Don't worry! I still love Twilight. I am just picking fun at it IN LOVE. I actually think it is funny to make fun of things I like.

Number of Pages in the Book: 498
The First Hint of a Plot that Is Not Bella and Edward's Romance: page 328
When the Plot Actually Arrives: page 372

Boys that Totally Love Bella (Including Edward Cullen): 5

Approximate Amount of Time Bella and Edward are Romantically Involved Before Bella Is Begging Edward to Turn Her into a Vampire so They Can Be Together Forever: Like, two weeks. Maybe three. The timeline's a bit fuzzy.

References to Edward's Beauty: 165

Broken Down into the following categories -

Face: 24 (Favorite adjectives: glorious, heavenly, seraphic)

Voice: 20 (The voice of an archangel, donchaknow.)

Eyes: 17

Movement: 11

Smile: 10

Teeth: 8

Muscles: 7

Skin: 7 (Note: This only contains accounts of Edward's skin being beautiful. I didn't count references to it as "pale," "cold," or "white." If I had, this number would be about ten times larger.)

Iron Strength or Limbs: 5

Breath: 4 (EVEN HIS BREATH IS AMAZING.)

Scent: 4

Laughter: 3

Handwriting: 2

Chest: 2

Driving Skills: 1

The Number of Times...

Bella Is Clumsy or Makes a Reference to Her Clumsiness: 26

Bella Sneers at Forks or Its Inhabitants: 22

Bella is "Dazzled" or Rendered Speechless by Edward's Beauty or Touch: 17

Edward Tells Bella to Stay Away from Him While Completely Contradicting Himself with His Behavior: 16

Bella is Utterly Desolate at Edward's Absence: 12

Edward and Bella Kiss: 8

Bella's Hormones Get the Better of Her and She Attacks Edward, Almost Causing Him to Eat Her: 2 (She's not even allowed to kiss him back! Where's the fun in that?)

Edward's Kiss Makes Bella Faint: 1

Edward's Kiss Makes Bella's Heart Literally Stop: 1

Bella Thinks She Isn't Good Enough for Edward: 6

Edward Is Referred to As Godlike: 5 (Note: This number might be off, as I didn't start counting until three or four mentions in.)

Edward Tells Bella She's Unnatural: 5

Edward Sparkles: 3

Bella is in Mortal Danger: 3

Edward Saves Bella from Mortal Danger: 3

Edward Stalks Bella, For Real: 2 (Note: One of these instances involves watching her sleep every night for, like, months.)

Bella says "Holy Crow!": 2

Bella and Edward Argue About Who Loves the Other Most: 1

Edward's Inability to Read Bella's Mind is Explained: 0

I would have kept track of how many times Edward's mood shifts unexpectedly and for no reason, but I didn't have that much paper. I am sad, though, that I didn't keep track of how many times words like "granite," "stone," and "marble" are used in reference to Edward. His arms, his lips. Explain to me how kissing cold, marble lips is at all appealing. And yet it makes Bella faint. I give up.