I don't own anything to do with Twilight. Stephanie Meyer does. And, yes, I stole the title from a T-shirt. This is my first fanfic, so please review!

The story begins at the Cullen house on a November afternoon. It is six years after Breaking Dawn. Renesmee is 17 years old (in Renesmee years, of course). This story is rated M for VERY mature (or immature, depending on your point-of-view) language and some serious lemonade.

CHAPTER 1: WHAT C-CUPS?

Renesmee Cullen

The Cullen house was bustling that afternoon as my aunts Rosalie and Alice helped my mom pack for my parents' second honeymoon.

My dad and uncles Emmett and Jasper were watching a football game with Jacob Black, in whose lap I was nestled comfortably. Jake was the love of my life. I loved to be as close to him as I could, feeling the warmth of his body against mine and taking in his deliciously musky scent.

My musing was interrupted as Rose and my mom stopped in front of us for an impromptu discussion about bikinis.

"OK, unless you two plan on making out, you're blocking the TV," Emmett said, grinning.

They looked scornfully at the well-muscled vampire, their hands on their hips.

"You are such a pig!" Rose chided, tossing a throw pillow at him.

"He has a point, Barbie," Jacob chimed in, tossing a grin Emmett's way. "Now, either move away from the football game or give us something better to watch."

Jacob, Emmett and Jasper laughed uproariously. Dad grinned at Mom, who gave him a faux-annoyed look.

"Ew, Jake!" I laughed. "That's my MOM!"

"Well, if you'd like to join them –"

"– EWWWW!" I squealed.

The boys roared again, but Dad turned to Jake with a serious expression.

"OK, this is suddenly less funny," he said, matter-of-factly (but a smile tugged at the corners of his mouth).

"Sorry, sorry," Jake laughed, holding both hands up as I kissed him on the cheek. I loved his sweet grin. I think it's my favorite part about him. That and his perfect body, russet skin, sexy hair and deep brown eyes. And his lips. Oh, God, his lips. They were begging me to kiss them. I longed to be alone with him right now. Then, I lit up inside as I remembered something.

"Jakey, remember you promised to go camping with us this weekend," I said, giving him my very best pouty face.

"Yeah, dude, it's gonna be real," Emmett chimed in.

"I'll be there," Jacob said, and I gave him an appreciative peck on the lips. I instantly wanted more, but with my dad sitting right next to us, that was going to have to wait.

"Alice, I trust you're going to be there?" Dad asked, raising an eyebrow at me. Alice was my (and his) favorite chaperone. Dad trusted her to keep me from jumping Jacob, and I trusted her to let me get away with just enough fun to quell my carnal cravings for my Big Bad Wolf.

"Jasper and I will be there!" Alice practically sang.

"And so will we," Rose said, shooting Jake a warning glance.

Emmett leaned over Dad to Jake. "Don't worry, dude, I'll try to keep Rose off your tail, if you know what I mean­ ­– OW!"

Emmett's hands flew to his throbbing head after a healthy smack from my father.

"I was just kidding! Geez, Ed!"

"That was a warning shot," Dad snarled. "As for you, dog, if I get her back in less than virgin condition, you're going to be running on four legs, if you know what I mean."

"DAD!" I groaned.

"Don't worry, I have no ill intentions for your daughter, and I never have," Jake assured him.

"Seriously, she'll be fine!" Alice assured them, grinning at Jacob.

"Of course I will!" I added. "When have you ever known Jake to be anything less than a gentleman with me?"

"That was before you grew those C-cups," Emmett smirked, nodding toward my breasts.

"Oh my God you are SO gross!" I sneered at him with a wince.

"What C-cups?" Jacob asked, grinning at my dad.

Dad rolled his eyes.

"Don't worry, honey, you know Jake's great," Mom said, sliding onto my dad's lap. "Besides, you and I are going to have plenty to think about on our second honeymoon."

"Mmm," Dad purred as they kissed deeply.

"OK, so I'm going to hurl now," I said as I buried my head in Jake's shoulder.