Disclaimers apply. I do not own Macross Frontier or anything related to the Macross franchise. This piece of fanfiction is dedicated to vivitoru and Westlo (my minion) and to the rest of my SkullFaerie comrades. This is pure crack and I hope you enjoy.
Cannot be Unseen
Michel Blanc sighed in frustration.
In the time of bring cramped up in Saotome Alto's locker, he came to the conclusion that the fates hated him.
On second thought, maybe the fates were just jealous of him. With his devilish looks and great sniper skills, who could blame anyone who was envious of the playboy? Certainly not Michel Blanc. Not everyone could be as handsome and talented as him. Why, he'd be a bit ticked off too if he found another man who was handsomer than him (Alto didn't count, he looked more woman than man).
On third thought, it really had nothing to do with divine jealousy. It was all just a result of unfortunate events. Very unfortunate events. If he had never joined in on last night's blow-out Fire Bomber Karaoke Night, he would have never belted out a dozen lung-busting songs, which would have never resulted in contracting a case of laryngitis in the following morning (he now officially cursed Basara). If that had never happened, he would have never gone to see Canaria to ask (rather, write her a note—for the lack of voice) for some medication to numb the pain and discomfort. He would have never been told that a certain Saotome Alto had already taken the last blister pack of painkillers. He would then have never gone to pillage Alto's locker for the wanted painkillers. With that, he would have never have gotten locked inside the princess' locker.
How he got stuck was another thing to think about. The last thing that had happened before he was encased in his prison was a mutant green squirrel. It was unlike anything Michel had ever seen. It had bounced around his feet, and then it lunged at his face (his face!).
That damn mutant green squirrel…
Alto's locker door had been wide open and with no thanks to the mutant green squirrel, he was shot inside like a goaled soccer ball.
Due to the impact or another doing of the mutant green squirrel—or maybe just the plain fact that this was Alto's locker—the locker door closed shut! Now that was unfair. It had been a hard task to open the damn locker—but it was certainly easy breezy to close it. Of all the damn luck! He had tried kicking and pounding it to open but the stupid door wouldn't budge.
His legs were protesting in pain, so were his arms. About half an hour had passed but no soul had come.
He didn't even bother shouting out for help because if he tried that, the only thing that would come out of his mouth would be air, possibly even sand for all the dry pain he was feeling.
He squinted out hopelessly through the horizontal slits of the locker door. All he could see were the other lockers lined in the opposite side. Silently cursing, he pressed his forehead to the uncaring door.
He heard a swoosh sound from the automated locker room entrance and his mind cheered. Somebody had come at last! Smiling happily, Michel was ready to kick up a ruckus when Luca bobbed into his view with an object flapping in the air.
Michel blinked. Was that...a bra? An it looked to be a C, D, E, F, G Cup.
"At last!" Luca piped in gleefully. "I finally have the greatest treasure from Nanase-san!"
Luca placed his err… treasure on top of his head, squealing like a happy schoolgirl. With the scene playing in front of him, Michel forgot his main objective as he witnessed a side of his shouta friend he had never seen before (and wished he had never witnessed).
"My Nanase Shrine will be perfect!" Luca continued with his happy moment. "How I have waited for this glorious moment for so long!"
Michel felt the tears glazing his eyes. No, he was not happy for his friend. No, he was certainly not feeling sorry for this twisted side of his twisted friend.
Michel Blanc was feeling sorry for Michel Blanc!
This little Luca moment just severely confirmed how Michel did not have normal friends! It was already bad enough that people always mistook Alto for his girlfriend (one of these days, he was really going to cut that guy's hair) but now…Luca…bra—this! This was too much!
He was wallowing in his inner self-pity and he did not notice that Luca left until he heard the automated swoosh.
He really needed to concentrate. The next person that would come in, he was definitely going to get their attention and come out of this damn locker. Focus. He had to focus. He would ponder on Luca's sick side later when he was free. Right now, he had to focus…
On cue, Michel started kicking and pummeling, sure enough, making loud noises. However, his efforts were in vain.
Coming in his line of sight was Ozma Lee—listening to his music player. Not willing to eat defeat, Michel doubled his efforts in his noise pollution.
Unfortunately, Ozma seemed to have his volume in full blast and heard nothing but Basara music. Ozma began to dance. He did so while singing along to loud-mouthed Basara, doing rock poses and even doing a mean air guitar.
"TOTSUGEKI LOVE HEART!!!" He sang (screeched) out.
This scene didn't really surprise Michel. Ozma's Basara obsession was not a big secret. The guy himself didn't try anything to conceal or deny that fact. It looked like he still had some energy left after last night's Basara-fest. His superior was really something… Michel was lost in these thoughts and was brought back to reality when he noticed that Ozma had stopped singing. Peeping out closely, he saw that his superior was standing still, doing nothing. This was very odd, Michel thought.
Oh. My. Effing. God.
Then and there, before Michel's eyes, Ozma Lee, his superior and the man who was supposedly the epitome of GAR, began to sing and dance his sister's Seikan Hikou.
Ryuusei ni matagatte
Anata ni kyuukouka ah ah
Ozma's voice was very gruff and unfitting as he sang along with his music player. His actions were strong and forceful (suggesting he had already done these steps to a point of mastering it) as he did the dance moves.
Noukon no hoshizora ni
Watashitachi hanabi mitai
Michel's mind refused to compute. He stared blankly in a state of disbelief, his mouth hanging open. His stomach suddenly felt sick and his heart raced with the speed of fear. This just couldn't be real! Michel denied what he was seeing with all his might but it was futile.
In the end…he…
Kokoro ga hikari no ya wo hanatsu
In the end…he…lost his respect for Ozma.
Deep in his fallen idol phase, he once again failed to notice Ozma's exit until too late when he heard the dreaded swooshy close. Michel tried to curse, but his vocal condition would not allow it, so he cursed mentally instead.
When trapped in a locker, one lost a sense of time, Michel realized. No doubt it had probably been more than an hour or two— but it might as well have been an eternity. A cramped up uncomfortable eternity…
Sighing for the nth time, Michel prayed for forgiveness for the two grave sins he committed. One was for being a womanizer and the other for being too excessively handsome. He felt his sweat-soaked shirt plastering his back and he wondered how much more he had to endure.
"Ai-kun! Where are you?"
If it were possible, Michel would have squealed like one of his fangirls whenever they saw him pass by.
"Ai-kun! Are you in here?"
The sight of green hair almost made Michel cry with sweet relief. He was finally going to be saved! To make things even sweeter, Ranka turned and stared at his direction and much more—she started walking towards him! God must have forgiven him!
He squeezed his eyes shut out of happiness and started to mouth out his thanks to the heavens. He barely finished his mouthed thank-you when something slipped into his mouth. Startled, he removed it and secured it close to the small amount of light provided by the slits.
It was a letter. He flipped over the envelope and found Alto's name written in the dead center. Squiggled hearts and doodled rocket ships filled the space of everything else. Michel Blanc had received lots of love letters in his lifetime, but this letter certainly beat the crap out of anything he had ever received. This letter screamed ME LOVE YOU LOOOONG TIME!!! And Michel hadn't even seen the actual letter yet!
"I hope Alto-kun receives my feelings…" Ranka's shy voice broke his attention from the letter and suddenly remembered his primary objective. He had to get out of here! He was ready to bang the door when Ranka let out an excited squeal.
"Ai-kun! There you are!"
He watched Ranka bend over to pick something up.
When she straightened up, something was sitting in the palm of her hands. It was…
It was that damn mutant green squirrel!
"Ai-kun, I've been looking all over for you! Don't you dare run off like that again! You know how angry onii-chan will get if he finds out I wandered around SMS all by myself." Ranka scolded.
Michel's teeth were setting against each other. A vein throbbed in his temple and his hands clenched into fists. It was all that stupid mutant green squirrel's fault! Regardless if that mutant thing was Ranka's pet, he was going to barbeque that menace and stuff it down Alto's throat!
With all that in his mind, Michel began to violently beat the crap out of the insides of Alto's locker. This time, unlike the previous case, Ranka turned her loli attention to the racket he was making.
He watched her surprised face as he continued with his noise-making.
Ranka's face had a stunned expression—that turned into confusion—which then morphed into…
Immediately, Michel stopped. He sure as hell never had any intention of scaring the girl!
Ranka's green hair started to stand up, her wide Bambi eyes leaking tears down her terrorized face. Then in a speed of light, she ran, mutant green squirrel in hand.
The dreaded swoosh followed after.
"Ne, Michel-kun, have you ever noticed how round the princess' derriere is?"
Michel hit his head against the unfeeling metal wall behind him. He had finally gotten his wish of someone finding him inside Alto's locker. Unfortunately, that person was Bobby.
Instead of helping him get out, Bobby had come to the conclusion that Michel was playing peeping tom and that Michel shouldn't worry because Bobby would keep it a secret, he also confessed to having done the same thing to check out Ozma's body unabashed. How he came to that conclusion, Michel will never know.
It got worse….
Bobby also "realized" what Michel's sexual preference really is and that it was okay and natural to put up with a womanizing façade to try and hide it. He also gave Michel tips about coming out of the closet—or in this case, locker.
"Michel-kun, you haven't said a word at all! Don't worry already, I promise to keep this a secret. I'm a woman of my word after all," he giggled "also I can't help but laugh at how this love triangle is becoming a love square."
"Alto certainly is lucky to have two lovely girls and one handsome man chasing after him."
No. Bobby did not just say that. He did not just say that Michel was chasing after that blue-haired idiot.
"I was originally supporting Ranka-chan…but since you and I are in the same boat…"
OH. HELL. NO.
That was the last straw. Michel began to violently struggle inside the locker, making a lot of clamor.
"Michel-kun, what are you…?"
Michel continued with what he was doing.
Bobby just stared blankly.
"Oh my!" Bobby gushed, covering each of his cheeks with his manicured hands. "Michel, you naughty naughty boy…"
"You must have gotten hold of one of Alto's undies, hmm? I've done the same."
Disgust mixed with Michel's shock.
"I'll leave you to your mastur—err, happy moment then." He winked through the slits before he and his afro disappeared from Michel's sight. Michel heard a swoosh. He also heard his dignity and manly pride crash and break into little pieces.
Michel officially felt like dying. At this point, he had lost all hope of ever getting out. His whole body ached like hell and his stomach was eating itself. By the time he would be found, he would probably be bones. …On the plus side, he would become a pile of good-looking bones. After that, they'd start a legend about him and tell stories about the handsome ghost of Michel Blanc who haunted the men's locker room. They would then make newbies spend the whole night in the locker room as a sort of initiation. Michel could already picture the poor face of the rookie. So scared…so frightened…So...
Michel was now wide-eyed alert. This time he just had to get out!
He looked through the slits and his soul was elated with happiness! It was the owner of the cursed locker, Alto! Michel could feel the tears welling up in his eyes. Damn it. He shouldn't cry. Men were only allowed to cry when they were face to face with a group of hot babes inviting him to strip with them…or when they were about to die by a giant woman's wrath.
Michel decided to just silently wait for Alto to open the locker. He would then jump out and attack the moron. He felt himself smile at that. This was going to be…
Wait…was that Sheryl?
"Mou, Alto!" The fairy of the galaxy flipped her hair. "What are we doing here again?"
"I told you! I'm just going to get something from my locker." Alto said with "impatient woman," at the end. The pilot princess started for his locker, Michel sucked in his breath in anticipation. Alto looked as he was about to open it when suddenly…
"Sheryl!" He turned around to face Sheryl. Michel gritted his teeth in frustration while glaring at the back of Alto's head.
Sheryl's tone was feigning innocence when she said, "I just noticed how round your butt was."
"That doesn't mean you can just grab it like that!" Alto cried out indignantly.
"Eh? But I bet you liked it…"
Alto's back slammed to his locker door. Michel could only stare in sudden curiosity at what he was seeing and hearing.
"Sheryl, what are you"—?!
The smirking woman pressed herself closer to Alto, cocking her head at him. Michel could see the smug look of Sheryl, her eyes shining with a predatory gleam. Michel watched as Sheryl licked her lips before sliding down the floor, lost from his view.
A rasp of a zipper.
Michel's eyes widened.
Don't tell me—!!!
"I can't wait until we get to your room anymore, Alto."
"B-but people might come in!"
"It's more exciting when there's a risk."
"Just shut up and enjoy."
"Ah!" Alto threw his head back against the locker door. Michel shrank back. This is not happening…this is not happening… Unfortunately for him, Alto's (slightly feminine) moans kept putting down Michel's denials, confirming that this was indeed happening.
Sheryl was too busy doing something to entertain Alto's moans. Michel got the picture of what it was and wished he could just go die than having to be subjected to all of this.
Alto's moans became even louder and Michel could still hear it even when he covered his pointy ears. The sniper shut his eyes, wishing he had a pair of magical red shoes like Dorothy. That way, he could just click the heels and utter "There's no place like home…" and be spared from having to listen to his friend receiving oral sex.
Were those weird blissful noises really coming from that tsundere princess?!
"Sheryl—stop for ahh…while."
"If it's going to be like this, we'll need some protection, I have some in my"—
"Michel…what the hell are you doing inside my locker?"
"IYAAA!" Sheryl shrieked. "You mean he's been here the whole time?!"
Sheryl started wiping her mouth furiously while Alto struggled with his zipper. Well this certainly wasn't what Michel had in mind when he would finally achieve his freedom.
"Michel, what kind of"—?!
Alto did not finish as his eyes spotted something on the floor. Michel and Sheryl followed his gaze.
It was Ranka's forgotten letter that evidently slipped out from the locker. They stared at the doodles of hearts and rocket ships and Alto's carefully drawn name in glitter ink. All three stared at it for a long time.
Alto and Sheryl turned back their gaze towards Michel. Three things in both their heads.
Bobby was speaking hyperactively, "Ne, Michel! Is it really true that you were going to put a love letter inside Alto's locker but then he came in and so you had to hide and then blah blah…"
Michel banged his head against the locker door as a reply.
I might write an alternative ending. Maybe. XD