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Disclaimer: I don't own Harvest Moon.

Warning: Major OOCness ahead.

Dating Prospects

It was a cool summer evening. Kai and Gray were enjoying nice snow cones at the Snack Shack – honestly though, would they enjoy evil snow cones?

"What does the scouter say about her hotness level?" Kai asked.

"It's over nine-thousand!" Gray said.

"Mary's that hot, huh?" Kai inquired.

"Yes. Yes she is." There was a slight pause. "What about Popuri?"

"She's the hottest thing since nuclear fusion. Ooh, I need to write that one down."

Just then, Jack, the local farmer walked into the restaurant. "Hey guys!" Jack greeted nonchalantly. "What's up?"

"Nothing much," Gray said. "Just talking about the hoes we're dating."

Wait, they were dating gardening tools? Jack didn't understand. "Why would you date a hoe?"

Kai gave Jack a look, as if this was the simplest thing there was. "What else would I date?"

"Yeah," Gray put in. "They're not very bright, but it gets good when you start necking with them."

Jack stared at them for a moment – were these two freackin' insane?

"Oh, yeah," Kai started. "There was this one time where we"-

"IT'S NOT LOGICAL! IT'S NOT LOGICAL!" Jack made a break for the door. He had to get back to sanity! And maybe, while he was there, he could get some chocolate.

Jack stared into the water of the Goddess Pond. Normally, he'd be admiring his reflection, but extreme circumstances called for extreme measures – he was going to connect with the Harvest Goddess. He stared into the water concentrating… concentrating… concentra – oh, wait he had to throw something in the pond. Jack took some moldy toe jam out of his rucksack, and lightly tapped the A button.

In a swirl of lights, a green-haired woman emerged from the pond. "Oh, pitiful human of Earth!" She declared. "Why hast thou summoned me?"

Jack was silent for a moment. "Why aren't you wet? I mean, you just came out of water and everything, so…"

"Oh, pitiful human of Earth! That is none of your beeswax!"

"Okay then," Jack said. "Will help me with my problem?"

The deity pondered this for a moment. She knew what the problem was, being, y'know, magical and all. "Five-hundred gold for a lucky charm, two-thousand gold for a divination. Take it or leave it."

"What? Two-thousand! There's no way that could be"-

"Don't. Just don't." The goddess was getting impatient.

"Fine… I'll buy the fortune," Jack reluctantly agreed, shelling out the money.

The goddess hummed, making an "o" with her right index finger and right thumb. She did the same with her left hand, and closed her eyes. "I see it… I see the constellation Orion making a pact with The Little Dipper. 'I will trade you two Babe Ruth cards for a Mike Piazza,' Orion will propose. 'Hmm,' The Little Dipper will respond. 'That is an interesting proposition indeed.'"

"What do stars collecting baseball cards have to do with anything?" Jack inquired, not quite comprehending. The goddess returned her body to normal. "Absolutely nothing. I just conned you, big time. I mean, come on. Really."

Two-thousand gold short, Jack stared into his cocktail. He was at the Inn, waiting for Ann. If anyone could make sense of this, it was his girlfriend. The redhead was waiting on Mary, who was staring at a pile of onions. Apparently, she was basing a character on vegetables – probably a villain.

"Hey, sweetie," Ann greeted Jack when she was done with Mary. "What's up?"

"Oh, pudding-pop. It's terrible!" Jack moaned.

"What's the problem, honey-cake?"

"It's Kai and Gray, princess. They said they were dating… hoes!"

"They said what?" Ann was deeply perturbed.

"I know, right? It makes no sense! Why would anyone date a farming implement?"

"Um, Jack? While I go viciously maim Kai and Gray, you are going to have a talk with my dad. About girls. And stupidity." Ann headed for the beach.

Doug took a seat next to Jack. He hadn't taken a shower in days, and flies flocked to his face like teenagers flocked to pornographic material.

"Umm…" Jack started. "I will trade you two Babe Ruth cards for a Mike Piazza."

"Hmm. That is an interesting proposition indeed."

THE END

Author's Notes: I've been wanting to do this for months, but I hadn't known what to do after the first scene. Then, when Katrina gave me a hilarious fortune in Animal Crossing, I just figured it out. Also, the latest issue of Nintendo Power announced that Shining Sun and Friends and Exciting Animal March will be coming stateside, as Shining Islands and Animal Parade respectively.