I do not own 'Doctor Who' or anything related.
Commentator: Welcome back my earth-bound and companion wannabe friends to the latest installment of 'Doctor Who Abridged'! Before we begin let's take a look at some of the reviews you've sent us. PROFESSOR! OPEN THE SHOOT!
Professor: Hmph. Like I have a choice.
(The Professor does so, and out pops an envelope)
Commentator: Right then! Our review comes from pharoahtrinity:
Congrats again on making laugh out loud! Can't wait for the sassitude of the Doctor/Donna you may have planned.
Um, yes. Of course. (PSST! Anonymius! I think you might need to revise what you have planned for Series 4!)
Already working on it.
Professor: Hmph. It's not like Anonymius actually needed to be told by you to do that.
Commentator: - Okay, if you are still mad because me calling that woman a furry was offensive, I only meant -
Professor: Oh no, that's not the issue.
Commentator: THEN WHAT IS THE ISSUE? I don't know what I did wrong! More so than usual!
Professor: It was you puking at the thought of the woman and cat man procreating together!
(The Commentator threw up out of the car)
Commentator: Wait, that's why you're so mad? Prof, I wasn't getting sick because of the idea of the woman and cat man having babies together, I got sick because the image of a woman giving birth to kittens was - was - (Grabs a bucket and throws up again) BLEAAAAAARGH!
Professor: You're not really helping your case, you know.
Commentator: What I mean is if they were just normal human-cat people hybrids as opposed to looking like normal kittens it wouldn't have been a problem.
Professor: - Really?
Professor: You're not just saying that?
Commentator: Prof, would I lie to you?
Professor: Yes you would.
Commentator: Oh. Well I'm not lying now!
Professor: Yes, I know. Ahem (Pushes his glasses on his face) I apologise for over reacting.
Commentator: That's okay, Prof, you're forgiven. Is what I would say if I was the forgiving type. But sadly for you I'm not the forgiving type, I'm the getting angry and punishing my subordinates type! Do you have any idea what your little hissy fit did? No to mention you made me remind myself of that woman giving birth to kittens -
(Clutches his mouth before throwing up in the bucket again)
Commentator: - BLEAAAAAAARGH! (Weakly, waving his hand) You know what, let's just get on with the next chapter, 'The Sound of the Time Lords'.
Despite the fact that we didn't have the TARDIS, we were able to use Jack's personal time jumper to teleport where the Master was heading, bringing us back to the present (Or rather, this show's version of the present which is really a year in the future. Does anyone remember that? Ahem, anyway!)
Doctor: Damnit! I should have known that he was a Time Lord!
Martha: Why, because the letters in his name stood for 'you are not alone'?
Doctor: - Well there's that, but more importantly, it was the way he dressed!
Martha: Come again?
Doctor: Only a Time Lord would dress in a way that was completely out of place with the era he was in! Trust me, I know.
Later we discovered that he assumed the identity of Harold Saxon, whose name had been teased in previous episodes.
Commentator: So wait a minute! The return of the Master was what they were building up to this entire series? Even though we were told they were just thinking about bringing him back? Davies lied to us again!
Doctor: So it seems that Harold Saxon was originally the Minister of Defence before his actions taking down the Racnoss Webstar last Christmas brought him into the public eye. Oh sure. You humans will continue to deny the existence of aliens no matter how many times you're invaded yet that doesn't stop one of you from rising to fame because of it. That's like someone becoming rich and famous because they invented cheap affordable fuel that doesn't damage the planet yet people claim there's no such thing!
Jack: He rose to power after the fall of Harriet Jones. Which means none of this would be happening if a certain someone hadn't brought down her premiership, wouldn't you agree, Doctor?
Doctor: She murdered a ship of fleeing invading aliens!
Jack: So what was a little morally questionable action really deserving of getting an entire golden age cut short?
JAck: Even though we're in this predicament now because of your actions?
Doctor: It was bound to happen eventually!
Jack: Alright, but even after we get rid of the Master and we get more crap because of his replacement I'm going to shoot you the next time I see you!
Doctor: What I don't get is how he rose to fame so quickly? I mean, he could only have gone as far back as 18 months, there's no way he could have gathered that much support in such a short amount of time.
Martha: Well, I don't know, Doctor. I mean before today, I would have voted for him.
Jack: Yeah, me too! And I'm not even a British Citizen! And I don't even vote!
Martha: Me neither.
Doctor: (Staring at the two suspiciously) Hmmmm. You wanted to vote for him. Why?
Martha: Well, he seemed like such a nice guy!
Doctor: Oh really? What's his position on issues?
Martha and Jack: - Come again?
Doctor: You know! How does he stand on certain issues. Like economy, civil rights, taxes, healthcare, foreign policy, immigration, defence spending, energy, global warming, Etc. You know, the stuff you're supposed to elect an official on?
Jack and Martha: ...I-don't-know...
Doctor: So you were going to vote him in power regardless of what he stood for just because he was likeable? Hm. Actually that does seem to be a typical voter's attitude.
Jack and Martha: Hey!
Doctor: Oh come on, you're more likely to vote for someone just because you like the person rather than on their issues!
Jack and Martha: We would not!
Doctor: Oh really? George Bush -
Jack and Martha: Exactly!
Doctor: Versus Al Gore.
(For a moment Jack and Martha were stomped)
Jack: He may have a point.
Doctor: But still though something else is afoot here. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASP!
Martha: What, what is it?
Doctor: I've just realised!
Doctor: While you were talking about how great Harold Saxon is, you were drumming your fingers!
Martha: So? Wait, you mean we've been brainwashed or something?
Doctor: Exactly! Of course that conclusion was obvious even without the drumming of the fingers, but that just confirmed it!
Martha: Why, you've seen something like this before?
Doctor: Or as it's known over here, Roswell High.
Martha: - What?
Doctor: 'Roswell High', the sci-fi teen drama about the teen alien-human hybrids and their experiences in Roswell along with the human teens? Whenever the alien Tess more popularly known as Claire Littleton from 'Lost' altered people's memories they ended up drumming their fingers! I'm sure it's a coincidence but that's what it reminded me of!
Later that day, the Master started kidnapping Martha's family, even intercepting a call to Martha's brother, which was when I took over.
Doctor: So to ask the question everyone's probably asking, how are you still alive? I mean didn't you die in that nameless, nameless, nameless, nameless adventure we dare not speak of nor elaborate on any further?
Master: Oh, I was resurrected.
Doctor: Oh. Wait, that's it?
Doctor: - Just resurrected, just like that? Like, flipping a switch? Huh. I was kind of expecting something a bit more complex. Well that's a bit anti-climatic -
Master: The point is, I was brought back to fight in the Time War, but then fled when I saw the Crucible.
Doctor: You do realise that no one watching this has any idea what you're talking about, right?
Master: Give it a year. Oh by the way, if Captain Harkness is expecting back up from his team, I sent them on a mission in the Himayalas, so I'm afraid there won't be a chance for a crossover.
Jack: Aw, nuts!
Afterwards I go into more detail about the Master and I.
Jack: So the Master is like your own personal Moriaty?
Doctor: Pretty much. Oh wow, can you imagine if a showrunner on this show also started his own Sherlock Holmes series that featured his own take on Moriaty? Man it'd be so interesting comparing his takes on two legendary rivalries of British pop culture! Ahem, sorry if that sounded kinda random and possibly foreshadowing, it just came to mind.
Martha: Oh no, you two aren't going to turn out to be brothers, are you?
Doctor: - What? No. No. No no no no no no no. No. No. Absolutely not.
Martha: Okay, back up cliche, were you two once best friends before becoming mortal enemies?
Doctor: - Mmaybe. So just to change the subject, what was this team that the Master was going on about, Jack?
Jack: - Well...
Doctor: Torchwood? TORCHWOOD? That's what you're a part of now?
Jack: Hey, it's nothing like the Torchwood you met in London, I rebuilt it into an organisation that you would like!
Doctor: Oh really? So you don't go about needlessly murdering any aliens, then?
Jack: No! Well okay, maybe just the one, but she deserved it!
Afterwards I present everyone with perception filters.
Doctor: With these, people won't be able to notice you.
Martha: Oh, like the Leakey Cauldron?
Doctor: - Yes, that's a good comparision.
Meanwhile after declaring first contact with alien life (At least the first contact that didn't want to kill anyone (apparently)), the Master meets up with the President of the United States.
Arthur Colman Winters: Harold Saxon! How dare you, a sovereign state, make first contact with extraterrestrial life! Don't you know that as the most powerful country militaristically in the world that that right somehow belongs to us? That of course is the democratic way!
Master: Yes Sir, sorry Sir, by all means you can have first contact with the aliens!
Winters: S-seriously? You're just folding over and giving into my unreasonable demand, just like that?
Winters: - Huh. I should find this suspicious, but then again I'm just relieved to meet a British Prime Minister who knows his place. Your predecessor was under the delusion that England wasn't the fifty first state of the U.S.!
Master: What about Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland?
After getting on board the aircraft carrier Valiant, where the meeting with the aliens (Called the Toclafane) would take place, they appear.
Toclafane 1: You're not the Master.
Winters: - I'm sorry?
Toclafane 2: We like the Master.
President: I can be called 'Master' if you prefer.
Martha: You know, I can't help shake the feeling that America isn't put in a very good light in this episode.
Doctor: Oh what you mean it portrays it as an egotistical bully that thinks it rules the world just because it's the wealthiest and strongest country militaristically?
Jack: Hey! As an American, I find that offensive!
Doctor: (Aren't you actually Canadian?)
Jack: (Aren't you actually Scottish?)
Doctor: (Yes, but I do a better job at hiding my accent.)
Jack: (- What?)
Doctor: (Seriously, I know that American and Canadian sound similar (Even if Americans think Canadians say 'aboot' and end every sentence with 'eh'!), but if you listen carefully, then you can tell the distinction -)
Master: (Standing up) Okay, you've got me!
Winters: Saxon, what the heck are you doing?
Master: Fulfilling the wishes of my electorate. Toclafane, kill the president.
Master: What? Sorry was I wrong? Didn't you want a United Kingdom that stood up against America? By murdering their president in cold blood with spherical aliens? Sorry, did I read that incorrectly? Really? Not even as your darkest desire for some? Are you sure? Oh well, never mind! By the way, Doctor, did you really think that a bunch of perception filters could stop me from detecting you?
Doctor: Aw, nuts, I was afraid this would happen!
Martha: Wait, you were?
Doctor: ...There was a 75% chance that this wouldn't work.
Martha: Wait what? Why didn't you tell us?
Doctor: I was worried you wouldn't go along otherwise.
So me and Jack get captured, while Martha escapes using Jack's time jumper, spending the year journeying across the globe, returning to England where she tracks down a Professor Alison Docherty and explains her plan.
Docherty: So he's immortal? Wonderful.
Martha: I'm afraid so. I mean it's not like he has a limit on the number of times he can regenerate or something. Which is why UNIT and Torchwood developed this gun that will halt a regeneration. There were four chemicals scattered across the world, and I just need the last one in London.
Unfortunately Martha is betrayed by Docherty, and brought to the Master.
Master: Ah, Martha Jones. You came so close to defeating me, but in the end you failed. I destroyed that anti-regeneration gun, and now I going to have you executed and why are you laughing?
Martha: Come on! A gun divided into four parts scattered across the world? You didn't actually believe that, did you?
Doctor: Oh come on, Master you know I would never tell anyone to kill anyone.
Master: That's...actually that's a fair point. Well then what have you been doing for the past year?
Martha: Spreading belief in the the doctor so that belief can be converted into energy to rejuvenate the doctor!
Master: Wait what?
Random Person 1: I believe in the Doctor!
Random Person 2: I believe in the Doctor!
Random Person 3: I believe in fairies, I mean the doctor!
Random Person 4: I believe in the Doctor!
Random Person 5: I believe in the Doctor!
Random Online Reviewer: I believe in Santa Christ!
Random Person 6: I believe in the Doctor!
Random Person 7: I believe in the Doctor!
Town of Briarwood: We believe in magic!
Master: Oh no. No no no no, you are not beating me like this, you're just not!
Thanks to the Archangel network (Which the Master used to brainwash everyone into liking him), I managed to link myself with the psychic energy of the people of Earth, rejuvenating me and allowing me to defeat the Master.
Master: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Doctor, how could you defeat me like this? It's just so, cheesyeeheeheeheeheeeeeeeee! (Breaks down in tears. The Doctor comforts him.)
With some help from Jack, we manage to destroy the paradox machine that allowed the Toclafane (Who in a somewhat depressing twist turned out to be what became of humanity) to kill their ancestors, reversing time back to the point when it first activated.
Doctor: Time has reversed itself back to when the paradox machine was first activated, meaning that the whole year never happened. Apart from this ship which was in the eye of the storm. Meaning that everyone who died is alive again.
Martha: Huh. So let me get this straight. Time has reset back to when the Toclafane first invaded?
Martha: Apart from the ship?
Martha: Soooooo... what happened to all those people who were on the ship when the paradox machine was first activated?
(Considering this, the Doctor's eyes slowly widened)
Doctor: Huh. I kinda overlooked them. I guess they got erased from existence. Oh well, never mind!
Martha: So, what do we do about the Master?
Doctor: Oh, I think I'm gonna lock him up in the TARDIS. Phew! Everything's resolved! I mean from the title, I was kinda worried that the Master would wind up dying leaving me the last of my kind again -
Master: GAK! Doctor, I'm dying...
Doctor: Oh don't be such a drama queen. You're a time lord, for crying out loud, death is like the flu for us! If the flu could kill you after having it 12 times in your lifetime.
MasteR: Yeah, about that...I've decided rather than letting myself be imprisoned just to die.
Doctor: Wait, we can choose not to regenerate?
Master: Apparently. BLEAH.
Doctor: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I'm all alone again!
Martha: Hey! (The Doctor looks at her) You're not alone!
Doctor: I meant species-wise! Oh well, I'm sure he'll come back in some convoluted way. Seriously, the Master cheats death worse than any other Time Lord!
Doctor: So, Jack, fancy staying along? Just so you know I'm now totally over my prejudice against you!
Jack: Thanks for the offer, Doc, but I got my own series now. Sure, it can be dark and - even depressing when I think about it - but still, I've got my own team to look after until they all meet their eventual demise.
Doctor and Martha: ...Whoa.
Jack: See what I mean? But still, at least I'm the main character! In theory.
Doctor: I know how that feels.
Doctor: Right then! Off to our next adventure, then! Now I believe you wanted to meet an alien race that weren't the monster of the week so -
Martha: I can't.
Doctor: - Wait, what?
Martha: I'm sorry, Doctor, but I have to move on. I once told a friend of mine to move on with her life rather than just waste it pining for someone who didn't like her like her back, so this is me doing just that. Plus I've got my family to look after. I mean I have been training all these years to be a doctor. Besides. Sometimes your adventures can be just too silly for my taste.
Doctor: Well what do you expect from a family show?
Martha: Yeah, I think I'll try something more adult oriented next time.
Doctor: Oh very well. (They shake hands) Goodbye, Martha Jones.
Martha: Take care, Doctor.
(Goes to leave)
(She stops, and turns to look at him)
Doctor: So, see you for a guest appearance next series?
Martha: Oh yeah, totally, wouldn't miss it! Maybe they'll be two in two different stories?
Doctor: Yeah, maybe.
(And so, Martha leaves)
Doctor: Huh. Well that ended well. If only all of my companionships ended with such amia-
Which when my TARDIS crashed into another ship.
How has the TARDIS crashed into a ship that says 'Titanic'?. What further adventures awaits our Doctor? And who will be his next companion? Will this one last more than a year? Find out next time on Doctor Who abridged!
AND NOW FOR A COUPLE OF SCENES COMPLETELY UNRELATED!
Frank: Hey Sol! Mr Diagoras is here.
Solomon: Okay, I'll be right out!
Doctor: ….Who was that?
Solomon: Oh that was Frank, a young man who came up here because his dad died and his mom wasn't able to feed all of her children, why?
Doctor: I don't know, but the moment I saw him I felt this urge of indescribable yet intense rage…
Commentator: Oh, you mean like how you felt when you learnt that Rotten Tomatoes gave 'Smallville' Season 10 a hundred percent?
Doctor: Something like that, yeah.
Commentator: - Oh...
Doctor: What? You actually thought I was going to fly into a childish rage just because you reminded me that one of the most reliable websites to give a consensus of reviews gave 'Smallville' Season 10 A HUNDRED PERCENT? HOW? HOW DID IT GET A HUNDRED PERCENT? Why would anyone give that season which ripped off the superhuman registration act without any of the sense, repeated the villain and them of Green Lanten replacing the word 'fear' with 'darkness', ruined Deadshot and Deathstroke and erased Lex's memories after trying to convince us that the Lex Luthor who fought Superman was just his clone WITH NO ONE GIVING IT A NEGATIVE RESPONSE?
Commentator: If it makes you feel any better, the reviews only judged it on the first episode.
Doctor: - Oh. Well that makes sense.
Van Statten: Hey, another English person! Hey Lord Fauntleroy! Got you a girlfriend.
Doctor: Hold on. Why didn't you react to me being English? Not that I actually am, it just seems odd how you -
Van Statten: Wait, hold the phone. You're English too?
Doctor: Er, yeah. Well my accent is, anyway.
Van Statten: - Oh. Are you sure? I could have sworn that your were Scottish.
Doctor: How many times do I have to tell you people, I'M NOT SCOTTISH! I'm from the north of bloody England!
Van Statten: Sure you are, Haggis Boy!
(The Doctor Groans)