Disclaimer: I did not come up with this owner guide/manual idea. I believe that credit goes to an author by the name of Theresa Green, whose idea lead to the creation of owner guides in other categories. And of course, I do not own SUPERNATURAL. I do own a GRACE. I keep it in a bottle of water which naturally refills itself. Neat.
Supernatural Ware Inc.
CASTIEL: The Owners Guide and Maintenance Manual
CONGRATULATIONS! You are now the proud owner of a CASTIEL unit! In order to achieve optimal use of your Angel of the Lord the reading of this manual is essential. The development and care of your unit has been provided by our psychotic & tortured engineers at SWI (Supernatural Ware Inc.). And of course, some unwanted but given assistance from Heaven and Hell. They have some pushy bureaucrats . . . ahem.
As owner of our unit you are granted instant membership to our catalog of mythic creatures, ghosts & ghouls, demons, angels, demi-gods and other things that go bump in the magical netherworld. It is our mission to provide you with fun and frights. Now if that occasionally leaves some dead bodies . . . well, we've got a crack team of lawyers on hold courtesy of Zachariah.
Your CASTIEL unit should arrive fully assembled and in upright conditions. Please check to make sure you have all of his accessories (see list below).
Full Name: Castiel
AKA: Cas, Angel of Thursday, Angel of the Lord, Holy Tax Accountant, Heartless Bastard (literally), Uriels Partner, Deans Angel, The Lords Hammer, The Hot Angel, etc.
Porn Name: Divinely Endowed
Manufacturer: Supernatural Ware Inc.
Age: Many, many, many , many, many, (catches breath), many, many, many, many, many centuries ago
Date of Production: Fourth Day of Creation
Height: Human Vessel between 58-61. Angel-we are so not taking a peek & burning our eyes out. Our lawyers had enough work with the last couple of folks who tried that shit.
Weight: He is able to defy gravity. I mean, damn, this is really a moot point.
One ANGELIC WARDROBE (Used Trench coat, Not quite fitted suit, Blue tie, Black Dress Shoes, etc.)
One GRACE (insert thru mouth)
One PAIR OF BLACK WINGS
One HOLY SWORD (yes, there is a flaming option. just press the red button on the hilt)
One COPY OF THE WINCHESTER GOSPEL (yep. the one with full frontal Dean)
Replacement and additional items must be purchased from the local branch of SWI in your area or visit us online.
To activate your CASTIEL unit all you have to do is follow these simple instructions:
1. Lay your unit flat on the floor. Note: Nude is optional, not a requirement!
2. Turn on the TV. Or stereo or computer. Some electronic device or something like that.
3. Say your unit's name three times (like Beetlejuice)! Insert earplugs or something into ears.
4. The unit will slowly sit up and attempt to speak. Electronic devices will emit static and possibly blow up.
5. After two attempts to speak the CASTIEL unit will focus on you and stare in your eyes.
6. Ok, it's safe to remove earplugs. You can continue to stare dreamily into your unit's eyes for a bit longer if you like. If not, just demand to know who he is.
7. CASTIEL unit will then introduce himself and then threaten to throw you back in Hell if you disrespect him.
8. Dont panic! Your unit's bark is worse than his bite. Just stay away from his holy two finger touch and you will be able to kick his ass with no problem. Poor CASTIEL unit just sucks at hand to hand combat, after all.
MODES OF OPERATION
ANGEL OF THE LORD: An extension of the Lord's Will and Messenger of His Word (or we guess Evil Senior Angel Management?), he is akin to a mob enforcer and soldier rolled into one. Do not be mistaken by that pretty face! He has spent thousands of years in the trenches. He may throw soft punches but he can take the hard ones in the face. However, he'll usually end up on the floor (poor baby). CASTIEL unit has faith in his Father though doubts about his orders continuously plague him. He will always strive to "toe the company" line while also struggling to do the right thing. He is most comfortable following orders rather than giving them. This does not mean he won't think for himself when the situation warrants it. Thus, his loyalty is his strength and his weakness. Yet, his faith to do good will eventually lead him right. Please keep in mind that the CASTIEL unit will not be administrating sermons to you or trying to convert you. He will respect you if you in return respect him.
ACTIVATED UPON CERTAIN CONDITIONS
LOVER: So, you want to experience a new intense level of kink: SEX with an angel of the lord! Guess what? Odds of that happening are so bad we recommend not even making the attempt. All right, take a moment to absorb this quite depressing revelation. Good? Need a drink? Okay, moving on. The human vessel is very endowed but your angelic unit is very limited in his range of emotions and in turn expressing those emotions physically. You'd better learn to be satisfied with some intense eye!fucking and very mild making out (a kiss on the check!). If you're looking for hot & steamy sex then you'd better invest in a DEAN unit. Or if you like it rough (biting, wrestling) a SAM unit.
CONFIDANT: As an Angel of the Lord, it is in his holy make-up to LISTEN. So whenever you are troubled he will always patiently listen no matter how long you talk. Plus, he will never interrupt unlike your significant other (ahem). This is a real blessing. He will always keep your secrets provided you never tell another soul about his own secrets. If you betray the trust of the CASTIEL unit be prepared to lose eye!sex!
YOGA INSTRUCTOR: Your unit is very bendy. That is all.
CLEANING AND GENERAL CARE
1. Diet. No food or drink required. However, he does feel sustained by being outdoors where he can bask in his Father's works of nature. Note: That does not include watching you sunbathe in the nude.
2. Bathing. Your unit has no particular bathing preference. Whatever you like will suit him fine.
3. Hair care. Your unit is not very particular about his hair either. You can tease it up to achieve a feathery like angelic hairdo. Or you can just go with the classic just woke up tousled look.
4. Exercise. Flying everywhere does not equal a flabby unit! Dont listen to your DEAN unit on this matter. Flying is a big time calorie burning physical activity. Never suggest your unit is overweight. He might smite you with holy lightening.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: I'm uncomfortable in a religious fashion with my CASTIEL unit. Do I have to attend Church now or something? I feel guilty just looking at him! Make it stop!
A: Did you read the damn fine print that came with your unit?! It is not our job nor your CASTIEL unit to handle your crisis of faith. If you are still within the 30 day return period then send your unit back for a full refund. If it is past 30 days, then well . . . youre screwed. Plus, youre a dumbass.
Q: Hey, can I de-grace my CASTIEL unit?
A: For some reason, that question sounds really perverted . . . anyway, no you cannot. If you lose the GRACE then you must purchase another or your unit will not function properly.
Q: Can the CASTIEL unit become pregnant? I dont want no little angel babies running around.
A: We extremely doubt it.
Q: I never wash my unit's clothes. Yet, they always look pretty clean. Whats going on?
A: The GRACE is multi-functional. In addition to providing amazing cosmic powers, it also cleans and leaves a lemony fresh smell.
Q: How do I make the CASTIEL units eyes glow with heavenly light?
A: Recite some long verses of Latin. Specifically, the naughty kind.
For questions or concerns not addressed in this guide, please feel free to contact us at our website or mailing address:
SUPERNATURAL WARE INC
PO BOX 666
LAWRENCE, KS 60661
Authors note: I was bored during work today and thinking about my favorite angel Castiel. This is what happened, lol. It is not betad & sort of rough. Probably, grammar mistakes. If it gave you a laugh though I consider my job done. Reviews welcome! :)