I managed to get us to Bobby's without any more conversation, and the closer we got to the Singer Salvage Yard, the more scared, the more withdrawn Sam seemed to get. He seems to be worried that telling Bobby about what happened will make the older hunter grab his shot gun and force Sam out of his house, or worse, fufill the last order Dad gave me that I can't bring myself to do. No matter how dark side my brother goes, there is no possible way that I would be able to look at him, see those eyes that I'd raised, held in confidence, joked with, laughed with, hunted with, and then simply pull the trigger like he was some monster, he's my brother. And if Sam really thinks that Bobby would be able to blow his brains out like he was simply a creepy crawly, then he doesn't know Bobby at all. Bobby would never do that to Sam, and I know that for certain. Because I told Bobby that I broke the first seal, way before I told Sam, and all Bobby could say was that he would have done the same thing. That faced with the same options day after day after day, that he would eventually have gotten off of the rack and dished some torture out as well. While it didn't exactly make me feel better, it reassured me that he didn't hate me, and that was all that I needed.
I pulled the car into the drive, and Sam seemed to grow smaller when the car stopped. "Come on Sammy, let's go. He's waiting for us."
"Don't. Just don't Sam. He's family. Let's go." I got out of the car and I didn't' even look back to see if Sam was coming, I knew he would come on his own time. He probably needed some time to gather his courage. I know it took me almost three days before I called Bobby and told him about the whole breaking the first seal thing. But I guess it was probably easier for me to reveal my shame to Bobby over the phone, I didn't' have to see his face, I didn't have to see the disappointment, the anger, the confusion. All I got to hear was his understanding and his reassurance. Sam would have to see and hear everything.
Bobby was standing at the door like I expected. He had sounded pretty anxious when I spoke to him earlier, and a little impatient to check us over. Guess he was afraid watching Lucifer break out of his cage might damage us a little. It probably has but I'm not going to sweat it much, so much damage has been already been done, what is a little more, who would notice one more scar?
"Where is he?" Bobby asked by way of greeting. That was always something I loved about Bobby, he didn't sweat the pleasantries, just went right for the action, if he had something to say, he said it, didn't beat around the bush, I admired that about him.
"In the car."
"Why is he in the car?"
"Afraid I guess.'
"Idjit." He mumbled and turned towards the car, Sam was going to get the brunt of Bobby's wrath and it wasn't going to be because he opened Lucifer's cage, it's gonna be for being a coward, for not owning up to his mistake. Bobby wasn't good with that.
I saw Bobby charging at me, and before I could do anything about it he threw open the car door.
"Get out boy." I obeyed. What else could I do? It was Bobby. "Who raised you? Cowards?"
"You don't hide from people when you've done something wrong. You know better than that. Get your ass inside that house. Now. Move!" What do you say when Bobby Singer tells you to move? You do exactly what he says, that's what you do. I don't think Bobby knows what he is inviting into his house. Doesn't know the evil that he is allowing to cross the threshold. I hesitated just outside of the entrance of his house, afraid for the first time that the devil's trap above the door might actually trap me, because I think I've crossed that line, crossed the barrier from human to demon. I felt a hand on my back push me forward, it was Bobby's, I just knew it. I pushed myself inside and closed my eyes as I walked through the devil's trap, and relief poured over me as I realized that I wasn't trapped, I was still human enough that I could walk through the traps and the salt lines. It made me a powerful weapon for the demons.
"So, what do you think you are doing, hiding?" Bobby demanded. Good 'ol Bobby, always blunt.
"Just what Sam?"
"Couldn't face you."
"Because of what you did?" I felt my eyes grow gigantic. He knew what I did, Dean told him, Dean must have done it when I went to the bathroom just outside of Toledo, he must have called Bobby, and narked on me. Bobby already knows and he brought me in here to kill me that is the only reason I'm inside. He doesn't want to do it out in the open.
"No. Boy, what do you think every hunter on Earth is talking about right now? Lucifer is free. They don't happen to know how, but I'm pretty sure I can guess. Lucifer's first was Lilith wasn't it?"
"And you killed her."
"Yeah. I'm really sorry Bobby."
"Why in the hell are you apologizing to me boy? I ain't the one you need to apologize to."
"Well the other hunters…."
"No, they aren't the ones either."
"Then?" I was so confused. I needed to apologize for my actions, for setting Lucifer free. Dean taught me while I was growing up, that you apologized if you did something accidentally that hurt someone, and you did your best to make up for it. I had to do that, that was my only way to begin to make up for this mess I created. And if Bobby didn't accept the first apology then who would?
"Apologies aren't going to get you anywhere Sam. Actions will. You need to get your ass off of the pity pot and start working on how exactly you are going to get Lucifer back in his cage. Feeling sorry for yourself, or feeling ashamed are only satisfyin' to you…"
Satisfying? He thinks that my stomach rolling, churning, and tying itself into knots is helping me? All I want to do is curl up and hide from the world. "This isn't helping me…" I began to protest, but Bobby cut me off with a hand gesture.
"Well yeah it must be, or you wouldn't be all whoa is me. Get off of it Sam. You are alive, and you got a job to do. So do it. Now git! Go and get some sleep. You look awful." I stood there frozen. I was just told to go to bed like a child. He wasn't yelling at me because I set Lucifer free, he was yelling at me for feeing bad and beating myself up.
"But what Sam?" I couldn't find the words, couldn't form a complete thought. "You are doing what you always do, you are hand wringing, you worry, and then you wrap Dean in promises to kill you if things go any more south. Well, Sam, things can't go any farther south than they already have, and your brother over there." I looked to Dean, who had his head down looking at his fingers. He looked so defeated, so tired, and so worn around the edges. I did that to him. I was the one who made him look like that. "Dean isn't ever going to kill you. If you haven't figured that out yet then, maybe you are the one who hasn't ever known your brother." I stopped, more shame filled my gut. Dean told Bobby about the hateful words I said to Dean.
"I only said that because I wanted you to be as far away from me as possible Dean. I didn't want you near me when the final show went down. I didn't want you to watch…"
"You die?" Dean asked. And that was it. That was exactly why I pushed him so hard. I read Chuck's book recounting the time in which I died. Reading it, knowing that all of it was accurate, hurt me, so bad. Dean had been completely destroyed by my death, and I couldn't do it to him a second time. So, I nodded.
"I would have saved you Sammy. You should know that." Dean said and pushed himself away from the table he was leaning against.
"Sam. I'm not mad at you for breaking the seal. That you did with good intentions. You were doing what you thought was right, and I respect that Sam." Bobby started. "But, I am mad that you worked off of intel that was shaky. We all taught you better. You never listen to a demon. They are manipulative. You should know better. That you should feel ashamed for." And I did. No amount of pressing would ever make me feel good about my decisions. I let Lucifer go, and for that I'm so sorry.