Hello all! The following is a Doctor Who parody I drafted years ago, and only now have been able to post it, updating it a little. The following parodies the Season One finale. I may parody other episodes in the future but for now-

Commentator: Hey Anon!

-Com? What are you doing here?

Commentator: You seemed to have made an error in the title! You forgot to add '(With Commentary)' at the end! And how come you haven't got me introducing this parody?

Professor: You didn't tell him, did you?

I didn't see the need.

Commentator: -Tell me what?

-Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but-you're not featured in this parody.

Commentator: -WHAT? WHY THE HELL NOT?

Because there was no need for you anywhere in this parody! I only ever give you lines when it needs it! You know how I like to keep my work organic!

Commentator: (Mutters) (I'll give YOU organic)

Oh and before I forget, I do not own Doctor Who or anything related.


Last time on Doctor Who, the Doctor and his companions found themselves as unwilling contestants in game shows that everyone recognises despite this being hundreds and thousands of years in the future. Hmm. You would have thought that television would have changed in that period. Perhaps the crew were just going through a retro phase. Then again I'm not surprised that Big Brother is still around and popular 500,000 years in the future. But I'm drifting topic here. The Doctor Who crew later discover that the losers receive death, but then later discove that they don't actually die, but rather get teleported on a hidden Dalek fleet. With Rose captured, the Doctor and Jack invade the fleet and confront the enemy.

Commentator: Oh sure. The narrator guy you incorporate!


Doctor: How is it that you have survived?

Voice: THEY SUR-VI-VETHED THROUGH ME.

Doctor: Gasp! It can't be-?

Rose: Who is it?

Doctor: The Dalek Emperor!

Rose: -Is that all? Awww. I was expecting it to be Davros rather than an original, one-off character!

Doctor: He's not due to reappear for another few seasons.

Rose: What?

Doctor: Nothing!


Dalek Emperor: THOU FOR-CETHED ME TO GO-ETH WAN-DER-ING IN SPACE, WITH NO-THING TO DO EX-CEPT WAT-CHETH ALL STAR TREK E-PI-SODES FROM ALL FOUR SE-RIES. AS TIME PASSED, AND AS I WAT-CHETHED THE E-PI-SODES O-VER AND O-VER A-GAIN, I BE-CA-METH FAS-CI-NA-TED WITH THE STAR TREK U-NI-VERSE- AND BE-CA-METH-

Doctor: NO!

Dalek Emperor: -A TRE-KKIE!

Rose: Is that why on the wall beside you it says 'Trekkies rule. Exterminate all Star Wars fans'?

Emperor: IT IS IN-DEED. AND AS I WAT-CHETHED STAR TREK O-VER AND O-VER AGAIN, I BE-CA-METH FAS-CI-NA-TED WITH THE BORG, A RACE AS FEARED AND AS CY-BER-NE-TIC AS MY OWN. I WAS PAR-TI-CU-LAR-LY IN-TRIGUED BY THEIR ME-THOD OF A-SSI-MI-LA-TING O-THER SPE-CIES IN-TO THEIR OWN RACE. AND SO I RE-A-LISED – WHY JUST SIM-PLY RELY ON RE-PRO-DUC-TION WITH-IN MY OWN SPE-CIES- WHEN I CAN TURN-ETH O-THERS IN-TO MY OWN KIND IN OR-DER TO RE-BUILD.

Rose: Gasp! You mean-?

Emperor: YES. FROM THOSE TE-LE-POR-TETHED HERE, THEIR CORP-SES HAVE BEEN USE-DETH TO CRE-A-TETH DA-LEKS. IN O-THER WORDS, WE HAVE A-SSI-MI-LA-TEHTED THE HU-MANS IN-TO THE DA-LEK RACE. WE HAVE AL-SO LEARNT FROM THE GREAT BORG THE AIM OF PER-FEC-TION, AS WELL AS A NEW CATCH-PHRASE.

Doctor: No! Surely nothing to replace 'exterminate! Exterminate!'

Daleks: WE ARE THE DA-LEKS! THOU SHALT BE EX-TER-MI-NA-TETHED! RE-SIS-TANCE IS FU-TILE!

Jack: Hold on! Four series? There are five aren't there?

Daleks: GASP!

Jack: What?

Daleks: BLAS-PHE-MY! THOU SPEA-KEST BLAS-PHE-MY! THOU MEN-TIO-NETH THE HE-RE-TI-CAL AND NON-CA-NON SE-RIES OF STAR TREK: EN-TER-PRISE! THOU SHALT BE SMO-TED!

Docter: God, they really are trekkies! They hate the last series because of how it created inconsistencies with the rest of the universe!

Rose: I think you could tell they were trekkies with the fake Vulcan ears they're wearing.

Doctor: That as well. Hold on. Since when do Daleks have a notion of blasphemy? And since when do they say 'smite' instead of 'exterminate'? AND WHAT'S WITH ALL THE MIDDLE ENGLISH?

Emperor: DU-RING THE TIME A-LONE, I HAVE SOME-HOW COME TO THE CON-CLU-SION THAT I AM GOD! WE'VE E-VEN HAD A COU-PLE OF HO-LY WARS.

Doctor: Oh really?

Emperor: OH YES. A COU-PLE OF YEARS BACK, THERE WAS A FEUD BE-TWEEN THE PA-GAN EX-TER-MI-NA-TORS, WHO WAN-TED TO RE-TAIN THE OLD TRA-DI-TION OF CRY-ING OUT 'EX-TER-MI-NATE, EX-TER-M-INATE!' BE-FORE SMI-TING OUR E-NE-MIES, AND THE FAITH-FUL SMO-TERS, WHO WISHED TO CRY-ETH OUT 'SMITE! SMITE!' NA-TU-RA-LLY THE SMI-TERS WON.

Doctor: -You were fighting each other over a use of words? You're mad!

Emperor: NO, WE'RE FA-NA-TI-CAL.

Doctor: What's the difference?

Emperor: WE'VE AL-SO HA-DETH A WAR BE-TWEEN THE CA-NO-NITES AND NON-CA-NO-NITES O-VER THE CA-NO-NO-CI-TY OF 'EN-TER-PRISE', WHICH THE CA-NO-NITES WO-NETH.

Doctor: Huh. I would have thought that the canonites would have lost.

Rose: So hold on, you drew from a human religion? What was wrong with identifying with a god from your own homeworld of- actually what is the Dalek homeworld called?

Doctor: That fact has never been mentioned for some reason.

Emperor: SA-DLY THE DA-LEKS HA-VETH FOR-GOT-TEN THE AN-CIENT RE-LI-GIONS OF OUR HOME-WORLD.

Rose: So what, out of all the religions of all the races in the universe, you just happened to choose a human one? Is it just me or is Russell T. Davies' take on 'Doctor Who' the most human-centric series in all of sci-fi? What with all the episodes based on or around Earth, every race in five billion years time tracing descent from Earth and let's not forget how the fourth bountiful HUMAN empire was an age of enlightenment for all the universe?

Doctor: Meh, 'Smallville's' worse. At least we don't portray all non-humans and non-non-metahumans as naturally evil.

Jack: Hold on. Non-non-metahumans? Wait a minute! If saying 'exterminate' is blasphemous now, then how come you said 'exterminate' a few second ago?

Daleks: NO WE DID-N'T.

Jack: YES YOU DID!

Daleks: NO WE DID-N'T.

Jack: YES YOU DID! IT EVEN SAYS 'EXTERMINATE' ON THAT POSTER-

(On the poster between the words 'rule' and 'all' something has been blotted out with 'Smite' scribbled above).

Jack: But-but-


After the Doctor and his companions escaped, the daleks prepared their invasion of Earth.

Daleks: WE ARE THE DA-LEKS. THOU SHALT BE SMO-TETHED. RE-SIS-TANCE IS FU-TILE.

Dalek: THEY SHALL BE EX-TER-MI-NA-TED!

Daleks: GASP!

Dalek: WHAT?

Dalek: YOU SAID, EX-TER-MIN-ATE?

Dalek: WHAT? NO, NO, I DID-N'T MEAN-?

Daleks: SMITE! SMITE! SMITE!

Dalek: GAK!

Emperor: RIGHT THEN. BE-FORE WE SET OFF LET'S PU-RI-FY OUR PEO-PLE OF A-NY UN-BE-LIE-VERS!


Lynda: The Daleks have appeared to stop! And They're attacking each other!

Doctor: Like any good fanatics, they're more concerned with themselves than others.

BOM BOM BOM CH

Jack: Is that even true?

Doctor: -Maybe. But then again this is a parody. People will believe anything we say!


After purging themselves of any possible unbelievers, with the great majority ironically being believers, the daleks re-initiate their invasion of Earth and the station.

Doctor: Don't worry. We've got the ultimate weapon against the Daleks!


Annedroid: YOU ARE THE WEAKEST LINK. GOODBYE.

Dalek: GAK!

Dalek 1: NO! THE HU-MANS HAVE UN-LEASHED ANNE RO-BIN-SON, SOME-ONE WHO IS AS E-VIL AND FEARED AS US!

ANNEDROID: GAK!

Dalek 1: HUH. I GUESS SHE WAS ALL BARK AND NO BITE.


Female Programmer:No! They took down Anne Robinson!

Male Programmer: No! If Anne Robinson couldn't defeat the Daleks, then what chance do we have?


With the defeat of Anne Robinson, the fighters quickly lose morale, and are easily smoted by the Daleks. Meanwhile in order to save her, the Doctor tricks Rose into going into the Tardis and sending her home. Not happy with this arrangement, Rose sees the word 'Bad Wolf' everywhere, and somehow comes to the conclusion that it's a sign not to give up, and tries opening the Tardis.

Rose: Now let's see if this will work. (Pulls a lever)

(Something falls at a fast rate. Then an anvil lands on top of the TARDIS, but not leaving a dent)

Rose: Drat. Not a single scratch.

Mickey: I told you you shouldn't have got that anvil from ACME! They're like the Ikea of diabolical schemes!


Rodrick: Oh no! The Daleks! They're real! They're- oh wait, it's just a bunch of sci-fi geeks!

Contestant: Phew! If it wasn't for those lame fake vulcan ears, I would have thought they were really Daleks!

Lynda: (Watching the scene) No! No you fools! They're-

Daleks: YOU DARE IN-SULT OUR OR-NA-MEN-TAL EAR-WEAR?

Rodrick: Oh what are you going to do about it? EX-TER-MIN-ATE us?

Daleks: NO, WE SHALL SMITE! SMITE! SMITE!

With all the humans on the station dead, the only one left is the Doctor. Before he can be smoted, however, the Tardis appears out of nowhere.

Tardis: KNOCK KNOCK.

Daleks: (Turn their heads to look at the Tardis) WHO'S THERE?

Rose: Deus.

Daleks: -DE-US WHO?

Rose: DEUS EX MACHINA!

Daleks: GAK!

Emperor: No! I AM GOD! I WILL NOT DIE!

Rose: Fool. This is Doctor Who. Everything dies- apart from Time lords who regenerate.

Emperor: GAK!

Doctor Who: God from machine trumps false god every time. Oh I get it! You're a deus ex machina because you've become a god from the tardis, which is a machine! It's so funny!

Rose: GAK!

Doctor Who: And now I've killed the joke.


After reviving Rose, the Doctor and her depart the station, and reflect on the recent events.

Doctor: Well I hope we've seen the last of those trekkie Daleks! They were perhaps the worst variant of Dalek ever conceived! So let me get this straight, you inserted the word 'Bad Wolf' throughout the series just to somehow make you not give up? Rose, if I thought that a couple of random words would imprint some sort of message in your brain, I would have stuck postits around the Tardis with the words 'little lamb' to remind you to turn the iron off!

Rose: How would 'little lamb' remind me to turn it off?

Doctor: How did 'Bad Wolf' encourage you not to give up?

Rose: Touche. Btw we should go back for Jack.

Doctor: He's dead.

Rose: No I brought him back to life with my god-like powers.

Doctor: -You what? Rose, you shouldn't have done that!

Rose: Why, because the flow of the universe is far more important than preserving lives?

Doctor: No because this way he'll never die and degenerate over billions of years into a giant head.

Rose: Yeah. Like that would happen!

Commentator: Oh my God, Anonymius! An irony line? Do you see what happens when I'm not around to keep your fics' quality in check?

Rose: -So, shouldn't we go back for him?

Doctor: Nah, he'll be fine.

Rose: He's stranded on a station with full of bodies!

Doctor: True, but I just remembered I left the oven on somewhere and we really need to- okay I admit it! I'm terrified of things that come back from the dead, okay?

Rose: You come back from the dead all the time!

Doctor: Anything that isn't me. Speaking of which, I'm about to die and regenerate.

Rose: -What? But the series has only just been rebooted!

Doctor: True, but my actor has realised too late that the series isn't for him. Oh well. At least I can regenerate happy knowing that I'm off to have a great movie career and that my replacement will fail to outshine me!


ONE YEAR LATER…


(Someone is reading a newspaper with headline 'David Tenant Heralded As Greatest Doctor Who Ever')

Claude Rains: DAMN YOU, DAVID TENNANT!

THE END