--So this is just one big fat what if. I wanted to do this in my last one but decided against it. Now I'm brining my series back with a vengeance. I hope my regulars show up and maybe some new ones too! Have fun. And Sammy girls, this is nothing personal—

If I Ruled the World




I don't wanna be the girl that laughs the loudest

A year and three weeks. That's how long he's been in Hell. Nine months and three weeks. That's how long I've been drunk. Nine months and three weeks. That's how long my baby's been gone. With him. With the thing worse than Satan. With her uncle.

Or the girl who never wants to be alone

Eight months and three days. That's when Maggie disappeared. I'm alone now. Left alone to kill the demons that come my way day and night. Will they kill me? No. I've asked them too. Sam won't let them. Not because he cares, because he knows I suffer more if I live.

I don't wanna be the call at four o'clock in the mornin'

I tip the bottle into my mouth again. Why don't I just kill myself? Because that damn angel won't let me. He says I'm important. That God needs me. Well, if you ask me God's doin a real shitty job right now.

'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

I'm stuck in this world where humans are the workers. The humans are seen as vermin and scum. If you're a thing of darkness, you've got it made. But not me. I won't become a monster. But I'm more than willing to let one finish me off.

Ahhahh, the sun is blindin

I stayed up again

I hate this. I have no reason to live. Most of the time I don't feel like I'm alive. The motions are robotic. I hardly ever speak. I still cry, even though I should be well out of tears.

Ohohoh, I am findin'. That's not the way I want my story to end

I tipped the bottle into my mouth, feeling the sting as it worked its way down my throat. I could still feel that. Pain. It was the only thing I could feel.

I'm safe. Up high. Nothing can touch me

The tears are there again when I remember his face. That beautiful face that I loved so much. His eyes so gentle and green. I miss him so much. But this time I can't save him. I can't try to make my visions find him. He's gone forever. And there's nothing I can do about it.

But why do I feel this party's over? No pain. Inside

"Lauren." The voice startles me. I look up and snicker.

"You would show up right now." I said. Castiel walked toward me. He glanced at the almost empty bottle in my hand.

You're my protection. But how do I feel this good sober

"You should stop drinking." He said. I smirked and took another drink. He sighed.

"You're going to kill yourself, Lauren."

"Good." I grunted.

I don't wanna be the girl that has to fill the silence

"You shouldn't say things like that." He said, looking at the floor.

"Why should you care? I can't do anything for you." I said. Another swig.

The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth

"Yes you can, Lauren. That's why I'm here." He said. I looked up at him.

"What, you want me to kill Sam?" I asked, hopeful. But he shook his head. I stopped paying attention.

Please don't tell me we had a conversation. 'Cause I won't remember, save your breath. 'Cause what's the use?

"I need you to go get something for me." He sat down across from me, probably in an attempt to take the bottle away. I held it tighter.

"I'm not UPS." I said.

Ahhahh, the night is callin'

"Lauren, please," The angel reached across the table and grasped my hand. I jerked it away. No one touched me anymore. And especially people I didn't care for. "Sorry."

And it whispers to me softly, "Come and play". But I, I am fallin'

"Just don't touch me." I said shortly.

"Will you please do this for me?" He asked. God, he was getting more and more human by the second.

And if I let myself go I'm the only one to blame. I'm safe, up high. Nothing can touch me

"What do you want me to get?" I asked. He looked at the table.

"I can't tell you." He said. I took another drink.

But why do I feel this party's over

"Of course you can't." I smirked ruefully.

"I need you to-"

"Have faith?"

No pain. Inside. You're like perfection. But how do I feel this good sober

He remained silent.

"Why should I, Cas? You've given me no reason to." I said.

"You're still alive." He said, trying to make a point. I shook my head.

Comin' down, comin' down, comin' down. Spinnin' round, spinnin' round spinnin' round

"That's more of a curse than anything." I said. Silence again.

"Lauren, please." He said, his eyes pleading with me.

"Where is it?" I asked. Suddenly I felt a sharp pain in my head, and it wasn't from the alcohol.

Lookin' for myself, sober

I saw a road, the blood red sky still there. I knew where it was without knowing a real address. I glared at him.

"You're an ass," I said. He didn't react. I finished what was left in the bottle and stood. "Am I going to get something dangerous?" He looked at the floor.

"I don't know." He whispered. I shook my head and left the room, grabbing the gun off of the dresser before I did.

Comin' down, comin' down, comin' down

I drove, not thinking about where I was going. I felt so numb. Still so lifeless. I wish I'd be able to feel something. Maybe slicing my wrist open. Yeah, I'd feel that.

Spinnin' round, spinnin' round, spinnin' round. Lookin' for myself, sober

I was on a gravel road, and I was lucky that I looked up. I slammed on my brakes, stopping only feet short of the mass lying in the middle of the road. I opened the door and walked toward it slowly, drawing my gun. As my eyes focused I saw that it was a person.

When it's good, then it's good, it's so good 'til it goes bad

My defenses lowered. If this was a human they were probably dead, or close to it. Or it was a demon waiting to kill something. Either way, I didn't care.

'Til you're tryin to find the you that you once had

"Hey," I said, kneeling next to the person. "Hey are you alright?"

I've heard myself cry 'never again'

I focused on the form, what the man looked like. It was familiar. Too familiar. Painfully familiar. I leant down and turned the man's face. My heart twisted and I gasped.

Broken down in agony, just tryin' to find a friend, oh, oh

"Dean," I whispered. His face was still. His skin was hot. He looked like he was sleeping. I felt for his pulse just to be sure. I sobbed once when I felt the rhythmic beat. "Dean." I cradled his face in my hands, barely daring to touch him. I felt like I might break him.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you." Castiel said behind me. I wasn't startled this time.

I'm safe, up high. Nothing can touch me

"Is he real?" I asked. The angel nodded.

"Yes. It's really him."

But why do I feel this party's over

"How?" I asked.

"We went and got him." I glared up at him.

"Why did it take so long?" I snarled.

"Because we had to fight to get to him. It was harder than we anticipated. And we were still too late." I didn't want to know what for.

No pain, inside. You're like perfection

"His skin's so hot." I said. Castiel nodded again.

"A hundred and twenty years in Hell does that." He said.


But how do I feel this good sober

"Hell time and Earth time are not the same." Castiel said. I looked back down at his beautiful face. He was here, with me, and he was mine again.

"Will he be alright?"

I'm safe, up high. Nothing can touch me

"I don't know," Castiel said. "He'll wake in a few hours." I touched his cheek, still worried that he would disappear.

And Castiel was gone after that. I felt the tears of disbelief start to fall from my eyes. I hugged him to me. God his skin was so hot. I started to sob, touching his hair and his face, clinging to him for dear life.

But why do I feel this party's over

He was back. And he was mine. Right here again. But is he alright? One hundred and twenty years. I had no idea what he'd be like now. If he was still my Baby.

No pain, inside. You're like perfection

I was still crying. God I had missed him so much. But I wouldn't be assured until I heard him speak. Until he said my name. Until he looked at me with those beautiful eyes.

He stirred in my arms and moaned. He leaned into me and relaxed. I had to get him out of here. As soon as I thought that I was back in the motel room, my car parked outside.

I looked up. "Thank you Cas."

But how do I feel this good, sober