable of doing it," Mustang added blandly.

Ed slammed his hands on the desk. "Al is definitely capable of being discreet. He's not some loud idiot."

"Yes, we know Al isn't anything like you," Mustang said, "but keep in mind what you have to do: you need to simultaneously learn and research this form of alchemy while acting as a spy under this woman. You also need to blend in and act like a normal kid. Considering you're far from normal, Fullmetal, I actually think Al's presence would be a distraction for you. You don't need anyone else to find out about Al, now, do you?"

Ed mulishly glared at the Colonel. "This violates the terms Mustang! When I became a State Alcehmist, I said I would do anything and go anywhere as long as Al and I were not separated."

"That term can only apply to missions I assign you. This goes past my authority."

"Brother, it's okay, just go on the mission," Al said, effectively cutting his brother off. "You can't say no to the Furher, and the information from this mission can be really helpful. You can't let this chance go."

"Al, I am not leaving you behind," Ed said.

"Brother, I'll be okay. Just call or write to me when you get the chance. Besides, you deserve the opportunity to…to be around people your age." Al replied. "Go, and have fun Brother. Have fun…for the both of us."

Heaving a sigh, Ed relented. "Ok Al, I'll go. And I seriously doubt if I will be having fun at any place where people believe alchemy is some kind of 'magic'."

"You have five days to make sure you have everything you need for the trip Fullmetal," Mustang remarked with his trademark smirk. "Who knows, maybe you could find a growing spell in addition to some information about the Stone."

"Screw you!" Ed stormed out of the office and into the hallway, with gales of laughter ringing in his ears. In his anger, he bumped into Hawkeye returning to the office with a small stack of paperwork.

"Sorry Lieutenant," Al apologized while bending down to help her.

"Yeah, sorry Lieutenant," Ed muttered, helping to clean up the mess he made.

"No, it's okay," she smiled warmly, then frowned at the commotion in the office.

"Have a nice day," Al said as she gathered the remaining papers. Ed, wearing an evil smirk, rushed to open the door and was pleased at the pale, terrified faces he saw. Three seconds later, the sound of people running for cover and screams were heard, followed by several gunshots. Hmph. That's what those bastards get Ed thought smugly.

Kame: Soooooo…what did you think? Sorry if it seems like a lot of dialogue, but I like to explain things as thoroughly as possible so no one misunderstands and the premises for the rest of the story are set. FEEDBACK ONEGAISHIMASU! If you leave feedback, I'll give you either a hippogriff or a chibi Envy.

Next chapter: The Toad and the Fly that got away