"It wasn't a lie but it wasn't true
I just wanted to make you feel good
Just wanted you near
I wasn't prepared I wasn't thinking of you
That you could actually love me
It never should have started."
Gavin DeGraw- Glass
Chapter 4- Haven't We All
What am I going to do? I need advice, a second opinion perhaps. It was not long before I turned to Hilda. After I told her my story, I asked her if I should tell Matt what happened between Henry and me. She surprised me by saying I should withhold it from him because if the kiss was not a big deal then I should not mention it. Why make a big deal out of nothing, right? Okay, her argument might have made sense, but another bigger part of my conscious kept insisting that I owe Matt the entire truth. Why did I listen to Hilda again? Of course that one was obvious. She was my older sister and I loved her very much so I respected what she had to say. And while she might have had good intentions, they ultimately did not work out in this situation. I should have listened to myself.
This experience is making me question my identity. Am I a good person or not? If I am then, why did this mess with Henry happen? I let it happen actually. My judgments were not impaired, and I made choices like any other day. I know I was a part of the blame, but it is becoming too easy to feel guilty and have the desperate need to apologize. I wish I could take everything back. No matter how great I want to change the last 24 hours, I know that is not possible. I cannot handle lying and avoiding the truth for much longer so I will say the shameful truth now.
'Matt, I met up with Henry last night. He was cheering me up because I didn't get that position that I'd hoped for. We were saying goodbyes, and we kissed. I'm sorry. He was my first love. I don't think someone ever really falls out of love with their first love, but you have to know that I love you, Matt. I choose you because I see you as part of my future. I don't know how I can make you understand where I'm coming from. Even when I'm a bad person who committed a huge mistake, I have to tell you how I feel about my past and about us if I want to keep what you and I have.'
That monologue was what I should have said; only I didn't. Where did my courage go?
Now it appears like I am too late to redeem myself. You have known the whole time and were only waiting for me to confess what I have done. You wanted to see if I could be honest with you, and it is with burning remorse that I admit I had failed your test. Again, I am naively wishing that I can take everything back. I'm sorry. I'm sorry although repeating those words won't be enough either. It really won't. Did I expect them to?
And without warning, your once tender, deep brown eyes charges through me and I can barely leaf through a glimpse of how much I hurt you. Oh gosh, I am overwhelmed with emotions. There are traces of regret and even sympathy. You also have chunks of horrific anger and solid bitterness buried within those irises. Unfortunately for me, in that next moment, you choose to conceal your feelings. I don't think you meant for anybody to witness this "weak" display of emotion since you quickly straightened your face blank. Not that I don't understand why you are continuing to remain emotionless, I am the culprit to this ordeal. Did I expect leniency or for you to forgive me already?
When you silently turned and walked away, I stared stupefied, trying to process the events that occurred. My body reacted with prevailing determination. 'I am not going to give up on you, Matt Hartley,' I mentally told myself. This relationship isn't over because it sure doesn't feel over. I still think that you're in love with me. I just really damaged your trust by cheating on you with my first serious ex-boyfriend. I have to find a way to repair things between us. Mostly, I have hope, and I am going to hold on to that like the way you held me, how your lean arms would encircle my form and this pleasant but peculiar feeling would erupt from my chest to the rest of my frame. You'd make me smile. It was usually in those instances that I knew you had my heart while I had yours. I promise I will do things differently if I had another chance with you. I'm not going to break your heart and take for granted everything we shared like it meant nothing at all, never again. I plan to guard and keep it safe like I should have the first time. Somehow, I'm going to regain your trust and prove that my loyalty won't waver.
'Matt, you're my guy.'
A/N: Wow, after a long hiatus. I wrote another chapter! I wonder if anyone is still reading this? Oh, well. =)
Drop me a review. I appreciate feedback.
Title from the song "Haven't We All" by Kurt Adam