WARNING: contains YAOI. 'nuff said ^^


Kaoru's feelings for his twin wars with his desire to see Hikaru happy.


Namida wa Shiteiru

My eyes open, half-lidded, with an intended haze as I observe my surroundings with mock indifference and boredom. I stare at random objects in succession: the floating dust motes dancing in the stream of afternoon sunlight; the silhouette of bodies' harried movements behind a curtain; tea sets arranged meticulously on trays ready for distribution; flowers arranged artfully and expensively as centerpieces; and finally the real object of my pursuit – the sleeping form of my twin brother across from where I sit.

Almost abruptly, I close my eyes willing the image to be burned in my mind. I also do not want to get caught looking at him as if I were in need of a fix and only he can satisfy my high. I sigh in my mind. This is sick. I muse with a secret smile. And also so true.

I perfectly recall the smooth lines of his jaw nestled in the curve his hand created, the expansion of his chest rising in tune to his even breathing, his lips parted in innocent sleep. I sigh in my mind. Looking at Hikaru is such a guilty pleasure for my depraved mind. Ironically, I simply have to glance at a mirror to see his image but I know it is simply not the same.

"Kaoru. Hikaru." I heard from somewhere at my side. "The host club will open soon."

I open an eye, irritation clearly showing in my expression. I was concentrating so hard on the picture of Hikaru lost in slumber. Haruhi was standing a few yards away, unaware of my annoyance.

I closed my eyes again hoping that I will be left alone with my mind and the pictures it conjures to satisfy my fixation. Hikaru asleep. Hikaru awake. Hikaru lying on our bed barely clothed and enjoying his latest addition to his CD collection. Hikaru soaking wet from a sudden downpour and changing his clothes, pulling his shirt over his head… Hikaru. Hikaru. Hikaru.

The bustling of girls entering the third music room finally pull me from my reverie. I noticed through my peripheral vision that Hikaru has settled beside me and was ready to while away a few hours of hosting. I sigh this time for real.

"Kaoru?" I heard him speak. His velvet-like voice wrapped around me and filled my senses with an exhilarating high. It was almost orgasmic. All these from just hearing him utter my name. I shudder at myself.

I look at him this time, seeing the question in his eyes.

"I just want to go home, that's all" I smile at him.

This seemed to pacify him. He returned my smile as the first of our customers arrived.

– Hikaru pulled me into his embrace and wrapped an arm around me, his hand lying dangerously low at my hips. Automatically, the fingers of one of my hands were entwined at the hair on his nape. My other hand curved around his jaw. His other hand mimicked my hand at his jaw then his fingers shifted so his thumb was rubbing delicately against my lower lip.

"Hi – Hikaruu..." I whisper breathlessly. All semblance of reason flew from my mind as I gazed into his amber eyes, drunk in the molten gold, drowning in their depths.

"You seemed so lonely, Kaoru, lost in thought. What are you thinking about?" his head dipped lower and closer to my face. I could see the individual strands of his eyelashes and I could feel his breath fan over my face gently.

"I was just… remembering last night" I flushed the deepest red I could summon. It wasn't really that hard to turn into a deep scarlet given our current position and the context of our exchange. But what nagged the recesses of my mind was that the primary reason why it was VERY easy to blush was because I had forgotten my line from staring at Hikaru's eyes.

Hikaru noticed my slip at about the same time I did and I could see it in his eyes but he didn't give me away. I mentally pulled at my hair and bemoaned what idiocy made me fail to recall what I was supposed to say. My slip sobered me up somewhat and I remembered that I was supposed to complain that he wasn't paying me enough attention. And then it hit me. Oh my God. Last night I was watching Hikaru in deep sleep, knowing he was naked under the sheets and what little the thin blanket covered left very little to the imagination.

"Hmmm?" To cover up for me Hikaru gave a devious grin and bent his head a little lower.

"Ne, Kaoru. Help me remember what happened last night." His head dipped another notch and his lips suddenly brushed against mine once, twice before grinning at me.

My eyes were wide with shock and panic was quickly filling up my mind. I became aware of the fan girls' fluttering hearts thundering away; the girls themselves close to the brink of fainting from hyperventilation. It was the first kiss they had seen us share. They could all drop dead for all I care. I was entirely focused on what was happening to me right now.

I suddenly couldn't breathe. I pushed Hikaru away shouting that I couldn't take it anymore. Left with nothing else to do and nowhere else to go, I ran away from Hikaru, from the customers, and from the host club. I could feel their stares burn into my back. I scampered thoughtlessly away from the third music room, rounding corners mindlessly, giving into the need to just be away from it all. I ran and ran until my lungs were heaving with exhaustion. My sides were burning with pain. But it was nothing compared to the ache I could feel in my throat and I swallowed repeatedly to thwart the treacherous escape of tears threatening to overflow.

I sat back against a wall, unsure of where I am; not that I really care. I pushed the heels of my hands against my eyes as if that could stop the tears as well. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I thought to myself. It was a mantra I had been singing in my head since leaving Hikaru and the others behind. And I was doing such a good job of hiding it all from Hikaru.

Too absorbed in my misery, I belatedly realized that someone had approached me. I stiffened up in realization. There is no doubt as to who would come after me.

I felt Hikaru, gasping from the lack of air, sit at my side and lean his head against my shoulder. We stayed like that and were quiet for some time and I was immensely grateful. It gave me a chance to calm down my chaotic thoughts and my frantic feelings. I was also able to put a semblance of order in my mind and wait for Hikaru to start asking questions.

"Gomen ne, Kaoru" I heard him say quietly. "I shouldn't have done that. I apologize."

"NO!" I fairly shouted. "You - you don't have to apologize. I – I'm sorry. It's my fault. Don't blame yourself Hikaru."

Hikaru's eyes were first confused then angry. "I will apologize because it IS my fault. Don't attempt to make me feel better with platitudes I can't believe!"

I wanted to wring my hands in frustration. Gnashing at my teeth also seemed like a good idea. How can he blame himself!

"It clearly is my fault. I wasn't feeling like myself. I forgot my lines." So that was to be my excuse. "I left you with nothing to go on. Please don't say you're sorry. I won't accept it." I looked him straight in the face when I said this while holding his shoulders firmly willing him to believe in me and accept what I say.

He was clearly more than annoyed when he stood up abruptly, brushing my hands away. He left me there dazed from all that has happened and this time it was I who had to run after him. I barely made it as he climbed into our limo. I was pretty sure if I hadn't gone after him that he would've left me alone. His anger was almost tangible; the atmosphere inside the vehicle suffocating. He continuously ignored me, turning his back to me and stared out the window. I couldn't have been more alone than if I were actually alone. He wouldn't listen to me and I couldn't make him understand.

"Please don't do this." I whisper dejectedly to his still form. I reached out to take hold of his hand but he rejected all my attempts at reconciliation. The tears I had swallowed earlier were now stinging the back of my eyes. I turned my back to him knowing that it was a long, long ride home with no hope of deliverance form the misery.

My eyes open again, this time the gaze was met by the sight of the ceiling in our room. I give a slight shiver from the cold. I am sure that the cold is more from our fight than from the AC unit. I look over at Hikaru. He looks so… dejected. I realize gloomily. I know what I have to do to make him smile again but I also know it would be an outright lie if I would accept his reasoning that the recent incident that afternoon was his to blame. I just want Hikaru to be happy. I kept the madness eating away at me from him. I wanted to protect him from it. I wanted to save him from me. But I slipped up and now he blames himself. I shake my head in wretchedness at how his convoluted mind could work like so.

"Hikaru." I try again.

No response.

I stood up and sat beside him on the bed. I put my arm around him and snuggled into his neck. "Hikaru. Daijobu yo. I forgive you. Please forgive me also." My teeth worried my lower lip.

I looked up to him and I could see a ghost of a smile on his lips. "I can't bear it when we fight. Let's stop already." I was on the verge of begging but when his arm wound about my shoulder I knew that we were finally okay.

"How was today?" I asked casually. I spent most of my free time during the day with Kyouya which was why I was drinking in the sight of Hikaru before the host club opened.

"I was just with Haruhi" was his reply. I looked at him waiting for him to expound on what he said.

"Ano sa, Kaoru…." He seemed unsure of what to say or how to say it.

"Nani?" I asked lightly. I didn't want him to feel pressure to give more details lest he change the topic to something more comfortable…for both of us. Why did I have a premonition of something dreadful about to happen? I stopped breathing, waiting for him to speak again.

He fiddled with his thumbs and looked down. "I think I'm really in love with Haruhi" He let out in one breath, eager to get it out his mouth and off his chest.

I was frozen in place. When did this happen? I thought I was so closely attuned to Hikaru that I would notice something like this even before it began to occur or even before he realized it himself. My heart was breaking into a thousand pieces and I knew there was no way it could be whole again.

"Kaoru?" He looked up at me then. I realized I hadn't said anything in response and I still felt frozen. I had to remind myself to breathe.

"Sou ka na? Ii da yo, ne?" I give a small smile.

"You think so?" He asked excitedly. I could easily imagine him with puppy-dog-love-filled eyes. I laugh at this. It was a poignant laugh but he was too ecstatic to notice.

"You and Haruhi make a good couple. You look good together if I say so, myself." I wink at him, aiming at joviality in spite of the despair clouding my heart, suffocating me.

"Honto?! Um… Where are you going, Kaoru?"

I suddenly became conscious of the fact that I was walking fast away from him. "I'm going to take a shower." It was the first excuse I could think of.

"It's almost midnight!" he exclaimed. "Daijobu desu ka, Kaoru?" he asked suspiciously.

"Hai hai. I just feel sticky." I laugh again, making a run for the bathroom, closing the door firmly as if it could shut the pain out. I turned the shower on and I leaned against the door, fighting to keep a grip on reality, on myself. I shudder convulsively as I try to keep the numbness threatening to overcome me at bay. But, I'm not so sure if I should fight this deadening sensation slowly creeping up my limbs to take root in the center of my chest.

I stand on shaky legs, stripped off my clothes, stepping into the shower. I gasp audibly as the icy water prickle my skin, a thousand needles making me aware of the slowly receding effects of the numbness in my being. It was so cold and I felt so bereft. By this time, I feel warm moisture on my face mingling in contrast with the deluge of water. I decided to let it out of my chest to get it over with. My eyes felt hot as I cried brokenly, leaning my head against the walls, whimpering, knowing there was no hope of solace from the person I needed it from. It is not his to give and especially not mine to take. He doesn't have to know about this. Feeling drained after the long cry with goose bumps all over my skin from the chill, I step out and haphazardly dry myself, stepping into a pair of pajama bottoms.

When I enter the bedroom, Hikaru was fast asleep already lost in his dreams. He was smiling in his sleep. His dreams must be pleasant. I shudder at the cold I'm feeling both from the shower I had taken and from the cold enveloping me again. I lay down on the bed in quiet contemplation. And as if to poke at my wounds, Hikaru flung an arm around my waist and snuggled into my shoulder, giving a sigh of contentment. I groan a little, remembering Hikaru's kiss that afternoon. It was my very first kiss. It irked me a little that there was an audience when Hikaru's lips brushed ever so tenderly over my own. My fingers linger on my lips helping me remember; feeding my obsession. I realize belatedly that given Hikaru's recent declaration I could no longer supply my mind with imaginings of what I know are impossible dreams. I have to go cold turkey. I push all further thoughts about The Kiss from my mind and I concentrate instead on less pleasant things.

My lips curve into a little painful, knowing smile. I could feel that sleep will not claim me and allow the sweet escape I badly need. I decided I will make the most of tonight as my last indulgence. I brushed my lips against Hikaru's forehead quietly, once, twice. His arm tightened around me. After checking that he is still asleep, I leaned over his huddled form. "I love you, Hikaru. I love you in ways you'll never even begin to imagine." It was a whispered declaration against his silken auburn hair; a caress, and an oath. Twin tears rolled slowly down my cheeks.

JIBIKI (Dictionary)

Gomen (nasai) ~ I am sorry; pardon me; excuse me

Daijobu yo ~ all right; safe; fine; I am (It is) all right

Ano sa ~ "hey" ("about that" works too =D)

nani ~ What

Sou ka na ~ is that so

Ii da yo, ne ~ that's good, isn't it?

Honto ni ~ really, truly, indeed

desu ka ~ denotes a question

Hai ~ yes

Namida wa shiteiru ~ tears know


here it is ~ my first fan fiction.

I would appreciate constructive criticisms so much. review please!

English is my second language and I am a follower of the Self-Study-Japanese-Movement. If I have made mistakes please do tell me about it. ^^;

See y'all in the next chapters to come, hopefully. I'm thanking you in advance for that review =) Make my day!