The repercussions of showing ten-year old Bel an R-rated movie. Humor ensues.
All characters © Amano Akira
It's Natural, Baby
Contrary to popular belief, the Varia, with the exception of the Gola Mosca that they would acquire years down the road, were only human. They ate like normal people and slept like normal people (most of the time). Sometimes in the heat of business one tended to forget that, especially when seeing the team soaked in blood, with tongues extended to lick it off their faces, and those feral grins.
After two years they had not disbanded, yet there was obviously no love lost between them. They were loud, obnoxious, and had the bite to go with the bark. If the situation saw fit, they wouldn't think twice about killing each other and spitting over the still-warm corpses.
Surely they couldn't be human, one would think. People had too much heart to do such heinous things to one another. However, having a will of stone was what made them such notable assassins. They were no less human beings than anybody else, despite what humanity they might or might not have had. And after a long night on the job, like anyone, the Varia would get tired.
It was on one of these evenings, following a mission, that the Varia were reminded of just how human they were. The assignment had been a cinch—almost no injuries, and the moon was still up. Too wired to sleep yet too physically fatigued to move, the members of the Varia resorted to the one thing able to calm them down: a movie.
After much squabbling, a broken DVD, and a black eye, they finally decided on what to watch. Levi turned off the lights as some 80's action movie lit up the screen of their headquarters television. The quality was poor, yet no one seemed to care.
"Hahaaa," Squalo remarked crassly, as a scene switched to a closed bedroom door. Audible cries could be heard from behind its frame.
He grinned, showing lots of teeth. "They must really be going at it! Voooiiiii!"
"I want to see, I want to see!~" Lussuria pouted. "Why won't they show it?" Levi flushed mildly at the mental images, remotely sure that the filmmakers had omitted that part for a reason.
Bel, his small face illuminated by the glow of the screen, added, "Yeah! Why are they afraid of showing us a little blood?"
Four faces slowly turned away from the television to regard their youngest member.
"B-blood?" Levi stammered. His lip ring quivered ominously.
"It must be a painful death for her, by the sounds of it," Bel giggled. "Maybe they'll show us the corpse?"
After a moment of silence it was Mammon who spoke up. "It's not a murder, Bel," he said, ignoring Lussuria's vain attempts to stifle laughter. The Arcobaleno's voice was high and chilly, seemingly unfazed.
A slip of annoyance flitted over Belphegor's features. He suddenly got the feeling that the others were leaving him out of something, which was contradictory to his genius image. He was supposed to know everything.
"Then, what are they doing?"
"Getting it on, you fag," was Squalo's response, articulate as ever, eyes still on the movie. If Bel didn't know any better he would've said the Varia's substitute leader was enjoying the shot of the closed door. He still didn't understand, and it was beginning to irk him.
"Tell me what 'getting it on' means, or I'll kill you," he retorted, sliding a hand into his pocket where a blade lay inches from his fingertips.
It was this statement that finally made Squalo pause the movie. He sat up, brushed his hair (which was now beginning to spill over his shoulders) out of his face, and turned to face their youngest member.
Sometimes they forgot that Bel was only ten, had no living family, and was currently living with a bunch of teenage assassins at least six years his senior. Of course exposing him to R-rated movies would come back to bite them all in the ass.
Squalo frowned. "Screwing, banging, fucking?"
Each phrase produced a blank look from Bel.
"Getting laid, buttering your muffin, putting my beef in your taco…having sex? Do these mean nothing to you?" Oh, Squalo could feel his blood pressure rising.
Bel merely grinned his trademark grin and shrugged, looking for all the world like a normal ten-year old answering a simple question.
"Squalo…" Levi began. Lussuria was now positively howling with laughter, clutching his sides as he leaned back on the sofa.
"VOOIII, SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Squalo reached over and yanked hard on a green-dyed fringe. Lussuria shot forward, still snickering despite his smarting hairline.
"It looks like little Bel-chan needs the talk about the birds and the bees~" he sang, wincing lest Squalo should decide to rearrange his hairstyle once more.
"Oi, I asked you to tell me what they're doing," Bel persisted. His fingers closed around a knife, relishing its cool and ragged texture.
Squalo found himself at a loss, unable to recover any vainglorious remark he had been about to say.
"You really don't know, do you?" he sighed irritably.
"Maybe Lussuria should fill him in," Levi suggested. "I want to finish the movie."
"Oh, I think not," Lussuria giggled. "I wouldn't want to give Bel-chan the…wrong idea." He licked his lips as he said this. "Leave it to Squalo, since he should fill all the roles of our temporary leader."
"Fuck no! I don't have time for that—Mammon's the oldest, he should do it!"
"I wouldn't do it even if you paid me to."
Levi crossed his arms. "I also refuse," he replied to Squalo's pernicious glare, "Though I agree with Lussuria that it should be Squalo's responsibility." If possible, that glare became even more lethal.
"Vooooiiii," he growled under his breath. Squalo inhaled deeply, blowing out a long stream of air.
"Fine," he relented. "Lussuria, let me borrow one of your porn books."
"What?" the other blanched. "No way, those are mine! Besides," he recovered, sniffing dignifiedly, "Those aren't appropriate for teaching the pleasures of life to a ten-year old. Believe me."
And Squalo did.
All this time Bel was watching them, idly chewing on his index finger. "Ne," he exclaimed, "Is there something you want to tell the Prince?"
Levi elbowed Squalo, who brushed a silver tress of hair away from his line of vision and snorted.
"Voooiii! We'll let you know tomorrow if you want to know so bad, ya damn br—"he was interrupted by a sharp pain on his cheekbone, followed by an all-too familiar warmth.
"Oh, you did not just cut me."
Belphegor chuckled, twirling a throwing knife about his small fingers. "Tell me now, fishy, or I'll break the T.V," he sang.
And Squalo, knowing that the kid would most certainly bother him about it until he got an answer, grabbed Bel, dragging him out of the room while uttering a rather colorful string of maledictions under his breath.
Levi propped his feet up on the couch's warm spot that was formally Squalo. "Finally, some peace and quiet," he murmured. A good portion of the film had gone by, and he focused on trying to make out the new characters on the screen.
"Hey Levi, do you think that guy has a bigger package than me?"
"Shut up, Lussuria."
"Ushishishi, you look uncomfortable, fishy."
"Vooiiiii!" Now in a vacant room down the hall, Squalo threw Bel into a chair. "Damn those guys," he muttered, while leaning up against the wall. Taking out five hundred guards simultaneously? Done. Infiltrating the Ninth's headquarters? Done. But giving 'the talk?' He was an assassin, for the mafia's sake, not a health teacher.
"Now, copulation," Squalo began, tone gruff and turgid. "I don't give a fuck if you're a genius and don't need to go to school, but you probably didn't learn about this when you were still shitting your diddies." If Xanxus heard about this when he thawed out, Squalo's reputation would be shot.
"So," he told Bel, clearing his throat, "A man has a thing, right?"
"Yes," Squalo replied tersely. "You could call it a…" He used the first word that popped into his mind, which was ironically, "Shark. There are different types of sharks, but all men have 'em."
Bel frowned behind his bangs. "How come girls don't have sharks, then?"
"Because…they have holes, you see."
"But the Prince has holes, too!" Bel grinned, pointing to his nostrils. "And look—"he opened his mouth—"An even bigger hole!" Squalo felt his right eyebrow sporadically begin to jitter.
"Are you contradicting me?" he roared. Bel's grin widened by a few molars. "Let me fucking finish! Voooiiiii!"
He began again, calming slightly. "So the women have holes and we have sharks. No—"
"Excuse me, fish-senpai, but I have a question."
"I can't find my shark. The Prince is looking all over but he doesn't see it."
As the movie went on, Levi swallowed, finding his mouth rather dry.
"Oi, Mammon," he spoke. "Get us some drinks."
"You're already up," Levi replied simply. The Arcobaleno frowned, but nevertheless floated out of the room.
He glided down the hall toward the Varia's kitchen, pausing only outside one door after hearing raucous shouting from behind it.
"PENIS! PENIS! PEE-NISS!!"
Mammon sighed under his hood, and continued on his way toward the kitchen.
Belphegor folded his arms. "Ushishi, so let me get this straight," he recapped, after a good hour had gone by.
"When a guy sees a pretty girl, he wants to put his shark in her hole, right? But it feels good, and that's why those guys were making those sounds in the movie. And sometimes the shark leaves baby sharks in the girl's hole."
Squalo slumped against the wall, pink-faced and panting. "Vooiiii, that's about it. Ya happy now, you brat?"
An idea struck Bel then. "But fish-senpai, how come fighting isn't sex? It feels good and we make tons of noises. And how come you've never put your shark in anyone's hole?"
Squalo's complexion became a little pinker. "I'm not answering that," he snarled, opening the door in a swift motion. His days of sexual pedagogy were over. "Now you know everything about reproduction and getting laid. Don't ever bother me again with this crap."
"Aww, is fish-senpai mad because he hasn't gotten any?"
A few moments later the two entered the other room, Squalo signifying his entrance with a drained "vooiiii" that had less enthusiasm than he'd intended. The other three Varia were watching the credits roll lazily up on the screen.
"Ah, Squalo," Levi greeted. Bel wore his usual smirk, popping up from behind Squalo's lanky form. Levi eyed Bel suspiciously. "Did you, um, teach him?"
Squalo plopped down on the sofa and rudely kicked Levi's feet off. "Of course I did. Now he understands fucking perfectly," he snapped. Mammon wore an unreadable expression beneath his mantle.
Lussuria rolled over on his stomach. "So does Bel-chan have any questions he wants to ask?" he hummed, regarding their youngest member through tinted lenses.
"Yeah," Bel piped up. "Can I see your shark?"
Lussuria blinked. "My shark?" He threw a glance at Squalo, who slapped a hand to his face exasperatedly.
Bel nodded, adjusting his tiara. "I want to put it in my hole."
Mammon coughed, once.
Levi's hair seemed to stand on end.
Squalo turned a florid shade of brick.
And Lussuria grinned.
Epilogue, six years later…
Strangely, after being frozen, Xanxus didn't look sixteen. His body had aged appropriately with time, showing the older physiognomy and build of a twenty-four year old. He saw that his trashy subordinates had changed as well, mostly physically. That Prince of Pussy had gotten taller since Xanxus had last seen him, and he for one was sixteen.
After missions the Varia would occasionally partake in a movie if they felt like it, but less often than they used to. As the Vongola expanded, the missions became laborious; they no longer had as much leisure time to spare as they once had. But today wasn't such a case.
"Xanxus-sama, wanna watch this with us?"
He looked over his shoulder to see Belphegor twirling a DVD between two fingers. Speak of the devil.
"Aren't you a little young to be watching something like that, trash?" he asked, rubbing a scar on his cheek absently and scowling.
"Mm-mm." Bel shook his head and smiled. "I know all about it. Squalo and the others filled me in a looong time ago. Ushishishi~"
As if on cue, a thump could be heard from the other room, followed by an exclamation of pain and vociferous cursing that was characteristic of only one Varia member. Bel looked up at Xanxus, silently daring him to demand clarification.
Xanxus thought it better if he didn't ask.
A/N: The actual prompt of this wasn't suggested by me, and I apologize if the Varia seem a little...not in character here. I tried to make them as in-character as possible, but it was difficult since we rarely see them when they're not fighting. The title is a line from the song 'Birds and Bees,' which is oddly fitting to their predicament here. Seriously, though. Belphegor joined the Varia when he was eight. Imagine being raised by these guys through puberty and all.