Author's notes: These are at the beginning (a change in style for me) by way of an apology. This is a 'Sue-bashing oneshot, written purely for my own amusement, and posted in the hopes that someone else might find it funny too; the 'bunny bit me and refused to let go, I'm afraid. If you're fed up with the genre, you've had fair warning! That said, any and all comments (or complaints, for that matter!) are welcome. And if it raises a laugh, all the better.
Disclaimer: Don't own it, never will. See my profile for full details.
To Save The Kingdom
It was a crisp autumn day in Narnia, and all was as it should be. The dryads were busy furnishing their trees with the colours of the season, the naiads sang softly in their rivers of the approach of winter, and the various creatures of the Shuddering Woods went about their daily lives. Moles burrowed, birds sang, squirrels foraged... just as it should be. There was an air of peace and tranquillity about the land; Narnia had not suffered invasion or war for some months, and she was beginning to flourish under the careful guidance of the Kings and Queens at Cair Paravel.
Without warning, the silence was shattered by the most awful sound imaginable. Dogs for miles in every direction whined and clutched their ears, and animals, fauns, and even satyrs ran for cover, carrying tales of every woe possible. Even the centaurs, noble and calm as they normally were, fled the woods and ran for the Cair, each bearing news that the very stars themselves had actually changed their alignments, and were now spelling out signs of doom. Something truly evil was at the source of the dreaded, wailing sound that pierced the autumn air.
The source of the sound could be found wending its way down an idyllic (if now empty) forest path, heading toward Cair Paravel at a stately pace. Those animals brave enough to have stayed (or too afraid to move) would later report that it was a carriage, made from an unidentifiable material of a hideous pink hue. It was pulled by a constantly changing number of garishly decorated, bright pink ponies; it appeared that whatever fell power inhabited the coach, the being that was making the star-offending din, could not decide how many ponies it wanted... whichever foul creature it was, be it witch, hag or worse, Narnia was no doubt in grave danger.
O o O o O
Princess Marianna Susanna Daystar Rose-Amelie C'thulu Smith, Sorceress of Light, Lady of Beloved Wonderment and prophesied Guardian-Queen of Narnia (she had thought of that one by herself) was overjoyed at finally being in Narnia. So happy was she that she had been singing her heart out since she had crossed the border from... well, wherever it was. A small part of her mind, such as it was, had barely registered that her singing hadn't drawn flocks of animals and birds to her carriage; in fact, quite the opposite. It had worked in the other fandoms, but here... here, her beautiful, amazing voice seemed to be actually driving them away.
The one, small voice that had pointed that disturbing fact out was quickly drowned out, by the miracle of a second thought in as many minutes. Oh well, a much louder voice had said in her mind, perhaps they've gone to herald my arrival to Petey-kins. Like in that cartoon with the mice and the pumpkin. Yay! For that was the reason she was here, her sole purpose for existing... at least, it had been since her last boy-crush, at any rate.
Mary's authoress had been introduced to the idea of fanfiction, and its many possibilities, some six months ago, and she had immediately latched onto the idea of creating a character and having her find her one true love. Since then, Mary Sue had been trawling the various fandoms, looking for what she lovingly referred to as 'Teh One!!!!111!!!'.
She had started in the Jonas Brothers fandom. The authoress had created the perfect fan, one that Nick (the 'hawt' one) Jonas, or even one of the other two (whose names almost always escaped her), would find irresistible. And so it was that Mary-Sue had been born. This perfect, model character had entered the fandom, head held high, immaculate make-up shining in the morning sun... and had promptly been crushed to death by the countless hordes of other 'perfect' fans as they stampeded towards the stage the Jonas Brothers were inhabiting at the time.
Not to be disparaged, the authoress had quickly reincarnated Mary, and had taken her to another fandom. This one had been inspired by the authoress's little brother, and Mary-Sue had very suddenly found herself riding in a coach very much like her current one, heading toward Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry. For three weeks, Mary had tried to convince a certain Mr. Potter that she was the perfect girl for him, and that only with her by his side could they defeat Lord What's-his-face and live happily ever after. She had even tried being nice to that ginger-headed boy he always hung out with. And after all that effort, all of the learning she had been forced to endure, the four-eyed twit had simply been more interested in her ponies...
Her trip to Middle Earth had been even more disastrous. She had been dead set on Orland... no, Legolas... as her new 'twoo wuv', but due to certain events involving two wizards, a palantir, and a one-in-a-million shot with an arrow, her beloved elf-dude had accidentally shot her as she crested the horizon, poised to single-handedly rescue the hobbits from certain death. Not that she had particularly cared about the hobbits, but it would have impressed Legolas. Instead, before the sweet sounds of her voice could enchant him, or her dazzlingly wonderful skills with a sword and bow (because that was very important) could impress him, she had found herself forcibly expelled from the world. Still, accidents happen, she guessed.
Other fandoms had proved to be let-downs of equal greatness. Even High School Musical had been a dead loss... Mary (and her authoress, apparently) had not thought about the possibility of the basketball team being such lethal shots with the aforementioned sporting equipment; not to mention the problem that, while boys dancing and singing in gym kit were quite good fun to watch (to the mind of a fangirl, at least), they did rather tend to sweat. A lot. And so it was, dejected but not yet beaten, that Mary-Sue came to Narnia.
Deciding to stop singing for the moment, Mary sat back in her chair and regarded her flawless reflection in a very large mirror. She was perfect, and there was no way that High King Peter could resist her. She had flawlessly pale skin, flowing hair that could change colour to match the mood of the moment, and a set of teeth that had (quite by accident) saved a ship from crashing into the coast. On top of all of that, she had a life story that no dashing hero could stay away from. Her parents, having tried to get rid of her at birth due to her fantastical magical abilities, had only just decided that they loved her after all, when an evil dragon had eaten them and carried Mary off... the ensuing tale of woe would surely melt the hardest of hearts.
Mary adjusted her hair once more, better to accentuate her honey-blonde highlights, and sighed happily. This is it, she thought to herself. True love, here I come!
O o O o O
Not so very many miles away sat the castle of Cair Paravel, home of the four rulers of Narnia. Banners and pennants snapped and rustled in the breeze coming in off of the nearby ocean, and the early afternoon sunlight reflected from high, white towers and a myriad crystal windows. The inhabitants of the castle, from the lowliest kitchen maid to the two Kings and two Queens themselves, truly loved their home, not least of all for the peace and tranquillity that resided there with Aslan's blessing.
"Edmund, let me go right this instant! I'm fine, honestly... Lucy, there really is no need to pinch... I have to see her, she's my true love, I tell you!" For the second or third time that afternoon, the peace and calm at the Cair was shattered by the embattled cries of the eldest ruler of the realm. At the very top of the tallest tower, High King Peter Pevensie, called The Magnificent and Sir Wolfsbane, Emperor of the Lone Islands and Protector of Narnia under Aslan himself, was acting in a most undignified manner.
He had been hollering insistently about rescuing a princess that no-one had ever heard of, and acting in general like a proverbial bee that was being drawn to a certain set of honey-blonde highlights. Having seen this kind of enchantment far too often of late, the younger Pevensies knew exactly what to do. They had dragged their almost delirious brother to the furthest point from the castle gates, and were now proceeding to restrain him as best they could, with the help of several members of the royal guard, including the massive form of General Oreius. Peter was going nowhere fast.
King Edmund stepped back from his brother for a moment, and wiped his brow with his sleeve. He watched as his very determined little sister and three guards of assorted sizes wrestled Peter to the floor, and heaved a sigh. They had to find a way to stop these 'Sue invasions, they really did. Not only were they annoying in the extreme, but dragging his brother here every so often (and being dragged himself, on very rare occasions) was starting to take its toll on all of the siblings. Taking another steadying breath, Edmund looked toward the tower's parapet, where his older sister, Queen Susan, stood on watch.
"Any sign of her yet, Su?" he asked, his voice a little hoarse from having to shout over the ramblings of his brother. Susan looked back at him, her features pinched with worry.
"Not yet," she said, her voice quiet. "We'll have to make sure she's clear of the trees when she does appear. The dryads won't thank us if we get any more of that 'Sue-goo on their trees like last time."
"Too true," Edmund replied ruefully, remembering the last instance all too well. He looked back at his brother, just in time to see Queen Lucy making a good show of dragging Peter to the floor, held in a headlock that Edmund had taught her himself for just such an occasion. He just hoped she didn't decide to use it on him the next time he was the target of a 'Sue. He shuddered at the thought, before kneeling down next to Peter's head.
"Pete? Can you hear me?" he said, and was greeted by a half mumbled reply.
"Lemme go... gotta rescue... mmrffle... beautiful eyes..."
"How can he even know that?" Lucy asked. "I swear, he's getting worse."
"Agreed," Edmund muttered to himself, before looking up at the general. The powerful centaur returned the young king's gaze, ready and waiting to help. "General Oreius," Edmund said, "you are sworn to protect this family and this kingdom, from forces within and without, at any cost. Am I correct?" Oreius nodded, knowing full well where this question was leading.
"Of course, my liege."
"Then would you do Narnia and my family the great service," asked Edmund, "of sitting on my brother?"
O o O o O
The castle (and her hunky husband-to-be) was nearby, Mary-Sue could almost taste it. In her excitement, the girl was standing with her head and arms poking out of her carriage's sunroof, so she could have an unobstructed view of the castle as she exited the forest. On the edge of the tree line, Mary spotted a small squirrel, staring at her and her amazing transportation with what she took for awe and wonderment... something for which we must forgive her, dear reader. They both look very similar to abject terror, if one is not truly paying attention (which frankly, Mary wasn't).
Mary-Sue waved happily at the poor animal, shouting in her almost unintelligible version of speech that she was very much looking forward to being queen of Narnia. The thought struck her at that point that perhaps she had better announce the idea to the world at large, as she didn't want it to be a total surprise. So she spread her arms wide, and did just that, squealing at her very loudest that she would be their ruler very soon, and wouldn't that be fun, and so completely missing the squirrel's own gesture in return.
But it didn't matter, as to Mary-Sue's delight, Cair Paravel finally rose into view, and the carriage left the trees behind...
O o O o O
"Edmund!" Susan called from her position as lookout. "She's clear of the trees!"
"About time!" Came the reply from her younger brother, as he joined her at the turret's edge. The dark-haired boy judged the distance with a cool gaze, then gave a small nod. "Looks like she's clear. You ready, Susan?" Susan simply nodded as a response, and gathered her things.
After the first appearance of Mary-Sues in Narnia, Father Christmas himself had delivered a very special gift. He had explained that, while it might not be considered particularly just, nor very valiant, and it certainly was not going to be gentle, if the younger Pevensies were to keep Peter 'magnificent', then it was a necessary evil. And so it had been that, by prescription of Aslan himself, Susan had been granted some very special arrows to go with her enchanted bow...
O o O o O
In between waving and cooing loudly in the general direction of the castle, and deciding whether or not she wanted Susan and Lucy to be her bridesmaids, Mary-Sue became aware of a kind of low buzzing sound. She seemed to remember hearing something of the sort once before, but couldn't quite place where. So confused was she, that she stopped waving long enough to shield her eyes from the morning sun and look upward, searching for the source of the annoying noise.
After a second, she saw it; a small object was hurtling toward her, from the direction of the castle. For a brief moment, the hope flared within her that it was, in fact, a bird of some variety. But then the memory of what had happened in Middle Earth came flooding back, and with a horrified shriek Mary dove into the confines of her carriage. She would be safe in there, she knew, and just to be sure she slammed the sunroof closed behind her. Who fired that? her tiny mind wondered indignantly. And how come so many people with bows and arrows have accidents like that when I'm around?
O o O o O
For years to come, the story of the ensuing explosion would be told at banquets and around camp-fires alike. Some said that the mushroom cloud of glittering, pink dust could be seen all the way from Archenland (and less scrupulous story-tellers were even heard to say Calormen). Regardless, none were happier to see this latest literary miscreant so forcefully ejected from the realm as were the royal family, and Peter most of all.
The young king regained his senses almost immediately after Mary-Sue's demise, and was only slightly surprised to find that he had a centaur sitting on his legs. After being thoroughly checked, he was released, and before long a very tired Peter was surrounded by (and hugged repeatedly by) his family. They had survived another invasion, and the High King was once again safe.
"Well," Peter said at length. "I'm glad that's over with. Don't they ever learn?"
"I don't think so," Susan said sadly, patting her brother fondly on the shoulder. "I just hope we don't run out of those arrows before next Christmas!" And so it was that the four started for the stairs, and the hope of a good cup of tea...
There you are. Criticise away, I won't blame you in the slightest...