Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from Twilight. They are property of Stephenie Meyer. I just like to have a little fun with them.
Chapter 27 – Whiskey, Raisins and Monkey Spunk
The drive home seemed to take forever. Edward hadn't spoken another word since pulling away from the hospital and just sat slumped in his seat looking out the window in a sulk. Only moving when I changed the radio station to something he didn't approve of.
Trying to concentrate on the road ahead, I couldn't help but take sneaky glances to my side and at the sulking overgrown child in the passenger seat. Fiddling with his seatbelt and picking invisible fluff off his pants, I could see he was mulling over having to face his father and deal with the embarrassment of Emmett ultimately finding out because, as we've found out in the past, things never seem to stay secret for long in our circle of friends and family.
"Quit staring at me Swan," he said, casting his eyes towards me seemingly sensing my obtrusive stares.
"I'm not staring," I replied, trying to hold in the giggle rising in my throat. As funny as the whole situation might be I could never show my amusement until his royal highness saw the bright side.
"Whatever," Edward mumbled back scratching his hair and pulling at the ends. Watching him pull at his coif I tightened the grip on the steering wheel, avoiding the urge the smack his hands away and scold him. All that tugging on the front of his hair can't be good and the last thing I want is to end up with a bald boyfriend at eighteen.
"Oh stop sulking," I chuckled not bothering to look at his reaction, knowing full well I would be on the receiving end of a death glare.
"I'm not sulking," he stated, folding his arms across his chest and exhaling sharply whilst wiggling his ass slightly trying to get comfortable.
"Right. Anyway, if anyone's got any reason to sulk right now it's me," I stated poking my index finger in his arm. "For one, I didn't get the 'Cullen Special' I had been waiting for, and two, I'm going to have to rethink your Christmas present now."
At the mere mention of Christmas his head snapped towards me and I had his full attention. Edward was always the complete opposite of me. Whereas I hated the whole present thing – firstly I'm crap at thinking of things to buy, and second I hate getting things from people through fear of being disappointed and not being a good enough actress to pull off the whole 'Oh you shouldn't have' thing without it coming out as being false – Edward looked forward to the whole thing and was like a toddler on Christmas morning with paper flying around his body.
"Christmas?" he asked, looking intrigued with a grin on his face.
"Well, yeah," I sighed, shrugging my shoulders and putting my attention back to the road. "I'm going to have to send that butt plug back now and think of something completely new." I looked back towards Edward unable to stop the smirk on my lips upon noticing the horrified look on his face.
"W-w-what?" he spluttered, trying to comprehend what I had said before it dawned on him and his relaxed into a mild state of hysterics. "Very funny Swan. Just get me home and by the way, you're the one rubbing cream into my ass later."
"What was that about 8:30 Rose was shouting about?" I called to Edward from the kitchen as I cooked dinner. I had a vague recollection of something happening tonight but that was as far as my attention went on the particular topic.
"What?" Edward shouted, back clearly utilising his selective hearing when lounging on the sofa and watching something very boring and sports orientated.
Picking up the pan of pasta sauce I walked into the lounge I stood in front of the TV intentionally blocking his view. "I said, what's all this about 8:30 that Rose was talking about earlier?"
"We're supposed to be going out with them tonight," he replied pushing against my hip to move me to the side and out of his line of sight.
"And?" I pressed, moving back to my original position and stirring the sauce only to given a blank stare accompanied by a huff as he sat up to face me.
"How am I supposed to know? I'm a guy, we don't take care of specifics. We're simply told to be at a certain place, at a certain time and what to wear." He had shifted to the side and was watching the TV behind me without taking his eyes from the screen. Noticing this sneaky move, I side stepped once more, moving forward at the same time obstructing his view completely.
"Well you're a lot of use Cullen," I scolded, holding out the wooden spoon to his mouth. "And taste." Without hesitation he tried the sauce and hummed his approval. "Well dinner will be done in about five minutes so turn the TV off and come into the kitchen," I ordered as I walked back out of the room.
"Whoah! When did I become a fifties housewife?" I thought as I stood in the kitchen looking back at the inanimate object that was Edward Cullen with his eyes glued to the tube.
"Edward will you get your ass in here before dinner gets cold!" I shouted at the top of my lungs while dishing up our meals and putting an extra-large serving away for Charlie when he got home from work late. I'd no doubt he wouldn't have had anything nutritious all day, unless you class vending machine snacks as part of a balanced diet.
"I just want to see the final score he called as his butt came into view, walking backwards and craning his neck to eke out the remainder of the game.
"The blue team wins. It's an old game that Charlie watched the other day," I stated purposely trying to spoil his fun.
"Oh thanks Swan. Is that your technical take on the whole thing? The 'blue team'?" he huffed as he flounced into the dining chair before jumping up and cursing like a sailor. He'd obviously forgotten about his little problem around the back. The look on his face, one of shock and pure horror, caused me to nearly choke on the food in my mouth. Chugging down my glass of water I raised my eyebrows at him.
"Just eat your food," he chuckled before throwing spaghetti at my head, shoving a whole meatball in his mouth and giving me a wide meaty grin.
"Oh charming. I'm such a lucky girl," I moaned in jest as I pulled the pasta from the front of my hair and began eating.
"Too right you are." He winked. "Oh and I phoned Rose. It's a party slash OAP outing at her parents' house tonight or something. We're all under strict orders to be there as she can't bear the thought of being surrounded by the wrinklies all night."
"But what about your…" I began before being cut off by Edward.
"Let's get something straight before we get there. We will not mention the fact that I currently have two ass holes. Today will simply be referred to as 'the incident we do not mention'. Got it?" he ordered, pointing his fork at me stifling a grin. I simply responded with a salute as I cleared the dirty dishes to the sink and asked what time it was before spinning around and dropping one to the floor.
"What time did you say it was?" I exclaimed, picking the plate up quickly and glancing at the clock to double check and ensure I had heard Edward correctly.
"7:30 why?" he replied walking towards me to pick up the dirty cutlery that had also hit the floor.
"Because we now have one hour to get ready and get there. That's why!" I shouted, slapping my forehead with my hand and looking at the clock once more.
The cardinal rule when it came to attending anything at Rose's parents' house was that you arrive on time. Arriving early or, god forbid, late is simply not acceptable and I was not willing to make that mistake for a third time. I still have to put up with Rose's mother making comments about my punctuality following my arrival one hour late for some candlelit supper soirée they held last year. I couldn't help that my beast of a truck decided to die on me that night.
"Just go get ready now and we'll swing past mine on the way so I can get changed," Edward interrupted my thoughts as he pushed me towards the stairs.
"But we still won't have time," I sighed turning around and pressing my, now sweaty, palms against his chest. "By the time I get showered and dressed and then get to yours and you get showered and dressed we won't have time to drive to the party," I fretted.
"OK, you just gabbled a load of stuff I didn't hear," he laughed, spinning me around again and pushing me up the stairs with his hands on my ass. "And if you carry on with this whirling dervish routine in the hallway we'll be even later." I saw a mischievous look in his eye as he finished and we'd got to the top of the stairs.
"What?" I asked with a frown knowing that no good could come from his train of thought right now considering our timing issues.
"Well I know of a way we can cut down on shower time," he leered, raising one of his eyebrows at me, not moving his hands from my ass even though I had been safely upstairs for some time.
"Fine, but we've gotta be quick and keep your hands to yourself Cullen," I sighed as I grabbed his hand and ran towards the bathroom glancing at the clock once again. "Shit, only 50 minutes left!"
"See I told you we'd get here on time," Edward grinned tapping the clock on his dash. "With two minutes to spare as well. This baby never lets me down."
As he leaned down to kiss the steering wheel of his precious Volvo, I just grunted and got out of the car trying to be as graceful as possible. Trying to make a good impression, well no, just trying to be respectable I cursed the skirt and heels I had chosen and for not just wearing my usual chucks and jeans.
"Stop fidgeting, you look beautiful," Edward whispered in my ear as we stood outside the Hales' front door. His hand rested on the small of my back in a gesture of support probably through fear of me making a complete tit of myself and falling into the giant planter next to me. It had been known but to be fair it was after a stupid round of 'let's try and beat Emmett at a drinking game' and I didn't break any bones.
Before I had time to change my mind the door swung open and Rose dragged me inside looking quite flustered and very pissed off. Dressed in a stunning red dress that fell just below her knee, and hugged every curve God had graciously bestowed upon her, she looked like she had fallen straight out of some 1950's glamour shoot. Her blonde hair had been loosely curled and hung around her shoulders.
"About fucking time!" she hissed as she closed the door behind us. "I have been surrounded by old cronies and I swear I could feel them leeching my hormones from my body!"
"Good to see you too Rose," Edward announced, standing behind me looking around the entrance hall which had been decorated in dark blue and silver. Smaller than the Cullen's house but no less impressive, it was decorated immaculately. Nothing is ever out of place at the Hales. Rose attributes it to her mother's OCD tendencies but, personally, I just put it down to having enough money for a maid who's too afraid to leave a speck of dust in her wake.
"Yeah, Emmett and Jasper are in the kitchen," Rose said dismissing Edward and waving her hand behind her. "Right, Alice is in the bathroom so we're going to have to do the rounds to be polite with the family and shit and then we're disappearing," she whispered as we walked into the large lounge filled with people dressed in suits sipping champagne and making polite conversation. Yeah this wasn't going to be at all uncomfortable.
Glancing around the room, I spotted what could only be described as a human raisin sitting in one of the chairs and pouring hard liquor from a flask into her glass of juice. "It's Grandma's eightieth birthday today," Rose explained as we made our way through the crowd and were joined by Edward and the others. I glanced up at Edward who was scrunching his nose looking at the relic sitting in front of us.
"Grandma, this is Bella and Edward. You remember them?" Rose said crouching down slightly and shouting. After what seemed like an eternity she glanced up at us through her glaucoma riddled eyes and smiled, beckoning us down towards her. I tentatively crouched slightly to wish her happy birthday as her arms flung around my neck and pulled me towards her bony body. My face was pressed into the side of her neck and my senses were engulfed by the smell of whiskey and overpowering old lady perfume.
"Bella, good to see you again," she laughed as I tried to stand back up before poking me in the stomach. "You've put some weight on. You want to be careful. You don't want to end up fat like our Rosie." Not knowing what to say, not being able to comprehend how anyone could even come close to thinking Rose was fat, I simply made a hasty retreat and hid behind Alice who handed me a much needed glass of champagne. I looked over towards Rose who was just scowling at Yoda's stunt double.
Next up was Edwards turn to take the plunge. As he stepped forward Emmett grabbed the back of his jacket. "Dude, keep your lips tight!" he warned. "I swear she tried to slip me some tongue earlier." Edward just stared at him with his mouth agape and a look of terror in his eyes.
He slowly walked towards her staring at me with pleading eyes. I wasn't going to rescue him. If I had to go through the ordeal he was too. Bending down, I could see him shifting between feet obviously trying to work out how to do this with keeping as much distance between them as possible.
Peeking over Alice's shoulder I couldn't help giggling at his uncomfortable stance. I knew exactly what was going through his mind and that was the best bit. As Edward got closer and tried to place a polite peck on her cheek a hand flew up and pressed into the back of his head grabbing his hair and planting his lips directly on hers. With arms stretched and supporting himself on the chair I could see the muscles in his back twitch before he released himself and practically ran out of the room.
As we all ran into the kitchen we were confronted by Edward using his glass of champagne as mouthwash over the sink and wiping his tongue with a napkin.
"She fucking tongued me! I swear I even felt her false teeth shift!" he exclaimed, looking green around the gills as we all collapsed into a fit of hysterics. "Oh God! That's just one step away from necrophilia!" he groaned downing his drink and grabbing a fresh one.
"I told ya dude, you should have kept your lips tight." Emmett shuddered next to me obviously recalling his brush with death earlier.
"Edward," I cooed as I walked towards him. "Will you still love me when I'm old and wrinkly?"
"If you kiss me like that? No fucking way!" he laughed wrapping his arms around me and kissing the top of his head. "Jazz, did you get the Granny treatment?" Edward asked looking over my head at a smug looking Jasper.
"Nope, I'm not stupid. Been there done that. Apparently I've got a virus and I'd hate for someone as fragile as her to catch it from me." He winked grabbing a fresh drink from the waiter walking past. I had to admire Jaspers forward thinking but I couldn't really blame him. His last brush with the 'Grimm Reaper' involved her grabbing his junk and giving it a squeeze. I don't think he's ever fully gotten over being molested by an OAP.
"And this is why I hate family events," Rose laughed flailing her arms around and spinning on her heels towards the other room, grabbing a couple of bottles of champagne and liquor on her way. "Let the real fun begin."
As we all filed into the 'playroom' as Emmett calls it, I took up residence on one of the plush couches with Edward as Emmett started mixing some very strange cocktails at the small bar in the corner.
I could hear the conversations continuing elsewhere in the house and was more than thankful that we didn't have to be a part of it. Whereas I could talk freely to Edward's family, it just wasn't the case with Rose's. Her mother scared the life out of me and her father is nothing more than a dirty old pervert who gets very handsy after a drink.
As Rose turned some music on, Edward shifted and pulled me into his lap. His hands traced random patterns down my thigh and he hummed into my neck. Knowing exactly where this was headed and not wanting to explain any stains on his black pants I turned towards him to tell him off when he leaned forward to kiss me. I pulled backwards and shook my head causing him to frown and look confused.
"I'm not kissing you with that mouth. I know where it's been," I laughed placing my finger on his lips. "How's your ass?" I whispered in his ear with a slight chuckle.
"Sore, I think the anaesthetic is wearing off slightly. You can kiss it better if you like," he grinned nuzzling the side of my neck.
"Actually that's probably the better deal. It's cleaner than your mouth right now!" I smiled, pushing against him and sitting back on the sofa next to Alice who was flicking through a stack of CD's.
"Very true Swan, very true," Edward agreed as he got up to see what vile concoctions Emmett was inventing.
As I sat on the couch refilling my glass, Alice lay down with her head on my lap and a pensive look on her face. "What's up tinker?" I asked pushing her hair away from her bleary eyes. She had obviously been making the most of the open bar long before we had arrived. She simply shook her head before glancing over towards the guys mixing brightly coloured drinks and Rose telling them off for doing it wrong after sampling them.
"Oh it's nothing," she sighed, turning over to face my stomach.
"Well it's obviously something," I said, brushing her hair back and playing with it between my fingers. "I know you too well Ms Cullen-soon-to-be-Whitlock."
"I'm just gonna miss this. You know, just this" she slurred, slightly waving her hand around the room. "When we all go to college and you and Edward go travelling things will be different." A tear rolled down her cheek and I brushed it away with my thumb before wiping my own tears. Things would be different and looking at my five best friends who were currently getting sloshed, it hit me just how much I was going to miss us. Just the six of us hanging out and doing stupid shit.
"Yeah it will be different. Different isn't bad though. We'll all still have each other and you know I'll always just be a phone call…and maybe a couple of plane rides away." I sighed as I downed my drink and pushed Alice off my lap, albeit a little hard, causing her to land on the floor. "Let's see what those fuckwits are up to."
Pulling her up by her arm, we made our way over to the bar which was lined two deep with some very strangely coloured, and some rather lumpy drinks.
"Right Bells!" Emmett shouted dropping his arm around my shoulder. "What would you like?" He stretched his arm out along the bar looking rather proud of what they'd made.
"Erm, I don't know. What's least lethal and won't cause alcoholic poisoning?" I asked, nervously sniffing at a drink that I swear singed my nose hair.
"I can't promise anything Bella!" Jasper slurred next to me, his tongue red from sampling the delights during creation. As I looked at him, I saw a decidedly nasty looking concoction at the end of the bar. "It's like roulette. You never know which drink is gonna kill you," he laughed tipping his drink towards me and leaning back against the bar.
"Ok, fine. You can choose a drink for me Jasper….if you drink…this" I said picking up the glass containing what could only be described as being filled with what looked to be a combination of phlegm and jizz.
"Ah, that's the good one!" Edward cheered from behind me. "We like to call it 'Monkey Spunk'."
"Deal," Jasper called, grabbing the drink from the side just as Alice screamed and tried to grab it away from him. Missing him by inches he downed the drink before looking queasy. With no warning he appeared to erupt. Truly erupt with the 'Monkey Spunk' flying back across the room and splattering over a family portrait on the end table. I braced myself for Rose to bitch the life out of him and castrate him on the spot, but she simply collapsed to the floor - spilling her drink in a fit of hysterics followed by Alice.
"What the hell is going on in here?" a voice bellowed from the doorway. I craned my neck past Jasper (who was picking some remaining lumps off his shirt) to see a very pissed off Mr Hale. "Party's over. Time to go home," he ordered, simply pointing to the hallway.
Without a word uttered, we managed to file towards the front door and stood trying not to giggle as Jasper was dragged by Emmett and Edward. As far as I knew Rose was still collapsed on the floor and the reaming she was about to get from her father wasn't something I was willing to witness. My head was fuzzy and I just wanted to lie down.
"Bella, I take it you're going home. Edward, Alice you too?" he asked as we stood giggling like naughty children.
"No, erm…I'll go back to Bella's if that's ok Mr Hale," Edward stuttered trying to talk as normally as possible but failing miserably.
"Fine, well I'll drive you two back and my brother will take the other two," he sighed as he walked out of the door and towards his new shiny beamer.
Following behind him clumsily, we filed into the back of the car as he opened all the windows and stared at us in disgust through the rear-view mirror. The short drive was agony. If I thought Edward was a fast and choppy driver he had nothing on this man. With every turn I felt like my stomach was going to come out of my mouth. Edward simply lay back with his eyes closed. Settling my head on his shoulder I tried the same trick.
"Is your father not home Bella?" Mr Hale asked as we pulled up to the house. The cruiser wasn't on the drive so I breathed a sigh of relief. I didn't fancy having to face Charlie right now. Not with being dropped home by my friends Dad whilst off my tits at a birthday party for an eighty year old. I'm sure he'll hear about it but I'll deal with that in the morning, after a good amount of painkillers and fluids.
"No, he must still be at work. We'll be fine," I reassured as I dragged Edward out of the car and towards the house.
After eventually opening the door and haphazardly making our way upstairs, I deposited Edward in my room and went to brush my teeth. Staring in the mirror, I tried to join the two faces together. Since when did I have three eyes? Making my way towards my room I kicked my shoes off and pushed open the door. Edward was on his back sprawled out on my bed naked as the day he was born.
"Er, excuse me?" I scolded, as I stood and took in the sight before me. It might have been sexy if not for the fact that he still had his shoes and socks on and a raging boner.
"Come to bed," he slurred patting the bed next to him. "I need some Bella."
"You're fucked," I laughed as I stumbled towards my dresser discarding my clothes on my way so I was left in my underwear. Turning around I looked back at him; raised up on his elbows with a frown on his face. "What's up with you?"
"Why aren't you naked yet?" he sulked "I want to see my girls. I missed them tonight".
Crossing my arms over my chest I looked him up and down and managed to tear my eyes away long enough from his crotch to see his feet. "Why have you still got your shoes on?"
"I was saving the best 'til last," he slurred trying to sit up straight and kicking them off along with his socks. "Is that better?"
"Much," I laughed walking over to him and throwing a blanket over his body. My mind and body were playing havoc with me. As much as the room span the only thing I could think of was ravaging him where he lay, barely conscious.
Crawling under the blanket I snuggled up to his warm body. His arms wrapped around me and pulled me on top of his body. I could feel his hard-on pressing against me as I straddled his hips. Unsure as to whether the fuzzy feeling in my legs was from the alcohol or him, I decided to go with the latter as that seemed to have the better ending.
His hands made short work of my bra as I leaned down to brush my lips against his. Surely the alcohol would have killed any old lady bugs by now. I doubt much could resist what he'd been drinking tonight. If there was a nuclear holocaust the only things remaining would be cockroaches and Edward Cullen. Deepening the kiss, his hands made their way to my panties as he pulled them down my thighs. I could feel him pressed against me and the sudden contact cleared my head slightly.
Leaning up, I scooted off his body and towards the bedside table. "Aw come on Bells. Please don't tell me the only action I'm seeing tonight is from someone who should have been buried back in 1999," he moaned at the loss of contact. Reaching into the drawer I pulled out a condom and made quick work of rolling it on him.
Through my hazy mind it felt like his hands were everywhere and I was only vaguely aware of being on my back. How drunk must I really be? Ah who cares? It would be worth the hangover. As his weight rested on my body I could feel him pressing against me and gave him a helping hand. In one short thrust he was buried in me. Gasping at the intrusion I gripped hold of his shoulders. This wasn't going to be a gentle Edward tonight and I was glad.
"Fuck me, Bella" he gasped in my ear as he began slow deep thrusts. He had never shown this side of him before. There was to be no concern. This was pure fucking.
"I am!" I laughed as he attacked my mouth with his. I could feel my orgasm building as I wrapped my legs around his waist and his tempo sped up. His hand travelled up my thigh until it reached my calf. Gripping onto it he lifted my leg and held it up towards my head. The change in position was my undoing. In what seemed like a matter of seconds my world came crashing down around me.
"Jesus fucking Christ!" I cried as he continued pounding, his sweaty fringe falling on my face. His breaths became more ragged as he got closer. Holding the headboard in one hand and my leg in another, he came hard growling my name in my ear over and over - finally pummelling my head into the headboard on the last thrust.
"Damn that's gonna leave a concussion!" I laughed, rubbing the top of my head and playing with the back of Edwards hair and he lay on top of me trying to catch his breath.
"What the fuck is going on in here!" A voice bellowed from the doorway. My eyes shot to the side to see Charlie standing pointing a gun at us still wearing his uniform and almost purple in the face with rage.
"Holy shit!" Edward squeaked as he jumped off me and hit the floor on the other side of the bed.
"Answer me young lady! What the hell do you think you're doing?" Charlie snarled as he lowered his gun and put it back in the holster. Gathering the sheets around my body I said the first thing that came to mind.
Well, there you have it kiddies! All finished. I hope the ending hasn't pissed off too many people. You never know, there may be a sequel one day...
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