The Fanfiction Testament
And from the LoTR Obsessants proceedeth the Fanfiction writers. But not all were true to Canon, and thus there was much flaming and strife among them. And Legolas spake unto the fangirls. . .
Just a bit of silliness dedicated to Tolkien freaks everywhere! It's sort of a mixture of Bible verse and Silmarillion verse as well. I'm not out to offend anyone in this – remember, it's all in fun. Enjoy!
The Gospel According to Araloth
In the beginning, there was the Great Professor, Tolkien the Mighty, Lord of Oxford. And this man took unto himself the great task of writing the holy Trilogy, and presented it to the masses. And the multitudes taking up the Trilogy wondered much and held it in reverence – of these cometh the Obsessants, who rejoice in the writings of the Great Professor and in the perving on of Elves and Men.
And the Trilogy was not destined to remain in Book form forever, for Jackson took upon himself the Making of the Movies. And he said unto the Obsessants, "Therefore I say 'Ëa'! Let these things Be!" And the Obsessants rejoiced.
These Obsessants were not all of one mind, being in different groups one from another – the Book Geeks, and the Movie Lovers, and the Elvish Nerds; these are chief among them. And each group conflicts one with the other, for The Book Geeks believe themselves to be superior in knowledge, for they were fans before ever the Movies of Jackson came into Being. And the Movie Lovers hold the Book Geeks in disdain as pompous nerds. And the Elvish Nerds do hold themselves in the right, for they are learned in the Lore of the Great Professor and doth speak in tongues (Yet the Book Geeks believe that the Elvish Nerds err, for the Lord of Oxford once spake unto the people, saying, 'Thou shalt not attempt to learn Elvish, for thy pronunciation and grammar driveth me round the bend.').
But verily a further division there was, so that there was a group apart from the rest, who have a share in the knowledge of all three. These are they who form the Fanfiction Writers, and who in writing profess their faith in the holy Trilogy, and rejoice in the perving on of Elves and Men in more eloquent fashion. And for long they were content.
But amid the Fanfiction Writers there are those who in their willfulness rebel against the Canon of the Trilogy. And they refuse thereby the good teachings of Concrit, and in thus refusing are badly flamed. Therefore there was a great dissent concerning canon amongst the Writers.
For the Canon Nazis and the Purists declared war upon the Legolas!fans, saying that in the Sacred Appendices there is no account of Legolas ever falling in love with teenage females, and therefore there is slim chance now. And the Suethors, ever so numerous, joined the Legolas!fans in saying that it is perfectly just for those of mortal race, and teenagers beside, to hit upon the Elves. Whereupon the Alliance of Purists took up a mace whereby to smite their opponents, and the Alliance of Leggie took up their Pointy-Heeled Pink Shoes of Peril against them.
But the Slashers defied them all, denying platonic relationship and casting Canon to the fiery chasm. So there was strife among the Writers, and ever shall be, even to the Great End. For between those who are true to canon and those who doth chuck it into the Everlasting Trash Pile there can be no compromise.
And there was yet more strife among the Writers, for possession of the Elf of Great Hotness – for some did yet desire him in secret, seeking to wrest him from the more open Legolas!fans and Suethors.
But in these matters the Fellowship was consulted not, and highly pissed were they at being thus excluded, especially Legolas Greenleaf, over whom this War raged fierce. For the fics of the Writers concerned oft the Elf of Great Hotness, and displeased was he at the lack of originality.
"What shall I do?" asked Legolas of his friend the Ranger of Unwashed Glory. Who in his wisdom responded,
"Maybe thou shouldst have a chat to the multitudes, and dispel their false ideas." For the squeeing multitudes were greatly deceived by the false illusion that Legolas being hot and single wast up for grabs. The Elf of Great Hotness sought to drive out the wicked inclinations of the fangirls, but lo! when he went forth upon the Mountain to speak, the masses cried out joyfully and drowned out his words. And therefore he nearly lost his temper.
Therefore the Wizard Who Hath Used Bleach came unto the mount and bade them shut up, laying a great quiet on the masses. And Legolas regaining his composure saith unto the multitudes,
"Blessed are they who do not squee. For what doth it profit an Elf if thou dost squee at him all day, and never give him a moment's rest from thy shrieks?
Blessed are they who maketh use of good spelling and grammar, for these are the makings of a good story.
Blessed are they who write creative stories with original plotlines, for they shall receive reviews.
"Woe to those who stampede in their madness, for they shall be bruised.
"For I say unto you – the greatest commandment is this: Love the works of the Mighty Tolkien, and hold ye in esteem his respect for platonic love between hobbits, and between Elf and Ranger, and between Elf and Elf."
But many turned from the path of truth, and did not heed the words of the Elf of Great Hotness.
And the Wise among the Writers say that the Great Professor turneth in his grave, and that his spirit doth bang its head against the Gates of Heaven in frustration.
That, my friends, is what happens when you're badly in need of a break from school! I hope you all enjoyed – if so, leave a review.