One day, Edward had to poop really badly.
He was right in the middle of a card game with his family when he suddenly jumped up from his chair and cried, "I gotta poop!" He then ran to the bathroom while flailing his arms around.
Everyone looked at him as he left.
"You made him," Emmett said, pointing to Esme.
"No I didn't. He was adopted, you dumbshit." Esme replied.
"Oh, well, then his mother made him, and she should-"
"Emmett, shut up," Jasper interrupted, looking up from his cards.
Meanwhile, Edward was in the bathroom and sighed in relief as he saw the toilet before him. To him, it shined in all its glory. He was about to pull his pants down when his face formed a sudden look of horror. He saw that there was no toilet paper. Edward let out a groan and quickly ran to get some. He looked into the closets and saw no toilet paper. He looked everywhere else and saw no toilet paper. He let out a cry and ran to where his family was. They were now looking at a blank television screen.
"Help! We ran outta toilet paper and I gotta poop real bad!" Edward cried out, holding his stomach and dancing about like a deranged loon.
"Then why don't you go to the store and get some?" Carlisle suggested.
"No time! I gotta go now!"
"Edward, vampires can run, like, a gajillion miles an hour. You can go and come back in five sec-" But before Carlisle could finish his sentence, Edward had already run out of the room.
Edward arrived at the store in minutes. He was desperately trying to hold his poop in, squeezing his butt-hole so hard that it hurt. The poop could come out any minute and splatter onto the ground below him, but he held it in. He reached the paper goods aisle or whichever isle they have toilet paper in. He gasped and let out a loud groan as he saw no toilet paper. He searched thoroughly throughout the aisle, but still there was no toilet paper left. Edward was about to start sobbing when he saw an employee walking around the paper goods aisle. Edward tried grabbing his attention.
"Excuse me!" Edward called, walking quickly up to the employee and tapping him on the shoulder.
The employee whipped his head around and glared at Edward, "EXCUSE YOU! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M WORKING RIGHT NAW?!"
"Yeah, I can see that, but it seems this aisle has no toilet paper left and I need some real bad! Is there any toilet paper anywhere?"
"NO!" Shouted the employee.
"I SAID NO! NOW GET OUTTA MY WAY BEFO' I SLAP YOU!" The man then stormed out of the paper goods aisle.
Edward knew that no employee should treat a customer that way, but he had more things to worry about than that. Edward then quickly ran to the men's restroom and opened a door to a stall.
"No toilet paper?!" Edward cried as he looked at the empty toilet paper holder. He then looked at another stall. Still no toilet paper there, either. He then looked at the next stall, then the next, and the next, until he looked at every stall in the restroom. There was no toilet paper in any of them. He even looked in the paper towel holder and found no extra paper towels.
Edward fell down to the floor and started sobbing. The poop was now stinging his butt-hole, and he could feel it trying to force itself out.
"Maybe I could just take a crap on the floor, no one would notice." Edward thought. Then, another thought came to Edward's mind. Oh yes, this thought defied the laws of humanity. But would he do it?
He had no choice.
Edward scurried out of the men's restroom and let his eyes fall onto his target: the ladies' restroom.
But did he dare?
Of course he did, who cares?
He turned his head left and right to check if anyone was watching. The only person that was visible was a man who had his head stuffed in a trashcan. Edward ignored this and ran into the ladies' restroom. Fortunately, no one was inside. Before he went into the first stall, he knelt to the floor and prayed. He prayed for toilet paper, prayed for doing his "business" successfully, and prayed that no lady would come into the restroom until he was finished and walked out of the restroom. He finished the prayer with an "Amen" and proceeded to go into the first stall. He cautiously opened the door, as if a strange creature lived inside. He then grinned because, to his relief, he found a fresh roll of toilet paper on the holder. He happily sighed as he was about to undo the buckle of his belt.
Then, the worst happened.
Edward suddenly started to panic, as the buckle of his belt wouldn't undo. He tried pulling the belt apart, but even the belt was surprisingly too strong for Edward to break. Edward started hyperventilating; by now, the poop was pushing out as if it were a baby being born from a woman's birth canal. Edward cried and grunted as he ferociously tried undoing his belt buckle, when suddenly he heard the restroom's door open. He forced his mouth shut and just stood in the stall, thinking that hopefully whoever was coming in wouldn't notice a man in there. He started to sweat as he heard footsteps, but then raised his eyebrows as he heard the voices of the figures in the room. They sounded so familiar. Then he listened again, and it clicked! It was Alice and Rosalie, chatting away like there was no tomorrow. Edward whimpered from behind the stall and the chatting stopped.
"Uhhh…." Rosalie responded, then coughed a bit. She was about to continue the conversation when she heard the whimpers grow even louder. Rosalie looked at Alice in surprise, and Alice just shrugged her shoulders.
Then, a loud whisper from behind the stall: "Alice! Rosalie! Helllppp meeee!"
"Uhhh…hello?" Alice asked, looking fearfully at the stall.
"It's me, Edward!"
"Edward?!" Both girls cried.
"Yes! Please help me!"
"What are you-"
Edward stepped out of the stall with his hands tugging furiously at his belt.
"No time to explain why I'm in here, but I really gotta poop and the belt buckle won't budge! Please help me!"
Both girls started to giggle, but then Edward grabbed Rosalie's wrist.
"HELP ME!" He cried.
Alice and Rosalie started shushing him.
"All right, we'll help you." Said Rosalie. She grabbed Edward's belt buckle. "C'mon, Edward. You have super strength; this one little belt buckle should easily-" Rosalie tried undoing the buckle but it wouldn't open. "Okay, then we'll just break the belt." She tried pulling at the belt, but it wouldn't break, either. She pulled harder and harder until she was out of breath. Her hands fell limp to her sides. "Jeez, that's a pretty strong belt you got there."
"I got it at Macy's." Edward stated.
Alice then tried attempting breaking the belt and undoing the buckle, but failed.
Edward started to sob again. Alice and Rosalie just stared at him with raised eyebrows as his face hit the floor and streams of tears started pouring down from his eyes. He couldn't hold it in anymore.
"I-I can't do it…"
"Edward, NO!" Rosalie looked at him fearfully, "Please, no, Edward. Just hold it in for another ten minutes and we'll get-"
But it was too late.
Edward did his business in his pants. Alice and Rosalie groaned disgustingly and stepped back, holding their noses and making vomiting noises.
"Oh, my God, Edward! Why? WHYYYYY???!!" Alice cried as she ran out of the restroom.
"I made a oopsie!" Edward shouted.
"Ewww….Edward! You are so gross!" Rosalie grimaced as she walked out of the ladies' restroom, leaving Edward all alone, on the floor, with soiled pants.
Then the Hulk came and threw him into a volcano.