NOTE: I tried to lay it out like an actual musical script, but the Internet doesn't understand that or value my intentions.

ANOTHER NOTE: ALL CAPS signifies singing, everything else written normally is spoken.

LAST NOTE: Song for this scene is set to "Dobby the House Elf" from the Chamber of Secrets Soundtrack, track number nine.


Act II, Scene II – "The Hermione-Approved Essay: Write Your Own"

INT. Library – NIGHT

In a secluded section of the library between two high bookshelves, Harry, Ron, and Hermione are finishing up some homework the night before their last day of classes before the Holiday Break. Hermione is swiftly making her way through her homework as always while Harry and Ron glower from across the table, only inching their way through their essays.

Hermione replaces her quill in her inkwell and sets aside her first essay, preparing another scroll. Harry and Ron look up, astonished.

RON

Did you really just finish that Boil-Cure essay?

HERMIONE

(boredly)

Of course not. You're just imagining things.

RON

I must be! You wrote a twelve-inch essay in forty minutes!

Hermione shrugs. She gets up and turns to the bookcase behind her, pulling out a book and looking through it.

HARRY

Yeah. I'm only half done just now. And all I did

so far was list the ingredients.

RON

You're farther than me. I'm still finishing my

Charms! I have yet to even open the book for

that bloody thing.

Ron looks up at Hermione whose back is still turned to them as she replaces the book and takes another out next to it. Silently, Ron pushes himself up on the table with his elbows, craning his neck to see Hermione's finished essay. She immediately turns around, snapping the books in her hands shut and grabbing her essay from the table.

HERMIONE

I don't think so.

RON

Aw, don't be like that, Hermione. It's late.

And it's Christmas. The season of giving.

Hermione huffs out a laugh.

HERMIONE

Tell that to Professor Snape and I'm sure he'd

be very keen on giving you a T. And not for

'Terrific.'

RON

I can't get a T! Harry and I are already doing

bad as it is.

HARRY

Plus he already tried to jinx me at the Quidditch

match. He'd have no problem seeing me out for

holiday with at least a failing grade.

RON

Come on, Hermione. Give us look, would you?

HERMIONE

I will not let you copy my essay. We're doing

enough as it is putting ourselves in danger of

expulsion, but you two want to copy work that

isn't yours in addition to Fluffy and setting a

professor's robes on fire.

HARRY

That was all you.

HERMIONE

That was to save your life.

HARRY

I'm still very appreciative of that, by the way.

RON

That is my point. We set people on fire, and

you're afraid of someone using the same words

as you? Take it as a compliment!

HERMIONE

I've said no, and no is my answer. You'll have to

do all the work I do to get the passing marks.

CUE: UNDERSCORE.

Ron gives his Potions book a disgusted look as he sets it in front of himself on the table.

RON

Well, is there some sort of secret spell or

enchantment?

Hermione turns around with a smirk.

HERMIONE

Secret?

RON

Yeah. There's no way you can read this whole

thing and remember everything you read without

some memory charm.

Hermione sets Harry's book in front of him.

HERMIONE

It's not even that complicated. Here,

She leans in close to them, and they do as she instructs.

HERMIONE (cnt'd)

IT'S RATHER SIMPLE
TURN TO PAGE EIGHTY-THREE
READ IT CAREFULLY, NOW WRITE THIS DOWN
YOUR MARKS AREN'T MY RESPONSIBILITY

Ron jumps out of his chair as she pushes off the table.

RON

Hermione!

She turns her back to him.

HERMIONE

You'll just have to learn to do it yourself.

RON

(pleas)

This is due tomorrow!

Hermione picks up her Potions book.

HERMIONE

IS IT SO HARD TO TELL A FLOBBER FROM A TUBE WORM

ONE THICKENS POTIONS AND THE OTHER EATS THE DESK

Ron and Harry consult their books quickly.

RON

COULD YOU ELABORATE ON WHICH ONE IS WHICH?

Hermione casts him a dark, reprimanding look.

RON (cnt'd)

(timidly)

Flobberworms eat the desk?

Hermione walks over to the bookshelf, rolling her eyes.

HERMIONE

(flatly)

They don't have teeth.

Ron sees this in his book and smiles. He sits back down at the table and begins scribbling on his parchment.

RON

Oh, that's right.

Hermione shakes her head.

HERMIONE

Honestly…

SAVE US BOTH THE TROUBLE

RON

(to Harry)

What's in Boil-Cure again?

Hermione leans over the table, checking what ingredients Harry has written down in his essay and points at it.

HERMIONE

THE NETTLES ARE DRIED, NOT CRUSHED

She sighs, standing straight.

HERMIONE (cnt'd)

I'M ONLY GOING TO SAY THIS ONE LAST TIME

Ron perches eagerly on the edge of seat, quill ready.

RON

Yeah?

Hermione turns sharply.

HERMIONE

(hotly)

I'M NOT YOUR POTIONS BOOK

Ron gets up, following her around the table.

RON

What about Charms?

HERMIONE

No!

RON

All I need is Alohamora's countercurse!

HERMIONE

Colloportus, Ronald.

Ron flips through his book.

RON

Where did you find that?

HERMIONE

Standard Book of Spells, chapter seven, page one-oh-four!

Harry looks up from his essay, watching Ron follow Hermione along the bookcase as she takes books from the shelves and thrusts them into his arms.

HARRY

THIS IS WHERE I START TO GET FRUSTRATED

SOMETIMES I THINK I'M BETTER OFF WITH SNAPE

Hermione pulls another book from the shelf --

HERMIONE

Curses and Counter-curses by Vindictus Viridian!

--and adds it to the pile in Ron's arms.

RON

Ow!

And a fourth--

HERMIONE

Magical Theory by Adalbert Waffling!

--into Ron's arms. He looks over at the bookshelf with a grimace but brightens immediately at the book he spots.

RON

Hey! Notable Magical Names of Our Time!

Harry runs over to the bookshelf, taking and opening it quickly.

RON (cnt'd)

(to Harry)

You think Flamel might be in there?

HARRY

Let me have a look.

Suddenly, Hermione takes the book from Harry and puts it back on the shelf.

HERMIONE

Finish your essay!

HARRY

But we actually want to research that!

Ron sets down the armful of books on the table.

RON

Yeah, to devil with Potions.

Hermione gives them an expectant look.

HERMIONE

WHAT IS THE CONFUSING DRAUGHT?

Ron and Harry slowly exchange a blank look and turn back to Hermione. She reaches past them for one of the books, opening it.

HERMIONE (cnt'd)

LOVAGE, SNEEZEWORT, SCURY-GRASS

RON

(to Harry)

I though it was knotgrass?

HERMIONE

No!

KNOTGRASS IS FOUND IN TRANSFIGUARTION POTIONS

NOT THOSE THAT ALTER MEMORY

Harry's shoulders fall. He heads back to his seat.

HARRY

We're doomed.

RON

(to Hermione)

Just one look!

HERMIONE

Stop being lazy and open your book!

Ron purses his lips.

RON

I PREFER TO TERM IT AS LACK OF MOTIVATION

He picks up his book and squints at the text.

RON (cnt'd)

AND WHO CARES WHICH POTIONS USE A SYRUP OF HELLBORE?

HERMIONE

YOU HAD BETTER IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO PASS.

Ron sighs.

RON

Which page?

HERMIONE

Use the index.

RON

Which page is that?

Hermione's eyes widen.

HERMIONE

Table of contents!

Harry comes between them, shouting over them.

HARRY

Look!

WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP YELLING

HERMIONE

I'm not!

RON

She's being unreasonable!

HARRY

I DON'T REALLY CARE

RON

Sure, side with her!

HERMIONE

(to Ron)

At least he has initiative!

Hermione walks away and Ron follows. Harry stares at the ceiling, annoyed.

HARRY

I WOULD RATHER NOT DREAM TONIGHT

OF POTIONS INGREDIENTS

RON

(to Hermione)

I won't copy word for word!

Hermione openly laughs.

HERMIONE

(to Ron)

As bad as your handwriting is, I wouldn't be surprised

IF HE COULD TELL THE DIFFERENCE

Harry and Ron both begin to crowd her now with small, quick pleas.

RON

Then hand it over!

HARRY

Last time, we swear!

HERMIONE

MY PATIENCE IS WEARING THIN

HARRY

Can we see half?

RON

Three-fourths?

Hermione squeezes her eyes shut, clutching her essay scroll against herself protectively.

HERMIONE

I'M GOING TO COUNT TO FIVE, JUST TO FIVE

RON

Please!

HERMIONE

ONE, TWO, THREE—

RON

Please!

Hermione's eyes open, her arms shooting out to the sides in frustration.

HERMIONE

(shouts)

Alright!

She hands it to Ron against her will, his and Harry's faces brightening as they open her scroll under her disapproving glare.

RON

Yes! Thank you, Hermione. You are a saint.

HERMIONE

Just make it fast.

Ron and Harry move around the table, setting Hermione's essay between the two of them and picking up their quills.

RON

You put the porcupine quills in after you

remove it from heat?

HARRY

Yeah. Remember when Neville didn't do that?

Ron's face grows sullen.

RON

Oh yeah.

He looks up as Hermione begins to replace the books to the bookshelf.

RON (cnt'd)

(to Hermione)

WE WON'T FORGET THIS.

HERMIONE

I HIGHLY DOUBT THAT.

Ron leans very close to the essay, scribbling out something on his own.

RON

Well, I might forget that.

Hermione pulls one last book off the shelf--

HERMIONE

Just don't forget this.

--and sets it down on top of her essay.

CUE: END SONG.

It is the Notable Magical Names of Our Time book. Harry smiles, puts it into his bag to read later, and continues writing with Ron.

BLACK OUT.