Thanks to some utterly fantastic constructive criticism by percygranger I have undergone the task of re-writing this FanFic. The new version will be under the same name and I will keep this original up for the time being so people can compare, if they want to.


Hi there! You favorited my first story here, so I thought I'd come and check out yours. Since you asked for help in your profile, you're getting some writing advice!

The first chapter started a bit slow, but had a nice cliff-hanger at the end.

This chapter has a lot of info and conversation. My two small pieces of advice would be: place a comma before or after proper names if someone is talking to someone else (it also applies to nicknames). For example: "Doctor, my hair is falling out!" or "I don't think that will work, Rose."

Also, I'd like to see a bit more physical action/reactions that show the character's emotions. Like when the Doctor is talking to Bad Wolf Rose, you could mention he's speaking quickly, or with force. That would show his urgency. Or you could tell us about the character's facial expression or gestures.

This helps keeps the reader engaged and moving forward into the story. Otherwise, the reader has to imagine how the characters are acting from scratch, or if s/he is too lazy to do so, the action feels flat.

I hope this helps, best of luck in your future writing!