This story was put into my head after reading Scars by X. The Marauders .X
WARNINGS: * GRAPHIC SELF HARM/SUICIDAL THEMES * DRUG USE * VIOLENCE *
Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight, and I think she'd probably cry if she read what I have planned for them... The poem stanza's throughout the story are mine, unless I specify otherwise.
No one would care if I died
and pretty soon my memory would be lost,
and all that's left to prove I ever existed
would be a weathering plaque
at some unknown cemetery.
Things happen in patterns. We get hurt, we binge on drugs, alcohol, food, etc. We get up every day trying to get over it. We find something new. We are happy briefly. We get hurt again.
Over the years I have given myself fully to things and people that I shouldn't have. Each of these has torn a piece out of my heart until now I don't have enough left. A broken heart is a strange thing. It beats the same, is completely intact, etc. and yet it is never the same as it once was. I gave the last of my heart to a woman who is now, and forever will be, out of my reach.
I pushed everyone away.
I just don't want to hurt anymore. My only regret is I ever met anyone who will be hurt by this action. That Esme will weep for my loss.
It's not her fault though.
It's no ones fault.
"I am naked
I have nothing left
My bones are picked clean
And riddled with regrets
Nothing can touch me
I've nothing left to take
For I am naked
But I can never break" – (Assemblage 23 – Naked)
Please make sure that Alice knows this wasn't her fault. Tell her I love her and always will. Tell her I'm sorry for everything. I'll always be hers even if she'll never be mine. Tell her I'm so proud of the women she has become in the time I have known her. Tell her I'll always be with her & always watching over her. Alice is the best thing that ever happened to me. I'll always love her. Always.
Why is it that if I am too good for the lovers I choose or the things I do & the places I go that I can not hold onto them? Why can't I be worthy of the love I crave & why do I feel so lonely while I'm surrounded by my friends and family? Why is it that the people around me feel like strangers? Why when everything I did was selfless? Why when I was ready to sacrifice my life for others? Why when I wept & plead? Why didn't my dreams come true? Perhaps Emmett is right; perhaps the deeds of the selfless do go unnoticed if not punished.
Why are things this way?
I don't know what it is that's making me feel so cold. Perhaps the drugs taking effect, perhaps the blood loss is finally enough. All I know is these tears and these breaths are my last. I'm sorry but I feel this will be better for everyone. I just wish there was a different way but even now I don't have the 2/3 of the way down the cliff epiphany. I guess it really is time for me to leave.
I love you.
Perhaps in the next life we can be together. I don't know what I'm in for. If the Catholics are right I am to suffer for my sins. If the Atheists are right then that's it. If the blessed are right I have two lives left to live, hopefully they will be more successful, perhaps we'll be together. Music now is my only comfort. The thing that has shaped my world & always been there for me. If it wasn't going to end I would turn completely to it. For an idea of how I feel here are some lyrics that say it all.
"Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?" (Evanescence – Missing)
"I dont want to start any blasphemous rumours
But I think that gods got a sick sense of humor
And when I die I expect to find him laughing" (Depeche Mode – Blasphemous Rumours)
All I wanted in life was to marry Alice and if at all possible I would have liked to have a child with her too. Unfortunately love is something that I wont feel again. Why does it have to be this way?
I don't want to live anymore.
I'm sorry but that's the way it is.
Esme (Mom), I love you
Alice, I love you
I love everyone & that is probably my vice.
Carlisle (Dad) take care of them...
I'm so sorry.
I love you
The sound of Esme's shriek of horror and pain was the last thing I heard as she lifted my head into her lap and desperately tried to stop the wounds I'd inflicted upon myself from bleeding. After that, everything went blissfully silent and I could escape my demons in the encompassing darkness.
A/N: Poor Jasper... Review?
And enjoy my random bits of poetry from my emo days... I'll put random stanzas at the top of each chapter.