Disclaimer: Harry Potter is the property of JK Rowling
A/N: And here it is…the conclusion to Lunarella! Thanks to those dedicated fans who stuck with this from the start, even though it took me forever to finally get to the end! Hope you enjoy the ending! Please see additional notes at the end.
George sighed as he stared at the silver sparkling wand…even knowing that it was hers…what was he to do with it? It wasn't as if he could use it to summon her, it wouldn't give him her name. He sighed again…a sigh that came from his toes.
"What you looking so glum about" Fred said as he approached. "What happened to the hottie?"
"She left." He gave his brother a mournful look. "She didn't even tell me her name."
Fred leaned in closer. "Well…you do rather reek of onion and tuna."
"As if that's my fault!" George protested vehemently "it was onion of the sea girl breathing all over me!"
"Oh yeah." Fred wrinkled his nose. "Nasty one; wasn't she?"
George closed his eyes and sighed again, the silver eyes, the soft ivory skin and her delicate pink lips…all swam up behind his closed lids. His dream come to life.
"Well, she's gone." Fred looked at him sympathetically. "Plenty of other fish in the sea."
George's face took on a sour look, the memory of tuna stuck between a pair of crooked teeth flashed in his mind. If that was the sort of fish that were out there, he'd rather spend the rest of his life wanking with his fist.
"Nice choice of words." He bit out disgustedly "onion of the sea…nasty."
"Oh yeah…sorry bout that."
Fred resisted the urge to grin. Instead, he rose, then slapped his brother on the shoulder. George sighed again, decided that he was sighing way too much, then watched his brother walk away.
"I guess my dreams aren't mean to come true."
"What is it with you kids and your negative attitudes?"
George stood and spun around.
"Ah…not tonight." He chuckled "Tonight I am a Parentally Appointed Wish Engineer."
"A Parentally Appointed Wish Engineer."
"What the bloody hell is that?"
Flitwick sighed and decided he didn't have the patience to explain it again.
"Listen Weasley, go back to chapter two and read it for yourself."
George nodded and began flipping back pages. His eyes went huge and a gigantic smile came to his face.
"It was Luna Lovegood?" He smiled at Flitwick "She is my mystery girl!"
"Shit!" Flitwick looked around in a panic. "You weren't supposed to see that!"
"Too late!" George laughed and began to run up the stairs…but Flitwick was too fast. He pulled out his wand and hit George in the back with an obliviate just strong enough to erase the last five minutes.
George turned slowly… his eyes slightly dazed from the obliviate spell. "So, what is this Parentally Appointed Wish Engineer thing anyway?"
Flitwick rolled his eyes. "It is a person who's parent's appointed to look after someone; a person who also grants their wishes."
"A fairy godfather?"
"DON'T CALL ME A FAIRY!" Flitwick exploded "I am not gay… I am a metrosexual!"
"Erm…why so tense?" George asked "You know, my mum always says if it isn't true it shouldn't upset you so much."
Flitwick glared back at George. "Do you want my help or not?"
"Right…so someone appointed you to take care of me?"
"Not you, the young lady." Flitwick straightened his robes.
"You're her Godfather?"
Flitwick rolled his eyes. "No religious terms please…CJ doesn't like getting flames for voicing her Christian views in her fictions."
"Ah…" George shuddered slightly "I hate it when CJ get's flames, last time she got a really bad one I found myself standing in the snow about to kill myself."
"Oh yes…" Flitwick nodded "That was a great scene though…very touching."
"Yes…CJ is very good, just wish she would quit making me all suicidal and crap. Get's depressing after awhile."
"Yes, I can see where that would be a bit depressing." Flitwick nodded. "Well, we best get on with it. Where were we?"
"I'm not calling you her Godfather as to not offend anyone with this fic."
"Oh, right, right."
"So, you look out for her, and you grant her wishes?"
"Yes." Flitwick looked pleased. "Exactly!"
"Like a fairy godfather."
Flitwick raised his wand and pointed it at George's groin. George's eyes went huge and he hastened to protect himself.
"I WON'T CALL YOU A FAIRY!"
"So…" George took a deep breath while he righted himself again. "So you're one of those things just using a politically correct non-religious sounding name?"
"And you don't find this a bit asinine and overly politically correct, are you sure you're not a political correctness engineer?"
Flitwick rolled his eyes, why did he have to go through this EVERY, SINGLE, DAMNED, TIME?
"Damn it Weasley!," Flitwick yelled "do you want my help or do you want to spend the rest of your life wanking in the shower to the memory of onion of the sea girl?"
George shuddered, a horrible, nasty, vile image in his mind.
"Right…tell me what to do."
"Well, the wand is the key!" Flitwick said with a grin
"But I can't use it to summon her, nor her name."
"Ah, of course not. But, only one girl can use this wand!"
"One girl?" George looked closely at the wand.
"Of course, didn't you listen when Ollivander was babbling away at beginning of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone?"
"No." George shook his head. "I think we might have been in make-up when that scene was being shot."
"And you've never watched it?"
"Well you know…" George grinned "Been a bit busy since puberty hit."
"Doing what?" Flitwick asked
"Well…I… erm…" George shrugged
"He showers a lot," Fred said as he sauntered over
"I…I'm just,…just very keen on cleanliness." George protested
Flitwick and Fred gave George a look that made it perfect clear that they knew exactly what he was doing in the shower.
"Having any vision problems Weasley?" Flitwick asked with a small snicker
George fixed Flitwick with a look that was anything but amused. "If I were, could you fix my eyes with your Fairy Godfather powers?"
Flitwick glared at George, then conceded that perhaps, he had had it coming.
"Let's get on with it, I have a date waiting." He pulled on his vest to straighten it. "And it's not Hagrid if that's what you're thinking!"
"Then why's he standing over in the corner watching you mate?" Fred asked with a nod over his shoulder.
Flitwicks head whipped around, only to find the corner empty. Fred and George grinned at one another…Flitwick was less than amused.
"As I was saying!" he said abruptly shifting back to the matter at hand. "The wand chooses its master, and while a normal wand will work in the hand of another witch or wizard…this wand will not."
"You mean…" George's fingers caressed the silver sparkling wand, so gently it was as if it were his mystery woman's soft cheek beneath his fingers instead
"Only she will be able to use this wand properly." Flitwick smiled "So, when you find the girl who can use this wand…you will find the girl of your dreams."
"Nasty Naughty Witches December Centerfold?" Fred asked, his eyes wide with awe. "really?"
George and Flitwick turned and looked at him with incredulous eyes.
"Not you, you pervert!" Flitwick rolled his eyes at Fred "Your brother will find his mystery woman."
"Oh…" Fred nodded with understanding, then grinned. "Well, she was hot too."
"Fred," George looked at his brother with a deadly seriously look.
"Shut up before I tell Angelina, Alicia and Katie you've been stealing their panties from the laundry."
Fred made the motion of locking his lips, then pretended to toss the key over his shoulder.
Those three were dead scary…particularly when they weren't wearing any panties.
Luna was woken by the sound of the door to their room crashing against the wall. She sat up to find Marietta standing in the doorway, a roll of toilet paper stuck to her butt in a permanent sticking charm.
"Cho…Cho!" She yelled, going to shake her roommate awake. "You have to help me!"
"What is it?" Cho sat up, and pushed her 'I 'heart' The Blue Man Group' sleeping mask to the top of her tangled mess of hair.
"He's coming!" Marietta began to tug at her backside, trying to pull off the roll of Charmin.
"No he didn't." Cho pouted. "The imperious curse wore off too soon and Cedric ran away."
"Not him!" Marietta rolled her eyes. "George Weebley!"
Luna's heart clenched…George Weasley…coming where?
"George Weebley?" Cho pushed away the covers and turned, sliding into her Justin Bieber bedroom slippers. "He's coming? But you're not even having sex."
Luna looked at them and blinked, wondering how they had managed to be sorted into Ravenclaw…obviously some bribes had taken place. Come to think of it, she had seen them a time of two with black cloth sticking to their lips after leaving Dumbldore's office. Once when she had sneaked in after seeing them come out, the sorting hat had been grinning goofily.
"You idiot." Marietta had finally managed to tug the roll of Charmin from her butt and threw it across the room. "I mean, he is coming to our common room!"
"For what?" Luna asked, her eyes huge with curiosity.
"What do you care?" Marietta glared at her, her tone annoyed.
Luna turned and looked out the window.
"What is he coming here for?" Cho asked as she yawned, her morning breath drifting over and nearly knocking Luna out.
"He found a wand last night!" Marietta said excitedly "He's going around from common room to common room to find the girl that it belongs to!"
Luna gasped, her memory flying to her missing wand. 'He found my wand!'
"Why it could be anyone!" Cho said. "It could be me!"
"No it's not!" Marietta glared across the room. "It's me!"
"Say's who?" Cho shrugged
"But…but you imperioused Cedric Diggory!"
"The more the merrier!" Cho grinned "Besides, I learned an important lesson last night."
"Yes. Me too." Marietta nodded. "I need to change my underwear more than once a week."
"Would you focus!" Cho yelled. "Who cares about you, were talking about me!"
"Oh right, sorry." Marietta shrugged and sat on her bed. 'Fucking Diva.' "What did you learn last night?"
"To always bring a spare…" Cho shook her head with regret "Just in case one throws off the imperious curse before you climax."
"Oh." Marietta nodded. "Good plan. But…why does it have to be George Weebley?"
"Have you read the books Marietta?" Cho shook her head. "I'm a backstabbing ho, remember? Hence, the nasty-nickname CJ gave me...Cho the ho?"
"Right!" Marietta nodded enthusiastically. "Well, you better hurry…he'll be here any moment…he was just finishing up Slytherin house."
"Slytherin." Luna gasped again…that had to have been scary as hell. "I better dress!"
She pulled a change of clothes from her trunk, then vanished into the bathroom.
Cho gave Marietta calculating look, then she crossed the room and waved her wand.
"Oh no!" Luna yelled as the lock clicked into place, "Oh no, no, no! Let me out…please,…please let me out!"
From the other side of the door, Luna heard Cho and Marietta laughing as they left for the common room.
Luna sighed and fell against the door, then she wiped away a tear and slid down to sit upon the floor.
"I guess my dreams weren't meant to come true after all."
George looked around the Ravenclaw common room at the hoard of blood-thirsty looking females. Fred stood next to him, holding a red velvet cushion which held the sparkling silver wand.
"Bloody hell." George gulped loudly. "It's looks like a freaking Wal-mart on Black Friday in here."
Fred nodded. "Well, it could be worse. Remember the Slytherin common room?"
George shuddered, remembering how he had been tackled to the floor by Millicent Bullstrode who tried to grab HIS wand. "I'd rather not thanks."
"Yeah." Fred looked as if he might be sick while he remembered having to shake off Vincent Crabbe while he grabbed for a wand that was particularly special to Fred…and not the wand on the red velvet cushion.
George stepped forward warily, this was the last common room…she had to be here…but which girl was it? None of these girls seemed remarkable….not a single one.
The line moved along slowly, with each girl George's heart sank a little lower…until only five girls remained.
In the rafters above, Dobby and Winky looked on with worried eyes.
"Dobby!" Winky wrung her hands. "Where is Miss Luna? Why is she not among the others?"
They looked at one another, then down at Cho and Marietta, then back at each other…then, they spoke at once.
"THOSE FUCKING BITCHES!" Dobby snapped his fingers, and disappeared.
Luna sat on the bathroom floor, her face buried in her arms while tears ran down her face. All her hope was gone…by now, surely George had moved on.
There was a loud crack in front of her and Dobby appeared.
"Miss Luna! Miss Luna…you must come now! George Weasley seeks the girl he wishes to be his girlfriend in the Ravenclaw Common room!" He smiled and took her hand. "It is you Miss Luna...he has your wand, he does!"
"I…I know Dobby." Luna sniffled "But Cho and Marietta locked me in."
"And you wonder why they tell Blonde jokes." Dobby laughed. "Surely Miss Luna, he who can get in, can also get out!"
"Oh Dobby!" Luna bent and hugged her friend tightly "Oh Dobby, I shall never be able to thank you for this!"
"Worry not Miss Luna." Dobby got a far off dreamy look on his face. "Winky has promised several means of thanking Dobby for freeing Miss Luna."
He snapped his fingers….and he and Luna vanished.
George sighed sadly as another girl lay the sparkling silver wand back on the pillow. There were only two left…he looked up to meet the girls eyes and was hit by a wall of green fumes.
"BLOODY HELL! YOU'RE ONION OF THE SEA GIRL!" He screamed and grabbed the wand from the pillow just as she reached for it.
"Yeah babe!" Marietta reached to pull the wand from his hand. "I'm back!"
George pulled the wand away. "No need for you to try…it's not you!"
"I'll have my turn!"
"Doesn't matter." George hid the wand behind his back. "I wouldn't date you if you paid me."
"I love it when they play hard to get!" Marietta laughed maniacally and began to chase him around the room. Unfortunately for him, George didn't know the common room and he tripped over a foot stool, landing hard on the floor. Marietta laughed as she stood over him.
"LUCY!" She sing-songed "I'M HOME!" Then she jumped on him and wrestled the wand from his death grip.
"Ah-ha!" She said triumphantly, standing with the wand in her hand. She gave it a wave,…suddenly black and orange sparks flew from the end. "I knew it would work!" Marietta looked down at George. "Pucker up big boy! RAWWWWWWWWWR! HISSSSSSSS RAWRRRRRRRRR!"
Then her entire head was enveloped in smoke. Marietta began to cough and splutter, waving furiously to clear the cloud. Finally, the air around her was clear again and she smiled down at George…but the air was the only thing that was clear…for now, blazing across her cheek in pimples the size of jelly beans was the word SNEAK.
"Marietta!" Cho gasped. "You're deformed!"
"Well Duh." Marietta shrugged, "But you promised not to tell anyone that I have twelve toes."
"No! I mean…" Cho reached into her bag for the mirror that she was never without…then showed Marietta what had become of her face. Marietta screamed and ran to the sofa and buried her head between two cushions.
"Oh," Cho shook her head. "Too bad, so sad. NOT.
"We all know what this means." She bent down and picked up the silver wand from where Marietta had dropped it on the ground. "This ho's gotta spare!"
She looked at George and winked "Get ready to come to momma!"
Cho waved the wand over her head, but when she did, nothing happened….not even a spark.
"Awww…" Cho said dejectedly as she flopped down into a chair. "Fuck monkeys."
"Well George..." Fred said with disgust as he watched Marietta's butt waggle around the sofa while she pulled up change and stuffed it into her pocket. "I guess we should be on our way."
"Yes, I suppose." George sighed as he looked around the room. Not a single girl remained…and he still hadn't found his mystery girl. "Let's go Fred."
But just as he turned away, George heard the most beautiful sound in the world…a sweet voice, calling out to him…
"Wait…wait…I haven't tried!" Luna said, running down the stairs. "I haven't had my turn yet!"
"Luna Lovegood?" Fred raised an eyebrow "Really?"
"And just why not?" Luna asked, turning to look at him. "CJ happens to like me. In fact, she says I am her favorite character."
"She likes us more." Fred stuck out his tongue.
"Does not." Luna said stubbornly, thumbing her nose at Fred.
"Does so." Fred argued obnoxiously. "I don't see your calendar page tacked up on her bedroom wall from all the way back to July 08!"
"No, but she has my 09 calendar page on the wall over her desk."
"Erm…could we argue about this later" Marietta yelled from the sofa. "My neck's getting tired."
"Yeah." Cho fogged up her finger nails and polished them on her 'Barney' pajama's. "Could we get a move on? I still need to find a spare."
George smiled at Luna, he already knew she was the one he sought…her eyes, her ivory skin…the soft pink lips.
Besides, she was the only girl left in Hogwarts that hadn't tried the wand yet.
Luna pulled the wand from George's hand, then raised it above her head and gave it a wave. The air was filled with gold and silver stars…and Luna was transformed once again into the beauty from the night before…though she wore sensible day wear.
"It's you…" George breathed, stroking her soft cheek. "Luna Lovegood…it's really you…the girl of my dreams."
"It's really me George Weasley." Luna looked up into his eyes adoringly. "Is that okay?"
"It's not just okay…" George smiled and brushed a kiss over her cheek. "It's very okay."
"Lunarella?" Cho said incredulously "REALLY?"
"Wunwewwa?" Marietta's muffled voice came from the sofa where she was reaching deep down for a deeply seated Cheeto. "WEEWY? 'crunch-crunch-crunch'"
"Yeah, Lunarella." Luna turned to her wicked house- sisters and waved. "Too bad, so sad."
Then, the door to the common room burst open and Headmaster Dumbledore walked in with Professor McGonagall, Cedric Diggory trailing behind.
"That's her professor!" Cedric cried, pointing at Cho. "That's the girl who imperioused me!" He whimpered "She…she,…she.."
He waved his hands furiously in front of his face.
"She violated me!"
"There, there Cedric." Professor McGonagall patted his back. "It's okay…most boys your age would like being violated."
"But professor, everyone knows I'm gay!"
"Are you sure you're really gay?" Dumbledore asked "Maybe you're getting yourself confused with that vampire guy you play from those other books."
"Oh…" Cedric stopped and thought. "Right…all that sparkling from that wand confused me for a moment. Damn…you're right professor, I am straight!"
"You play a gay vampire?" Fred struggled to keep a straight face.
"Oh, he's not gay. People just say he is because of the whole sparkling thing and...well...he doesn't seem to like sex much."
Everyone looked at one another and nodded, then they spoke as ones. "He's gay"
"He is not!" Cedric protested. "He eventually gets laid, though now that I think about it, after the first time, he refuses to do it again."
"Gayier than a gay-pride parade." Dumbledore shook his head. "I should know."
"Well, for the purpose of this story, I'm straight..." He looked around the room, his face a pale shade of green. "...And having sex with her was nasty…she screamed out her own name the whole time, made me do it in front of a mirror so she would watch HERSELF, and...she smells funny."
"Like tuna and onions mate?" George asked
"Yeah." Cedric nodded. "Just like that."
The room turned and looked at Cho, then looked at Marietta's butt sticking out of the sofa.
"I know what THEY'VE been doing." Fred said in a low whisper to George.
"Nothing wrong with being Bisexual." Dumbledore said. "After all those fanficitons…I'm starting to think I am too."
They all nodded in understanding, Marietta waggled her butt up and down in agreement instead as she was too ashamed to show her face.
"Well, be this as it may. The imperious curse is still unforgivable, so Miss Chang, you are to report to a lifetime of detention, scrubbing the Slytherin toilets…grab your toothbrush, you'll need it."
"Ewwww." Cho groaned as she was lead from the common room, her tooth brush in her hands. "Ewwwww."
"You too Miss Edgecombe." Professor McGonagall pulled Marietta out of the sofa, halfway through a mouth full of extremely stale Funyons.
"Wha'? Why" She blubbered, spewing crumbs all over the place to clear her mouth.
"You too shall serve a life time of detention…" Professor McGonagall opened the door.
"For what?" Marietta blathered
"I don't know." Professor McGonagall shook her head. "Give me time, I'll think of something."
"Oh, okay!" Marietta waved. "George Weebley…my love, you must promise me you'll go on….Remember…we'll always have the Mule Ball. Never forget love…never forget."
"You know…" Dumbledore laughed as he stepped through the door. "I don't think there is enough brain bleach in the world to forget that one.
"Come along young Cedric, tell me more about this sparkling vampire friend of yours." Dumbledore put his hand on Cedric's back. "Does he ever cross over into our universe?"
"All the time sir…" Cedric nodded "All the time."
"Well…" Fred looked around the now empty room. "Don't I feel like a third wheel. Guess I will go and steal some panties out of the laundry or something." He grinned and tossed the red velvet pillow at George, then waved as he headed for the door. "Psst Luna…"
Fred opened the door and stuck one foot out, then stuck his tongue out at Luna. "CJ likes me better" he sing-songed.
Then, before she could answer, he closed the door.
George smiled and pulled her closer. "Never mind him, you'll get used to it."
"It's okay," Luna smiled " I'm very secure about my place in Harry Potter fandom."
George loved women with self-confidence.
"So, is it really okay that I am Luna Lovegood?" She asked with a teasing smile. "You're not the least bit surprised?"
"Not at all." George brushed a finger over her cheek and smiled. "I knew since last night really, Flitwick showed me chapter two and then tried to obliviate me…but he didn't go far enough back."
"Oh…I see." Luna smiled "So you've just been playing along."
"Yes." He nodded and winked. "CJ threatened me with a slash fic if I didn't."
"Ohh." Luna nodded, a horrified look on her face. "Good choice."
"I have to play by her rules…totally at her mercy you see." George smiled and lowered his face to hers. "And this is the part where she says I am supposed to deep tongue kiss you."
"Deep tongue?" Luna raised an eyebrow. "really?"
"Okay, I ad-libbed that." George moved closer, his lips brushed softly over hers "But she did say I am supposed to kiss you."
Luna sighed as he brushed his lips over hers again. "I love a fic that has a happy ending, don't you?"
"Maybe she will write a sequel where we get to have sex." George moved even closer and closed his eyes, his lips touching hers...but barely. "The only ones who got any in this one were Dobby and Winky."
"George?" Luna pulled back and looked deep into his eyes.
"Are you going to keep talking, or are you going to kiss me?"
"I'm going to kiss you." He pulled her face to his, their lips millimeters apart. "A lot…a whole lot. Forever and ever."
And as their lips met, a shower of gold and silver sparks shot out of the end of the sparkly silver wand, enveloping them in a haze of never ending bliss.
It would never be like this with anybody else...this moment was perfect...and they were perfect for one another.
All because CJ said so.
Above them in the rafters, Dobby and Winky sighed and looked on.
"And so it ends Dobby." Winky smiled "We did it"
"We did it Winky." Dobby smiled back "In fact, we did it a lot in this fic. I hope CJ writes another fic with us in it…she has a dirty mind."
"Quit thinking with your penis Dobby." Winky sighed.
"As soon as Winky quits watching Draco Malfoy and Vincent Crabbe when they do naughty things together in the shower."
Winky sighed…that day was never going to come.
"Okay Dobby can think with his penis all he wants." Winky relented.
"So Winky, it's a new day." Dobby leaned in and grinned. "Shall we go for a record?"
Winky looked at Dobby and grinned, the she began to sing...
"We can do it, we can do it…"
And so, George and Luna lived happily ever after...
….but nowhere near as happy...
...as Dobby and Winky.
So, it was seriously not my intention to offend anyone with this fanfiction...that would include:
Barty Crouch Jr's annoying twitch
The Worst Cooks in America
Chicken of the Sea
Cho the ho/Marietta fans
Fairy Godfathers/Fairy Godmothers
Anyone with a penis
Anyone who wears Granny panties with skid marks
Funyons or Cheetoes fans
Anyone who owns a sofa
Parentally Appointed Wish Engineers
Sorting Hat fans
Voldemorts Nipple, Dobby's Sock, Blast-Ended skanks and/or Hagrids Buttcrack.
Ludo Bagmans gambling debts
George's missing ear
The Cake Boss
That guy from the Allstate commercials (I am a random wind storm...Shakey...shakey shakey shakey...shakey shakey! CRASH!)
Gerard Way (I think he was damaged enough in "My Immortal," don't you?)
Anyone who has ever been rick-rolled
Anyone with a vagina
The independent party
Gandolf the Grey/White
So you think you can dance...wait...that has it coming.
Your left big toe
Anyone who has a smurf tattooed on their ass
Leroy Jethro Gibbs
Dentists...oh wait, I don't mind offending them, they suck..strike that.
The mean old lady who lives downstairs from me
Anyone who wears an A cup
Anyone who wears a nut cup
Anyone who drinks from a coffee cup
Anyone who likes green eggs and ham
Anyone who likes sam I am
Anyone who likes Dr. Suess
Anyone who's been hung with a noose
Any crazy people on the loose
Captain Jack Swallows
Women who use band-aids for bras
Women who use nickles for birth control
Barney Fans...if you are reading this, you need to go to bed, it is past your bedtime.
Iron Chef America
The Cast of High School Musical...wait, they have it coming.
Our neighbors cats
Those McDonalds fries that have been under your car seat for four years
Pepperoni Pizza with black olives and Mushrooms
If I left anything/anyone out...feel free to flame me for being offensive! :P
Seriously I did not mean to offend anyone...this was a for fun parody...please take it in the manner it was meant. :)
Oh, and review!