Title: There's Something Wrong With Her
Author: Sapphire Smoke
Rating: M
Pairing: Hardison/Parker/Eliot
Length: 5103 words
Sequel/Series: Sequel to Just Call Tech Support, which is a sequel to It's Called Truth or Dare
Summary: Hardison and Eliot think there might be something else wrong with Parker.

"I'm telling you, man. There's something wrong with her."

Eliot rolls his eyes a bit and pours the pancake batter onto the griddle, ignoring his boyfriend's very late observation about their girlfriend, Parker. The batter pooled into perfect even circles and as they started to cook Eliot pushes the hair back out of his face before turning to Hardison with a bit of patient sigh.

"You're about a year too late on that statement," he tells him before moving across the kitchen to get a spatula out of the drawer. It was way too damn early to try to play 'let's figure out Parker.'

"No, I mean seriously. Like I think she has some sort of mental issue," Hardison tells him, looking at him like he wants Eliot to show some kind of concern over it.

But it's too early for concern. Too early for anything besides pancakes.

"Are you trying to let me in on some new information? Because I've known all this already," Eliot says as he grabs the spatula and proceeds back over to the griddle. He had about twenty more seconds till he had to flip them though – he had this down to a freaking art form.

"Eliot, I'm being serious."

"I know you are," Eliot says before flipping the pancake in the air, having it land perfectly. Hardison doesn't even blink, making Eliot scowl. Jeez, try to impress a guy. Obviously that's a waste of time.

"I mean she wants to have sex all the time," Hardison stresses. "Even when we do her separately we don't get enough sleep."

Eliot laughs a bit, turning back around. "You're complaining because she's always horny? Are you kidding me?"

"I'm not complaining, just expressing concern," Hardison defends, crossing his arms over his chest.

"You're cuter when you don't," Eliot tells him with a smirk, which meant it was Hardison's turn to scowl.

"Well you're cuter when you do," Hardison shoots back. Eliot rolls his eyes a bit and turns back to his pancakes, which were done now. He starts putting them on a plate.

"That was a great comeback, Alec. Really, bravo," he snickers. Then he turns and hands him the plate. "Here, do me a favor and stuff your face, will ya?"

Hardison points his finger at him warningly, but takes the plate anyway. "I know where you sleep," he threatens, but it just makes Eliot laugh again.

"Yeah, next to you and Parker."

Hardison scoffs and doesn't say anything back, just sits down at the dining room table. "Gimme the syrup."

Eliot blinks at him and showed mock offence. "No please?" He smirks and grabs the syrup, holding it. Hardison just holds out his hand expectantly. Eliot's enjoying this little game now though. "No, you want it, say please."

"I'm not saying please, you're being an asshole this morning," Hardison retorts as he narrows his eyes.

"I'm always an asshole, Hardison. Now say please." He shoots him a sarcastic smile. Then he raises his eyebrows in challenge, which makes Hardison get up.

"I'm gonna get it, but I ain't saying please," Hardison tells him, and Eliot can start to see a bit of a smirk tug at his lips as well.

"You think you can take this away from me?" Eliot taunts, but then suddenly his hand is empty, and Parker is walking by with it in her hand.

"Thanks. Pancakes?" she requests, sitting next to Hardison at the table and looking at Eliot like they were supposed to just magically appear out of thin air. Eliot sighs; he couldn't believe that just happened.

"Ha! Pwned, man," Hardison says in victory as Parker hands him the syrup.

"Okay, you," Eliot says in annoyance, looking at Parker first. "It'll be a minute. And you," he goes on, looking at Hardison and saying the word mockingly. "Pwned is not a word."

"So is," Hardison replies as he happily pours syrup on his pancakes, barely registering Eliot anymore. Eliot sighs and throws the container with fresh strawberries on the table in front of him.

"Just shut up and eat," he says, needing to have the last word.

"Pancakes," Parker repeats, staring at him.

"Alright, alright. Keep your panties on," he tells her as he turns back around and pours more batter onto the griddle.

"I'm naked, I'm not wearing any," Parker says, confused. Eliot rolls his eyes and stops himself from trying to explain that it's just an expression. Parker is naked though, she always is now days. Unless they leave the house, Parker rarely ever put on clothes because like Hardison said, she always did want sex.

Maybe there is something wrong with that, but Eliot wasn't about to complain. Not just yet anyway.

"These are freaking phenomenal, man," Hardison says as he stuffs his mouth full of food. Eliot can feel himself smiling now. See, that's all he wanted: some damn recognition. He didn't make them his secret pancake recipe for nothing. He grabs a glass container and turns and puts it in front of him.

"Try it with powered sugar, it gets better," he tells him. Hardison takes it, grinning, and starts shaking some on there.

Parker however, looks annoyed. "I'm hungry, Eliot," she complains.

"God, this is like an orgasm in my mouth," Hardison says as he takes a bite.

"Parker, I can't cook them any faster," Eliot tells her, and flips the pancakes. He'd almost curse the girl and her appetite, but secretly he loves that she loves to eat so much.

"Hey!" Eliot hears Hardison protest, and turns around. Parker had stolen his fork… and his food. "Those were mine!"

"I'm hungry," she repeats, "And I want some orgasms in my mouth." Then she's stuffing some pancakes in her mouth. Hardison narrows his eyes, annoyed.

"You're so lucky you're pretty," he tells her, then he looks at Eliot again. Eliot sighs.

"Alright, alright." He turns to the griddle and uses the spatula to get them off and on the plate and then hands it to Hardison. He pours more on to it, hoping that he'll have a chance to actually feed himself too.

"Hey Parker," Hardison starts, and Eliot inwardly groans. He knows what he's about say. "Is there like… is there something you're not telling us?"

"Like what?" she asks, and Eliot pretends that he's not in this conversation. Because he's so not. All he cares about are his pancakes. It's the morning, it all one should care about in the morning. "About Sophie?" she finishes.

That makes Eliot turn around, and Hardison stop eating.

"What about Sophie?" Eliot asks, interested now.

She blinks, looking between the two men. "Oh, I though that was what you were talking about."

"It's what we're talking about now," Eliot says, and turns so he can flip his own pancakes quickly before turning back around to face her.

"Am I in trouble?" she asks.

"Should you be?" Hardison presses, peering at her. Eliot can sense the jealously. This can't go well.

"Um…" she starts, then looks back down to stuff more pancakes in her mouth. She made a motion like she can't talk cause she's eating.

"Pancakes won't make the conversation go away, Parker," Hardison tells her. Eliot's inclined to agree, though for different reasons. His eyes flicker back to the griddle, they were almost done.

Parker swallows and looks guilty. "We all weren't dating then," she justifies.

Eliot's mouth drops open. "Did you have sex with Sophie?" he asks, shocked. Fuck the pancakes now.

No, wait, he was still hungry. Scratch that.

He turns and quickly gets them off the griddle before putting them on his plate and sitting down between the two of them. He looks at Parker expectantly.

Parker shrugs, her eyes shifting slightly. "Maybe."

"Parker!" Hardison cries. "When?"

"After that first night… I had to! I mean I told her I'd show her that it I really liked her and that it wasn't just to get you guys to kiss," she says. She looked down at her food and says, "Because I do like her. She's Sophie."

Eliot blinked and poured the syrup onto his food. Well, so that was what she said to her when she whispered in her ear that day.

Hardison seemed to be thinking along the same lines, "That's what you told her to get her to kiss you?"

"Well, it was a little more than that… and much sexier of course," Parker says. She looks up at her boyfriends then. "Am I in trouble?"

Eliot says "No" the same time Hardison says "Yes." They both look at each other, than back at Parker.

"I'm confused," Parker says, looking between the two of them.

"I couldn't care, wish you taped it though… damn," Eliot replies, sad at the thought of another lost lesbian moment.

"You actually like her? Like, like her the way you like us?" Hardison asks, looking hurt.

"I don't know, a bit less I guess," Parker says. Then her face crinkles up a bit in worry. "Don't tell Nate, I think he'd want to chop me up into itty bitty pieces."

"Got that right," Eliot responds with a nod. Then he looks at Hardison. "Come on man, give the girl a break. It was before us."

"Actually it was after us," Hardison says pointedly. "The same night, in fact."

"But she wasn't our girlfriend then, so chill," Eliot tells him. He sees Hardison take a breath, considering it. Then he shrugs.

"Fine, it's alright. Just… a shock I guess."

"Sorry," Parker says and pouts a bit. Eliot ruffles her hair because she's being cute, making her giggle a bit.

"Just eat your food, darlin'."

"Okay," she says with a smile and starts to chow down again, leaving them all to eat the rest of their breakfast in silence.

As if on cue, after they're finished Eliot's phone starts to ring. He looks at it: Nate. He grumbles and picks it up with, "Man, it's a Saturday."

"And yet the phones miraculously still work," Nate responds on the other line dryly. "Call Parker and Hardison, Sophie needs us all at the office in an hour."

"Why?" Eliot asks, annoyed.

"I don't know, she just said she did. So do it," Nate says before hanging up. Eliot growls and hangs up the phone, looking at the two people who were staring at him.

"Consider yourself called, Nate wants us at the office," he tells them. Hardison rolls his eyes.

"But it's the weekend!"

"Tell that to him," Eliot says, unhappy. He was looking forward to kicking back on the couch and just chilling out for a day.

Parker was silent though, and shifted a bit in her seat uncomfortable. Eliot blinks, "What's wrong with you?"


She moves a bit in the seat and Eliot can see it's starting to get wet. "Again?" he asks, like it's impossible. They just fucked her before breakfast.

"See, what did I tell ya, man?" Hardison says pointedly.

"What?" Parker asks, not understanding. She shifts again and bites her bottom lip.

"Nothing," Eliot says quickly, shooting a look at Hardison. They don't need to be telling her that they think something might actually be really wrong with her. "Take care of that, will you? I'll get all our stuff ready," he says to Hardison.

He was still half asleep; he doubted he could get it up right now anyway. Plus, he was annoyed about Nate needing them at the office this damn early on a freaking Saturday.

He goes into the bedroom and starts gathering up their clothes – all of them having left spares since they unofficially moved in. They didn't actually live there yet, but they seemed to be over there practically all the time. As he lays out clothes for each of them and starts to get dressed, he could hear Parker gasping hard and a slight repetitive bang up against the kitchen wall.

Eliot smirks, that's where he fucked Parker the night they all became… whatever they are now. It was kind of weird for him, he had to admit. He's had many relationships in his life, but never one like this.

"Oh god! Harder, Alec!"

Eliot's curiosity got the better of him and after he had dressed himself he wandered into the threshold of the kitchen door, watching them as he leaned against the doorway. Hardison had Parker pressed up against the wall, dick out of his boxer shorts as she had one leg wrapped around his waist and the other thrown over his shoulder.

Only Parker could bend that way.

Parker was making the sexiest face as Hardison slid in and out of her, grasping at his back and panting hard. Eliot feels himself start to grow hard from the sight of it, and curses himself. He knew he shouldn't have come in there. Of course this was going to happen.

Unzipping his pants he pulls out his cock and starts stroking it, watching his boyfriend and girlfriend go at it in his kitchen. The fact that it was his kitchen kind of made it even hotter for Eliot, even though he would never admit it. Food and sex were just meant to go together after all. It was like a law.

Parker opened her eyes and saw Eliot standing in the threshold, pleasuring himself at the sight of them and her nails dig into Hardison's back a little hard. "Oh fuck!" she screams. Then her eyes fly shut and she cums, making Hardison grunt hard as he releases as well.

Eliot's still hard at work on fulfilling his own needs, and is panting as Parker slides off of Hardison and leans back against the wall, out of breath and staring at him. Hardison turns around to see what she's looking at and then smirks before coming over to him and sliding down on his knees in front of him.

Eliot's hand leaves himself as Hardison's mouth wraps around him, and he closes his eyes and puts his hand on his head as the man's lips work magic. "Fuck, Hardison," he gasps out as the boy's tongue teases him. "Yes…"

Parker's crawling over to him now, and then suddenly her tongue is on him as well, sliding up and down his shaft while Hardison works on the tip. He looks down to see the both of them on him and he can't hold it anymore – he cums hard, right into Hardison's mouth.


Hardison doesn't complain though, and when Eliot looks down at him in question once he gets his bearings, Hardison just shrugs, knowing.

"We don't have time to clean up," he tells him with a smirk.

"That was fucking hot," Eliot says seriously, loving the fact that Hardison seriously just swallowed his load like it wasn't a big deal.

"I want to have more sex," Parker gasps out, looking at both boys.

They exchange knowing looks. "We have to go see Nate first. After, we promise," Eliot tells her. She nods, but looks pained by the idea.

The next day was when Hardison finally shared what he thought might be wrong with their girlfriend. Parker was in the shower, no doubt masturbating like she always does in there, when Hardison dropped an open book in front of Eliot.

Eliot looks up at him, "What's this?"

"Read this," Hardison says and points to a page. Eliot looks down at him, then laughs slightly as he reads the words on the page.

"Nymphomania and Sex Addictions," Eliot reads out loud, then he looks at Hardison. "You're joking, right? That's not a real problem, therefore she can't have it."

"Have any other explanation?" Hardison asks him seriously. He points at the page again. "Read it."

Eliot rolls his eyes and reads the passage. After a minute he looks up and says, "Hardison, it even says it's not medically recognized as a disorder."

"But it still says that it's defined by someone who puts their sexual needs in front of everything. Sound familiar?"

Eliot thinks back to yesterday when he had to fuck her in her office just to satisfy her. But then he shakes his head, "But she wasn't like this before us, we would have noticed."

"Parker was always slipping out, or always in her office for a long time. How do we really know she wasn't going to get some from some random bastard or masturbating at her desk? We don't," he finishes, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

"You're insane," Eliot tells him. "I worry about you."

"Baby, don't be a dick and be serious for a second, will ya?"

Eliot blinks, "Did you just call me baby?" He stares up the other man. Hardison looked embarrassed that it just slipped out.

"That's not the point, don't change the subject." He points at the words on the page, "Even says some women that have it have enlarged clitorises."

"So Parker's got a big clit, so what? She's a sex addict now?"

"I'm just thinking outside the box here," Hardison defends himself.

"I think I need to hit you upside the head with the damn box," Eliot says, rolling his eyes. Hardison scowls.

"She has an impulse control problem," Hardison says pointedly.


Hardison motions to a passage that reads "Compulsive sexual behavior is generally considered an impulse control problem." Eliot rolls his eyes. "Okay, well I can agree there."

Hardison finally sits down next to him as they hear the shower turn off. "We have sex with her at least four times a day and she still masturbates," Hardison says in a hushed voice, now that the shower was off and she could possibly hear them. "That's not normal and you know it. I don't know about you, but at some point I'd actually like to get a full nights sleep."

Eliot's eyes flicker over to the bathroom door and he sighs. He knows deep down that Hardison might actually be right. "Well then what do we do about it?"

"All it suggests is therapy," Hardison says in a frustrated whisper. Another eye roll from Eliot. Right, therapy. Let's just casually tell Parker that they think she wants sex too much and she should talk to someone about it. Right.

"We'll just take her in shifts or something," Eliot says quietly, trying to be helpful.

"She gets off on all three of us. Plus, if we spend all our time fucking her, either together or separately, that leaves no room for us to…" he trails off, and Eliot looks at him.

"You want to have sex with just me some time?" he asks him. They had never done that, Parker had always been around. They had both had sex with her without the other man around, but never was it just them.

Hardison looks a bit embarrassed, "Well you are my boyfriend too, Eliot."

Eliot finds himself smiling a bit, despite always trying to pull off looking like an asshole. Then Parker enters the room – naked again as always – towel in her hair. She smiles at them before running over and practically jumping on both of them on the couch.

"Ow, Parker, that was my rib," Eliot complains as he knee hits it. She apologizes but squishes in between the two men as she takes the towel out of her hair and shakes her head, making both boys get sprinkled with water drops.

"What are you reading?" She asks, peering at the book. Hardison's eyes go wide and tries to close the book… but it's too late.

"Nymphomania," she reads, then Eliot watches her get this dejected look on her face. She looks down at the floor at her feet. "You guys think I have a problem too," she realizes suddenly, sadly.

"No, Parker it's not…" Hardison starts, but stops and looks at Eliot helpless.

Eliot wraps his arms around the girl and asks, "Who else thinks you have that?" Cause apparently this wasn't the first time she's been told this.

"Everyone," Parker says, still looking at her feet. She looks upset, almost like she's about to cry.

"Hey," Eliot says to her, holding her a bit tighter. "It's not like we think it's completely bad or anything."

"Of course its bad," she mumbles. "I have two boyfriends now and I still can't get enough. I thought it'd be different with two of you. I'd be more normal."

"You are normal, Parker," Hardison tells her, putting a hand on her leg. "Wanting sex all the time doesn't make you weird or anything, just… insatiable I guess."

Parker looks up at Hardison and gives him a small smile, "Thanks for lying to me." She's sincere too, not mad at him at all. Eliot was kind of frustrated at him for a bit after saying that – because hell, Parker isn't normal in any sense of the word and she knows it. No use lying about it.

"Have you ever seen anyone about this?" Eliot asks. It's already a known issue, so no hurt in asking.

Parker shakes her head, "That's weird. I don't want to talk to a stranger about my sex."

Eliot had to give her that one; that would be a bit weird.

"It might help," Hardison says.

She makes this funny face and asks Hardison, "Do you want me to go to a therapist?" Then she turns to Eliot, "Do you?"

Both boys look at each other for a moment, and then say in unison, "Kind of."

And then something happened that neither of them saw coming – Parker got mad.

She stood up heavily and glared at both of them. "There's nothing wrong with me!" she shouts at them, upset written all over her face. "And if you don't like me the way that I am then fuck you!"

"Parker!" Eliot says, shocked. Hardison's mouth is open too – they both can't believe she just said 'fuck you' to them. They've never seen her mad and she rarely swears as it is unless it's during sex.

"No, I mean it," Parker says and storms off into Eliot's bedroom. Hardison gets up to go after her but she turns and says, "Leave me alone!" Before slamming the door.

"What… the fuck?" Eliot asks, staring at his bedroom door.

"How did that turn from her agreeing with us to her being mad at us?" Hardison asks, shocked as he slowly sits back down.

"I don't know, man. I don't get women just as much as you don't." Eliot paused, then revised. "Okay, maybe you don't get them a little bit more."

Hardison didn't even comment to Eliot's slipped in insult, just kept staring at the door. "Shouldn't we…?" he asks, motioning to the door.

"Yeah, come on," Eliot says and gets up. When they both got to the door they looked at each other for a moment before Eliot's hand closes around the doorknob and they open the door.

"I said leave me alone," Parker mumbles into the sheet she was holding. She had it bunched up in front of her and looked like she had been using it as a tissue. She refused to look at either of them though, so they couldn't be sure if she had been crying or not.

"Parker, we're really sorry," Hardison tells her as they come into the room, closing the door behind them.

"Yeah, we didn't mean to piss you off," Eliot adds as they both cross the room and sit on either side of her on the bed. Eliot can see the tears now, and he gives Hardison a look to let him know. Hardison looks pained and brushes some of Parker's hair away from her face, but she shrugs him off.

"I'm fine," she mumbles. "There's nothing wrong with me."

"We didn't say there was," Eliot says. Parker looks up at him accusingly.

"You say there is all the time."

Eliot feels like he's just been punched in the gut. He didn't think that actually hurt her feelings; he did it in jest now more than anything. Parker never got angry about it, never seemed upset over it… until now.

"I'm sorry," is all he can say. "I didn't know that hurt you this much."

"Everyone just always thinks something's wrong with me, like I have to be fixed," she says. "Like I'm broken or something. And I'm not! I'm just… I'm just different."

Hardison wrapped his arms around Parker, and she didn't shrug him off this time. She sniffled a bit, sad. "We don't think you're broken," Hardison tells her. "We just thought it might be a bit easier for you if you got some help for it. I mean, it's got to be frustrating, right?"

Parker shifted her eyes and shrugged a bit. "Yeah… I guess," she admitted softly. "I wish I could just be satisfied sometimes. Sleep would be nice too. I don't get much of that."

Eliot took her hand in hers and looked her in the eyes. "Parker, we don't want you to do anything you don't want to do. But we just said that because we care about you, okay?"

Parker nods, chewing on her bottom lip slightly. "I know," she says finally. "Sorry I swore at you guys."

"It's cool," Eliot says with a shrug. "Hardison swears at me all the time so I'm used to it."

"I do not," Hardison protests.

"Yeah you kinda do." Eliot's just messing with him, but it's fun.

"That's only cause you're an asshole all the time," Hardison says, but has a bit of a smirk to let him know he's joking.

"He likes your asshole though, so it's okay," Parker inputs, which makes Eliot laugh. He kisses Parker on the cheek, but then she turns her head and their lips meet in a lingering kiss. When they break and turns to Hardison and kisses him softly too.

"I think I love you guys," she admits quietly. Eliot and Hardison just stare at her, wondering if she's being serious or just throwing the word love around because she's Parker and might not know any better.

"Maybe not in love, just yet," she revises, seeing their faces. "But you know…"

Eliot feels himself smile; he's been doing that a lot lately hasn't he? Weird.

Hardison looks over at him with a smile of his own, and it's like they can read each other's minds. They look back at Parker and then both of their lips are on her neck, on either side of her. "We think we love you too," Hardison whispers in her ear.

Parker closes her eyes, her arms wrapping around both men as Eliot adds, "Can't argue there."

Parker's smiling now, and Eliot's lips find hers and they kiss. She wraps both of her arms around Eliot's neck as he coaxes her to lay down, feeling Hardison move a bit behind him. He can feel the shuffling of clothes and knows its Hardison taking off his own, since Parker's already naked. Then hands on his waistband and he's helping Eliot out of his as he kisses Parker softly.

Most of their sex is always rushed, passionate, rough… but this was different. Parker and Eliot broke for a minute for Eliot to pull his shirt up over his head, and then Hardison's lips were on Parker's, and Eliot slides down the bed to rest between Parker's legs.

She was already wet like always… but that was their girl.

His mouth wraps around Parker's clit, and she squirms as he hears her moan hard against Hardison's lips. He teases her gently, knowing exactly where to apply pressure and where to lay off for a bit, and her gasps fill his ears more openly now as Hardison's mouth leaves hers.

"Alec… Eliot," Parker gasps out, and Eliot takes his lips away from her clit, knowing she's trying to tell them something. He looks at her and she says, "I want to feel both of you inside me at the same time."

Eliot's eyes widen, that's so incredibly hot he doesn't even know how to express it in words, so he doesn't. He looks at Hardison and he's got this shit-eating grin on his face. He lays on his back and Parker climbs on top of him, sliding herself around him as she gasps in pleasure. Then she leans forward a bit, and neither of them move, waiting for Eliot.

Eliot climbs to his knees and places them on either side of their legs. Grabbing the lube that was just now always in the bed, he gets himself ready before grabbing Parker's ass, spreading her for him. She moans from the feeling of being completely exposed, looking back at him as he head is on Hardison's chest. And then he slides into her, and all three of them gasp at the feeling.

Eliot can feel Parker tight around him, and yet at the same time can feel Hardison inside her as well, the skin separating the two entrances much thinner than he originally thought. They both start to slide in and out of her slowly, and Eliot swears he can feel every single detail of Hardison inside Parker.

"Oh my god, oh my fucking god," she moans out, her hands grasping at Hardison's arms. "Mmm this feels so good..."

Eliot has to agree with that.

They both start fucking her a bit harder now, all three of them tangled up into each other but the feeling so damn good that nothing else mattered. Parker's moaning hard, panting with her ragged breathes and cries of pleasure. As if in sync, both boys start to take turns. Eliot stops for a minute as Hardison continues, and can feel her clench and him move against her, pleasuring him as well even though he wasn't moving. Then he does it, then both of them are sliding in and out of her more rapidly as Parker contracts harder, getting closer.

"Please don't stop!" she cries, gasping hard and arching her ass up to get Eliot deeper into her as Hardison continues to penetrate her. "Please!"

Eliot sure wasn't planning on it, and he'd bet Hardison wasn't either.

A few more moments and it's like a ripple effect. Parker cums, clenching both her holes hard around both men, which makes each of them release in turn. They all collapse against each other, Eliot rolling slightly to the left side of the bed so Parker can get between them.

They all don't speak for a moment, just breathe heavily and try to remember where they are.

"Yup," Parker says finally, out of breath. "I love you guys. I really, really do."