A/N: This amazing tribute to caulking was compiled thanks to the quotes I've stolen from Gabi, Nal & SallyJupiter. I'd like to thank Nal for introducing me to caulking, helping conceive the story and proofing it. I basically stole her work.
This picks up after Breaking Dawn. Totally Canon.
Bella walked into the garage and sighed. She was not surprised to see Edward there squatting by the half built boat.
"What are you doing up so late, Edward?"
"We don't sleep, remember? I'm caulking."
"What the fuck is caulking?"
"Well Bella, according to Wikipedia, which I have memorized; caulking is a term used to describe several different processes to seal joints or seams in various structures and certain types of piping. The oldest form of caulking is used to make the seams in wooden boats or ships watertight, by driving fibrous materials into the wedge-shaped seams between planks. A related process was formerly employed to join sections of cast iron sewerage pipe."
"I haven't built any boats lately, Edward, forgive me," Bella replied sarcastically.
She walked away forlorn and headed back to the marital cottage. Edward had been spending all his nights with the boat lately; it was coming between their marriage.
Inside the cottage Bella found Alice babysitting her mutant child.
Bella began to confess her concerns to Alice immediately, "Alice, About three things I am absolutely positive. First, Edward is a caulker... "
But her speech was interrupted by the cries of the mutant.
"You guys need to talk about this," said Alice, "if it's bothering you."
"Oh, Alice, you're a best sister a girl can have. What he doesn't realize is I'd like a caulk gun to inject some sealant into me right now!"
"Bella if that metaphor means what I think it does…you know you can't try IVF at home, it's dangerous and you're barren… plus after this little mutant freak, why would you want a second child?"
"I don't, I was trying to dirty talk."
"Oh, Bella," said Alice, "you're incredibly lame."
"I just thought if I made sex more about caulking he'd want me."
Alice sighed, "Talk to him, I'll take Nessie home with me." Alice got up and gracefully exited the cottage with Renesmee in tow, like a pixie. She was very pixie-like.
Bella took a deep breath and returned to the garage to confront Edward.
"Eddie I need to caulk, uh, talk to you."
"What is it, love?"
"I think your caulking is coming between us, I'd like it to bring us together, do you mind if I join you?"
"Sure, Bella Love."
He handed Bella the second caulking gun and they went to work. Bella used this time to voice her concerns about their marriage.
Edward never responded to her concerns.
"Edward…. Sometimes when we caulk, I feel like you don't really look at me, Edward."
Edward again, said nothing.
"The caulking you do, it just makes things worse!"
Edward sighed "Just leave me alone and let me caulk!!"
"Fine! You can caulk, Edward, but Jacob knows how to handle the nail gun... Your cheap caulk isn't enough Edward! I want a real man, I want to be nailed!"
And with that Bella made her way to one of the Cullens' cliché cars and drove herself to La Push.
"…I can't pretend that I haven't thought about being nailed myself, Bella...." Edward whispered to himself as she walked away.
Just then, Jacob Black emerged from the shadows of the garage. Bella would not find him in La Push.
"I've been watching you caulk and I heard what you just said Edward. I love caulking. My best friend's dad is a carpenter so we play with the caulking gun and the nail gun all the time," Jacob said in a low voice.
"Yeah I've been reading this amazing book called Caulk Softly, Ranger...it's about forest safety."
"I've read that too, Jacob, they're gluing the trees together so they don't fall down…I… I hate it when people caulk too hard. It's my favorite book."
They looked at each other longingly for a moment.
"I'd like to offer you my nail gun if that's ok," whispered Jacob nervously "I've never met anyone that can caulk like you..."
"Show me your nail gun, Jacob; I'd like to see it."
And with that Jacob and Edward showed each other their bits and ran away together, abandoning Edward's child and Jacob's wolf pack. They were betrothed in Massachusetts and lived happily ever after, caulking and nailing all night long.
"Second, there was a part of him, and I didn't know how dominant that part might be, that wanted to be nailed." Bella finished her thought, as she drove back from La Push. "Third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with two gay men who preferred swordplay"
NB- For more swordplay, see Laundry_day by RenesmeeJesusCullen