This is actually really old. I found it on my computer and was amused beyond all reason. It's severely fucked up, but it's fucking funny. So I'm going to finish it and have a damn fun time with it.

Disclaimer: Me own? Ha...haha...hahahahahahahahahahahahaha! ...ha...

Warning: You will never look at Chocobos the same way again. Smut, drunk monsters, insanity (medical not figurative), I guess kind of noncon, but not really, drugging, egg laying (nondescript), I guess, technically, mpreg, but it's weird. Basically just an unbelievable amount of crack.


"Sephiroth!" Zack yelled. He wasn't really surprised when there was no reply, he had been looking for the silver haired General for the past few hours and he hadn't responded yet.

"Zack," the blond at his side said softly, "I don't think we're going to find him."

"Nah Spiky," the SOLDIER waved away his own growing doubt, "We just need to look a little longer. Why don't we go check out that creepy old mansion?"

Cloud gave his CO a weird look, one that said 'I hope to god you're kidding'. Zack just smiled prettily, giving the trooper the look that had gotten even Angeal to crumble. The blond just raised an eyebrow in question before throwing his own pout into the ring. Ten minutes of pouting contest later Zack broke. "Shut the fuck up!" the SOLDIER yelled.

"I wasn't saying anything," Cloud said, an immensely pleased expression on his face.

"I order you to come and investigate the mansion with me," Zack glared.

"Oh that is so not fair!" the blond pouted, but followed behind the brunet none the less.

The mansion was in desperate need of cleaning and one of the ballrooms was filled with balloon headed monsters that had Cloud screaming and running up the stairs as fast as he could. It took nearly half an hour to convince the blond to come down, mostly because Zack was laughing too hard to stand straight for the majority of the time and then Cloud was angry at him. Once the trooper was coaxed out of the bedroom he had taken sanctuary in, Zack and Cloud set about exploring the first floor, with exception of the balloon head ballroom. It was Cloud who found the secret passage behind the bookcase, he looked about ready to shit himself when the thing suddenly swung open. Something Zack had a good, long laugh about.

"You are the worst boyfriend ever," the blond growled and tossed a book at the brunet, smacking the SOLDIER on the side of the head.

Zack just snickered and led the way down the passage. There weren't too many monsters in the tunnel, but there were quite a few snakes, spiders, bats, and for some reason barrels of wine. This may have been why all the monsters were drunk. When a severely swerving bat got stuck in the blond's spikes Cloud just about had a coronary, screaming about rabis and his hair. Mostly his hair. When the pair managed to get the inebriated bat out of the trooper's hair, Zack could have sworn it flipped them off before flying straight into a wall. When a Genesis clone wandered across the pair the blond screamed, tried to run, found he had no where to go, and promptly kicked the creature in the balls.

"That was a low blow man," Zack said as he stared at the crippled monster.

Cloud just growled and looked about ready to attack the brunet. Recognizing all the signs of sleeping alone for a month, Zack just grinned sheepishly and started down the tunnel again. Opening one of the doors they passed he froze, cerulean eyes wide. "That," the brunet pointed to the coffins in the room, "Is so cool!"

Zack started forward but Cloud grabbed him. "Do not touch the disease infested coffins!" he squeal/whimpered, "We have to find Sephiroth!"

"Oh right," the SOLDIER pouted slightly, "I still want to look in those things when we have time though."

"GO AWAY!" a voice yelled from one of the coffins and both spiky haired males jumped and clung to each other.

"Did the coffin just tell us to go away?" Cloud squeaked.

"YES! AND IT MEANS IT!" the voice yelled again.

Cloud screamed and took off at a dead run down the tunnel, dragging a stunned Zack along with him. Several monsters with wine glasses watched their retreat with amusement. "This is why I don't like humans," a cactuar pointed at the pair as they passed him.

The pair came to a screeching halt when they entered a lab, mostly because of the stunned silver haired man standing by one of the tables. "Seph!" Zack yelled in relief, "We've been looking everywhere for you!"

The General just stared at them blankly for a moment. "What are two Chocobos doing down here?" he finally mused.

"...did he just call us Chocobos?" Cloud whispered.

"I think he did," Zack whispered back. In a louder voice he said, "Seph, what's the matter?"

"Such fine Chocobos too," the silver haired man said almost dreamily, "The feathers on the gold one are exquisite and a rare black Chocobo as well."

"I don't look that much like a Chocobo," Cloud grumbled.

If Sephiroth had heard the trooper's complaint he gave no sign. Instead he started forward as if in a daze. "Such pretty Chocobos," he murmured, "They would have such a beautiful chick."

"Whoa," Zack said, "What the hell is wrong with you?"

Again the silver haired male gave no sign of hearing them, instead moving forward with jerky motions, his hands raised as if he were a zombie. Cloud began to back away, but as soon as he moved Sephiroth shot forward, grabbing him by the hair and pulling the blond back. Zack moved to defend his boyfriend, but quickly found himself in the same predicament. Sephiroth grinned maniacally and began to pull the pair further into the lab. Cloud whimpered pathetically as he was tossed into a holding cell with the flustered brunet. The cell door was slammed shut and the pair exchanged worried glances before moving to the bars to watch the General. He was moving around the lab, collecting vials of strange liquid and occasionally glancing at the pair.

After about ten minutes of tense silence, the silver haired man approached the cell. Cloud shrunk away from Sephiroth while Zack held his ground, glaring at his commanding officer with all his might. "Oh," the General cooed, "Is the hen shy? At least the stud has some nerve."

"I'M NOT A HEN!" Cloud screamed, "I DON'T EVEN LOOK LIKE A GIRL!"

"You do a little bit," Zack shrugged, wincing slightly when a rock was hurled at the back of his head.

"It's too bad it's not mating season," Sephiroth sighed as if he hadn't heard the exchange, "I'll have to induce this."

"Wait," the brunet said dumbly, "You'll have to what now?"

The Silver haired man didn't respond, simply raising a dart gun and loading it. Cloud squealed as a dart hit him in the leg, immediately pulling the offending object out of his thigh. Zack started towards his injured boyfriend when he was struck in the butt by another dart. He let loose a sound that was somewhere between a squeal, squawk, and whimper as he ripped it out of his flesh. The brunet was about to round on Sephiroth when he noticed Cloud had gone a deathly shade of pale, sweat pouring down his face. Just as he started towards his obviously distressed lover, Zack was hit by a wave of nausea. He just had time to watch Cloud collapse before falling unconscious himself.

Cloud groaned slightly as he regained consciousness. He was still in the cell, something that he was none too pleased about, and Sephiroth was sitting just beyond the bars of the door. Sitting up, the blond found his muscles were weaker and he had to use the wall to stay up. Looking around, Cloud's eyes fell on Zack who was just waking up as well. He had crusty eyes, was far too pale, and looked like he was about to throw up. He was also extremely arousing. Cloud couldn't explain it, but he wanted the disgusting mess in front of him so much it hurt. Zack blinked at the blond for a few seconds before he felt his body move.

Cloud let loose an adorable squeak when Zack pounced. Sapphire eyes stared up at the raven haired male in astonishment, his breathe quickening as large hands pushed his shirt up and over his head. "Zack?" the blond asked shakily.

"No talking," the brunet muttered as he claimed Cloud's lips with his own.

The blond let loose another squeak, but didn't try to push Zack off. He was just starting to relax into the kiss when the SOLDIER began to fiddle with the hem of Cloud's pants. The blond's eyes flew open as the garment was pulled away. Trying to back away, the trooper found himself hugged around the waist, unable to escape. Whimpering pathetically, Cloud found himself stripped by the stronger man. The grip on his waist was relinquished, but as soon as the blond attempted to move away Zack took hold of his flaccid length, effectively freezing the blond. Zack growled his approval and the blond shivered slightly.

Keeping a watchful eye on the trooper in his grasp, the SOLDIER shrugged off his clothing. He had a little difficulty with his pants considering he had a rather prominent erection and use of only one hand at the moment. Zack smiled slightly at the stunned expression on Cloud's face.

"You have got to be kidding me!" the trooper yelled as Zack parted his legs.

The raven haired male just grinned and claimed the blond's lips again. Cloud tried to push Zack away, sapphire eyes flicking the General sitting patiently behind the barred door. He squeaked, something that seemed to be becoming a habit, when the hand holding his dick started to move, gently coaxing it to fullness. Cloud squirmed slightly under his boyfriend's ministrations, his eyes flicking back to the silver haired man every now and then. It was actually kind of disturbing him how turned on he was getting with someone watching.

The trooper whimpered pathetically when Zack removed his mouth, leaning up to try to bring them back together. Instead of the raven haired man's lips, Cloud found three fingers thrust into his mouth. Accepting them with a grudging reluctance, his eyes following the brunet as he descended down his body. The blond groaned slightly when a hot mouth covered his right nipple. A cry escaped him when teeth scraped over the sensitive flesh. As the blond's mouth opened to emit the sound Zack thrust his fingers in deeper. Letting his eyes drift shut, Cloud suckled the digits in his mouth.

The brunet smirked against Cloud's chest, slowly making his way further down the blond's abdomen. Swirling his tongue in the trooper's navel, Zack was rewarded by a ragged cry and hands gripping his black spikes. Bringing himself lower, the SOLDIER hovered over Cloud's sex, allowing his breath to ghost over the sensitive flesh. The blond made a low whimpering noise in his throat, his hands tightening in Zack's hair. With a wicked smirk the brunet lowered himself, flicking his tongue out to taste the smaller male.

Cloud cried out as the hot, wet appendage brushed against him before retreating. Scowling at the other man, the blond was about ready to lash out when he felt warmth take in the head of his cock. A scream of pleasure erupted from his throat and Cloud flopped backwards, blank sapphire eyes staring at the ceiling. Zack tongued the slit firmly, drawing a groan from the blond and the salty taste of precum filled his mouth. Smirking ever so slightly, the SOLDIER began to bob his head down in short, controlled motions that he mimicked with his fingers in the blond's mouth.

Cloud squirmed uncontrollably under the brunet, desperately trying to push his hips up into the tight, warm, heat that was slowly surrounding his cock. But Zack just moved with him, gently refusing to take him in at a faster pace. The blond was nearly cross eyed by the time that he felt himself hit the back of the SOLDIER's throat. A desperate cry burst from him when the other male swallowed, the muscles of his throat massaging the head of Cloud's cock. As soon as Cloud's mouth opened to emit the scream, Zack removed his hand, trailing the wet digits down the blond's quivering abdomen.

The trooper nearly jumped out of his skin when he felt Zack's wet finger circling his entrance, but a particularly forceful suck scattered his attention, forcing him to relax long enough for the appendage to slip into his body. Squirming slightly from the sensation of being breached, Cloud began running his fingers through Zack's hair, silently encouraging the larger male to continue. The brunet just hummed around the length in his mouth, causing the blond to cry out and buck his hips. Sapphire eyes slipped closed as the finger within him began to pump cautiously, gently stretching him. Cloud moaned loudly when the digit hooked within him, pressing firmly on his prostate.

Zack grinned broadly, pulling his head back and earning a disappointed whimper as Cloud slipped from his mouth. Making sure to keep his finger within the blond, the SOLDIER repositioned himself, moving so his hips were next to his lover's head before taking the blond back into his mouth. Cloud moaned softly, his eyes blinking open to see Zack's length bobbing in front of his face. Leaning forward slightly, the blond lashed his tongue against the other male's erection, shivering when Zack moaned and introduced a second finger into his body. Taking it as a good sign, Cloud began to work his mouth along the older male's length, sucking and nipping at it lightly before taking the head into his mouth. Tonguing the slit firmly, Cloud moaned slightly, eliciting the same response from his lover. Slowly the blond took Zack in fully, relaxing his throat to allow his lover entrance before swallowing around him.

Zack cried out around the length in his mouth when he felt Cloud deep throat him, jamming a third finger into the blond's entrance and stretching him as fast as he could. Feeling heat coiling in his abdomen, the brunet pulled his length out of the smaller male's mouth while allowing the blond to slip from his own. Moving so that he was kneeling between Cloud's spread thighs, Zack removed his fingers and quickly pushed forward. A cry of half pain errupted from the blond and Zack's head whipped up so he could stare at his lover's face.

"Seems the stud is a little over eager," Sephiroth murmured from his seat, a thoughtful expression on his face, "Maybe I gave him too much testosterone to induce the heat…"

"Baby," Zack breathed, reaching up with his clean hand to cup Cloud's face, "You okay?"

"I…I'm o-okay," Cloud gasped, turning to nuzzle the older male's hand, "Just…just give me a moment."

"Maybe the hen needs more hormone treatment," Sephiroth mused, causing both males in the cell to turn to him, "Yes that's it."

Two sets of blue eyes widened as Sephiroth raised the dart gun once again, shooting Cloud in the side before either male could react. The blond yelped and pulled the dart from his side, a warm heat rushing through his body as the drugs ran through his blood. Before he knew what he was doing, Cloud had wrapped his legs around Zack's waist and grabbed hold of his ass, forcefully pulling the brunet against his body, pushing the length within him deeper. Gasping loudly, the SOLDIER stared down at his lover, taking in the slightly feral expression in Cloud's eyes for only a second before the blond began to grind against him in an almost desperate manner. The smaller male whimpered lightly, one hand moving to stroke Zack's chest, silently begging him to move. With a low growl the brunet began to thrust lightly, watching carefully for any sign of pain in his lover. Rather than with pain, Cloud responded with a soft mewl, arching and pushing himself against the larger male. Speeding up his thrust slightly Zack received much the same reaction, only louder.

The brunet was just about to start a faster pace when a sharp sting spread from his ass. With a growl, Zack grabbed the dart protruding from his skin and glared at Sephiroth for a moment. Then the drugs hit him and his head swung around so he could look down at his writhing mate. With a feral growl the brunet pulled his hips back before snapping them forward harshly. Cloud cried out, his nails raking down Zack's chest and leaving thin red lines in their wake. Moving his other hand up to cup the back of the older male's neck, the blond forced Zack's head down so their lips could meet. The SOLDIER thrust his tongue into Cloud's mouth, growling under his breath as his hips slammed against the smaller male's.

Crying out into Zack's mouth, the blond arched as each thrust brushed against his prostate, the friction of their bodies against his aching erection slowly bringing him closer to climax. Zack was growling almost continuously, the volume increasing with each thrust into the blond. The way Cloud's fingers were practically clawing at him as he writhed and cried out was doing nothing for the SOLDIER's libido, forcing his pace to pick up to almost back breaking. Gripping Cloud's thighs, Zack pulled his lover's legs up, forcing the blond's knees to his chest as he pounded into the smaller male's body. Cloud responded with a near desperate wail, one hand flying between his own legs to stroke himself in time with Zack's thrusts.

Ripping his mouth away from the blond's, Zack bit into Cloud's shoulder with a snarl. Sapphire eyes rolled into the back of his head as the blond climaxed, spraying his seed across the brunet's stomach. Biting down harder and tasting blood, Zack growled feraly as the spasms around his cock pulled him over the edge as well, emptying himself inside his smaller lover. Both males thrust against one another until they were spent before collapsing in a heap. Zack stroked Cloud's face gently, smiling slightly as he watched the blond slowly slip into unconsciousness, a small goofy smile on the blond's face. With a contented sigh, Zack gently pulled out and moved the slumbering blond so he was curled against the brunet's chest before allowing himself to fall asleep as well.

A small movement caused Zack to wake from his slumber, violet eyes blinking open to look down at the blond in his arms. A small frown was creasing Cloud's face as he squirmed uncomfortably against the brunet. "Baby," Zack murmured, "Hey Baby, wake up."

"Zack?" Cloud groaned, his eyes opening to look up at the brunet, "My stomach hurts."

"Okay let me see," the SOLDIER rolled the blond away from him and froze, "Yeah…I'd imagine it does…"

"What?" Cloud frowned before glancing down at his stomach, eyes widening at the large bulge under his skin, "WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO ME?!!!"

"Oh look Mother," a voice said, causing both Zack and Cloud to look towards the bar to their cell. Sitting on the other side was Sephiroth, only now he had a decapitated head on his lap. "The hen is with egg. My treatement worked."

"Za-ack?" Cloud's voice wavered as he reached for the brunet, "It really hurts."

Ten minutes later Zack was pressed against the wall, horror written on his face as he stared at the blond. Cloud was laying exhausted on the floor, sweat drenching his body, and a large purple egg laying next to him. Sephiroth was far too pleased with himself for his own good.


Alright, story behind this. I have no fucking clue where it came from. I literally was chatting with Wolf and she said I should do more Zemyx. I responded that I had a Zemyx food sex story that I needed to edit somewhere on my computer, I just didn't know what it was called. So I went looking for it and stumbled across a file entitled 'Chocobo Breeding'. I thought to myself, 'huh…wonder what the fuck that is.' So I opened it up and it was this. I hadn't finished it, only got to just before the sex, but I was like 'OH FUCK YES!' I couldn't believe that I wrote this and forgot about it. I mean, I found it funny. I never find anything I write funny. But this had me laughing my ass off when I was rereading it. How the hell could I not finish and post that? Still need to find that Zemyx fic though…I have no idea what the fuck I named it, but I remember it being good. I do not look forward to going through the over 200 files I have in my fanfiction folder.