Disclaimer: The story which I have based this one-shot on, Twilight, does not belong to me. Neither, in fact, does the mary-sue, which was adapted from another person's. For her reputation I will keep her name undisclosed.

I thank all the people who gave me the ideas for this little one-shot. In fact, many people contributed. Thank you!

And lastly, this may not be a good story. So, if it isn't, don't hesitate to tell me the truth.

The Tragic Life of a Twit

Hi, I'm Ariel Lee. Oh, guess what? My parents died when I was twelve, my brother, who raised me up, died yesterday and my pet hamster who's been with me all my life died five minutes ago. What a sad life I lead! No, I do not happen to be joking. And now I am all alone, single, hot and family-less.

So what do I do now? I know! I take my pick from the whole selection of vampires out there waiting for me to seduce! Who are they again? They're known as the Cullens. Or rather, Edward, Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie, Alice, Carlisle and Esme. Even Bella is there for me to seduce (although she's a human so that makes her much more susceptible to my seductive prowess!

Yes. I've got it all – money, looks, grades and intelligence. My wit impresses even the block of marble you all know as Edward!

In fact, I'm so hot that all the guys out there can do is stare at me, drooling, with their mouths wide open. I have turquoise hair which can change color naturally, and I have multicoloured eyes that can change color naturally, and I have a great bod which I keep toned by going to the gym every five minutes. I know! I'm just so perfect! Don't you just wish you were me?

Oh yes, and the guys. All my boyfriends are so hot that you'd nosebleed once you look at them. In fact, they even fight wars just to win my heart. My elite self then condescends to be nice to the "mortals". What, you mean you haven't realised? I'm part Phoenix, part Dragon, part Fairy, part Vampire, part Werewolf, part Human and part Mage. Look at my holy self, drop to your feet and start worshipping! No wonder all the guys and girls in my school are totally falling in love with me!

One more thing. I possess the ability to seduce the vampire who is so in love with his little friend! In fact, that jealous bitch just can't stand me and wants to come and kill me. Well, I know I'm hot, but she doesn't have to be so evil right? Oh but no, she does this so that her ex-boyfriend will start to hate her and love me instead. My life is so blessed and good! Except that the jealous ex-girlfriends are bitches to me. But since there are so many of them in my life, I'm used to it. Be jealous.

And I happen to be one of the most powerful mortals in the whole of the Earth's existence! What the hell is my perfect self doing in this sad, sad, heartbreaking world? I should go and get a life in some fairyland like Neopia which is filled with tranquillity, happiness and cuteness which really is the only place which my holy soul should live in.

But before I go and continue with my absolutely wonderful existence, I've got to thank the person who created me – my parents. Who happen to be the most influential people on the Earth, and the ruler of the magic realm. And my brother happens to be the greatest warrior who ever lived in history, and my pet hamster was actually a person who could transform from human to hamster! How amazing! Yes. Continue to envy my existence, since I'm the only one on Earth who can be like that. So I shall reiterate – be jealous. You know you are.