Selfish Pain Part 3

By: ioanhoratio

Spoilers: Season 5 (and a slight reference to my story "Time for Mothers" ;)

Special Thanks to: afrozenheart412, Colie04, Melissouza, Found Wonderer, Annabeth83, JavaJunkie4evr, wolfeylady, paradiseblue, gwen 24, southerngurl1227, FoxPhile, laurzz, tottalymad, and webdlfan. Thanks so much guys!

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Lindsay jumped out of the shower, her moment of quiet contemplation gone with the tears of her newborn. Lindsay threw a towel around herself and ran into her bedroom. Lucy was lying in the middle of their bed and now wide awake screaming her lungs out.

Lindsay secured the towel with a knot and the picked up her red faced daughter.

"It's o.k. baby. You are just fine. There is no need for all of this fussing. Momma didn't go far," Lindsay softly spoke. The infant began to quiet but was still obviously quite displeased. Her pathetic whimpers were enough to send Lindsay into overdrive.

"O.K. munchkin. I know what you want. You don't have to go and break momma's heart with all that crying," Lindsay assured her. Lindsay sat on the bed and let the towel fall to her waist. Lucy immediately began rooting around for the source of her lunch. They had been doing this for the last 5 and half weeks. Lindsay felt like an old pro by this point. She loved nursing her daughter. At night it was a little exhausting but she and Danny had discussed all of their options and right now she felt good about her decision to breastfeed only right now. Lucy would be spending hours away from her in no time but right now Lindsay could hold her close and feel their connection grow stronger.

"You really are the most beautiful little thing," Lindsay said as she stroked her daughters chubby cheek, "Your daddy says it all the time and I get a little concerned that you are going to grow up vain but every time I want to say something about it I look at you and I see he is exactly right and I can't argue. So I guess we will have a beautiful vain daughter huh?"

The oblivious infant continued eating. Lindsay shifted down a little and snuggled back more comfortably into the pillows on the bed.

"I have a new dress for you. It is white and fluffy with little pink flowers. I had to get mommy a new outfit today and picked you up a nice dress too," Lindsay explained, "We have to go to a funeral today. I still can't quite fit into my old clothes and I don't have any black maternity clothes that would be appropriate so that is why you and I took a trip this morning."

Lucy had finished eating and Lindsay expertly burped her. Lucy was now content to lie in her mother's arms and stare at her. Lindsay kissed her baby on the head, the eyes, the nose, the cheeks and the lips. She loved kissing her baby.

"Lucy I hope one day you truly understand what you mean to your father and me. The love you brought into our lives. You are so little but already so big…" Lindsay paused and thought for a moment, "I wish I could tell you that I will always be there to protect you from the world but I can't and it is really hard for mommy to deal with that. I had really good parents. You already met your grandma and she loves you to bits. Grandpa is going to spoil you rotten when we go to visit them in Montana. They were great parents. Daddy even gave me a buck knife and taught me how to use it. He said it was to use against the boys. My daddy liked the idea of his little girl dating about as much as yours does," Lindsay giggled then sobered, "I knew everyday that they loved me and they made many sacrifices to make my life easier."

Lindsay absently rubbed a finger up and down Lucy's belly. She looked for a moment from her daughter and into a daydream of her past. She could see the happiness from her childhood. She could see the beauty that had surrounded her though out her life. She could feel the love that had been her constant companion since before she could remember. She could also see the darkness that never lay far beneath the surface of her memories.

"But even with everything they did it wasn't enough to keep the hard things out of my life. Mommy saw a bad thing and it is difficult to deal with. I never want you to be in that kind of pain but I don't know how to protect you from it. I don't…and that scares me. My parents didn't do anything wrong and look what happened," Lindsay allowed a small chuckle, "You know I have never really stopped to think about what they went through. I can't imagine what I would do if something like that happened to you…I want so badly to be a good mommy Lucy," Lindsay declared. Lucy let out a soft coo and a high pitched aah.

Lindsay smiled and asked her daughter "Is that right?" Lucy again let out a tiny baby sound "Well tell me all about it Lucy." Lindsay let out a soft laugh as her daughter quickly lost interest and moved her attention to her thumb.

"You are absolutely adorable but a terrible conversationalist," Lindsay concluded.

Lindsay dropped her head and said quietly, "I don't want to go to the funeral."

"Well, that is not true. I want to go because I loved Jess. But mommy doesn't do well at funerals," Lindsay confessed, "I am sad that you will not remember her. You got to meet her a few times. She would come over with Uncle Don. She held you and you slept in her arms but now you will never truly get to know her. That makes me very sad."

Lindsay looked down at Lucy and saw her eyelids begin to droop. Lindsay shimmied down further onto the bed and snagged a sheet. She pulled it up over her and her daughter and they snuggled on the pillow.

Lindsay's voice grew quieter almost to a whisper, "I am supposed to be getting us ready to go. I think I want to hide with you a little while longer instead. You can go to sleep little one. I feel like there is so little I can truly do for you but I know that right now I can promise that you are safe. Momma won't let anything happen to you while you are here with me. There are things that still keep me from being the best mommy I can be but I promise you Lucy I am going to do everything I can to fix that. Daddy and I are going to help each other get to a better place. Daddy says that we have to think of it like an airplane. 'If the planes goin' down then ya gotta get your mask on first or you're no good to anybody,' Lindsay finished with her best Danny impression. It was of course wasted on the now sleeping child.

"Your daddy says some pretty smart things sometimes…he also says some pretty dumb things so I guess it all just evens out. Either way you are pretty lucky to have him—I still don't want to go to the funeral. I think I will just stay here with you. We can cocoon ourselves in this blanket. We can leave all the scary stuff outside."

Lindsay allowed her tired eyes to close but she continued to speak to her daughter.

"I worry about what I am going to tell you about what happened to me and all of my friends. How am I going to tell you about the evil that people can do to one another? I don't want to tell you but I know I am going to have to someday. It is important to me that I let you get to know me and be honest with you. I am going to try and figure all of this out. It is just really scary right now. Aren't moms supposed to be all knowing and all powerful? I really don't want to let you down Lucy. I love you so much…"

Lindsay trailed off. She was going to spend a few more quiet moments with Lucy and then get up a get dressed. Just a few more moments…

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"Linds," Danny whispered, "Hey babe. You gonna wake up?" His wife cracked open one eye. She stared at him in confusion for a moment then quickly oriented herself.

"Oh crap!" she exclaimed as she flew into sitting position, "I fell asleep."

"That's a'right Montana. As long as you are always dressed like that when I get home you can be doing whatever you want," Danny assured her with a wolfish grin.

Lindsay realized she was still quite naked and the abrupt movement had caused the sheet and towel to shift. She rolled her eyes at her husband, checked to make sure she hadn't disturbed Lucy, then attempted to untangle herself from the bed clothes.

"What time is it?" she asked.

"We have about an hour before we got to get there."

"I have to blow dry my hair. I know you have to shower but just give me 15 minutes," Lindsay threw over her shoulder as she ran passed him. Danny shot an arm out and stopped his wife.

"You know I do like you naked," Danny growled at her.

"Danny! We are going to be late. If you don't let me go now then I am going to wind up talking myself out of going all together," Lindsay scolded. Danny sighed and let her go. He was going to play it safe today. Instead he turned and looked at his tiny daughter still snoozing on the bed.

He crawled over to her and gently laid a hand on her belly. He loved to feel her breathing and to feel her heartbeat under his finger tips. Danny could also feel some of the tension of the day leave his body. Since Lindsay had put in so many hours in the lab the day before because of Jess, Mac had told her to stay home yesterday and today. Danny missed seeing her but he agreed with his boss. He didn't think the lab was the best place for her right now. They were all too busy and nobody at the lab was working at 100%. They were all still reeling from the events of the last 48 hours.

"Hey kiddo why don't we help mommy out and I get you dressed," he said to his daughter. She was still at the stage where it took quite a bit to wake her up so he easily lifted her up and carried her to the nursery, "and if I know your mom she has already set out your clothes."

"Boom," said triumphantly as he saw the dress laid out on her changing table. This was his Lindsay; she was organized and efficient, she had grocery lists and a laundry schedule—the fact that he had found her asleep and still in a towel had concerned him. Lindsay was usually ready an hour before she had to be any where. Danny didn't want to blow anything out of proportion but he was going to keep paying attention. He wasn't going to let things unravel like it had to them in the past.

"A'right beautiful let's wow your mom," Danny said as he placed the sleeping infant on the changing table and changed her diaper. His daughter whimpered once but remained asleep. "You know what? I think you are just too little," Danny teased her, "I'm thinkin' those little toes of yours are just too tiny. Yep, I should probably take ya back and get a better model. One that isn't so small." He smiled to himself. Who was he kidding? There was nothing more perfect to him than his little girl.

Danny grabbed the little dress and inspected it. Then he saw the bloomers and the tights.

"Oh crap," he said to no one in particular. A dress he could do but he was a little uncertain about the rest. Did he put the tights over the bloomers or under? And how do you get tights onto an infant? Danny had never put tights on anything. Wait, wasn't there supposed to be a onesie some where in there as well?

"Well baby girl here goes. Daddy is sorry for anything he screws up and mommy has to fix."

He began to dress Lucy.

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"Danny I'm done. The bathroo…" Lindsay stopped mid-sentence. Her sexy, masculine husband was standing over their daughter with a perplexed look on his face as he help up a pair of tiny white tights. He was turning them backwards and forwards trying to figure out which way they went on.

"How am I supposed to work with these things? Don't they come with instructions?" He asked her frustrated.

Lindsay wasn't going to laugh. He was trying so hard. She swallowed down a giggle and walked over to him.

She took the tights from him and did a quick check to make sure Lucy was wearing everything properly. 'Eh? Close enough,' she thought. She showed Danny how the tights went and then slipped them on to Lucy.

"Daddy got you dressed all by himself," Lindsay cooed to her daughter.

Danny couldn't help the satisfied grin that came to his face but he tried to cover it by saying, "It's ain't rocket science Montana. I am a trained CSI. I think I can dress my own kid."

Lindsay wasn't going to mention that the bloomers were on backwards. Instead she just smiled and told him to hurry up and get ready.

About 20 minutes later the Messer family was making its way out into the city. Danny held Lucy's baby carrier in one hand and held Lindsay's hand in the other.

"You won't let go 'til I tell you it's o.k. right?" Lindsay asked him.

"As long as you promise not to let go of mine," he challenged.

"I hate funerals," Lindsay told him suddenly. No one liked funerals but he knew what she was telling him. This was going to be a hard day.

"I know," he said, "but you aren't alone."

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Next up: The funeral…

Thanks for reading!!!