Authoress: My first Nana fanfiction. Just had to get this off my chest quick, because I feel so sad about Ren's death. And because Nana is the only manga I cried over (I swear, no joke), I'm quite attached to it. I had a hard time trying to be as close to the manga as possible, since the original plot is already really, really good and deliciously twisted, I don't have the heart to try and change it for the sake of writing. :P

**Meh. Drabble...ish.

Warning: Spoilers.

Written because angst is my thing. :)

Disclaimer: Nana isn't mine. I wish Shin is though. :3


The Crushed Lotus
By: Vanity-chan

Because Ren can't choose between two things: love and music. In the end, he's able to protect both, but it cost him something much more...

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Without her, he's pathetic.

The chain around his neck is proof of that. She is the only one who has the key. She is the only one who can unlock it. She has his heart in the palm of her hands.

He realizes that every single moment without her, every cigarette lit, used up and mashed into the ashtray, every look in the cracked mirror, every drug taken, every wild thought, every miserable memory, every breath, every step away from her, he's unconsciously ruining his own life.

At first, he did not notice the significance of that realization, and then the real meaning of it all shoves itself into his face.

Nana is his life. The life that he's ruining.

Their connection is too deep to be understood and translated into mere words.

Nana.

She had asked for his help during the concert tour when Shin was arrested for the same thing he's doing now: taking drugs.

He had refused.

"I don't want to fill in for such a person."

He's no different.

That was the last thing he said to her. The last time he talked to her. The last time, and then they never talked again.

And will they ever?

Here he is now, living his pathetic and miserable life while Nana is living her own. Living their lives apart. Not noticing the damage of being apart is doing to each other. Fighting in a war that they'll never win.

It has always been all about their dreams. Their selfish desires. His dream of sharing his music by being popular. Her dream of defeating the other band by being famous.

Their wants do not meet.

Well, they meet, but they clash. They collide.

So they broke up and then got together again, decided to get married but now everything's ruined because of them choosing their dreams over love.

His pride: being Trapnest's guitarist.

"I don't want to be the reason for Trapnest to get into trouble."

It's not a lie. But then--

He smiles, his cell phone pressed against his ear while savoring the taste of the cigarette pressed between his lips, inhaling the sweet addictive scent, as if it's enough to engulf him into darkness and leave everything and everyone behind.

--he's doing this because he's lost, with nothing else left to do to protect his most prized possessions.

Trapnest?

Or…

Nana?

A decision he has to make.

Dreams?

Or...

Love?

"It's nothing… I won't die before I get to see Satsuki-chan's little face."

He can almost hear Hachi's smile from the other line. He smiles as well before hanging up and placing his cell phone back in his pocket.

He'll go see her. He'll go and give the gift he bought for her birthday. Everything will be okay. Just like what he told Hachi…

But he has to bring Trapnest's princess back to the castle.

Reira…

She says that she won't sing unless he'll play the guitar.

Trapnest…

He doesn't want to be the one to ruin Trapnest.

He looks at the side mirror, and sees a car that has been tailing him from Tokyo and all the way here.

He can't risk Trapnest's reputation now...

His decision is—

What?

He's getting frustrated. Hesitating.

What the fuck can he do now?

What if he makes the wrong decision. just like before?

Faster. He drives faster. Speeding under the heavy snow.

--final.

Clenching his eyes tightly, fighting back the tears that threaten to fall…

His car crashes into the building.

…clasping together his hands and leaning over them because—

He has made his decision.

--he must give his all to protect his hands.

He must give his all to protect Trapnest.

Even if his life depends on it.

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I once told Nana that I was going to take her along with me when I die…

but this time, I have to break that promise…

because I have to protect her too.

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…He lost the battle.

Without her, he's pathetic.


"You laugh at love, but love will make you cry."

-Takagi Yasushi


A/N: I just love Yasu's words of wisdom. xD

Awfully short, yes, but that's intentional.

So this is some kind of twisted idea, that he crashed the car on purpose… And I changed some things too to make everything work. Well, I just thought they go well with what I've typed, but I honestly think that's not what really happened. SERIOUSLY. So please don't get angry with me. :P

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