Just Another Day at the Office
Written for the NFA Dark Arts Challenge
Disclaimer: All names and trademarks recognised as "NCIS" do not belong to me; I've just borrowed the characters for my own purposes.
Characters: Tony, McGee, Ziva, Gibbs
Genres: AU, supernatural, humour
Warnings: Alternate Universe
Word Count: 2,156 words
Summary: AU! NCIS is not the Naval Criminal Investigative Service, but is instead the headquarters of the organisation that fights the supernatural.
A/N A special thanks to Jems and his idea for the title.
"DiNozzo, stop it," Ziva growled from her desk. She glared at Tony who was smiling innocently and had his feet lazily on his desk.
"Stop what?" he asked, feigning ignorance and staring intently at Ziva.
"You know exactly what I mean," Ziva glowered. She stood up from her desk and stormed over to Tony's.
"Do I?" He looked Ziva up and down.
Ziva slammed her hands against Tony's desk. He jumped and his feet fell back behind his desk. Ziva looked darkly at him. "You stop it now."
"I'd do what she says," McGee commented, distracted by the computer in front of him. "You do remember what happened last time."
Tony shuddered and shook his head. "I was trying to forget about that, McGeek."
"Just saying," McGee said casually as his computer made a whirling sound.
Tony stuck out his tongue at McGee, who paid him no attention. Ziva, on the other hand, reached out and grabbed Tony's wrist, twisting it in such a way that Tony exclaimed, "Ouch!"
Ziva said nothing and brought her other hand so that it was level with Tony's shoulder. She flexed it and soon it flared up. Orangey-red flames licked her palm as she said, "Don't make me use it."
Tony tried to pull away, but it Ziva's grip was proving to be a difficult obstacle. By now Ziva's palm was spurting flames many centimetres long. Slowly, they curled into a fiery ball that hovered dangerously above Ziva's palm.
"Okay! Okay," Tony yelped. "I'll stop it."
"Now," Ziva ordered.
Tony nodded and immediately his body relaxed. He blinked twice and grinned unhappily at Ziva. "Happy?"
"Very," Ziva replied curtly. She let go of Tony's wrist and her fireball flickered out. "Do not try that again. I don't like to use my powers on my co-workers."
"Unlike some," McGee added as there was a loud click from his computer. McGee pulled away from it, looking satisfied.
He smiled. "All done."
"Done what?" Tony asked.
"Upgraded my computer," McGee said cheerfully as Tony shook his head sadly.
"You're such a geek, Probie," he sighed.
McGee shrugged. "So? I have to use my power somehow. We can't all control fire like Ziva. At least my power is useful."
"Mine's useful," Tony defended, pouting.
"For undressing women," Ziva muttered.
"As I said, useful," Tony replied, grinning lopsidedly.
"Typical." Ziva rolled her eyes. "It just had to be the world's biggest womaniser who got the power of x-ray vision."
"At least mine is cool," Tony retorted, "unlike McGeek over there with his geeky mind computer thing."
"My mind is not a computer, Tony," McGee corrected. "I just control them."
"Same thing," Tony muttered. "It's still very –"
"Annoying," a voice boomed, making Tony jump.
Slowly, the masculine figure of their boss appeared at the entrance of the bullpen. First his head appeared, then the rest of his body. He walked swiftly to Tony and whacked him on the back of the head.
Tony winced. "Sorry, boss."
Then he whispered to Ziva and McGee, "I hate it when he does that. He's like the Invisible Man."
Ziva rolled her eyes and McGee coughed, saying, "He is the invisible man, Tony."
"Gear up," Gibbs continued as though Tony and McGee hadn't spoken. "We have a vampire attack in the national park."
"Another one?" Ziva questioned as she walked back to her desk to pick up her bag.
Gibbs nodded. "Unfortunately. Let's move out, people."
As Gibbs' team hurried after him, Tony opened his mouth to comment on their newest case, but was cut off by Gibbs.
"Don't go there, DiNozzo."
Obediently, Tony shut his mouth and followed his team members over to the lift. As they stepped into the elevator, McGee remarked, "At least it's not the undead again."
The NCIS truck arrived at the vacant clearing and pulled to a halt. There was a pause, and then Gibbs' team exited the vehicle with Gibbs ordering, "McGee! Bag and tag. Ziva, shoot and sketch. DiNozzo! Secure the perimeter."
"Right away, boss."
"On it, boss."
Gibbs nodded slightly. "It's pretty secluded out here, but we don't need the public stumbling on the scene."
"Who called it in?" Ziva asked as she pulled the camera out from the back of the truck.
"Our scanners picked it up," Gibbs replied. "They registered abnormal energy and the satellite confirmed a vampire attack."
Tony sighed. "Again. This is what? Three in the past week?"
Gibbs shrugged. "Not much we can do until we figure out who it is."
"What about the registry?" Ziva asked.
"You know only a third of vampires are registered. Just as there are only half of the werewolves, two thirds of the . . ."
"We know, McGee," Gibbs cut in, looking annoyed. "Just process the scene, but don't touch the body until Ducky gets here."
"I am already here, Jethro," Ducky said as he and Palmer strolled up to Gibbs and his team. Ducky took one look at Gibbs and announced, "You are stressed."
"No kidding, Duck," Gibbs snapped. "You don't need empathy to figure that out. The third vampire attack this week? The Director will want it dealt with."
Ducky shook his head sadly. "Sometimes, I believe, they don't even know what they are doing."
"Still," Tony interjected, "we can't let them run around killing civilians."
"Which is why you are meant to be securing the perimeter, DiNozzo," Gibbs stated. "Maybe you can use that power of yours for something other than perving on women."
Tony huffed and sulked as he stalked off to secure the perimeter. McGee and Ziva quickly went about their tasks, not wanting to feel the wrath of Gibbs. Ducky and Palmer, likewise, headed over to the body.
"Well, what happened to you then, poor fellow?" Ducky asked as he leaned over the pale body of a young man.
"I think he bit off more than he could chew," Palmer suggested, earning a glare from Ducky. "That was inappropriate."
"Just a little."
"Never mind that. Mr Palmer, will you hand me the liver probe," Ducky ordered.
"Of course, doctor." Without looking for it, Palmer summoned the liver probe and it floated into Ducky's hand.
"You are getting better, Mr Palmer," Ducky commented as he stabbed the probe into the dead body.
Palmer shrugged. "I've been practicing, doctor."
Ducky looked thoughtful. "So that is where all my glasses have gone."
"Sorry, Doctor Mallard," Palmer apologised, looking sheepish. "I didn't know what else to use."
"Don't apologise, Mr Palmer. It's encouraging to see that you are harnessing your power."
"Thank you, doctor. I just want to get the most out of my power," Palmer replied.
"Which is more than I can say for this poor chap," Ducky added. "I've always wondered had it been possible, if my empathy could have perhaps told me something more."
"Dead bodies don't have feelings, Duck," Gibbs answered as he walked over to Ducky and Palmer.
"You are correct, Jethro." Ducky pulled out the liver probe and stood up. "That is why it has never worked. I have tried, you know. I remember a time . . ."
"Not now," Gibbs said, slightly irritated. "What's the time of death?"
Ducky snapped out of his reverie. "About two hours ago, I would say."
Gibbs nodded. "Thanks, Duck. The vampire might still be around somewhere."
"I agree," Ducky added. "This man, although having the very puncture marks that characterise a vampire attack, has not been, uh . . ."
"Thoroughly bled," Palmer finished.
"An interruption?" Gibbs asked.
"Perhaps," Ducky replied. "Unless you find our vampire, you may never know."
Gibbs nodded again. "Thanks."
He turned around and was about to call for Tony, when he noticed his senior field agent wasn't there. Gibbs sighed and called to McGee, "McGee, go find out where DiNozzo is. If he's goofing off again . . ."
"Right away, boss," McGee affirmed. He walked over to the truck, put down his evidence bags and hurried off in the direction Tony had headed in.
"And, McGee," Gibbs yelled after him, "if DiNozzo is goofing off again, tell him that the only thing he'll be good for is x-raying baggage at the airport!"
"Tony?" McGee hissed as he trampled through the national park. "Where are you? Gibbs wanted you to secure the perimeter, not the entire state!"
He got no reply, but a twig snapped behind him. Whipping around, McGee pulled out his gun and pointed it to the bushes. "Tony?"
"Of course it's me, Probie," Tony hissed, his voice coming from somewhere to McGee's left.
McGee turned and looked exasperatedly at Tony who emerged from the bushes, clutching his gun. "What are you doing?"
"I heard something," Tony whispered, looking around furtively.
"It's a national park. What do you expect?" McGee muttered.
"Not this time," Tony corrected quietly. "I have a hinky feeling."
"Leave the premonitions to Abby, Tony," McGee said, holstering his gun.
"It's nothing to do with premonitions, McGeek," Tony replied, though he didn't holster his gun. "I've got a feeling. The Yeti, perhaps?"
McGee sighed. "The Yeti lives in the Himalayas. You know that. And he's protected. And he told us to call him Arthur the last time we spoke, not 'The Yeti'. That's a name made up by the press."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Tony muttered. "I still think . . ."
Tony broke off as he watched a dark shadow emerge from the bushes and linger over McGee. Tony yelped and stumbled backwards, yelling, "McGee! Behind you!"
Instinctively, McGee spun around and found himself face-to-face with what he assumed was their vampire.
"Um, hi," McGee spluttered, backing away slowly. "Uh, nice day for a stroll isn't it."
"I smell fresh blood," the vampire said in its hoarse voice.
"Uh, yeah, about that . . ." Tony said casually. "RUN!"
Tony and McGee took off as fast as they could, with McGee pulling out his gun in the process. They crashed through the trees, with the vampire right on their tails.
"Shoot it, McGee!" Tony yelled, sounding a little hysterical.
"With my gun?"
"No, with your crossbow," Tony shouted sarcastically. "Of course with your gun, you idiot."
"Bullets won't work, Tony," McGee replied, panting as they continued to try and out run the vampire.
"I thought we have silver bullets?" Tony asked, sounding a little confused.
If the situation had not been so dire, McGee would have rolled his eyes. "Silver bullets are for werewolves, not vampires. Don't you read the manual or listen in the annual 'Fantastical Beasts and How to Stop Them' seminar?"
Tony ignored McGee and instead shouted, "Well, do something!"
"What? You expect me to pull out a stake and some garlic?" McGee yelled back, sarcastic.
"Yes!" Tony exclaimed.
"That only works in the movies!" McGee shouted as he speed up. The vampire was gaining on them.
"The movies, Tony!" McGee yelled. "Stakes and garlic, something else the media made up! Don't you listen?"
"I think we've already established that!" Tony screeched. "Just do something!"
"I suggest speeding up, then!" McGee called out. "The vampire is catching up!"
As if to prove McGee's point, the vampire growled, "I smell fresh blood."
"Well, you're not having ours, thank you very much," Tony shouted at the vampire.
"Then I suggest you do something to stop it," a new voice said, coming from the thickness of the trees, "instead of running away like fraidy-cats."
Ziva stepped out behind the vampire and immediately threw a fireball at it. The fireball impacted with the vampire's back, and though it didn't do very much damage, it was enough to make it stop chasing after McGee and Tony and turn on Ziva.
McGee and Tony stopped running as the vampire advanced on Ziva. Seemingly unaffected, Ziva made flames shoot out of her hand, engulfing the vampire.
It had no effect.
"Hey!" Tony yelled, trying to distract the advancing vampire. "Pick on someone your own size!"
"Like you, DiNozzo?" Gibbs' voice echoed loudly in the forest.
Gibbs materialised in front of McGee and Tony, but behind the vampire. He was holding a bucket that the team recognised as the one from the truck.
"Wasn't exactly volunteering, boss," Tony called.
"I figured that, DiNozzo." Gibbs shot him a look before swinging back the bucket and letting the contents rain over the vampire.
The vampire shrieked as the water touched his skin. He started to sizzle, then degrade and finally melted into a puddle on the floor of the national park.
Gibbs' three agents looked at the puddle of vampire, and then looked back at Gibbs with a questioning look on their faces.
"I thought water melted witches?" Tony looked confused. "You know, the Wicked Witch of the West and all that."
"Another media misrepresentation," McGee replied, looking slightly puzzled. "I think?"
"I am confused." Ziva looked back and forth between the vampire puddle and Gibbs. "Water?"
"Yep," Gibbs smirked. "Don't you read the manual?"