Well, in all my days as a writer I never thought that I would ever be writing a yaoi fic... let alone a crack one!
The idea for this came from one very insane conversation with my brother and I simply just had to write it. Even if it was just to prove a point to him that I would. its his idea - I just wrote the story and added some stuff, so I'd say its a collaborative effort :)
This one has taken me 18 whole days to write, caused countless writer crackdeaths, numerous beta crackdeaths, is 4,334 words long, and has caused me (and no doubt my beta reader) a catastrophic amount of pain since we laughed so hard during the writing and editing process.
I tell ya, I'm never gonna be able to look at Aizen or Gin the same way ever again. And never again will I be able to hear the word "spoon" without laughing. Ever. Thankyou my dear brother, thankyou.
Anyway, enjoy the senseless humour. This is just pure insane crack so don't take it too seriously. Saying that, I hope I don't taint your minds too much! Oh, and also, I don't own bleach!
[you may not want to eat, drink or talk on the phone when you read this, or read it late at night – just a warning]
The consequences of losing a bet
Somewhere in the real world...
"Aizen chaaaan," Gin moaned from behind the dressing room door, "do I really gotta wear this?"
"Now, now Gin, you lost the wager."
Gin gave another exasperated sigh. He had lost a bet the other day that now had him in quite a predicament.
"Alright, but ya gotta promise not ta laugh."
The door then slowly creaked open to reveal Gin, modeling a very Misa Amane style dress with an expression of extreme distaste as Aizen tried to restrain his laughter. Gin was not amused.
"It's a bit much..."
"I think it suits you Gin. Rather becoming I must say."
"I'd rather 'ave the maid outfit..."
"Suit yourself. You're the one who's going to have to wear it for three days."
Gin growled in frustration as Aizen held out the maid attire on a hanger on his index finger as he stood leaning against the wall of the department store. Gin snatched it off him quickly and slammed the door to the fitting room before anybody else could see him in the Misa dress. If only he hadn't made that stupid wager about Grimmjow he wouldn't be in this mess...
"What about this one Gin?" Aizen questioned, holding out a long length white floaty dress and smirking his signature grin. How he liked to watch Ichimaru squirm.
"Yer enjoyin' this aren't ya?"
"Now whatever makes you say that Gin?"
Gin growled in annoyance again. Cursing as he attempted to pull on the garment that had just been handed to him.
"No! I aint wearin' the Monroe one!"
"Oh, but don't you want to look sexy Gin?" Aizen then added, in one of the sultriest tones imaginable. "And I picked you out some matching heels as well..."
Gin cursed to himself again, Aizen was being sarcastic.
"Alright fine, if ya want me ta wear it tha' much we'll get both of 'em but I sure hell aint wearin' that Misa dress!"
Aizen just smirked again as he handed over his credit card to the cashier, who was now giving Gin a really filthy look. Gin just glared daggers as Aizen took the bag from him.
And with that Aizen left the department store, shortly followed by Gin in his new French maid outfit. Complete with heels and a feather duster.
The next day after waking up Gin decided that he might as well wear the Monroe dress that Aizen had picked out for him. It was day one, and Gin thought that he might as well get the worst of the dresses out of the way. So he grudgingly pulled it on and slipped into the pair of white stiletto heels and stepped out into the kitchen, supposedly ready to face the victor of the little bet they had made.
"Ah, good morning Gin." Aizen greeted him with the straightest of faces. Acting like it was a normal day as he sat with his newspaper at the breakfast table. Gin sighed; this was going to one hell of a long day.
"I have another assignment for you."
"What is it?"
"You are to go to this address, you will receive further instructions when you arrive."
"Is this some kinda joke?"
"No, I'm quite serious. Oh, and you will have to walk."
"In these heels? Yer jokin'!"
"Need I remind you exactly who lost the wager?" How Aizen loved to rub it in.
Gin snatched the paper that Aizen had slid across the table to him and reluctantly made his way out of the front door and out into the street.
It was a sunny day, a day much like any other. Except for the fact that Gin felt utterly ridiculous as he marched down the street to the address he had been given. He couldn't believe this. Not only did he have to wear a dress, but now he had to go walking down the street in it. Saying that Gin was not amused would have been an understatement.
He was currently walking down Pentonville Road when he very nearly jumped out of his skin as a car full of juvenile delinquents [these being his stalker fangirls] drove past, honking the horn right in his ear and giving off catcalls and wolf whistles.
"Hey pretty lady!"
"OH how rude!"
They carried on driving though, which was good since Gin really didn't want to be harassed. Wait, did that mean that he was sexy? Hmm, maybe that wasn't such a bad thing after all, but nonetheless he still felt annoyed at having to wear this ridiculous outfit. So still he marched off down the street, unaware that he was heading for an open vent, which blew his dress up much further than it was supposed to go, so he had to use both his hands to try and get it down again to cover himself as he snarled in annoyance.
"Aiya! Now this is just perfect! When these three days is over I'm gonna kill Aizen fer this!"
Elsewhere, behind a very conveniently - "conveniently" - located bush, meaning, a Kyouga Suigetsu created bush, Aizen was waiting with a pair of binoculars and watching the Ichimaru enactment of the famous photograph of Marylin Monroe with an expression of amusement, snickering at his evil plan. Much to the displeasure of Tousen who was accompanying him.
"You are a very evil man you do know that Aizen?"
"Why no Tousen, whatever gave you that idea?" Aizen responded in his most sarcastic of manners, drenching his words with utter disdain as he continued to watch Ichimaru through the lenses of his binoculars.
He then took out his cell phone and dialed in a number.
In the meantime, Gin was still waging the war with his awkward Monroe dress when his cell phone started ringing the tune of "dude looks like a lady".
Apparently Aizen had also changed his ring tone.
"Great jus' great." he snarled again as he fumbled through his purse looking for the ringing device. Finding it, he took a look at the number and answered it, only to find a very creepy and sinister male voice on the other end of the line.
"I'm watching you…"
"Aizen is that you?"
"Aizen-chan I know it's you. I got caller ID remember?"
Aizen, whose voice had now returned to its normal tone, responded to this quickly, trying to think up an excuse as to why he was calling. Cursing the very soul of the one who had invented caller identification.
"Damn you Bob Yetso..."
"So, why'er ya callin' me?"
"Err… well… ah, I'm just... checking up on you… yes that'll do, and err… well, your work is shoddy… c-carry on."
Aizen then hung up and resumed his Gin watching, leaving a very confused and bewildered Ichimaru standing there above the vent. Quite oblivious to what was going on behind the scenes.
Aizen was still watching through his binoculars, quite amused with how well his plan was working.
"Aizen-sama, may I ask you something? Why are we stalking Ichimaru?"
Still Aizen was too preoccupied with his Gin watching to respond. He was in a complete daze.
"Aizen-sama… Aizen-sama…" Tousen called out to him trying to get his attention by waving his hand in front of Aizen's face, but still with no reaction. "I think we've lost him…"
Aizen ordered, never once looking away from his binoculars.
"Just burn him, get him out of my sight."
Tousen screamed as Ulquiorra's hands suddenly appeared through the garganta behind them and dragged him away as Aizen chuckled to himself at the evilness of his plans.
Upon his arrival to said address given to him by Aizen, Ichimaru Gin had just turned the corner of Fleet Street when he was met with a run down building. He looked at the paper again to double check the address.
"Looks like its the right address."
Still wondering about exactly why Aizen had told him to go here, Gin decided to walk in. Albeit against his better judgment. Well, he was already being forced to wear a dress, so what more could Aizen do to him?
It was quite dark inside. There were a couple of pool tables and a few random poles about the place, which Gin thought a bit strange. Why were there poles everywhere? All of the other places in the real world he had been to didn't seem to have these poles though, but he never knew why. There must be a reason for them, surely.
"Are you Gin?"
"Good. You're hired."
Oh, now I see. Aizen-chan must want me to work here. He thought, still quite unaware of the situation that he was now in.
"And what kinda work am I gonna be doin' for ya Mister Trump?"
Later that night, Aizen was on his way through the streets of London, heading to the aforementioned address. When he got to the building he went in, making sure that nobody could see his face. After all, it would be a disgrace for the king of Las Noches to be seen in a place like this.
The music was loud. Not deafeningly loud, but still quite loud. It was dimly lit as well, and the atmosphere seemed to be like one of those from behind the scenes of a photo shoot, only much more corrupted.
Aizen calmly made his way in through the crowd and took his seat at the bar, having ordered himself a drink while waiting for the nights entertainment.
Okay, so now Gin was blindfolded. Not being able to see made things a lot more difficult, since he couldn't even see what he looked like or what he was now wearing – or rather, what he wasn't wearing. He got this strange feeling that this was a cruel trick that had been played on him. Also, he didn't have the faintest clue as to what he was supposed to do. All he could gather was that it was something to do with a pole...
But he was being paid at least, so he had to do what they told him to do. Aizen probably had good reason for it anyway. Well, he was going to be paid, but not in a way that he had expected.
"Alright GinGin you're on in five minutes."
Meanwhile, about two minutes before the show would start, Aizen then managed to find the DJ and deftly hand to him the latest Lady GaGa soundtrack. Abusing his association with the owner of the establishment – Donald Trump.
"You got it!"
Okay, so now it was time for Gin to go on stage, the lights were dimmed, the stage was set and Gin was all dressed up ready. He was wearing a short white poofed skirt that came to about halfway down his thighs. It wasn't a tight fitting mini skirt, so it did flow with his movements and allowed for his legs to get air. In addition to this, he was also wearing a white corset to match. And of course, he was blindfolded as well as this. So sadly he was unable to see how he looked in his new attire. But there would be time for that later, besides, he wasn't exactly sure that he really wanted to see how he looked. As sexy as his new outfit was on him...
But anyway, it was time for him to go on. The stage was set, the spotlight was on and Gin was being ushered by his new and pushy manager onto the stage.
"But what am I supposed to do?"
"Just get out there and make me some money!"
The music started playing and the lights were on, but Gin still had no clue as to what he was supposed to do to make this money.
"Trump-sama! What am I supposed ta do?"
"Just dance! Dance with the pole! And be sexy about it!"
Dance? With the pole? How on earth would he do that? He couldn't even see. But Gin thought that he had better do something or else he would be fired from his new job, and then have to explain to Aizen why he got the sack. So in the end he decided to improvise.
"Sexy huh? Oh well, here goes nothin'..."
And so with that, Gin started to dance. He didn't really have a clue what he was doing exactly, but the audience - and the many fangirls present - seemed to like it as he moved and twirled about the pole.
"Can't read my, can't read my, no he can't read my pokerface..."
Gin was thoroughly enjoying himself up there, singing and dancing and throwing his head back as he laughed and moved to the music.
"She's gotta love nobody..."
How he swiveled his hips as he danced, moving so fluidly around the pole on stage. Flaunting himself so effortlessly, making himself so obscenely available to the fans in his audience. Enjoying every second of it as he revelled in the delight of suggestively seducing them with his movements.
One person in particular, namely Aizen Sousuke, was very impressed. Choosing to make his way through the crowd and near to the stage from his seat at the bar. Making sure that nobody spilled any drink on him. If he went back home smelling of alcohol, then Gin would suspect him, so a fair amount of skill and subtlety was needed.
He deftly removed his wallet from the back pocket of his jeans and then took out the cash, and then very very skillfully, he reached out to the pole dancing 'GinGin' Ichimaru and pulled back the string to his lingerie, quickly and quietly inserting the money there and then releasing it so it snapped back into place. Quite pleased with himself at how effectively this evil plan of his was going to work.
Gin had never felt so objectified in all his life. Not only did he feel offended, but he thought that this was just insulting. How dare this person do that!
He gasped. Horrified.
Gin yelled, turning around quickly as he aggressively slapped the offender in the face, causing him to go flying out of the nearest window. The sound of breaking glass echoing around the room upon his impact. After a few moments of stunned silence the music resumed and Gin started dancing again.
The next morning after walking into the kitchen back in Las Noches in his maid outfit for day two, Gin couldn't help but notice the rather large red hand print on Aizen's face.
"Ne? Aizen-chan, why 'ave ya got a big ol' red handprint on yer face?"
"Tousen slapped me."
Aizen responded coyly, taking another sip from his tea. Then the skeleton of Kaname Tousen chained to the wall yelled out in objection to that statement.
"That is a lie and you know it!"
The wall which the skeleton was chained to then revolved around and the screams of Kaname Tousen could be heard as he was incinerated behind the scene.
"Wait, no! aaaargh!"
"So Ichimaru, how is work going?"
"Well it aint borin'. I slapped some guy for insultin' me th'other day..."
Aizen responded in his usual tone, taking yet another sip from his tea as he and Gin sat down to eat their breakfast. Resisting the urge to rub the now throbbing hand print on the side of his face.
On his second day at 'work' after doing his routine, Gin was approached by a very mysterious and shady looking businessman. With squared glasses and shocking pink hair. Who had a very dramatic and feminine attitude that reminded him so much of Cruella De-Vill.
"GinGin! Darling! That was absolutely marvelous! I simply must have you on my television network!"
"Ya mean ya want lil ol me?"
"Why of course darling! You absolutely MUST appear on my show! And Szayel Grantz does not take no for an answer..."
"Well alright then…"
Back in Las Noches, both Aizen and the skull of Tousen Kaname were sitting on the giant sofa and quietly watching the television and quite bored as they were flicking through the many cable channels that they had illegal access to.
Aizen sighed. "What is it Tousen?"
"I could have sworn that I just saw Ichimaru!"
"Tousen, don't be ridiculous."
"Oh really, then go back two channels."
Aizen did so, and was quite surprised to find that Ichimaru Gin now had his own networked television show. Appropriately named 'Happy Sweets'.
It was a cooking show, where Gin, or rather now 'GinGin', as that was now his stage name, was currently showing the thousands of viewers how to make various candy treats with which he could make his enemies fat, wearing his frenchie maid costume. Much to the un amusement of Tousen.
"Right, that's it. I'm leaving."
Aizen watched as the skull bounced its way out of the room and closed the door behind him. He then paused, and after about three seconds of complete silence, started to laugh much like Light Yagami.
"MWUHAHAHAHA! My plan is working perfectly!"
He cackled, not even trying to restrain himself.
"This is PERFECT! Everything is falling into place!" He laughed again as he threw his head back in sheer joy of the sight he had seen, before recomposing himself and smirking his signature grin.
Ulquiorra, having heard the insane maniacal laughter coming from behind the closed door, noticed the little skull as he was walking past. So he stopped walking, and decided to ask what all the noise was about.
"What is wrong with Aizen-sama?"
"He has become a pervert."
Ulquiorra gasped upon hearing this, narrowing his eyes down upon the little skull that had just insulted his master.
"That is disrespectful to Aizen-sama. You will burn for this!"
He then stated, as he picked up the skull and carried him away to yet again be incinerated for his sin. Nobody spoke ill of Aizen to Ulquiorra. Not ever.
On day three of the dress wearing, Gin found himself at work again late in the evening when he was approached by his manager after jumping off the stage.
"GinGin, you've got a client asking for you. Table five."
"Oh alright then."
No doubt it was a client with a lot of money, otherwise he would not have been given the pleasure of Gin's company by his manager or his agent. So Gin needed to impress this person if he had any hope at all of staying in the business. Therefore he decided to wander over there and make an impression. Taking small steps just in case he tripped over in his heels and embarrassed himself by falling over.
"Why hello there"
It was a male, which surprised Gin because normally it was the fangirls that requested his company. And he had a rather sultry and provocative tone to his voice, which Gin found to be rather mysterious. It was quite dark and poorly lit in the club now since there was a rave going on, so Gin couldn't see this man's face properly.
It is Aizen, but Gin does not know this.
"Would you like me to buy you a drink?"
Now, Gin was never one to refuse a drink, much less a free one. So he agreed. Unaware of the consequences that it would hold for him in the immediate future. But that does not bother him. He was having fun and partying. He was enjoying himself. Plus he was sure that he had danced with this client before.
They had wandered over to the bar, talking and laughing as both of them took a seat on the barstools as Aizen ordered them two vodka shots.
"Drink my pretty, there's more where that came from." Aizen smiled as he raised his glass to Gin, watching him down the shot he had in his hand.
"Would you like another?"
"If yer payin'"
Aizen then handed Gin yet another drink and watched him down it.
But it was then that Gin realized something. It tasted strange, not like any drink he'd had before.
"Hey, this tastes kinda funny, ah- did ya just drug me?"
Gin stammered as he tried to stand up and then fell to the floor off his chair, passing out. Aizen just smirked. This really was too easy...
Later, after the bar had closed and everyone had gone home for the night, both Trump and Szayel were trying to wake up their starlet who was passed out on the floor.
"He's not waking up." Trump replied, watching Szayel try to wake Gin up.
"Maybe I should take him?" Aizen asked.
"Yes, Sousuke, that is a good idea."
Aizen then scooped up Gin in his arms and moved out towards the door, Gin's limbs hanging loosely down and swinging as Aizen walked.
"You will take care of him won't you?" Asked Szayel, who was now quite concerned for Gin's health.
"Oh yes..." said Aizen, now carrying the unconscious body of Ichimaru Gin out of the door. "I will take... very - good - care of him..."
He smirked, trying very hard now to mask his sinister tone and expression as he left.
Oh yes, now Aizen could do what he wanted... and poor poor Gin had to endure an entire night of Sousuke doing such terrible things to him, having fallen prey to his sinister plans.
"Oh yes," Aizen smiled "we are going to have fun tonight my dear…"
The next morning back in Las Noches, Aizen woke up rather slowly. He had used a long lasting form of tranquilizer that he had invented, so he found that he had some time alone in his bed with Gin to spoon.
He decided that he rather liked spooning, especially with Gin. But eventually the realization dawned upon him that Gin would indeed wake up soon and so he had to put on some clothes and make his way down into the kitchen for something to eat, picking up the packet of cigarettes on the table as he left before softly closing the door behind him.
Gin woke up several hours later. It was late in the morning and he found that his body was quite sore as he tried to drag himself out of Aizen's bed. Wait, why was he in Aizen's bed? Just how much had he drank that night to end up here?
Oh well, at least he was here and not in the living room of some crazed pervert...
And it was after the third day, so he could finally go back to wearing his shihakusho again. That was it, no more dress wearing. But pulling it on he realized his joints to be quite stiff and his behind to be very sore.
As he made his way down into the kitchen, he rubbed his butt as he walked in.
"Aiya! Man I'm sore, 'ow much did I drink las' night?"
It was then that he noticed that Aizen was sitting quite laid back on his chair, smiling and smoking a cigarette. Which was strange really since Aizen didn't normally smoke.
"Hey Aizen-chan, ya don't normally smoke. What happened, d'ya get laid or somethin'?"
Aizen just smiled, seemingly quite satisfied with himself as he took yet another hit of his cigarette.
a/n: Well, if you haven't passed out from laughing yet like I nearly did quite a lot of times when writing it, you can review if ya want. I'd like to know if anyone else finds my crack ideas funny. *Come on people I slaved 18 whole days for you so I think I deserve some reviews!*
My ribs hurt now... I think I laughed too much writing it, so now I'm in a lot of pain. Well - me, my beta and my brother found it funny - even if nobody else did.
We're tainting the minds of the masses one reader at a time. My mind is so far into the gutter its unbelievable... and I think Aizen channelled Mr Burns from The Simpsons at one point.
-Mwuhahahaha! Am I really that evil? Yes, yes I am! Aw, Poor Gin!
I hope my beta didn't re-die... Are ya there CFH?!
And now my brother is singing "Pretty Woman" - its killing me... I'm dying. help.
Also, a quick note – Bob Yetso did invent caller ID.