Of Wits, Wills and Wabbits.
Disclaimer: I don't own any material contained within this story. All copyrighted content remains the property of the person, people, or organization that holds the copyright. This story is solely for fun.
Should Have Taken That Left Turn at Albuquerque.
AN: I've never read the books and am only vaguely familiar with the Twilight series. So please forgive me if Edward is OOC. If anything strikes you as terribly out of character, please inform me (nicely); and if I can change it without spoiling the gags or ruining the story, I will... just so long as I still have this in my document manger tab. Well, I think that's everything... Wish me luck ;)
The last rays of twilight were just starting to vanish beneath the horizon when a little furrow appeared in the middle of the forest and a very strange looking creature popped his head out of the recently dug hole. The creature had long ears on the top of his head, whiskers, a stubby little nose and bore a striking resemblance to a hare. However, he was much larger than your garden variety 'bunny'; and as he emerged from the hole, he stood on his two hind legs, using the front ones as arms.
The creature looked around and raised one of his eyebrows. Something didn't seem right. He scratched his head and commented, "Funny, this don't look like Las Vegas."
Then he heard some strained puffing and looked down to find a turtle 'running' as fast as it could. The creature leaned down over the turtle and asked, "Er... excuse me, but could you tell me how far to the casinos?"
In between pants, the turtle replied in a drowsy drawl. "Duh... there's no casinos in Forks."
"Forks?" the creature asked.
"Forks, Washington," the turtle responded.
"Forks, Washington!" the creature exclaimed. "Drat, I knew I shoulda taken that left toin at Albukoikee." The creature thanked the turtle, pulled a large map out of a pocket (which had apparently been sown into his fur) and laid down on the ground, attempting to find the best route to get from Forks, Washington to Las Vegas, Nevada.
"Duh... What are you doing? You can't just lie there. The sun's already set. The Cullens will be coming soon."
"Horrible, monsters. Every night they emerge, chase down us animals, sink their teeth into our necks and drink our blood! You need to find a hiding spot before they come."
"Er, I'm not afraid of no urban legends," the creature replied with a dismissive wave.
"Suit yourself, bub... It's your funeral," the turtle said just as the last hint of sunlight vanished, and the darkness of night fell upon the forest.
There was a distant sound, like a strangled scream; and then the ground shook with the force of a small earthquake as a pack of various animals ran by the creature and the turtle. All the animals released the same frightened cry, "The Cullens are coming! The Cullens are coming!"
And as they passed, the turtle was kicked up, into the air. For a moment he spun around like a top, and then he finally fell into the hole that the strange creature had emerged from... not that the turtle seemed to mind. The hole was as good a hiding spot as any other that he could've reached in the little time he had left.
But the creature, that had emerged from the hole, just continued to scrutinize his map and munch down on a carrot. He was sure that the other animals were over reacting. After all, the 'monsters' the turtle had described sounded like vampires, and who'd ever heard of a vampire that preyed on animals?
Edward ran through the forest, chasing after the fleeing animals and quite surrendering himself to the thrill of the hunt. It wasn't until he entered a small clearing and found a strange looking animal apparently studying a map, that the Cullen snapped out of his savage mindset. 'How utterly ridiculous!' Edward thought as he stared at the strange creature. 'Who'd ever heard of an animal that could read a map?' Still, it was a curious sight, so Edward approached more slowly than usual.
The creature must have heard the vampire coming, for it looked up, locked eyes with him and asked, "Er... What's up, Doc?"
Edward stopped dead in his tracks, and his eyes went wide. Had... had that strange looking creature just spoken? Spoken English?! No. That... that was impossible... wasn't it? Edward knew that animals were smarter than people gave them credit for. He knew that they were intelligent and even had their own language, for communicating with each other. Of course, he didn't tell any of this to the other Cullens. After all, they needed to be able to eat something; and Edward was fairly certain that if Carlisle were to ever discover just how... 'human' animals were, he'd try to turn his family into real vegetarian vampires... or maybe restrict them to feeding off bugs next.
But Edward didn't feel that he needed to worry about such things. He was the only Cullen who could read minds, and without that ability, no one else would discover what the animals were really like. That was, Edward suddenly realized, unless this new, English speaking creature spilled the beans. Oh no, he couldn't let that happen... He just couldn't. The Cullens, the insect eating vampires? They'd be the laughing stock of the Amazon, Denali, Egyptian, Irish, Olympic, Romanian, and Volturi clans! He had to end this creature immediately!
The vampire was just about to pounce when he thought of something that made him check his action. What if there were more? So Edward decided to peer into the creature's mind before chowing down on him. However, this proved more difficult than the vampire had expected. The creature must've had just as 'private' a mind as his own wife did. Well, that was just great. It meant that Edward would have to try to find out what he wanted to know the old fashioned way.
"Oh, I'm not a doctor- though my father is... Tell me, where did you learn to speak English, Mr?"
"The name's Bunny... Bugs Bunny," the creature replied, doing his best impersonation of Sean Connery. Then Bugs dropped the impersonation, and his voice return to normal. "And, Er... where I come from, we can all speak English." He shrugged as if it was no big deal.
"Oh, really? And... where might that be?" Edward asked.
"The center of the Earth," Bugs answered, again shrugging as if living in the center of the Earth was a completely normal, plausible thing.
"Yeah, right," Edward scoffed sarcastically, "and I'm a Romanian prince."
Bugs stood up, obviously offended. "Listen, Mac, you asked the question. Don't blame me if you don't like the answer."
"Look, Bunny. Contrary to what Jules Verne wrote, the center of the Earth is a solid iron core, surrounded by molten iron and nickel- not a tropical oasis capable of supporting life."
"Oh really? And when was the last time you were there?" Bugs asked.
"Didn't you hear what I just said? It's surrounded by molten iron and nickel. Even without taking the immense pressure into consideration, you... you just can't go there! You'd never survive!"
"Yeah, says you." Bugs replied.
And Edward had had enough. Obviously the 'rabbit' was just a complete looney. And since the creature wasn't giving him any useful information, the vampire decided to just kill him, drink his blood and be done with it. Edward hissed and dove at Bugs.
But fortunately, the rabbit saw the vampire coming. Bugs let out a sharp yelp and then, instantly, vanished into the brown dirt.
Edward stopped and stared quizzically at the new hole. It... it just didn't make sense. No creature alive could've dug it that fast. Not even another vampire could've dug it that fast. And what was even stranger was that the rabbit hadn't seemed to have dug it at all. It... It had just appeared underneath him, and he'd vanished into it.
As Edward continued staring, a form came up behind him. "Er... whatcha looking at, Mac?"
The vampire was still so stunned by the rabbit's disappearance that his brain didn't register the fact that he sensed nothing from the mind of the one behind him. So, not realizing who was talking, Edward simply answered the question. "A wascally wabbit went down that hole, and I'm trying to figure out how he did it," Edward replied, briefly wondering why he'd referred to Bugs as a 'wascally wabbit'. The vampire had never had a speech impediment before.
"Oh really?" The voice behind him questioned. "And did he have long ears, like these?" Bugs asked as he held out his ears.
"Ahuh." Edward replied and nodded, only just starting to come out of his daze. "Hey, wait a minute."
Then the rabbit turned around, displaying his tail and continued, "And a fluffy little tail, like thi-" Bugs' question ended in a strangling sound as Edward clamped his hands down on the rabbit's neck.
"Do you take me for a fool?!" The vampire roared as he choked the rabbit, flinging his body back and forth so that his head jerked like a bobble-head novelty toy.
And for a moment it looked as if the Warner Brother's corporation would have to find itself a new mascot. However, much to Daffy's chagrin, a somewhat pale looking woman entered the clearing; and Edward ceased his brutal strangling, though he did still keep his hands locked around Bugs' neck.
"Oh, Edward, there you are? I've been looking for you."
"Bella! Ah, greetings!" Edward exclaimed, so startled by his wife's sudden appearance that he almost forgot to be his usual, former and proper self.
"Uh... what are you doing to that strange looking creature?" Bella asked as she noticed Bugs.
"Oh, nothing. I'm just... just getting ready for dinner."
"But... but it looks like you're choking him?"
"H-help me, please." Bugs managed to, very quietly, whine.
Bella's eyes went wide. "Did... did that funny looking animal just talk?" She asked.
Edward quickly hid the rabbit behind his back. "Bella, don't be ridiculous," the vampire husband attempted to lie smoothly. "You know animals can't talk."
Defying the normal laws of physics, Bugs somehow managed to pull a small, hand-held blowtorch from his pocket. He quickly ignited it; and, just as his world was starting to fade into blackness, the rabbit held the blue flame up to one of Edward's hands.
"Ah!" The vampire screamed, after a brief moment, and reflexively released his grip on the rabbit. Bugs took full advantage of this reprieve. He dove back into the brown dirt just as Bella started running to Edward's side.
"Oh, darling, are you okay? What... what happened?" The wife asked worriedly as she cupped her husband's hands.
"I'm fine," Edward replied. "But I think that wascally wabbit burned me," he continued, sounding indignant.
Bella raised an eyebrow. "Are... are you sure you're okay?"
"I said I'm fine!" Edward growled as he thought of the terrible things he was going to do to that rabbit once he caught it again.
And in a borrow, deep underground, Bugs Bunny rubbed his aching neck. Then he turned his head, looking at the wall of brown dirt as if he could see right through it. "Of course you realize, this means war!" The rabbit spoke to the wall... almost as if there was some kind of an audience watching him from the other side.
(Well, what did you think of the first chapter? Please review and let me know if you liked it, thanks. I'm planing on one more and hoping to have it up within a few days... It will likely be wackier than this one. LoL
Have a good day, and God bless.