Keep Me Lovely


T [for adult themes]




Cassie Ainsworth




She was a disgusting mess a second ago, but now she is lovely.


I don't own anything related to Skins.

ALSO, there are some VERY serious adult themes in here. And by NO means do I believe that bulemia is the thing to do so you can be beautiful. But, it's something that happens to girls and women all over the world. And its a very serious matter. And in no way I am mocking it.


She wanted to be lovely. She always wanted that, for Sid, for herself. And now it seemed, it had become a habit to want to constantly be "fit". It really wasn't something she should have done to herself, no normal person would take such a toll on their body just so they could be "properly lush". But, Cassie Ainsworth never really was what some might call normal.

So, she sat grasping hard onto the sides of the white marble sink, till her knuckles began to drain themselves of any color. She was living a lie, and it was a shame really. OR to be more exact, she had become a shameful mess. She'd always tell Sid that she'd never do anything to put her life on the line anymore. And in a way, she told herself, she was keeping that promise, what she was doing wasn't killing herself. Or at least, she didn't think so. Of course, she wasn't a proper doctor, by any means. But, this wouldn't stop her, everything had fallen into place, and yet her habit continued on.

"You allright Cass?" Sid would ask at dinner time, from across the dining room table, with a look of concern.

"Oh, wow. Sid." It was a twisted moment in time, because Cassie had found herself fighting back a giggle at the way her boyfriend looked with those thick rimmed glasses, and a loose fitting black beanie. He was serious, and she should have been too. But it never seemed like she was capable to be serious when she should have been.

He gave her a doubting expression. And, she had to pat herself on the back, really, because she gave a beautifully convincing, wide toothed grin. And even better yet, she matched it with a tilt of her head, so her blonde curls bounce neatly, and landed over her shoulders. "I'm just lovely. Don't you think Sid?"

She loved Sid. Really, she did. But, it seemed, almost that her constant need to look "lovely" seemed to competing for her attention now. She loved the boy, that little oblivious nerd, she had properly fallen for. She had given up everything for him, ever since the beginning. She waited ever so patiently for him, and slowly he had come around. He had become hers. Just as her love for Sid was, so was her fascination with looking lush began. It all started when she hadn't eaten for a short time period, being that of a few days which turned to weeks [or so it seemed]. And, in a way, her fascination never really ended. Perhaps, her need to look beautiful would end the same way her wanting for Sid had. She came out of the battle with Sid on her arm, and maybe, this time, she could win over beauty as well. That idea alone made Cassie right giddy. But she shouldn't put a blame on anyone, but if she had to point a pretty pink fingernail at who started her on this path it would be her proper boy toy, Sid, himself. The beanie wearing boy had made her have an unhealthy drive to make herself sooo very attractive, just to catch his attention, for at least a second. And though, she had recieved that attention, she never recieved that lush look she so strived for. Not yet at least.

"Cass...?" His voice would come through the wooden door, to fill her ears. And Cassie found herself a spare moment to pause in the action she was about to preform to reply in return.

"Oh Sid, go away." It wasn't a demand, really, because Cassie knew she could never really demand for him to go away. Not after it had taken so long for him stay.

"Wh-Why?" came the hesitant response, which only made a heavy sigh slip from between her parted red lips. The boy would never understand.

"Wow, Sid. I'm in the loo" A pause was a given before she responded further. "For woman needs."

"Oh, yeah. Right, well, I'll be...in the...living room. Yeah? Okay." Came Sid's uncomfortable reply, and Cassie heard his footsteps fade away before she let herself become comforable again.

She wanted to be lovely again, wanted to hear people call her what she was. She wanted to be lovely, for him, for her....

Her knuckles turned sheet white, as her hands grasped as tightly as possible to the marble sink. She was going to go through with this, she had to. And, so, she bowed her head over the sink, thankful that her blond curls were drawn back in a lazy ponytail. She could feel the rising feel of sickness making its ways from her stomach up her throat, trailing up her esophagus. She opened her mouth, and squeezed her eyes shut as the contents of what she had just ate five minutes or so ago, spilled from between her lips. It took several cough ups before she pulled back from the sink rather satisfied with herself,

She was eating again, at least. She reminded herself, as she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. The cost of looking lovely, she supposed, was the burning that itched in the back of her throat, hindering her from speaking with a proper voice. And she would accept the burning, as long as in the end she got what she had always strived for. Her wide eyes, shot about the bathroom, till they landed on a nicely folded towel. It was time to clean up.

Still, she had to make sure of one thing first. Her head turned to face forward, so her gaze was locked on her reflection in the mirror before her. A small smile began to tug at the corner of her lips, as her bucked teeth scraped the flesh of her bottom lip. Her left hand lifted up to tug away the hairband that held her together, and she watched as the golden locks bounced back into a comfortable position over her, and the reflection's, shoulders. A deep sigh rattled its way through her body, and escaped her as she flashed herself a confident grin that was matched with a tilt of her head.

"Oh wow." She muttered into the silent air, between the reflection and herself. She couldn't help but watch in fascination as her reflection mouthed the words along with her.

If only Sid knew, she was sure she'd be scolded. But he would never understand. This is what satisfied her, this brief relief that rattled her, and settled inside the pit of her stomach. She knew this what it would take to stay right lush.

And if only Sid could understand why she did it, how she kept herself up. He wouldn't approve, she knew. But, he was a oblivious male who could never really comprehend her actions. And he'd never understand...

She was a disgusting mess a second ago, but now she was lovely.