Disclaimer and Author's Note: This is just a little funfiction about a game I used to play a bit too much. The story is my own, but the setting of Liberty City and all other things Grand Theft Auto III, with the exception of a character name I made up ("Harvey"), are all the intellectual property of Rockstar Games. For maximum effect, read this in a Jack Handey kind of monotone.

"If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them." —Jack Handey

I Wish I had a Dime for Every Time…

I was walking down the street in Liberty City, just minding my own business, when all of a sudden this fool in a leather jacket comes up to me and just starts whaling on me with a baseball bat. Of course, as I go down, I'm thinking, "Now this jerk will stop." But you know what? He just keeps on whapping and whapping until all of my money just magically comes out of my pockets and floats around my head. At least, I think that's what happened. But then again, the paramedics say I might have hallucinated a little when I blacked out, too.

Then this other time, I am waiting by the corner to catch a cab and all of a sudden, I see one coming. So I get out there and wave, and here comes the taxi, but something is wrong. It just keeps coming and coming until it drives right up over the curb and on top of me. And get this, the driver happens to be the same guy as before who beat me up. Except, now he wants to drive me somewheres so he can earn some honest money. Like a fool I get up, dust myself off, and get in the car.

Well, it doesn't take long before I realize that was a mistake. This guy is completely out of control, running down pedestrians, driving on the sidewalk, and basically leaving a wreckage of light poles and erupting fire hydrants in our wake. He runs head-on into a fish delivery van, before finally getting going in the right direction. Then, just about the time I'm starting to think, "Whew, he's finally getting the hang of this driving stuff," he goes and t-bones a police cruiser.

Instead of letting me out like I'm begging him to do, he just floors it. And, Man, you should have seen those cops spin into pursuit. Personally, I actually didn't see them, because at the moment I happened to be puking all over the floor in the back seat.

When the guy finally gets me to my destination, I push my flopping door off its hinges and flee in terror, waving my hands over my head—just like people do when they want to express panic. But do you know what happens next? You guessed it. I hear the intensity of the taxi's idling motor suddenly rise about 30 decibels behind me. Here comes the guy again—drives after me and runs me down! Then he gets out and collects my floating money, gets back in, and drives off without even so much as a 'Have a nice day.'

I don't know how I survived, but somehow the paramedics revived me.

Sometime after my recovery I decided to go out walking, and I happened to hear some explosions nearby. So I look up and here's some guy up there on the elevated tracks, throwing hand grenades. You heard me. He's just tossing live grenades. Boom! There goes a delivery truck. Boom! There goes a Diablo Stallion. I got a funny feeling about it, so I started squinting up at the guy to be sure. And guess what. It's that same guy that ran me over and robbed me twice. Can you believe it?

Well, about that time I hear sirens, so I turn around and here comes a police car swerving toward me. Splat! I'm just lying there on the street, feeling more surprised than I really deserve to by this time. I wish I could say that is the end of the story, but it isn't. The guy on the tracks? Well, he throws another grenade and blows us all to smithereens. I wake up to the friendly faces of the paramedics again. Those guys are really unbelievable, the way they just revive you like that.

I suppose you probably figured out by now that I don't own my own car. I walk so many places. Well, that's another little conversation piece. You know, I used to have a car…