Irreparable damage has been done to Goku and ChiChi's marriage. An odd-humor piece about familial ties and when life, love and the law just don't add up properly.


Chapter One: Illegitimate

On a sweet day like this, Mt. Pazou usually sheltered a tiny cottage at its feet from the blazing sun above, but in the case of today it sheltered the sun above from the wrath of one fiery woman as her yells reverberated through the countryside.

" What do you mean, I'm not married?" ChiChi screeched.

"Well, heh, you see… he died," across the coffee table, sitting anxiously in a navy armchair was ChiChi's accountant, holding two death certificates in his left hand and running the other hand shakily through his silky black hair. As a nervous habit he adjusted the glasses that were perched precariously on his nose, and cleared his throat as gently as possible.

"But--- marriage is forever! 'Til death do us part'!"

"Yes, and… you parted. At his death. Twice."

"B-but, but…" but whatever it was never made it out of her mouth as the raven-haired woman gave in to her weak knees and collapsed on the sofa.

"Oh dear," the accountant sweat dropped, not quite sure what to do next.

"Which certificates are those?"

"What?" the poor accountant was caught off guard by the elder Son in the corner; he hadn't said anything up until this point and the accountant had forgotten he was there.

"When did he die?" Gohan repeated, curious how his father only had two death certificates, when he ought to have three. He supposed the death during the fight with Buu didn't count—he hadn't really been brought back to life, so he couldn't really die again. Glancing at the papers handed to him by the accountant, he was right. His father's deaths were recorded on the day Radditz arrived, and the day of the Cell Games.

"So you see, he died, and then they weren't married anymore, so when he died again… you see, don't you?" the accountant pleaded, surely this was the most bizarre case anyone had ever heard of, and if he hadn't known the Ox King as he did, he would have doubted more than he already did the possibility of a man dying twice.

Gohan nodded emotionlessly to the frantic man beside him, "I see," and after giving it some thought he added, "You should come back again tomorrow. My mom's… uhhhh… in a little bit of shock right now,"

The two men glanced across the room where ChiChi was slumped unconsciously against the couch, pale as snow with a look of disbelief plastered across her face.

"Errr… yes, yes, I shall," and with that he bid Gohan a good day, hastily packed his files, rushed out of the house and sped away in his car, kicking up dust clouds as big as the house itself.

Gohan watched from the window as the accountant vanished from sight and heaved a deep sigh when his dad and Goten came walking up the drive, waving cheerfully and looking like they'd had the time of their lives. Needless to say, Goku remained happily oblivious to the events that transpired to put his wife—or not—unconscious on the sofa.

The day had begun easily enough, before the accountant arrived ChiChi made a traditionally and over-whelming large breakfast, blissfully believing that the man sitting between her two sons was her husband. As part of his make-up-lost-time-with-Goten policy, Goku took his youngest son up in his arms, pecked her on the cheek and left to go fishing and dinosaur-hunting. The accountant was scheduled to arrive at noon, but he arrived five minutes late causing the house to fill up with ChiChi's complaints and warnings to Gohan about professionalism and promptness. Offered a simple tray of cookies and tea upon arrival, it perhaps should have been obvious that not all was well when the man first loosened his tie and wiped sweat from behind his neck before the meeting even began. ChiChi noticed his uncomfortable appearance immediately and after a few forced niceties asked tersely why he had called for this appointment at all.

"Well," the accountant rung his hands, "it's about Goten's inheritance."

Gohan, who sat in the corner by the phone secretly hoping a well-timed call from Videl would take him away from his mother's meeting and reading a book, looked up.

"I don't understand. I sent the completed forms in to Daddy for his will, just like he asked. Did I forget one?"

"Err, no, it's aahh, more complicated than that."

"How so?" ChiChi was snappy now, this man was taking away valuable time from her dusting.

"Well, it would seem, Goten can't inherit anything from his grandfather." The latter half of his sentence was muttered and followed swiftly by a swig of tea, as if it was vodka that awaited him inside the tiny rose-colored cups. But ChiChi's hearing was not as fallable as the miserable money-man dared to believe, as she caught his every word.

"Excuse me? And why is that?"

The man sighed, and pulled an aged document out of his briefcase. "Very long ago, your father's kingdom created certain-- err—laws, in order to ensure that the kingdom would be safe from usurpers, especially those within the family." When all he received was a questioning look from the princess, the accountant continued. "In order to prevent any more inner-house struggle for the throne or any sort of powers, there are very strict laws governing the inheritance granted to illegitimate heirs."

Silence fell on the living room. Gohan's jaw plummeted to the floor. Had this man actually implied that his mother had been unfaithful to his father? He remembered the time his former tutor had insulted his father. He was thrown out the window and chased off the property. What was the punishment for the man before him had done?

At that very moment the phone range and a stunned Gohan answered.

"All right, I'm getting you out of this. Just tell her it's an emergency and hurry on over, I've found some great—"

"Videl, I'm gonna have to call you back."

"What? Son Gohan, I'm going out on a limb here, risking your mother getting mad at me—you practically begged—"

A dazed Gohan hung up and stared at the scene before him. Neither his mother nor the accountant seemed to have noticed the call. ChiChi appeared to still be digesting the information. Slowly, movement returned to her face.

"Excuse me?" she whispered, her three-syllable question laced with enough arson to wipe the Pied Piper out of business. Volume returned throughout the course of the following sentence. "Are you trying to say that I cheated on my husband?!"

"No, no, absolutely not!" The black-haired man waved his arms frantically. "Just that you aren't married to your—er--- husband. Heh heh, that's all," It had all been downhill from there, and Gohan blocked out the remaining bits, staring out the window into the darkening sky as his father and little brother waltzed up the drive.

It's gonna be a long night, Gohan thought to himself just as ChiChi began to stir behind him.

"Heya, Gohan! Hey, Chi, you look kinda tired. How was the day with the whatsit?" Goku cheerily greeted his family and Goten sprinted to the kitchen to see if there were any snacks around.

"The accountant, Goku, he's called an accountant," ChiChi replied groggily, and then got a look on her face like she couldn't quite remember what the accountant had said. Then it came back to her… oh.

Gohan took the realization on his mother's face as his cue to escort Goten as far from the living room as possible. He began pushing the cookie-munching munchkin outside toward the bathing barrel, but decided that was still too close to the danger-zone, and instead made his way miles away to the nearest lake. But even then, shouts of, "GOKU! WE'RE NOT MARRIED!" echoed in their ears and throughout the mountainside.

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