Standard Disclaimer applied. I don`t make money with anything concerning Bleach. (This is ridiculous; it`s not like this fic would be worth a cent^^)

WARNINGS:

1, yaoi. male on male, one way or the other. Zaraki x Kuchiki, 'supposed' Kuchiki B. x Abarai. 'Mild' hints of MadaramexAyasegawa.

2,OOCness may occur.

3,To understand why Yachiru dragged Zaraki exactly into Kuchiki`s mansion, check out Shinigami Golden in Episodes 197-198.

AN: It was supposed to be a oneshot, but when I finished I realized it`s something like 10 pages long. So I think I just separate it into 3 or so chapters. The completed story will be out within this week.

HAVE FUN, FAN GIRLS! (-boys too of course, if some got lost and started reading this)

And of course…dedicated to Veronyx. Or should I say Pyro…? ;-)

Kenpachi`s Nightmare

Chapter 1

"Where`s that BASTARD?!!! "

Zaraki Kenpachi`s voice roared through the mansion's corridors as if he was its legitimate owner.

"I sense him Ken-chan; he must be really near. Tryyy……..hmmmmmm…..THAT WAY!!!!!" Yachiru, practically yelling into Zaraki`s right ear poked the air in a random direction.

"Wait, this house seems familiar. Have we been here before?" Zaraki slowed down his advance to check on the walls closer in detail.

"Anoooooooooo…….have to go now; ya`know - Shinigami Women`s Club`s duties! Koi koi koi meow meeeoooooow!!!"

A whiff of air was the only thing left from Yachiru`s presence.

"The Women`s Club duties…how should I know?" Zaraki mumbled, rummaging about the rooms for any hints to give away Kurosaki`s current whereabouts or – if he was lucky enough, Kurosaki himself.

'Yachiru that brat!!!' he grumbled. "She said that son of a bitch was hiding here somewhere..."

"He HAD been here indeed…" a smooth calm voice stopped Zaraki`s mumbles from turning into full-fledged curses; "…If the name of the one you`ve been searching for is Kurosaki Ichigo."

"Kuchiki! What are you doing here?" Zaraki frowned.

Kuchiki knitted his brows.

"You`ve sensed that bag of human shit too; haven`t ya? Whatever… just remember: when I find him, I`ll fight him. Stay out of my way."

"Stay out of…" Kuchiki Byakuya closed his eyes to process even more aloof version of his previous expression.

"This may have slipped your attention: the house you are 'inspecting' at the moment, as well as the gardens around, are in my possession. Technically, it should be YOU staying out of MY way." He said slowly, stressing particularly each syllable; harboring high hopes that this way, they all would make their way through Zaraki`s ears into the target location of his brain.

"Uh…? So that was why it looked so familiar! That urchin `Chiru…" Zaraki grumbled while looking about, his face adopting a wholly new countenance: "So sissyish..." he snorted.

Actually, the room they've been in was more than Spartan. There was nothing more than a mat where Rukia had been recovering from her last mission`s injuries, and a tray with a couple of flasks and a glass half-full (-or half empty, that depends; choose whatever you see fit) of some limpid liquid, most likely water. By the bye, Rukia was also the reason why Ichigo had appeared in Kuchiki's mansion. But by the time Zaraki Kenpachi got there, they both had already set off to Karakura.

"…'sissyish' because it can provide a roof and a floor - unlike any of your favourite dwellings?" The current head of the Kuchiki family said wryly.

"There`re no better places like outdoors. During a fight, buildings are just obstacles," Zaraki retorted. "No Kurosaki here, I`ve got no business here anymore."

With that, he dashed out of the room to continue his search somewhere else.

"Zaraki…And where exactly do you think you are going NOW?"

"Out of this fucking place; isn't that obvious?" Irritated that he couldn`t find the exit quickly, Kenpachi hit his fist against the nearest wall.

Apparently for no reason, his vision went blank.

Then it restarted again.

Well, about that wall…

The whole Kuchiki mansion had been built in the classical 'Soul-Japanese-Society' architectonic style. That meant simplicity. And thin paper-like walls.

However, the present owner had adapted some walls [especially those around his private rooms – the direction where Zaraki accidentally headed now]; and the wall that got punched by Kenpachi`s fist was exactly one of those. It was thicker; and now it became clearly visible that some technique to make it soundproof was used as well.

"Whatta hell`s this…?" Zaraki`s eyes widened in surprise as he peeped through the hole his fist made.

There were………………

… weapons.

Lots of weapons.

Some he knew how they were to be used; some he hadn't imagined they existed. Some looked pretty difficult to handle. And some…

"Don`t tell me; this is the legendary Silver Axe of Lyylli!" Zaraki yelled out of surprise.

"Evidently." The shinigami noble remarked dryly. The axe was made of silver and the hilt bore the signs of Lyylli`s name so it didn't leave that much options for mistaking it with something else.

"Kuchiki, I didn't know you liked these toys so much!"

"There is no need for you to know."

"You`ve got quite a collection here…" his eyes fell upon the not-so-dangerously looking dagger that had the ability to change the flow of spirit particles around – and in – its victim. Zaraki then spotted a katana of a round shape; and tried to guess how THAT thing's bankai might look like – if it had one at all. As next, he eyed a sophisticated gadget; it looked it needed round steel bullets to work – and hurt – properly.

Then he noticed an armor which resembled a short night gown. It was made of very thin plates of some metal that looked very similar to gold…and could (probably) save life and some (private) parts of a mid-height warrior. It was clearly detectable that it had some magic qualities; but Zaraki didn't care. He started to guffaw like a drunken mariner in sight of women in the port after ten months spent on sea, turned away and walked – this time slowly - out of the room in attempt to find his way out of the house. "K….Ku….K`chiki…… u…I don`believeit," he managed to stutter in between his laughing fits.

"…He tends to wear these…shiny lil` negligees!"

Quicker than a blink of an eye, Byakuya moved before Zaraki to block his way out. "Are you afraid of your own kind? Or does the Soul Society suffer under the lack of potent opponents…that you keep on chasing that human."

"Huh?" the captain of the eleventh division knitted his bushy eyebrows and wiped the amused tears away. "I don`t need to explain myself; that`s none of your business." But his eyes were already glinting with passion; so familiar to all battlers. "…unless you mean it as a challenge."

"Indeed."

"Khe, getting pissed that I know what`s giving you the kick?" Kenpachi`s shoulders bounced up and down again, from laughter again.

"Secrets I don`t want to reveal are never to be found out. Not without my consent." Kuchiki stated like a student reading a piece of information from a textbook. "However…" he made a little pause to scrutinize Kenpachi from tip to toe.

"Not bad… maybe…" he mumbled. Then he continued, but this time with clear and firm voice. "I`ve been testing a new - let`s call it technique - lately. Though as much as he tries, my second in command hasn`t been able to provide a satisfactory illustration of all the possible applications it offers. Up to now, he ended up on his back poorly every single time. No, that`s incorrect…" Byakuya added, muttering as if to himself. "Two hundred forty three times it was his belly; and eighty seven times I had him do…….." he cleared his throat, "…ahem…never mind." He finished somewhat abruptly.

"I buy you that; Abarai`s been looking pretty jaded lately. So why not leave him alone and find somebody else to debug your technique? But wait;" Zaraki looked like he suddenly grasped something very blatant, "…if Abarai wasn`t of any help at all…must be some new extra-class combat method, ne…?"

The huge captain suddenly flinched. "So that`s what you`re getting at? Why don`t you say it directly? This is your way of asking me a favor, ain`t it?!"

Zaraki grinned.

It was rumored that Kuchiki played hard, that he always played to win.

It had only one little hitch: Kuchiki, as much as Zaraki knew about him, never played. No matter if it was a showdown or a training session; the sixth division leader was too serious a personality to fit in a gamer`s frame.

And he, facing this type of an opponent, was listening to him talking about a completely new technique –a technique which would be without any doubt exquisitely mortal…Kenpachi`s grin grew into a football stadium size. It was good; at least he wouldn`t be so damn bored until that orange-haired bastard showed up again.

"I`ve got nothing better to do anyway; that chicken-shit fled back to his dimension or who cares to what other shitty place anyway. But I do have one condition that must be met before we start."

The noble snorted. "You are not in position to raise conditions."

"Take it or leave it." Zaraki showed his fangs; "it is me who`s doing a favor for you."

Byakuya raised his brow in curiosity.

"I`ll be your opponent and render your new assault useless so you can analyze its flaws. But only if you…" he sniggered, "…wear this glossy thingy;" one of Zaraki`s stout index-fingers pointed at the magic battle armor.

"Why should I? it`s not like I`m--" Kuchiki-captain`s voice trailed off. Still, it took only several moments and his lips twisted in an insidious smile. One fluid gracious movement later, his haori topcoat rustled against the floor. And Kuchiki didn't stop with the topcoat. He didn't, even after catching Zaraki`s supercilious expression.

When he took all of his clothes off and naked, as he was on the day when he came out of his mother`s womb walked to the battle dress; his colleague-captain`s expression didn't bear that much scorn anymore: "Are you stupid…? You cannot wear this type of armor on bare skin!"

"I cannot?" The shinigami captain asked with mock innocence. He put the gown on; slowly, taking his time as if to think about each step of getting this piece of soldiers` equipment on himself.

At last, he wore it on his bare skin; and he didn't even bother to dress anything else.

End of Chapter 1

AN: the second part coming soon (out by 29th May at latest). So.......? You know what you have to do, right?^^