Of Course you Realize, this Means war!
AN: I'd like to give a special thanks to Lila (Lion in the Land) for pointing out the biggest goofs I made with Edward in the first chapter. I'm afraid I don't know much about the Twilight series, and her information gave me the ability to make Edward more IC last chapter. I really appreciate all of her help. :) … Of course, I take full responsibility for any errors that may still exist with his characterization. ;)
The rabbit dug; he burrowed his way deep into the city of Forks, Washington. There he found a costume supply store. And after somehow managing to tunnel up through the building's foundation and appearing within, Bugs looked around at all the outfits. The rabbit raised and lowered his eyebrows mischievously.
Bugs cobbled together two costumes that he thought would suit his purposes perfectly, and then the rabbit made his way back to the forest. He tracked down Edward Cullen, which actually wasn't very hard to do since the other animals had kept track of the vampire's movements and were only too happy to point Bugs in the right direction.
When Bugs located the vampire, the bunny silently popped out of the ground. He dressed himself in a 'penguin' suit and donned a long black opera cape. The rabbit rolled his long ears back and tucked the ends down behind his cape. And, finally, the creature stuck a set of false teeth in his mouth. Bugs snickered slightly.
Edward was feeling depressed as he sat on a large tree stump. The 'wascally wabbit' was still out there... somewhere. And despite the vampire's best efforts, he hadn't found hide... nor 'hare' of the strange creature. That bunny was going to spoil everything. They'd all be eating insects by the end of the week, he was sure of it.
It was then, while Edward was wallowing in self pity, that an unmistakable figure crept up behind the sulking vampire. It loomed over him, casting an ominous shadow in the pale moonlight. Edward was shocked as he noticed the shadow. The vampire quickly spun around and exclaimed, "Count Dracula!"
There was a sudden flash of lightning and a crash of thunder. Bugs grabbed the right side of his cape and pulled it in front of the lower half of his body. "Blah... Yes, it is I, Count Dracula," the rabbit said imitating the tone he'd heard from old, vampire horror flicks. "And word has reached me, in Transylvania, that you... American vampires have been lax in your duties. Blah."
Edward tried to sound brave as he stood up and asked, "And what duties might those be?" His tone was defiant, but he couldn't keep his voice from cracking. Being confronted by the No-Life King was a scary thing, even for another vampire... even a snobbish one like Edward.
"I hear you've been preying on animals. Are you really so weak that you can not catch a human or so utterly repulsive to them that, failing to catch one, seducing them is also beyond your means?"
"Certainly not." Edward looked insulted. "We are faster than them, stronger than them. And as far as seduction goes, with my voice alone, I could bring any woman to her knees," the Cullen boasted with pride.
"Indeed?" the 'Count' replied, sounding unconvinced. "Then why have you been preying on animals?"
Edward seemed somewhat taken off guard by the question. "Be-because, feeding off humans is... It's wrong."
"W-w-wrong?!" the Count shouted, his tone both furious and insulting. "You are a vampire. You are suppose to feed off humans. Hasn't anyone ever explained the food-chain to you? Animals eat plants. Humans eat animals. Vampires eat humans... and a few of the more ancient nosferatu eat the younger vampires," the Count commented, and licked his fangs suggestively at the last part.
"Now, if vampires start going around eating animals it upsets the balance of everything. Then who's going to keep the human population in check? They'll run rampant and then, do to the fact that they're now sharing their own food supply with vampires, famine will spread across the land. They'll be a war between humans and vampires, a war such as has not been seen in a millennium. And we will be forced to destroy them.... or they will be forced to destroy us. And then what happens? Even if we win, we lose. Vampires can't reproduce sexually... at least not under normal circumstances. Without the humans, we will eventually wither and die out. And it will all come about because the members of some foolish, American clan decided that they knew better than the vampire elders who drafted our code!!!" the Count shouted and was now slowly advancing on the Cullen.
Edward, subconsciously backed away. "I-I never th-thought about that," he stammered as the Count drew ever closer.
"That is because you are a fool... a fool, from a family of fools. I should just eat you all now and be done with it," the Count replied as Edward's back collided with a tree; and the Cullen looked as if he might wet himself. "However," the Count continued after a brief pause, "I would just as soon not have your idiotic voices swimming through my mind. So... I will give you one last chance. Go back to your family. Convince them to leave the animals alone. Straighten yourselves out before I am forced to solve the problem myself." The Count growled before finishing, "Do I make myself clear?"
And Edward, dumbly nodded his head. The Count turned back. He started to walk away, grumbling to himself about how disgusting and unworthy the knew generation of vampires were; and Edward breathed a sigh of relief. And that... that was when one of Bugs' ears came loose and sprang up.
Edward's eyes widened briefly and then narrowed into little slivers. "You!!!" he growled in anger, at having been made a fool of, and leapt at the rabbit.
"Yikes!" Bugs exclaimed and disappeared into the ground just as Edward was about to tackle him.
The Cullen rolled for a moment, and a grin spread over his face as he thought he'd finally caught the bunny. However, as Edward looked at what he was holding in his hand, he discovered that he'd succeeded only in snatching up the 'wascally wabbit's' Count Dracula disguise. "Ohhhhhhhhh!" he fumed. "Dat's da last straw," the normally calm, cool and collected vampire grumbled, too angered to even realize that his new speech impediment seemed to be getting worse. Throwing caution to the wind, Edward ran over and dove into Bugs' newest burrow.
But bugs was already a good distance away. The rabbit stood next to another opening in the ground and quickly changed into his second costume. He dressed himself in a tight, black dress, rolled up his long ears and covered them with a long, blonde wig. Then he made up his face until it bore, in his own opinion, a striking resemblance to a Glamor cover girl's.
"And now for the final touch," Bugs said as he pulled a bottle of perfume from his pocket. He just held the bottle up for a moment, almost as if displaying the label which read 'Odeur De Swan'. Then the rabbit began to spray himself.
Crawling through the tight underground tunnels, Edward couldn't see a thing. He was guided purely by his sense of smell, a sense that he used to track the 'wascally wabbit's' path through the underground labyrinth. "You can run, but you can't hide," the vampire said with conviction. "Sooner or later, I will find you," he asserted and took another deep breath. But this time Edward caught the scent of something other than the bunny he was chasing. He smelt a heavenly aroma, one he'd thought had been forever lost to him the day he turned Bella.
Entranced by this new aroma, Edward forgot about his search for Bugs, forgot about his marriage to Bella, forgot about everything else in the world. It all seemed to drift away from him, driven from his conscious mind by the only thing that seemed to matter... that scent- that heavenly, intoxicating, delicious scent. And he followed it; he would've follow it to the very ends of the earth if need be. However, such a long journey proved unnecessary.
Edward emerged from the ground a few moments later and found the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen standing next to the hole his head was sticking out of. "Well, hello, Stranger. Have you stopped by to visit little, old me?" The woman asked, and Edward nodded.
"Well then, hadn't you better come on up out of that hole and get yourself on over here?" Bugs cooed in his best imitation of a feminine, Southern accent; and Edward scrambled to obey.
When the vampire reached the 'girl', 'she' batted her eyes and continued, "It's my eighteenth birthday party, you know..." The girl paused and motioned towards a large cake... a large cake with eighteen, already lit, red candles. "Did you bring me a present?"
"Oh, I'll give you a present alright," Edward replied in a husky, suggestive voice.
"My, aren't you the cheeky one?" the girl asked as she pinched the vampire's cheek. She then laughed, and roughly smacked it.
"Hey!" Edward exclaimed and rubbed his red cheek. But the girl simply laughed again, like it was just a little teasing gesture. And Edward's anger seemed to vanish.
The girl reached down and cupped the vampire's face, slowly drawing it closer to hers. "Now, close your eyes, and I'll give you a big surprise," she whispered; and Edward did as she instructed.
Bugs then quickly released the vampire's face and dove into the ground again.
Edward, still having his eyes closed and not having seen the 'girl' leave, commented, "Okay, I'm ready for my surprise." As if on cue, the cake exploded with the force of eighteen sticks of TNT; and Edward's body parts went flying all over the place.
It took the vampire nearly fifteen minutes to pull himself back together again; and, by then, he knew that the bunny would be long gone once more. Frustrated and enraged, Edward looked up at the night sky and shouted. "Hey, Stephenie! I just got defeated by a wascally wabbit? What gives?! I thought we had an arrangement! Why are you doing this to me?! Steeepppphhh-"
The scene shifted to reveal a teenage, very pale looking, girl sitting at a writing desk. The girl had delicate features. A pillbox hat rested atop her head; and her, almost ghostly white, face was framed by long, raven locks of hair.
On the desk was an open manuscript for the latest Twilight novel; and the girl used the tip of her pencil to gently fold the older pages over the newer ones, silencing the drawn out scream that was flowing from the last page. Then she sat back and smiled for a moment.
But the smile quickly faded, and the girl's blue eyes flashed red as she turned to face a bound and gagged figure in the corner. "And now, to deal with you." The creature cooed, in a velvety... but very masculine sounding voice.
And Stephanie Meyer struggled against her bonds. "Hmmmphm," the Twilight authoress screamed into her gag as the girl slowly began to approach her.
"Now, now, what are you so worried about?" the 'teenage girl' asked as she dissolved into a mass of swirling shadows. "You've been writing vampire stories for years," a disembodied voice continued; and a seven foot, red clothed male, wearing a fedora hat, emerged from the shadows. "Just think of this as research for your next book," the creature finished as he towered over the helpless authoress.
Okay, I guess the very end got a little bit darker than I'd intended... But at least Alucard (Count Dracula, for those of you who aren't Hellsing fans) did imply that miss Meyers would survive the encounter, right? Well, now that it's over, what did you think? Did you enjoy it? Should I up the ratting to a 'T'? Please review and let me know. Thanks.
Have a good day, and God bless.