Disclaimer: I sadly do not own Harry Potter. However in this story Sirius is alive 

Pairings: I'm not telling :p

Sunday was when it all started…he had been walking along the dark halls of Hogwarts minding his own business (ahem…trying to find students to put into detentions, the cauldrons weren't going to clean themselves). When he heard noises, thinking that two students were having a secret lover's rendezvous, he yanked open the classroom door to reveal Professor Flitwick and Madame Sprout sprawled out across a desk. Severus turned green and ran away as fast as he could.

Monday morning…Valentine's Day…

Severus swooped into the great hall, where he hoped to scare some students, only to find the great hall covered in pink lace and hearts. All of this sappy crap was going to kill him or blind him. Swooping up to the teacher's table, he glared at everything and everyone in sight, only to find his way blocked before reaching the table by Filch.

"Do you want something Filch?"

"Well you see Professor Snape, Mrs Norris and myself are wanting to know if you'll meet us later, for an informal meeting"

Flich winked at Snape.

"No"

Snape turned around and strode out of the great hall and began bashing his head on the nearest wall.

Tuesday

Severus was quickly walking through the hallways avoiding everyone when…

"Hello Snivellus"

"Mutt, Lupin"

"Now, now Sirius let's keep moving"

"Why are you two here?"

"No need to be so snarly Snivellus, Dumbledore's offered us the Dark Arts position"

"Come on Sirius, bye Severus

"Bub-bye Snivellus"

Remus dragged Sirius by the arm as Sirius waggled his fingers back at Severus. As soon as they were out of sight Severus's annoyed expression disappeared to look of pure anger.

'The world hates me!'

Wednesday…6th year potions with the Gryffindors and Slytherins

Everything was going well you could say almost perfectly and peacefully not even Longbottom wasn't messing up. But just as Severus was walking past Longbottom's cauldron, it blew up, smoke and potion filling the room. Once the smoke cleared it revealed a very pissed off Snape coated in potion and sporting whiskers, cat ears and a very fluffy black tail.

"LONGBOTTOM!!!!!!!!"

Thursday Morning…

By now Severus Snape was a nervous wreck, his left eye had developed a twitch and the same with his fingers as if he was thinking of choking someone to death. Severus was now sitting in Dumbledore's office at 2 am wondering why the fuck he was sitting here at 2am.

"Severus, I need you advice on a very grave matter".

"Yes Albus, what is it?"

"Which robe will look better on me? Dark Blue? Magenta? Oh the baby blue! Rose? Cream? Gold? Lavender? Or the lime green?"

Severus sat there looking flabbergasted…at that very moment in time you could have nocked him over with a feather.

"You called me here to help you pick out a robe to wear?"

"Well yes, perhaps I should try them on, so you can see what they look on me and which one will bring out my features more"

"Albus!"

"Wait I will be right back"

…Finally six hours later with a list on which order Dumbledore will wear his robes Severus had finally escaped Dumbledore. Rushing to get to his room, he nearly walked into Pansy and her group of Slytherin girls.

"Professor?"

"What is it Ms. Parkinson?"

"Professor Snape, I was wondering if you could give me some private potion lessons?"

"No"

"But Professor"

Pansy lowered her eyes and pressed herself against him.

"So Professor those lessons?"

"Parkinson, get off, detention for the rest of the year with Hagrid and fifty points off of Slytherin. Now get the fuck off me"

"But Professor surely you want a little action?"

"Not with you. Now remove yourself you silly little girl and leave me alone"

Severus shoved Pansy backwards into the group of girls and strode off muttering under his breath.

Friday

Severus was walking slowly tot eh great hall to see Lucius Malfoy staring at him.

"Lucius?"

"Severus don't…move"

"Too late"

"Great now we're stuck here until we kiss"

"Excuse me"

"This is one of the Weasley twins new products. This charm which is spell proof, can only be broken once the people trapped kiss".

"Lucius don't speak to me like a idiot"

Lucius looked at him, raising a brow.

"This is the worst week over".

With a smirk Lucius leaned closer to Severus, pressing his lips to Severus's. Severus gasped, allowing Lucius to wiggle his tongue into Severus's mouth, where they forgot where they were. They were so wrapped up they didn't even notice when the charm disappeared. Severus pulled away his face slightly flushed.

"Lucius… we…I".

"Kissed?"

"It will never happen again".

Severus strode off, mentally cursing his traitorous lower half and his even more traitorous heart but if he had turned around he would have noticed a very disappointed looking Malfoy.

Saturday Night…

Severus was doing his rounds around the school, when Remus and Sirius appeared, both very drunk.

"Moony look who it is! It's good old Sevvie!"

Severus looked at them both, stumbling and slurring their words and frowned.

"Black, Lupin leave".

"But Sevvie! We were just wanting to know if you wanna join us in a threesome! Ain't that right Moony!"

Remus growled

"No"

"Come on Severus"

Black latched his arm arounf Severus's waist drawing him closer.

"Black let go of me. No?"

Severus broke free of Sirius's hold and began running, after a couple of minutes he came upon an open classroom. He ran in and slammed the door shut and shut every locking spell he known to wizards at the door.

"Oh Sevvie! Where are you?"

Severus sank to the floor, holding his head in his hands. Feeling someone looking at him he opened his eyes and lifted his head up to see a smirking half-naked Draco straddling a half-naked blushing Potter.

Severus's eyes widened.

"Kill me now"

And with that Severus fainted.

Three hours later Severus woke up in his bed.

"Thank God, that was just a dream".

Severus sat up to see Draco holding Harry's hand and began screaming, blood curdling screams.