Predator – User's Guide
Hello! We at Startech would like to thank you for your purchase of our Predator model. We value your time (and cash) so if you have any problems you can call our technical service at : 1-5325325235-785854855215756127565062179501-5372185671562756270505215-537185621056275602. Intergalactic phone call rates do apply.
Note: Before starting, if you made your UPS delivery man take this box to your doorstep, please go out and apologize to him for his herniated disk. You might want to slip him a couple bucks every once in a while too, lest he accidently-on-purpose deliver all of your packages to your greedy, lying neighbor from now on.
Included in your box should be:
1 Predator, fully clothed in a mesh space body suit, metal loincloth, armor, and a mask
1 Ceremonial sword
1 Smart disc
We strongly advise that until your Predator is used to his new surroundings, you keep these weapons in a safe place, preferably under lock and key and guarded by several vicious animals. Not doing so could be harmful to you and your house. If your Predator has arrived without clothing, we severely apologize for any stress that we have caused. Please assure all males nearby that is indeed not normal for their race to look that *ahem* macho, so they should not feel sorry for themselves. We also would like to warn you that if you already own a Predator model, you should keep them separate until they are at least 50 or so years old. The consequences of not keeping them separate while they are young may be dire as they may go off in threes to get killed in Antarctica. Yes, all three of them will die, despite their superior space technology. (Go figure…)
Warning: Your Predator is a lifelong companion – once he respects you that is. You might want to earn his trust before turning your back around him by killing a number of squirrels, deer or moose, or preferably large cats. (We have not yet figured out why our Predator models hate cats. If we find a solution to this problem we will email you immediately, else please keep your furry friend and your new friend in separate parts of the house.)
How to Care For Your Predator Model:
During the first few weeks, your Predator will be unfamiliar with his surroundings, especially the technology that you have in your house. Warning him about things like not putting metal or live things in the microwave is strongly advised. If your Predator attempts to talk into your TV or computer monitor, please tell him that humans are a little behind his race to avoid frustration for both you and him.
It is recommended that you keep your Predator outside the house, unless you live in cold climates. Those who live in places like Alaska, Siberia and Northern Britain may want to keep their Predator models inside to avoid them being cranky, disagreeable or, in certain cases, frozen to death. If you are forced to keep your Predator inside, please adhere to a few simple rules:
Inform your Predator about the bathroom. Since he is used to being on the go and mainly outside, he has most likely never used a human toilet before. Showing him how may be embarrassing, but it can save you much trouble later.
Unless you plan on keeping the temperature in your house above eighty degrees year-round, please run your Predator a hot bath or shower daily. This will keep him nice and warm. Also, you may have to inform him about things he may find in the shower. "You cannot drink shampoo," and "No, this razor is not a weapon," are particularly helpful. If your Predator gets dirty we strongly advise that you show him how to clean himself with soap and do not attempt to scrub the dirt off for him. Not only is he more than capable of bathing himself, you may offend your Predator by trying to bathe him, depending on your gender. If you are female and have already earned your model's trust, it is ok, but not recommended, that you clean your Predator yourself. Cleaning him yourself may result in spontaneous gifts of dead Alien parts or any small and large game that may be in the area. If you enjoy this kind of attention that is fine, but if you are not single, we hope that your boyfriend or spouse can run very fast once your Predator becomes attached to you. Predators tend to be very… territorial over their… well… mates. Don't say we didn't warn you.
As mentioned earlier, you may want to keep your pets away from your new friend. Your Predator does not take kindly to small animals jumping all over him and he may kill them, flay them and hang them up as an example for your other pets if he gets very annoyed. Pets like lizards and snakes should be safe from harm as, not only are they similar to creatures from his home planet, but they are fairly docile animals. If you do have a snake, please inform your Predator that wearing a snake is not advisable.
You may want to keep your Predator away from the TV. Certain channels like MTV and Lifetime may irritate him so much that he smashes your television set. If you want to leave music on for him, any hard rock channels will do. Putting on classical or pop music may result in the aforementioned smashing of your TV. Putting on techno music for your Predator has a rather…odd effect on him, so that is not a recommended channel either.
Do not forget to feed your Predator. Meat, meat, and more meat are the only things that your Predator will willingly consume. He may eat fruits on occasion as well.
If you can keep your Predator outside:
Great! That will save you the many troubles mentioned above. You do not need to feed your Predator as, when left alone outside, your Predator will hunt for his own meals. Please tell your Predator that your neighbors and paperboy are not good prey. Yes, even if you despise them. Leaving a fire pit outside is advisable if your Predator will be getting his own food. Unless you are a horribly mean bastard, do not leave your Predator outside in the rain or snow. Despite what he would like you to think, he is not invincible and will not take kindly to being left out in the elements.
Q & A
Q: My Predator has disappeared! I can't find him anywhere!
A: If you keep your Predator outside, he is most likely out on a hunt. He will be back in a few hours, so don't worry. If you keep your Predator inside, he has most likely found his cloaking device. If you walk into some large obstruction in your hallway, you have found him! Congratulations!
Q: Where has my Alien gone and why is there a large, singed hole in my floor?
A: Have you not seen AVP? Aliens and Predators are mortal enemies and will fight to the death whenever they encounter one another. If your Alien was alone, then your Predator is fine. The same cannot be said for your Alien, sadly.
Q: Why is my house gone?!? Wait…Why is my whole neighborhood gone?!?
A: Your Predator has obviously found and activated his self-destruct device. This could be because A) you are the worst kind of crazy cat lady and keep hundreds of Aliens as pets or B) you are the same mean bastard mentioned above and you left him strapped to the couch with his eyelids pinned open and the Lifetime channel on. If the answer is B ) then shame on you! We will be sending our intergalactic police down momentarily to apprehend you for abuse.
Q: I'm really weirded out. My Predator won't stop dancing like a fiend.
A: We did warn you about the techno.
Q: My Predator is dancing around the living room with my spouse/girlfriend! I can't get near him without him growling at me!
A: You have obviously not read this guide thoroughly. Your spouse/girlfriend has either bathed your Predator or been hunting with him. This bond is now unbreakable and you will not be able get your significant other back. We do not even advise trying, unless you are severely suicidal. We apologize, but it's really your fault. You also must have broken the no TV rule. It sounds like he has seen Dirty Dancing one too many times.
Q: Where is my hamster?
A: Ah, the hamster, yet another animal our Predators don't like. He has most likely been punted somewhere far, far, away. We're sorry for your loss. Really. We are.
Q: I think my Predator murdered my neighbor! What should I do?
A: You people really do have to learn how to read. If you liked your neighbor you should chastise your Predator before he murders more of your friends. If you hated your neighbor, good news for you! You can buy up the house next door dirt cheap, the blood stains throughout the house will deter most people.
Q: But…shouldn't I turn him in to the authorities or something?
A:…Sure. Go ahead. Turn in your poor, helpless alien friend to the mean, nasty police who will beat and mock him.
Q: BUT HE KILLED SOMEONE!
A: If you turn him in, he will come after you. If you feel you can fend him off alone, please, turn him in. Our business relationship was nice while it lasted. Just let us know who to send the bill for your funeral services to.
Thank you for reading our Predator User Guide! We hope you have a good time with your friend! Bye-bye! Bye-bye now. PUT DOWN THE DAMN GUIDE ALREADY! SHEESH!