We do not own Twilight.
A/N: One shot submitted by MCLola. A one shot spin off from Khaki Incarcerations, featuring every ones favorite, dead Mike Newton!!
The Cullen's Go Golfing.
I walked down the stairs pulling the light blue visor over my perfect bronze hair. God I Exuded sexiness. Carlisle, wearing an orange polo and brown plaid shorts, was waiting in the living room to make sure we were all dressed right. I was wearing light blue cotton pants and a yellow polo shirt.. Alice had on a patterned skirt and white sleeveless polo. Standing next to her was Jasper wearing black knickers with a black sweater over a white button up. He looked quite dapper. Carlisle nodded his approval. Next he stepped in font of Rosalie. She was wearing a brown and pink argyle sweater with pink plaid skirt. She still looked like a bitch. Emmett was wearing a fuchsia polo and orange and pink diamond pattern pants. Leave it to him to look like a joker. Carlisle raised an eyebrow at him but moved on. Esme was wearing a red polo and khaki shorts. She liked to keep it simple. Last was Bella. She refused to stray too far from her sacred browns and tans. She had on an orange button up with a brown argyle sweater, beige knee length shorts and on her legs were brown knee highs. She was also wearing a small brown cap. We totally looked ready for a day on the links.
Bella walked over to the couch and asked Mike if he was ready. It was really silly to ask since she was the one who had dressed him in a mint green button up with an orange sweater vest and fugly patchwork pants. He just sat there staring off into space. "Damn it I'm talking to you. Typical man always ignoring me. Edward why is he ignoring me?" She whined stomping her foot. She looked so cute when she was acting like a four year old. Bella sat on Mike's lap. He started to tip over, but she quickly gripped his shoulders holding him in place. "Oh Mikey, you know I didn't mean to yell. You know I love you." She began to kiss his cheek and ear while fondling his nipples. It made me sick especially the fact that I knew tonight she would be attacking my nipples. She placed Mike in his adult sized stroller that she had specially built.
"Well let's get going," Carlisle said. We all filed into a prison van that Esme had 'borrowed'. We were all very excited for a day of golfing when Carlisle pulled into a parking lot in front of a colorful building A large neon sign said Buck's House of Putt-Putt.
"I thought we were golfing?" I said. We liked to golf, but miniature golf seemed so hokey.
"This is golfing. We go regular golfing all the time. I thought this would be a fun thing to do as a family." Esme said.
"Hey looks like fun to me." Leave it to Emmett to find the fun in anything. We all filed out of the van and walked into the little building that looked more like a shack. We all were handed our putters and colorful balls.
"Cool I've always wanted blue balls," Emmett howled. We all shot him dirty looks making him laugh even harder. We made our way to the first hole. It was a straight hole with a little fake rock arch in the middle. Because of our strength we had to adjust our hits to be softer, but we all got holes in one. Even Mike. The second hole was set in a mini fiberglass canyon. Once again we all got holes in one. This was going to be a long boring afternoon.
By the fifth hole things were starting to get a little harder. This hole was set up like a jungle with a small river flowing across the middle. You had to hit your ball over a very very narrow bridge. Carlisle and Jasper made it over in one shot. The girls each had to make two shots to get it over. Mike made it in one. Emmett tried three times and couldn't make it, he finally picked the ball up and threw it to the other side.
"Emmett, I'll only let that slide once. You know we follow the rules," Carlisle said.
I stepped up to take my turn. Six shots later I still wasn't over the stupid bridge. "Nice to find something you're not perfect at," Bella whispered in my ear. I growled at her. I was so mad I hit the ball hard and it flew right over the water. Screw that stupid bridge. We all finished the hole and moved on.
The sixth hole was also a jungle hole with vines hanging down, blocking the view of the hole. Luckily our eyesight was perfect and we all made it close to the hole. Bella was pushing mike in his stroller. The wheels started getting tangled in the vines. Mike tipped forward and hit the ground hard. Bella picked him up. The whole side of his face was deformed. The deterioration couldn't handle the fall. Emmett started laughing but I stomped on his foot making him stop. You did not want to piss Bella off. A pissed off Bella was worse than the volturi. Bella kept petting Mike's Head telling him he still looked handsome. We all quickly finished our shots and moved to the next hole.
The next few holes went fairly quickly, though none of us got any hole in ones. We were up to the fifteenth hole. It was designed to look like an old west town. I was really getting tired of watching Bella try to make out with Mike so when she was taking her turn I quickly grabbed him and hid him in an old looking shack. Bella took her shot then turned around to give Mike a high five. Her hand stopped mid air and she turned to Emmett glaring "Where is he?" she yelled.
"Hey I didn't take him." Emmett stepped back holding his hands up. Bella turned looking at each of us. Her eyes fell on me and turned hard. She walked over to me and gripped my nipple between her fingers. "Edward you better give him back or I will tear you apart." To prove her point she tore my nipple off. I pushed her hard sending her sprawling across the felt fairway. Carlisle stepped between us.
"That's enough. Edward, give her back Mike. Bella give Edward back his nipple." Bella held the nipple tightly in her hand waiting for me to give her Mike. I sighed and walked over to the shack pulling him out and tossing him at her feet. She handed back my nipple and I reattached it to my perfectly chiseled chest. Bella walked up and whispered in my ear "I will make you pay for that later tonight." God no. I needed nipple shields.
We quickly played through to the eighteenth hole. Emmett was taking his swing. It forgot to adjust for strength. He brought his club back and when he went to swing forward the club flew out of his hands. It hit Mike knocking his head off. Bella kneeled down in front of him laying her head in his lap "My beautiful Lover. You are ruined." She began cry tearlessly. Alice picked the head up and brought it over.
"It's okay Bella we can sew it back on"
"True," Bella said looking up "beside at least he still has his wonderful nipples."
We all finished our shots then went to return our balls and clubs. Carlisle added up the scores. "Well look at that Mike won, " He said.
Emmett huffed his way to the van. As we all climbed in Esme smiled "That was a lot of fun. Next week we go bowling."